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sorry I said I would bring the thread up and didn’t !
I will do it now
V
Hi Jane
well done on finding the forum. I can’t write too much tonight but I will bring up my thread entitled ‘the F&F cycle’ for you and maybe it will help you see that you are in the right place here. Our Helpline is open between 9am and 5pm – it is one-to-one and private and it is there for you and your son when he is ready.
I will write to you asap
Velvet<
Hello Jane
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Mimmy
You have started in the right place and I am glad that you have found this forum.
It is indeed unbelievably distressing to find out that you son has an addiction to gamble but being aware is better than unwittingly enabling an addiction, so believe me it is good that you know. With knowledge you will learn to cope and gain strength so that you will be able to give him the right support which is not the usual support a mother expects to give her son.
I suggest that you ensure that all your valuables and money are inaccessible to your son – at the moment he is struggling with an addiction that he didn’t want or ask for; he will probably try and find money or something to sell to gain money to gamble because that is his ‘need’ while his life is out of his control. I cannot tell you what to do but money to a CG is the same as a drink to an alcoholic so clearing his gambling debts or giving him cash is enabling his addiction.
I think you are right not to trust him at the moment but if he is saying he wants help then give him pointers to good support. Perhaps you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20 question from their web site and give them to him so that he knows he is not alone and that there is help for him. Find the address of your local GA and maybe take him to his first meeting but don’t order him to go, or ask him to go for you – he has to want to go for himself.
This site has great support for CGs. Our Helpline is fantastic and we have CG only groups where he will be understood and supported.
There is also in the UK an amazing rehab called the Gordon Moody Association – details can be found on one of the forums below the Friends and Family forum entitled ‘GMA residential treatment Q & A’ – information on this is also available from our Helpline.
Your son is young and his addiction probably hasn’t hurt him much yet but if he seeks support he will learn how much his addiction can hurt him if he doesn’t seek to change his life – this is why contact with CGs who have learned to control their addictions and dedicated counsellors are the best support.
Looking after you is so important for your son. It sounds weak advice but it works because if you become so immersed in his addiction it will bring you down and you won’t be able to cope yourself making you another victim of his addiction. Perhaps most importantly he doesn’t want to hurt you but he undoubtedly will do so until he controls his addiction. Keep in touch with your friends and family, don’t give up on hobbies and interests – every day do something that pleases you and doesn’t involve gambling.
Perhaps you could inform your bank that your son has an addiction to gamble and that they must not honour gambling transactions. Your son’s addiction loves secrecy so that it can thrive but if those around him know the danger they can ensure they don’t enable him – it is not being disloyal to talk to those from whom you could get support or who might enable him – it is the right thing to do.
Does he have brothers and sisters and if so are they aware?
I hope you will come in to the F&F group on Thursday evening between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time so that we can communicate in real time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
Keep posting Mimmy, I know how hard the first post is to write but having now done it, please keep going because this forum is here for you.
Finally Mimmy, I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and that your son can have a wonderful gamble-free life.
VelvetHi Logic
I wouldn’t recommend writing your CG a letter – they can be read a million ways and probably never the way you meant the words to be taken. He can screw it up and throw it away or fold it away in a pocket but it still gives him the opportunity to dig it out and re-read it, with his distorted perception, while getting angrier and more determined to believe that you don’t understand him and that gambling is his only answer.
I believe in letting a CG know that you know they are telling lies, when you are positive that they are – but do it without lots of words that get lost in translation. Something like ‘OK, I hear what you say but don’t think you are fooling me’ and leave it at that; then either get involved in something else or change the subject letting it be clear that as far as you are concerned the subject is firmly closed. Closing the subject when a CG wants to get a reaction is important, in my opinion – not only does it say that he is not succeeding in treating you like an idiot but it takes you out of the argument. Flouncing out and banging the door is a reaction, as is shouting, crying, threatening and pleading, whereas solidly refusing his addiction will hopefully keep you safe.
Velvet<
Hello CD
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
<
Hello Layace
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Paul and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Addicted to Pain
I was about to move your post to ‘My Journal’ when right at the end I saw you were basically writing to Chamomile and I have left it where it is.
You seem to be saying you have tried everything but I believe there has to be a different way for those who are determined enough. On your way through reading Chamomile’s thread I am sure you noticed one from Paul 2017 who is waiting for a space in the Gordon Moody Association (GMA) rehab. This is a place that I have tremendous faith in – it isn’t an easy programme, it is challenging but if you really want to change your life I suggest you perhaps look down in the forums for the one entitled ‘GMA residential treatment Q&A’.
Chamomile has not given up on you yet so why not take the biggest gamble of all and accept recovery – ok so it hurts but then your life is hurting you every day now. You will feel a void but with the support she is offering maybe you could learn to fill that void and it doesn’t last forever, unlike the pain of addiction. I remember another member years ago whose partner had multiple addictions just as you have. They were not in this country and I can’t remember what path he took to find his way forward but he never gave up and when he had been gamble-free, drug-free and alcohol-free for 4 years they married. She popped back to the forum a couple of years later to say how good life was.
As I said to Chamomile there are no such things as crystal balls and I don’t know what your outcome will be but in my own experience the gambling addiction can be controlled. I know that the CG that I love will be a CG all his life and every day he has to reaffirm that just for today he will not gamble but he is happy and lives a very full life. For my own part I trust him that he will look after himself and that I cannot do it for him.
This forum will always be here for Chamomile. Perhaps you could talk to our Helpline and/or join our CG only groups – both are great and they are anonymous. The Helpline will also give you loads of information on GMA. Whatever you decide to do I wish you well.
Velvet<
Hello Michelle
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Michelle
Please start you own thread, it isn’t possible to give you the support you want on someone else’s thread.
Some CGs (compulsive gamblers) steal to get money to indulge the addiction they own, an addiction they neither asked for nor wanted – there is no judgement on this site.
Start your own thread by scrolling to the bottom of the F&F forum, click on ‘New Topic’, give yourself a ‘Subject’ heading then write your post in the box, (the one you have written here is fine), scroll down and click on ‘Save’.
VelvetHi Chamomile
My feeling is that contracts are a waste of time but all the things you are talking about putting in place are great.
I understand you showing your CG your posts but please never forget that this forum is for you. When I first came on the site, my CG was using ‘My Journal’ and I made sure I never read anything he had written because it was about ‘his’ recovery. I do believe, however, that it is more common for CGs to read F&F than it is the other way around.
You are doing really well but the responsibility of your CGs recovery is not something for you to shoulder. Taking responsibility for his behaviour is a big step towards a gamble-free healthy life for him. So support without pressure is probably the best way forward.
With regard to getting hurt, no relationship comes with a guarantee but you know upfront the problem with your relationship and knowledge is power with this addiction. None of has a crystal ball and I believe that life would be dull if we did have one – your CG wants to change his life and you want to stay with him – I suggest that is a good starting point and I wish you both well.
I will leave this here as you are getting terrific support from Vera too.
Keep posting but if there is anything you want to talk about in confidence please use the F&F group – it will be there and so will I. Nothing said in a group appears on the forum.
VelvetHi Chamomile
I remember going on line to look for a lying addiction but there wasn’t one – I found a forum where someone told me that he had one but then I reasoned he wouldn’t have told me if he had! When someone applies logic and reason to the addiction to gamble they won’t find it and yes it is common for CGs to lie about everything, not just their gambling.
Sometimes people tell me that they won £10 on the lottery last week and £50 on a horse the week before with no mention of loss – a CG hears these things too and must wonder why it can’t be so for them. When a CG first places a bet for fun, it could not be suspected that the action would have the reaction it has. The loss, that occurs inevitably, leads to the first lie to cover up disappointment.
I believe that the second lie and the third lie probably come easier because then there are no repercussions from friends or family – and ‘everybody loses sometimes don’t they?’ For many CGs lying becomes the tool of choice, the way to get a quiet life while they indulge in something they feel they cannot control. In the end after months and years their memories are based on lies and truth is a foreign field. However, this is all learned behaviour and with the right treatment the CG can learn to control their life and live exceptional lives, all the better often, I believe, for the courage it took to face the demon that beset them.
Your partner said that he had tens of thousands of dollars and it turned out to be perhaps $5000 – there was a nugget of truth in what he said – his mother did look after some money. The actual amount probably felt unimportant to your partner as money has little importance to a CG apart from being a means to an end. For the CG; the ‘gamble’ is what matters and whether a bet is $10 or $50.000 dollars the ‘gamble’ is what excites the CGs brain. Many, many CGs who determine to control their addiction ask someone else to handle their finances and that is a massive step forward.
You write that you gave him the opportunity to tell you everything and anything he has ever lied about and I am glad that he was able to tell you some big stuff because that suggests he trusts you. A CG has to learn to trust those who love them and in my opinion it is probably harder than F&F learning to trust a CG. Whether he told you everything is, in my view, unlikely but does it really matter?
Nobody knows Chamomile when a true recovery starts, not the CG and not those who love them – only time determines a true control of the addiction. Slips should not necessarily be viewed as negative – working through a slip can make a CG stronger for the future. I appreciate that you may have heard it all before and I know what that is like but from what you have said maybe your CG is posibly genuinely trying
For all the above I believe that it is important that you don’t try and believe and trust too early because there may well be further disappointments for both of you. Keep your feet firmly on the ground and listen to what he is saying while staying calm – as you have already been doing. He almost certainly doesn’t ‘know’ that you would prefer to be hurt by the truth than to be kept happy with lies – such knowledge will only come a lot later for him – but it can come and at the risk of repeating myself I say again ‘I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that he can learn to be honest.’
I’m going to leave this here for now Chamomile to give you a chance to ask more questions or update on what is happening.
Velvet
