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Hi Whatsnext
I have had internet problems all day but I am hoping to ‘see’ you in the F & F group tonight – you will be very welcome. It starts in 10 mins and goes between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time.
I have wires trailing all around me and I hope all will be well.
If you don’t make it, I will reply to you on the forum asap
VelvetDear San
Not just ‘some’ sense but complete sense. With some support you have worked out for yourself what triggered you and it is bringing you great peace of mind. Allowing your daughter to work it out for her unique self, with the right support, will do the same for her, maybe today, maybe not today but on another today – that is how she will build her own bank of experience that will keep her safe. It is each individual that does the work – we can only save ourselves.
I wish you, your partner, your daughter and your sons a Happy New Year too and look forward to updates on them all.
V<
Hello Vicky
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Ponty
You did fantastically well allowing him to use his own judgement when your gut must have been screaming please say ‘no’.
I agree with you completely over the therapist’s opinion. You don’t have to be a professional to see danger.
I am delighted he returned when you said you were uncomfortable.
I cannot tell you what to do and in any case I think you already know the answers to your questions – the hard bit is acting on what you believe to be right. Many moons ago my CG (who lives in control of his addiction) told me that ‘testing’ an addiction/gambling problem is not accepting a real and present danger.
The addiction to gamble must, I believe, always start with fun – nobody would ever start if they knew that addiction was to be the outcome of what appeared to be a harmless pastime. If there is a problem it is often overlooked as ‘just a bit of bad luck’ but problems can become addictions and I think my question to your husband would be ‘was it worth the risk?’
I suggest you talk to your husband exactly as you have written in your post and maybe pose the thought that the evening that was supposed to be for fun could have been the start of a roller-coaster ride that didn’t have a good ending.
I don’t think you are confused – you are making sense – well done.
Velvet<
Hello Ponty
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Lizzy
Whereas I agree with your husband that you should look after yourself, I fully appreciate that your parents deserve support and to this end, in my opinion, they should be informed about their grandson’s addiction.
You ask ‘how can I proceed?” and give the options that if you stop giving him money then unwittingly your mum will. I unwittingly enabled for 23 years so I do not recommend leaving vulnerable people in the dark – and by vulnerable I mean those close to your son who care about him.
I know that situations such as the one you are experiencing puts great stress on a husband and his wife but unity is the best thing for all of you and that includes your parents. The addiction to gamble is divisive and secretive and from what you say it is succeeding in your family. In my opinion a meeting between you, your husband and your parents to create a united front would be the best thing for your son and their grandson. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to tell them that you have sought help and that you would like to act on what you hear.
Did he leave home recently to live with his grandparents?
It might be that your son’s friends have turned their backs on him if he has been borrowing from them and they are aware that there is no hope for them to get their money back, it may be that he doesn’t want to return to his home town because of memories or fear of what he will find.
I am sorry you have reached the point you have but I am glad you have posted because you are understood here. The first post is the hardest to write – so well done to you.
I wouldn’t be writing to you Lizzy if i didn’t know that the addiction to gamble could be controlled but it takes a lot of courage for a CG to face his demons.
Is your son working? What other sibling does he have and are they successful in a way that maybe your son feels he is not? Do the siblings get on or has he ‘borrowed’ from them too?
You don’t have to answer questions Lizzy but it helps me to get a better picture of what is going on in your world. The F&F group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 hour UK time is completely private and nothing said in a group appears on the forum – you will be very welcome.
Sadly without treatment the addiction to gamble gets worse and the more people who enable the faster it grows. I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I would not give him any more money. Clearing his gambling debts is wiping his slate clean so he can gamble further. I think that sadly you might have to write the £2000 off as an expensive experience.
Please keep posting – your son didn’t want or ask for his addiction anymore than you or your husband wanted it in your lives – it is an unwelcome and unwanted guest but at the moment your son is insisting it is a guest that he needs to support – but you do not have to feed it. Please also keep learning about the addiction because it will give you power over it and help you to enlighten your husband and parents.
Maybe your son is not aware that he has a problem that is recognised and for which there is a lot more support nowadays. Perhaps you could print of the gamblers anonymous 20-questions and leave them for your son to see.
Speak soon
VelvetHi Lisackat
I would probably have described myself as a person who should have been able to save my CG and therefore yes – dominant and inclined to say it as I saw it. The fights went nowhere, the chats went nowhere, the pleading, loving, caring, you name it, went nowhere. The only thing that happened was that I got more and more drained and less able to cope with the rest of my life and the lives of those around me. Refusing to be dragged into a row that has no hope of a good outcome, refusing to give ultimatums that you cannot keep, refusing to allow his addiction to rule ‘your’ life as well as his, is not condoning his behaviour – it is accepting that you cannot save him and giving him the responsibility of saving himself.
Of course I hope too that your conversation of last night makes a difference and I know from my own experience that nobody can say when or why a true recovery starts. What I am sure about is that CGs need the right support to change their lives and doing it alone is so difficult, good intentions disappear within days if not minutes..
I hope you will pop into the group on Tuesday so that we can communicate in real time – your comment that your marriage has been on the rocks in others areas suggests a possible well-known problem with the addiction and one that is often not referred to on the public forum. I don’t want to make assumptions however.
I believe that it is better for you to believe that your husband meant what he said last night but not to believe that the plan will work. Every plan that fails will cause you further pain and I think you have had enough.
Knowing you have read my analogy about the beast implies you have been reading the forum posts – it is important, I think, to realise that we have had many successful outcomes but that with success comes less need to post which is as it should be. The F&F forum is a stepping stone to help you cross a winding, raging river with whirlpools, white water and weirs with only ab occasional glimpse of safety but once you reach the shore there is no need to return but sadly this means there are usually few, if any, successful recent posts.
You should have each other but your husband is lost to himself and cannot be there for you. Maybe you could leave information on local GA (gamblers anonymous) meeting, or sites such as this. Our Helpline is available to him – it is private and one-to-one and is open every week day between 09.00 and 17.00 hours UK time. Our CG groups are often run by a CG who lives in control of his addiction and he would be very welcome. If when you husband is talking calmly it might be good to suggest such groups with the sweetener that – “he has nothing to lose by making contact”. They are anonymous and he will be understood in a way that non-CGs cannot understand.
As I am in danger of ‘talking’ too much – again I will leave this post here and await further posts from you.
Velvet<
Hello Lizzy
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Lisackat
There is no reason why you ‘should’ understand your husband’s thinking – trying to make sense of the senseless is wasted energy and you need all your energy to look after yourself and your 2 children.
Your husband lies to cover his feeling of failure. When he first gambled for fun, as so many people do with no problem, your husband was not to know that addiction was to be his outcome. The addiction is all about failure because active CGs (compulsive gamblers) cannot walk away until everything is gone leaving them feeling desolate, lonely, frightened and worthless. Lying can become almost second nature to many and with so many lies being told told their minds are clouded with them and their lies become their truth.
I don’t believe that you could have known what you signed up for unless you had seen or heard of this addiction before. An alcoholic father would not help you to see addictive gambling in the man you fell in love with.
You ask about wondering if you are giving him ‘reason’ to gamble in what you say so the following, which although not recognised professionally as a method of coping, has worked for many. Before you read it though it is important to know that you are not responsible for his gambling.
Imagine your husband’s addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. Every time you speak to him his addiction is awake, poised and ready to jump if it feels threatened- but as long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay in the corner.
The good news is that although your husband is controlled by his addiction, you are not; you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead. Trying to lay down conditions or pleading for answers will cause the beast to leap between you and take control of the conversation, probably turning it into an argument so that you feel wrong-footed. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor do you want, or need, to be. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak- and because it knows only lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. In turn, when you speak to your husband, his addiction will distort your words, by altering reality to fit his personal perception – he will not be able to comprehend your meaning.
It was explained to me by a CG in control of his addiction this way. The addiction to gamble is an addiction of constant failure and misery so your husband really believes he is completely worthless. Because he believes he is a failure it must follow to him that you are lying when you tell him you love him, or that his life would be better if he stopped gambling – after all why would you love someone so worthless? Believing himself to be without worth your husband fights back with distortion and deception because sadly, at the moment, he doesn’t have or know any other coping mechanism. The gamble is his escape and so the cycle continues.
In my opinion it is better to stand back and listen when his addiction is in full spate — hopefully making it easier to stay out of an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side, the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
I know this sounds quite negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
Your husband has said that ‘no matter what he is not going to stop’ but having read the above I wonder if you think he is saying that he can see no other future because he doesn’t know any other way.
I’m going to leave this first personal reply to you there and await your thoughts. If there is anything you don’t understand or don’t agree with please always feel free to say – it took me months to get my head round the idea of the addiction at all and years to get to where I am now. I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled which is why I am writing to you. I don’t think from what your husband has said that he believes this to be so. If, as I suspect, you have tried every way you can think of to make him think differently maybe it is time to try something new.
Speak soon
VelvetHi RebeCz
In case you return to this thread I hope you will start your own because you cannot be supported on another thread. You cannot make your husband stop what is more than a habit but you can learn to cope and support him in a way that is right for both of you.
I hope to hear from you again soon
VelvetDear Jenny
I don’t know why you popped in today either – but I am so very glad you did.
I don’t know what to mention first, Doberman puppies or endangered gorillas – both absolutely wonderful and neither of them connected to the reason we ‘met’.
I am sorry that ‘the subject’ gets chucked in your face periodically but maybe it is best that it is mentioned so you know where you are – in my experience the lack of talking about what caused me to miss so much has been frustrating to put it mildly. It takes time but with time (and dare I say age – ugh!) comes greater understanding and eventual harmony.
Thanks for the update
Keep taking care of yourself
VelvetDear Hope
I have thought about you a lot recently and I was shocked when i just looked for your thread and saw you had had no reply since your post on November.
I would love an update as if know things were moving slowly for you and your son was not co-operating with trying to control his addiction. I know you said that your son had told you that your relationship was irreparable but this was just his addiction talking – until honesty comes with control of the addiction I don’t think you should ever place much thought, if any, on such words.
I think it was following this post that you came into a group but I haven’t seen you since. I want you to know you are not forgotten and you are missed.
A person who has been through GMA learns how to use his tools but of course sometimes it takes time for those tools to be picked up and it is often easier to leave them lying in the back of the mind in the belief that they can be used when necessary. Necessity can often come only when everything is stacked against the CG however hard it is for those who love them.
I hope to hear from you soon
VelvetHello Jxexnx and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
n
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
n
nHi Alma
Congratulations on your recent marriage.
I assume and hope that you no longer visit the small slot stores – sadly joining a gambler gives a green light to behaviour that is unacceptable for an active (CG) compulsive gambler.
The action of gambling causes excitement, a risk, the thrill of getting away with something, the possibility of significant loss or the opportunity for spectacular success. Your wife is making things happen rather than fixing things and/or finding solutions and she needs treatment to ascertain what it is she is avoiding.
Abstention is not a cure and the 4 months you believe were gamble-free does not mean that she was not ‘dry gambling’ in her brain – CGs have to learn to manage their addiction rather than to abstain. She may have stopped betting for money for 4 months but that will not have stopped her making mind bets which is ‘dry gambling’. Mind bets are not uncommon and they are a way to ‘stay in action’ without detection, however, the addiction is still getting fed and as long as it is fed it will thrive until it becomes too much and behaviour such as you are seeing pours out again.
It was ok to tell her that you were not angry and that you were scared but I’m sorry to say that your feelings are not enough to stop her gambling. She is the only one who can stop and to do so she has to accept her addiction and want to stop for herself and seek support.
I am glad that you have started your thread and I hope you will keep posting because your mental health is important to you and your wife. She will not be deliberately hurting you and if her addiction succeed in bringing you down then neither of you will be able to cope.
I think what you are talking about is ‘family intervention’ and this can work for some but has to be handled with care. How many members of your families know about the situation within your marriage and how many have been affected or enabled? The addiction to gamble is divisive, allowing it to gain enablement, so it is important that everybody is in agreement as to how to carry out an intervention. Gamblers anonymous (GA), this site and dedicated counsellors are terrific means of support.
Keep posting Alma and learn all you can about the addition to gamble because knowledge of what is hurting your wife and yourself will help; you cope and make the right informed decisions.
Try and not be terrified. Even if it does not appear to be so at the moment you are stronger than she is because you do not own her addiction and if you do not allow it to bring you down there is little to fear.
Velvet<
Hello Alma
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
