[velvet]

Hi Red
I know things go wrong for all of us all but I am so sorry I didn’t/couldn’t see you in the group tonight. I could see the page and assumed nobody was there – it wasn’t until the cut-off text didn’t pop up that I knew there was a problem!
I hope to speak to you next Tuesday but if there is anything pressing, please put it on your thread and I will reply.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Chamomile
I was sitting looking at what I thought was an empty group this evening. I could see the group page and my name in the box and that was it, so I spent the hour writing an answer to another post – I have no idea what happened so I am so very sorry that this has happened to you especially on your first time here.
Because of the problem with the last hour I haven’t had time to consider your post fully and as I like to give my replies a lot of thought I will reply to you tomorrow – well done writing it – the first post is always the hardest.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi BL
I hope it will help you when I tell you that I would not be here writing to you if I didn’t know the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
You feel you have lost your best friend and your husband has not only lost his too but he has lost himself.
Everything he has done can certainly be true of addiction and I know it is incredibly difficult to believe that a CG can love you when they are behaving so unacceptably towards you – but they can or once again I would not be writing to you.
It is probably impossible to know when your husband’s addiction began but it is common for those who love CGs to feel that there is something wrong long before it is known what is causing the rocky patches.
The finest thing you can do for yourself and your husband during this break is to put yourself first, enjoy the things that his addiction will almost certainly have spoiled for you. See friends, indulge yourself, take up a new hobby or revitalise an old one but don’t waste time fretting over something that for the moment is out of your control.
You are in the early days of separation and also just starting to gain knowledge of the addiction to gamble – it took me months. Every day does feel like a roller coaster but you can put the brakes on and give your brain some much needed TLC.
I believe that a really good coping mechanism to stop the lies going round and round in your head is to write down all the bad things you have experienced with your husband’s addiction. Bang out all the anger and hurt on to a page, then file it away. If the next day more things that puzzled you, hurt you, confused you, start whizzing round in your mind with nowhere to go then write them down and file them away too. Keep going until there is nothing that he has said or done to rock your world that is not consigned to your journal. By taking your worries and putting them into an external hard-drive you will hopefully be able to stop the same thoughts crowding and clouding your mind. The hard drive can hold your confusion leaving you time and energy to work on you and what ‘you’ want to do.
Hopefully your husband is using his time away to reflect on his behaviour but even if he isn’t ready to control his addiction yet, all the good things you do for yourself will put you back in the centre of your life rather than you living on the periphery of your husbands. To face a gambling addiction takes courage and when a CG makes a leap of faith there is often a void – if you have been looking after yourself you can be the rock on which he can rebuild his life. When he controls his addiction then you can destroy the pages and live ‘your’ life free of the inner turmoil.
The addiction to gamble is selfish and the way a CG changes his life has to be selfish too – they have to work hard at who they have become and the less distraction at this time the better. You won’t know yet what is true and what is not but you can know that you are not to blame for his addiction and he didn’t ask for or want his addiction any more than you.
I was hoping you would have made the group tonight but keep posting because you are creating a journal here and it is the experience that most, if not all, F&F members who use this site surprise themselves when they look back and see how far they have come.
I don’t know what your outcome will be – over the years our members have travelled on every road and arrived at many different destinations but none of those outcomes are ever judged, we have to make of our lives what we will. I believe that with knowledge though we make better informed decisions.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Katie
Unresolved issues are often the root cause of a problem but what is not a cause of your husband’s addiction to gamble is ‘you’.
Your common law husband is almost certainly belittling you to make himself feel better because his addiction makes him feel a worthless failure so he is deflecting the way he feels on to you. You are not to blame for him gambling and nor is he to blame for having an addiction to gamble – neither of you asked for or wanted this in your lives.
You are doing the right thing when you avoid conflict. His addiction is the master of manipulation and arguments give him an excuse to gamble because ‘you don’t understand him etc.’
You can manage a successful family and protect your children because you don’t own his addiction – you are stronger than his addiction even if you don’t feel like it. The best thing you can do for you, your children and your husband is look after yourself which I appreciate is very difficult while he is expecting you to manage on so little. Every day do something just for you, something that pleases you that has no connection to gambling; maybe a walk in the park making an effort to see the plants and birds that normally don’t get noticed because your mind is constantly worrying about his addiction, maybe a chat with a friend or a game with your toddler; quality time that gives you a reason to smile because hurt and anger wear you down.
I know how difficult this is and I hope you will keep posting and maybe join me in the F&F group on Tuesdays between 20.00 and 21.00 hours UK time.
In answer to your big question, couples do stay together but to survive healthily it is important that you take care of yourself. Sadly his addiction will get worse without treatment but there is a lot of support these days. There is no evidence that this addiction is hereditary but obviously if he encourages his chldren to follow suit then there could be a problem – you have time on your side with this however, your children are small and you are aware of the danger.
I would never suggest you stay or leave, I believe it is important to gain knowledge of the addiction because this will help you cope. I wouldn’t be writing to you if i didn’t know the addiction can be controlled but while your husband is out of control the finest thing you can do is not let ‘his’ addiction control ‘your’ life.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Logic
Stop worrying about sending your CG a screenshot – he wrote the words and they were words composed by him when he was in a better frame of mind and wanting to know when he was slipping up.
He has slipped up and you reminded him just as he asked – you have done nothing wrong.
Enjoy your travelling and please don’t let something you read in another forum cause you to feel any apprehension – you did well and if you are in any doubt perhaps you could contact our Helpline as I know you can’t make the group this week.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Mrigotitall

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

<

Hello Dex

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Logic
Like you i didn’t know how much support I needed until I got it and it was like an oasis in the desert – I lapped it up because for the first time in years others made sense of the experiences I had had even if it was only to say ‘that happened to me too’. The more voices that said the same thing the more I realised I was not alone. The more voices that told me how they had successfully handled the addiction in their lives the more clearly I saw the way I had to move forward to survive.
I know It isn’t the loss of money that is the problem (although It causes terrible distress and hardship) but it is the mood swings and intolerable behaviour that is hardest to deal with. It becomes easy to believe that the problem is yours because why would **** say or do these things to you. A relationship cannot be healthy when there is a lack of honesty and fighting fire with fire is probably the reaction of most F&F but it doesn’t work.
I can see a fourth way for you cope rather than sweeping it under the carpet, ignoring the issue or letting emotion take over so that you get underwhelmed and upset? It isn’t easy to do even if it is, in essence, simple and it does make a difference – it is looking after yourself more than you have been doing. It is setting time aside every day for interests, hobbies and friends that have no connection whatever to do with gambling or your partner. It is re-finding yourself and showing your partner’s addition that you are stronger than it will ever be. It is changing yourself into the rock on which he can fasten himself to stop himself sinking, or he can choose to sink while you stay strong and firm – it is giving him freedom to choose.
If those who love CGs allow themselves to be dragged down into the slough of despond with an addiction that they do not own then they will not be strong enough to survive themselves never mind being strong enough to support their CG when they determine enough is enough.
It is, as you so rightly said, a battle of wills but his will is not his own – he is controlled by an addiction that only he can change. If you stand your ground and say enough is enough for you, which is not saying that you stop caring about the man you love, then hopefully he will accept sooner, rather than later, that the responsibility of his addiction lies with him. As long as you continue with the status quo there will probably be no moving forward with your partner, in my opinion, it would be better if you took over the driving seat and moved yourself forward, showing him the way by example.
My favourite version of the Serenity prayer is .
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
Please keep posting and using the group which never seems to be long enough.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Logic
I heard you putting the ‘flesh on the bones’ in your second post and not a bit of ranty anywhere. I think disjointed is the way it would come out if we were talking and as such I found it easy to follow your train of thought.
I was told by a CG a long time ago that when his addiction was active, what ‘he’ wanted and needed was to gamble and that what ‘I’ wanted and needed didn’t matter one jot – it brought me up short and helped me to make some sense of a lot of what had gone before.
In a battle of wills I’m afraid the gambling addiction has the upper hand because it is the master of manipulation and you are not and nor do you want to be. Addiction doesn’t do logic and reason – it defies sense, which is very hard to accept when a person loves a CG but in my opinion, it is better to know what you are facing.
I am interested that you have found that fun activities away from gambling can be a distraction for your other half although sadly you say that even these can fail. It is one of the hardest; if not ‘the’ hardest thing for a CG who determines to live in control of his addiction, that he feels there is a void that cannot be filled because the addiction has often alienated friends, family and other interests and hobbies which would only have got in the way of the ‘gamble’.
I’m not sure what you mean by ‘finances not being a concern’ but I imagine he has possibly earned enough to cover his gambling debts – so far. The addiction to gamble though is not about money it is solely about the ‘gamble’ and it is the ‘gamble’ that alters the personality and can make the kindest of people behave intolerably – money is the tool of the addiction – not the goal.
If your other half is a compulsive gambler then, in my opinion, you setting boundaries is unlikely to have any effect. The addiction can be controlled but not ‘cured’ and abstention alone is not enough. If there was a magic pill or a simple guide to controlling a gambling addiction then this site, GA, etc would not exist. At the risk of being disjointed myself I am returning to your paragraph about the colleague who seemed to be the cause of your partner caving in after three weeks. Your partner did not know how to handle his colleague or the way his addiction made him feel when his resolve slipped – but his colleague was not to blame.
It takes time to process all the information about gambling addiction but I’m not going anywhere so please keep posting.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Logic
How did the sober month challenge go? Unfortunately, alcoholic drink appears to be an essential at social events – and when drink flows resistance is generally lowered. I am interested that your other half sees living with you as being the answer and although I cannot tell you what to do I am hoping that your choice of username is a strong pointer to your character.
Your family and friends are obviously concerned about you but although I do not believe that disaster is an inevitability, I think you should learn all you can about gambling addiction before you make any move at all. Informed decisions are so much better that jumping in and hoping for the best.
You are right when you say that a CG (compulsive gambler) has to want to control their gambling for their own sake and that you cannot make your other half stop for you.
If you were to fast forward in your mind, do you see a peaceful future in maybe 6 months to a year? If you do not, which in my opinion would be the case, then I suggest you listen to your logical self. Controlling addiction takes time, courage, determination, single-mindedness and starts with acceptance of the problem followed by action. At the moment, you say, your other half is still placing bets in shops and this is not indicative of a person who is seeking change. Maybe your other half could be encouraged to self-ban from all the local betting shops as a first indication that he/she is prepared to do more than just talk about changing their life.
Actions do speak louder than words and I don’t hear your partner’s actions and thoughts as being conducive towards controlling their addiction or addictions. I assume from the fact your other half’s parents are handling his/her finances that they are aware of the problem which is good. Sadly there are many parents who ‘know’ there is a problem but enable through ignorance or simply because they have not got a clue how to deal with the problem that they didn’t ask for or want.
I agree it would be a fresh start for your other half to move closer to you but It seems to me that all the good bits of this ‘fresh’ start appear to belong to your other half. If it was me I would want to see a big change before I undertook such a relationship; for instance, if your other half were to attend GA or AA, or maybe join this site and its terrific CG groups or talk to our Helpline about ways forward – positive action rather than just words which are easy,
I am sorry you haven’t had other replies, our forum is very quiet at the moment but please post again soon and maybe pop into the F&F group on Tuesday 20.00-21.00 hours UK time.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Logic

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

<

Hello Katie

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Vicky
I think it was perfectly reasonable for you to believe your husband was just placing a few £5 bets for fun; after all it is what so many people do without any addiction arising from what seems a harmless pastime.
The anger, distrust, pain you feel is understood here, as is the nastiness you have encountered and I am glad that you have started your thread. I have had trouble with my computer or I would have replied sooner and I apologise for the delay in you receiving any replies to your first post.
Many F&F have felt like jailers and detectives and long for a life when such feelings can disappear. Many F&F have heard that they will never understand how the CG (compulsive gambler) feels and you are right that this works both ways. Having said that it is important to know that ‘you’ do not have his addiction, you can think reasonably and logically whereas he is befuddled with addiction – therefore you are stronger than him even if you don’t feel it.
Your husband’s addiction has hit upon the notion that telling you when he has gambled is a way of gaining your trust. I hope the following will help you cope with what he is possibly/probably doing because although not recognized professionally as a coping mechanism, it has worked for many, many F&F as they struggle to cope with deceit.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your wits about you and don’t threaten his addiction it will stay quiet, although it doesn’t sleep.
Your husband is controlled by his addiction beast, which is a master of manipulation and it has found that if he tells you when he has gambled, you back off. The addiction uses confusion, lies and deceit as it seeks to blame and demoralise you. Equally what you say to your husband is controlled by his addiction distorting truth to fit his personal perspective.
This was explained to me by a CG who lives in control of his addiction that whilst you are telling your husband that, for instance, if he didn’t tell lies and was honest, your lives would be better; his addiction is telling him that what you are saying is not true. Your husband owns an addiction that makes him feel a failure and worthless so how could ‘you’, someone who is successfully managing her life possibly love him and understand him and what he wants. Believing himself to be a worthless unlovable failure, his addiction fights back with the only coping mechanism he has – lies and distortion of truth.
I think that maybe it would be better to say something like ‘I’ve sought support and although you have told me that you have gambled, don’t expect me to believe that you are trying to control your addiction’ and leave it at that – no further discussion, just a simple bald statement allowing him the knowledge that this method of manipulation is wasted.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. If you can stand back a bit, rather than entering the fray, and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship.
You are right that your husband can control his addiction – if he couldn’t I would not be writing to you now, however, it is quite possible that he doesn’t believe he can change his life but spends his days trusting in an addiction that basically hates him.
I would never suggest to anyone that they leave or stay with a CG – but I do not believe that staying with him, on its own, is enablement. What do you mean when you say that you are trying to keep him afloat and his life in order?
I will leave this reply here Vicky as you have been left too long without one but please come back to me if there is anything you disagree with or want to know. It would be great to ‘meet’ you in the F&F group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – nothing said in the group appears on the forum – you will be safe and understood.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Whattodo
It seems to me that your husband is in a cycle but because it isn’t on a daily or weekly basis it is harder to spot but you have spotted it and that is why your alarm bells are ringing.
I am not surprised that you have trouble with “the story that he wanted me to help him quit and that he couldn’t do it without me story”. I wouldn’t say you are wrong in believing his intentions are good but your experience tells you that this is just another ruse to get money for gambling and I believe that experience counts for everything with this addiction. The more times the same cycle (however long) repeats itself the more there is cause to trust in your own judgement than what you are hearing. The alarm bells are ringing for a reason.
I cannot tell you what to do which is not me opting out but it is important that you make your own decisions on what you do. Informed decisions are best, however and it is that information that this forum seeks to offer.
Do you believe he gambles with the allowance you give him for gas and food? Does he earn enough to cover these things for himself if he were not gambling? Does he give you receipts for the gas and food – which would be the usually behaviour for many CGs who ask for support in controlling their addiction? In my opinion, if he is earning enough to pay for gas and food himself, it is acceptable to withdraw the top-up.
Speak soon and if possible please access the F&F group on Tuesday.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi R
Deep down, however much we try and look after ourselves, I think that with addiction in the home it is impossible no to have it ticking away somewhere in the brain but tucking it away securely, to the back of your mind for an hour or two every day, is a start towards filling your mind with new and happier thoughts which the addiction has often stifled.
Your understanding of your husband’s addiction and a very good understanding of enablement will hopefully help him to take the responsibility her needs to take, if he is to control his addiction.
Maternity leave has given you the positive incentive to stand your ground and so often that is what F&F should do but have trouble actually doing. It is often the financial rock bottom for F&F that bring the message home that they are sinking along with the addiction and the realisation that enough is enough or they will not be able to cope any longer.
I am so sorry you are having trouble contacting our Helpline and I’m sorry there is no direct telephone line. Maybe you could email the site and set up a time for you to talk – it is usually open between 09.00 – 17.00 hours UK time and is excellent. The group on Tuesdays is available to you and I have some evenings where only one member pops is – you would be very welcome. I would understand if you kept disappearing to cope with your baby/kids – if often happens.
I suggest you keep doing what you are doing and hopefully your husband will respond. The addiction to gamble does create an emotional immaturity and this is understood by those who are dedicated to counselling/therapy with this addiction. As I said before GA isn’t for everybody but there is a lot of help and hope when your husband decides to commit to a gamble free life.
Speak soon
Velvet

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