[velvet]

Hi Iceqwn
It is hard to know where the line is drawn between enabling and supporting and it seems to me that your boyfriend is using you as a punch bag to hit out at when things go wrong which they inevitably will due to his addiction to gambling.
He is right that his problem is not the money – it is the gamble itself that excites his brain and money is merely the tool that gives him the opportunity to gamble. He is also right that if he is determined to gamble he will do so and there is little or nothing you can do to stop him.
You were right to stop playing with him because that gives him your seal of approval to his behaviour. You are also right that it is not fair that you put up with his unacceptable behaviour.
I hope you will keep posting and reading because knowledge of your boyfriend’s addiction will give you power over it.
Only you can decide if you have had enough of a lose lose situation, just as only he can stop his gambling.
Have you gone to visit your family and are they aware that your boyfriend is a CG (compulsive gambler). The addiction loves secrecy but in my opinion you need support on the ground as well as using this site.
Please keep up with seeing friends and enjoying interests and hobbies that are ‘just for you’ – it is important for you and also for your boyfriend that you are not part of the wreckage of his addiction if/when he accepts responsibility for his behaviour.
Keep posting and take care of ‘you’
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Help
I understand you feeling moody but I suspect you are very aware that this will not change anything. I would imagine your husband’s addiction is affecting you 24 hours a day so what can you do that is different?
What happens when people he owes money to come to the door – do you answer it and try and sort it out or do you tell them that it is your husband’s responsibility?
Perhaps you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20-questions which you will find on their web site. Leave it for your husband to read and maybe he will realise he really does have a problem but it can be treated. I don’t suggest handing it to him as he is successfully using anger as a way to manipulate you and I believe it is a waste of breath getting into an argument with him.
Unfortunately there is no magic pill that a doctor can prescribe that will stop your husband gambling. If he is using depression as his reason for his addiction then it is quite possible that the depression is the result of his addiction and not the other way around. Constantly failing would make most people depressed and because your husband owns the addiction to gamble he will constantly fail if he gambles because that is the nature of the addiction. GA, GMA, our Helpline, our ‘CG only’ groups are all available to your husband and they are all anonymous. Maybe you could tell him that you have sought support for yourself – many CGs do not think that those around them need support because it is a very selfish addiction.
The lies and dishonesty are his way of denying he has a problem to himself and those around him. It is the ‘gamble’ that excites him and the lies are a form of gambling, money is only the tool for him to gamble, not the reason.
Blaming everybody else is to deny that he has a problem – if those around him are telling him the truth and he doesn’t want to hear it, he will perceive that they are to blame for his misery. It is only in a true recovery that a CG accepts honesty. True recoveries are possible and it is only because I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled that I am writing to you now.
Do you have the means to save money in your own name to protect you and your children? How has he cleared his debts before?
Please keep posting and please use the F&F group on Tuesdays between 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum and you are completely safe. It is good to communicate in real time.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Tillow
I think and hope that going to GA will be the turning point for your partner; this site and GA exist because controlling the addiction to gamble requires the right support – did he try and do it on his own before? There is no cure for this addiction but I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that it can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. The relapse he has had does not have to be viewed completely negatively – often a CG working through a slip will be stronger.
I hear nothing selfish in you wanting to focus on school for the next 6 months – in fact it is what I would have suggested to you. You worrying about his addiction won’t make a scrap of difference to his outcome but keeping yourself healthy and refusing to allow his addiction to bring you down will be the best thing you can do for him, yourself and your child.
Worrying about the future at the moment will only cloud your judgement and mess up your chances of a good dissertation – we can only live one day at a time. I found the following has helped me many times to stay focused
YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Keep posting and maybe pop into the F&F group – you will always be welcome.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Help

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

<

Hello Iceqwn

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

<

Hello Tillow

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

[velvet]

Hi Muminafix
I am so pleased you found us and I am glad that it felt good to get it all out. You are in a forum that understands you and I look forward to supporting you through this experience which neither you nor your son wanted or asked for.
Until Monday I have little free time but I felt I had to reply to let you know that you have been heard and to mention something that jumped out at me, the fact that it has affected your marriage.
From all the experience I have had, I have found that most fathers and mothers have different attitudes to the addiction to gamble in the family – fathers generally feel they should have never allowed the state of affairs to ever happen and that mothers are too soft; mothers protect children they no longer understand and feel caught in the middle with marriage and family falling apart. So the problem becomes a 3-way conflict and if there are siblings they can also throw further worries into the mix. The addiction to gamble is divisive and, in my opinion, fathers and mothers who divide can unwittingly feed the addiction.
Time to take a breather – you have done the right thing, in my opinion, coming here. I cannot tell you what to do but if your husband is still listening I would suggest that you tell him that you have sought support and that his son’s addiction is not unknown and that he can control it with the right treatment. He is not to blame for his son’s behaviour and nor are you. It may well be that only you learn about the addiction but it is common that only one parent gains the knowledge. With knowledge you will learn to cope and make informed decisions putting you in the driving seat – and you, your husband and your son will gain from your efforts.
Do you have a Gamanon near you, this is the sister group of GA (gamblers anonymous) and it is where I found my salvation. Physically sitting with others who understand is great, being here and being anonymous is great – having the two together is even better.
Maybe you could download the gamblers anonymous 20-questions from their web- site and without anger or discussion, leave them where your son can read them – sometimes CGs (compulsive gamblers) do not realise that their problems are recognised and that they are far from alone. He may well screw them up and throw them away but hopefully he might come back later and unscrew the paper when you are not around.
I am going to leave this here although there is so much to say. I hope you will join the Friends and Family group on Tuesday between 20.00-21.00 hours. It is private and nothing said within that group appears on the forum. You will be very welcome.
Don’t look back and wish that you had done this or that. No amount of ‘what if’s’ or ‘if onlys’ change anything. Just live for what you do today and today you have done well.
I would not be ‘talking’ to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble could not be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result. Nothing you said was not known to me and yet here I am, in control of my life and happy.
Please try and keep communication open with your husband – unity against the addiction is so important even if he doesn’t want to know all the ins and outs.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Muminafix

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

[velvet]

Hello James and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Dove
another quick message – 2 forums below the F&F forum there is a lot of info on the GMA programme.

Hoping to ‘see’ you on Tuesday and answer any questions

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Dove
The group will be on, on Tuesday 27th and I look forward to ‘meeting’ you. I always feel members are sitting in comfortable chairs and joined by friendship when they come into a group so in view of the occasion I think we could share a cyber mince pie and a glass of cyber wine.
I believe your CG will probably be notified in the same way that GMA have already communicated with him. When he goes on the project I will support so that when he comes home your recovery will be well under way.
Negativity breeds negativity and it is great that you are feeling more positive which hopefully suggests your recovery has already started which is great for your CG because you do matter.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Bams
Please start your own thread, your post deserves more than I can give you here.
I hope you will keep posting because there is so much to say and it cannot be given in one lump but understanding the addiction, I believe, is important to the well-being of F&F. It is the ‘gamble’ that means so much to your CG because it excites his brain in a different way to the way gambling would affect you or me. Without the right treatment he doesn’t know how to change the way his mind is excited – it is as though his head is full of water, leaving no room for anything else. Unless he seeks the right treatment and his addiction ceases to be enabled he won’t know how to tip some of the water (addiction) out to make room for good and honest thoughts such as helping you. He will almost certainly be unhappy with the way he is and I suspect your happiness makes him feel worse because he doesn’t feel happy – but you are not to blame and his unhappiness is no reason for you to be unhappy.
Your happiness is so very, very important both to you, your family and ultimately to your CG. If he wrecks your happiness then that is another piece of wreckage caused by his addiction which is moving on inside his brain like a roller-coaster with no brakes – giving him another reason to gamble which is his escape from reality.
I cannot tell you what to do but what I suggest is that you do more than put on a happy face this Christmas. I suggest you resolve to keep posting until you know what it is that is right for you. With knowledge you can make informed decisions and retake control of your life instead of allowing the addiction of another to control your well-being.
I am not suggesting you leave your CG or even that you stay with him – all decisions will be yours. I lived in the shadow of the addiction to gamble for 25 years, 23 of them with no understanding whatever. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know the addiction to gamble can be controlled but sometimes when we think have tried everything it is time to try something different.
I suggest you have no expectation that your CG will behave himself this Christmas but allow him to go and do whatever he wants to do without complaining which only wears you out – and gives him a further excuse to believe that only gambling will eventually bring him hapiness. As I said I cannot tell you what to do but in my opinion informing other family members bluntly that your loved one is a CG but that you are now seeking help and would welcome support over the Christmas period without opinions could help you cope. Some people ask questions and want to know, other do not but gambling addiction is not normally a subject raised and any understanding is difficult.
Anything you disagree with or want to ask please come right back at me. Unfortunately the next F&F group is not until after Christmas but maybe during that group we can use it as Topic Group for F&F aims over the New Year celibrations and 2017.
Best wishes
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Dove
I am dashing off a few words in case you return to the forum before anyone gets a chance to write the full reply that your post deserves but it is late and the best replies are not written when a person is tired.
You are doing the best thing for your partner posting here and learning about his addiction and the GMA programme; the knowledge will help you cope.
You cannot make your partner stop gambling, only he can do that but your understanding can be an important part of his recovery. It is better for CGs (compulsive gamblers) to be supported and the right support is so worthwhile.
Don’t be nervous, your partner could not be going to a better place if he is determined to control his addiction. He may gamble excessively before the date he is accepted or he may resolve to start his gamble-free life now in preparation but whatever he does, he is understood here. Listening to him is more important than asking questions. You can ask me or our Helpline anything that you want to know and you will be answered.
It would be great if you could join the F&F group on Tuesday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time, nothing said in the group appears on the forum. It is safe and you will be understood,
My CG went through the GMA programme about 10 years ago but I remember the anxiety I felt about this experience and I will be happy to walk with you while you wait for him to go in – and also during the time that he is on the project.
It is because I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled that I am writing to you now.
I must away but I will write to you asap.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Dove

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

[velvet]

Hi Soloma
It would be great to get an update especially as your last post was more positive.
Velvet

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