[velvet]

Hi NM
Conditions and ultimatums are usually worth very little to an active CG – it is far easier for him to agree to any conditions and ultimatums than it is to control his addiction. When you say that you will “stay by him if he was dedicated to his recovery” are you prepared to walk away if he is not? It is important to be sure, before you give a CG an ultimatum that you can carry it through because each time a threat proves to be only idle words the addiction thrives.
I suspect he doesn’t want to hurt you again but unfortunately until he addresses his problem and re-seeks help it is very likely that he won’t be able to stop doing just that.
Your boyfriend has to want to change his life for himself and not because of what you want.
I hope you update again soon – I’m sorry that your last post was not replied to earlier.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi R
My favourite words in your post were ‘ I refuse to let me or kids go without any more like I have in the past’ in those few words you are retaking power of control over your life. – well done.
The words that I use to keep myself safe are ‘I will never let the addiction hurt me again’ – similar words and they work for me.
I wasn’t using those words, however, when the addiction was damaging me because I didn’t know anything about addiction so I know how difficult it is to keep determination alive and to believe that what you are doing is the right thing for everybody.
Your husband is indeed vulnerable and I understand your later words ‘I don’t want to stress him out more’ but it is the stress of his addiction (not you) which is rippling like a pebble thrown into a pond – he gambles, he drinks, he loses control, he loses money, he owes more and he takes more and more dead end jobs to clear debts that seem insurmountable. It is like a downward spiral with no end.
Not everybody gets on with GA and it might help him to understand that that is not the only way he can change his life. I am wondering if he would consider contacting our Helpline – it is manned by dedicated counsellors and a CG who has lived in control of his addiction for years and knows exactly how your husband feels. We also have CG only groups run by a CG who has lived in control of his addiction for years. These options are completely anonymous and the Helpline is one-to-one. Nothing your husband is saying and doing has not been heard before but many have changed their lives by trying a different route – there is no one size fits all. One of the expressions used constantly on this site is ‘you say you have tried everything and it hasn’t worked so what can you do that is different this time?’ There is always something.
It will be hard for you to stay so determined to stand against his addiction but allowing it to continue only makes it worse. I really hope you can make the group on Tuesday as communicating in real time is like sitting together on a settee with a cup of tea of a glass of something.
With Christmas coming I know the strains all round will be harder so please keep talking. Do you have a friend who you can trust, preferably one who will listen but not offer unhelpful opinions, which sadly is too common?
Over the weekend please make sure you have some ‘me’ time, perhaps an hour a day, when gambling is denied room in your mind.
He can life gamble free but he needs to seek help, I have never heard of a real success when a CG has gone it alone.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi RK
Your first post was great – you put you points across well and you are understood.
Having a good heart sadly does not mean that an addiction can’t cause behaviour that wrecks lives and it is good that you have found this forum where you can learn more about his addiction which will give you the ability to cope.
I would never suggest you leave your husband – I will support you for as long as you want me to do so and I believe that in time, with the support from this site you will be in a position to make informed decisions that are right for you, your children and your husband.
Addiction running in families makes this harder but certainly not impossible to control.
Drinking unfortunately lowers his resistance to his gambling – has he ever sought help for either his drinking or his gambling? Does he accept he has a problem? Is he encouraged in his drinking and gambling by his family?
I appreciate you have a young baby but are you working yourself – could you open an account in your own name to protect your finances? Would your husband be willing to hand over the finances of the family to you?
I also appreciate that you are worried about his health and sanity but I would like you to worry for yourself first. If your health and sanity is affected by your husband’s addiction then you will not be able to support anybody. At the moment you are the only person bearing all the responsibility for your family and you need your strength. Every day please do something that pleases you and has nothing to do with gambling so that for a time each day your mind is able to heal a little.
I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled, even with addiction running through the family, even with debts of 100k plus, even when everything looks completely lost – your husband can change his life but he has to want to do so – he has to accept he has a problem and be ready to take responsibility for his behaviour.
Speak soon – you have here a form of extended family who are always listening.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Miss J
I’m glad you have taken advice on securing your personal finances and I hope you are feeling less isolated now you can share on here.
There is nothing for you to be ashamed about – the addiction is not something that your fiancée wanted or asked for anymore than you did so there is nothing to blame yourself over. He probably gambled as so many thousands do without any problem but never dreamed that he would have the reaction that he has.
Nobody wants to play detective to the person they love but this is something that most F&F do when they first become aware of the addiction but when he controls his addiction the feeling that there is a need to police his actions will stop.
Please keep talking and please use the F&F group – it is only for F&F and is quite safe. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum. Everyone in the group is or has been affected by the addiction to gamble.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Rkelly

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Rkelly
8.06pm Tuesday if you come back to your computer within the next three quarters of an hour pop into the F&F group – you will be very welcome and understood
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Erika
I can hear that you believe you mean to carry out your ultimatum this time but knowing how many times I meant to carry mine out, only to crumble at the last minute, leads me to ask you if you are positive that you can walk away if he doesn’t change?
Many CGs give lip service to gain time but It is possible that your gambler (CG) means to/ wants to change. As yet however he does not seem to have taken any active steps towards actually doing anything about his addiction and the time will soon pass between now and the 21st. He has ignored your threats to report him or to supply a replacement for you which implies to me he that he thinks he is free to carry on.
Facing the addiction takes a lot of courage and many CGs find it difficult to get enough courage and determination to actually do something, so they use excuses and play for time until, all too often, all is lost
Do I understand rightly that your gambler is an attorney who has access to the client’s money and is he therefore, in effect stealing their money. Are there any friends or family member you can talk to about the devastation he is wreaking.
I cannot tell you what to do but I do know that fighting with an active CG is almost certainly a waste of your energy – his addiction is stopping him hearing reason and logic – your words seem to be falling on stony ground.
It is impossible to predict that he will wake up – if there was a crystal ball then life would be so much easier but there is no magic involved – the only person who can save your gambler is himself, you cannot save him.
I can understand your concern for your 6 employees – what do you intend to do when they are due to be paid – is there money to pay them with? You are in an incredibly difficult situation with others depending on your gambler while you are aware of his lack of responsibility. Are you protected from liability if it becomes known that you are aware of his actions?
I am concerned for your health and I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say “he’s letting me go because the addiction is so strong that he can’t think clearly.”
I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addition to gamble can be controlled but – and it is a big ‘BUT’ – although I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled, I also know it can take those who love them all the way to the bottom if they allow it.
Maybe you could tell him you have had to seek support for yourself and that you are aware there is a lot of help and understanding for him on this site, in GA and/or with dedicated counselling’
Please write again soon and keep reading other posts, learn as much as you can about his addiction because knowledge will give you power over it.
My thoughts are with you and whatever you decide to do will be understood on this forum.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello 3raser and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Dayssiders
Anti-depressants work for depression and the addiction to gamble can/often cause depression but there is no magic pill to stop a compulsive gambler stop gambling. It is the addiction which causes the depression that requires treatment.
The addiction to gambling is like a snowball rolling down a hill – it gains in speed and size and becomes unstoppable without the right treatment.
Treatment for the addiction to gamble is to be found in GA, on this site, with dedicated counsellors, therapists and rehabs.
As you have a loved one with a problem it would be great if you started your own thread. You will be very welcome and you can find many ways to support your loved one.
I can’t support you on someone else’s thread so I hope you will start your own and/or join the F&F group on Tuesdays which is private.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Miss J
It is a terrible shock to realise that a perfect life and a perfect relationship is not as straightforward as it seemed. I believe the way for you to cope with the bombshell that has dropped on you is to learn as much as you can about his addiction so that you can be one step ahead instead of unwittingly and blindly trusting someone who cannot trust himself.
The addiction depends on secrecy to thrive but now that you are aware, you can protect your finances by putting them in your name alone and you can support your fiancée if he is seeking help to control his addiction.
I cannot tell you what to do but I know that with knowledge you will be able to make informed decisions that are right for you, your daughter and your fiancée.
I appreciate your worry but at the moment you are not committed by marriage and you have time to think what it is that ‘you’ want to do – because ‘you’ matter. Whether you run for the hills or you stay and support will always be your decision. I hope it will help when I tell you that the reason I am writing to you is because I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
My thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ has been brought up to the top and I hope you will read it so that you know that you are not alone.
It is ok to ask your fiancée about his meetings and to be interested but not every CG (compulsive gambler) wants to talk straight away. It is important that he can trust you to listen – he won’t expect you to understand but that is why this forum is here – to support you through the confusion. I am concerned that your fiancée say that he is dealing with it and yet the only way that you have found out about his problems is by a fortunate accident.
It is too early to consider re-building trust but given determination your fiancée can change his life and be the man he wants to be because at the moment he is not that man.
I will leave my first post there and wait to hear from you again. Well done writing your post, the first one is always the hardest.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Nancy
Thank you for posting to me it means more than you would imagine.
I too remember Pam and Linnie and Truly – Deb (I can’t remember her first user name), Larry, Betty and Leelash to name but a very few.
You all gave me such generous understanding and I valued everything you told me. Without all of you and of course the person with a problem in my life, I would never have continued for what has now been 8 years.
The site does change, we have our ups and downs but every time I hear that the addiction has been defeated in both ‘My Journal’ and ‘F&F’ I rejoice.
So thank you again for my post and thank you for coming back to ‘My Journal’ with such an upbeat message. I wish you all the peace and happiness in your gamble-free world.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Miss Juggles

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

[velvet]

para Misty cuando llegue

[velvet]

cho Misty khi cô ấy đến

[velvet]

for Misty, når hun ankommer

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