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Hello Sean and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Khand
All our members are unique and all are given replies to their own individual questions.
It is not possible to support you on someone else’s thread so please start you own so that you can get the individual support.
Just scroll to the bottom of the F&F forum page and click on ‘New Topic’ – give your thread a title, write ‘your’ story which can be as little or as much as you want, in the box and then scroll down and click ‘send’.
The forums are watched by someone every day and you will receive support tailored to you and your questions.
There is a Friends and Family group on Thursdays when communication is in real time between 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time – you will be very welcome – nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
To enter the group click on the ‘Helpline’ at the top during the hour and scroll down to the Friends and Family group, preferably early because the hour flashes by. Click on ‘join’ and you are in – its certainly worth a try.
VelvetHi BL
I have taken so long to write my reply and now I see that Lily has already replied – but as I have to go out I will send this unedited even if we are almost certainly saying the same thing.
I don’t know where your husband is staying but the principle behind a rehab is to remove a CG from their loved ones and the environment in which they indulged their addiction, thus allowing the CG the space and time to think solely of themselves and what they can do to change something that is so ingrained it feels impossible to change – of course, this time apart also gives the loved one time to agonise over the future and what is possibly going on.
Your husband probably isn’t working on his marriage as a priority – he is working on himself and it will be very painful for him but if he doesn’t do this work and do it properly you will get the same man back and no amount of loving or caring will make any difference.
Before my CG eventually chose rehab, he estranged himself completely from me – I didn’t know anything about his whereabouts or what he was doing and I fretted and worried just as you are doing. In fact my CG was not gamble-free as your husband has been for a month and he spiralled into an abyss with no hope. Even from this abyss though there is always hope and for some reason, unknown to me, he became determined to change his life. He was in rehab for 9 months and for 3 of those months, he told me, he blamed me for his addiction. I didn’t speak to him for all of this time and in fact I didn’t see him for a further 6 months. In retrospect I am glad that this time apart was not in my control because I too was a carer/fixer – I believed that more than anybody else in the world I was the one that could ‘help’ my CG because who could love him more? Knowing what I know now I realise that hearing him blame me would have triggered responses from me that would have ruined his hope of recovery whereas, thanks to the separation what I didn’t know didn’t hurt me – and those who were supporting him understood why he was saying what he did.
You are supporting your husband by using this forum, by seeing a counsellor and by working on being yourself – the woman your husband fell in love with. In my opinion if the person who loves a CG sits back and does nothing, while their loved one digs into their very being to find answers, then she will be the same when they meet again. I was not the woman who took my CG to the rehab 6 months earlier – I could not have given him the right support, I was too close. I had learned that I cannot judge anyone else, that I have to understand me and why I do and say things I do. I learned that my need was not his need and although I never made sense of the senseless I was ready to listen and understand rather than trying to talk him into my way of thinking.
I found the strangest thing about my life, post-active CG, is that my CG had to learn to trust me more than I had to learn to trust him. If I had not changed, our relationship would not have survived. I know this to be true because during the first 2 years I doubted something, I hung on to it until it built up inside me and I told him, believing that it was the right to do. He told me that my fears were unjustified and indeed they were. As a result I was fine but he wasn’t. Fortunately he had support behind him that he could turn to because he reasoned that, if ‘I’ didn’t trust him after all the work he had done on himself, then what hope had he got. During early recovery a CG is very vulnerable but I didn’t know how vulnerable and for those 2 days of doubt I was, in effect, the same woman who had taken him to the rehab a year earlier – it apeared I had learned nothing.
You write that you have forgiven him and moved on but for me that took about 2 years. I am not sure that your husband could know so early on that you have truly forgiven him and that what has gone before over so many years has been really put in to the past. He must still be so vulnerable because guilt hangs heavily round their necks for a very long time.
If your husband is one month gamble-free I don’t believe that you are the only one working towards your relationship. Although I said earlier that your husband will be working on himself over and above your marriage then that surely is working on (and for) your relationship because with an active addiction he cannot be the man you want him to be or the father you want for your children.
If any of this doesn’t make sense I hope you will fire straight back at me. It would be great to ‘talk’ in real time on a Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – it is so good to feel understanding across cyber space and it works both ways.
I wish you, your husband and your children well at this difficult time
Velvet<
Hello Ellie
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Jane
Talking to someone who doesn’t want to talk is very difficult and barriers get harder and harder to pull down the longer it goes on. Your son wants those barriers because the reason he doesn’t want to talk is probably because he feels ashamed, bewildered and a failure and probably, most of all, he doesn’t believe that anybody can understand him – least of all, sadly, those who care the most.
The following is a coping method that is not recognised by professionals but I know has worked for many.
I suggest that as texting is the only communication you keep it very, very short. Maybe just ‘I love you’ when you go to bed or ‘I had a bad/good day today how about you?’ When you see your son say ‘hi’ or similar and avoid conversation about gambling or what you think he should be doing.
When you enter a room your son probably thinks ‘what’s coming now?’ So, as you enter to speak to him, or when he walks in from work or whenever you see him, imagine a beast called ‘addiction’ a few feet away from him crouching and waiting for you to speak one word out of place about his behaviour or what you expect or want from him or for him. You son may well feign sleep or bewilderment when you speak but this is to buy time for his addition to prepare its answers to get you to back off.
Your need is for your son to stop gambling but he believes that his need is to ‘gamble’. Without treatment you will not stop him unless he wants to stop. The good news (such as it is) is that ‘you’ do not own his addition and you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead.
When his addiction perceives it is being attacked it lies and deceive because that is it’s coping mechanism. His addiction will seek to blame you and demoralise you and in turn it will demoralise him destroying his self-confidence and self-esteem and that is why it so important that you look after yourself.
I had it explained to me by a CG like this – when you say to your son, for instance, that you love him, he cannot believe you because why would you love someone so worthless (which is what ‘he believes)? If you can lie about such things then maybe you are lying about everything – remember that lies are his chosen tool to protect his addition. Believing himself to be a failure, a disappointment he distorts truth because at the moment he doesn’t have a coping mechanism. As I said above though about texting, I believe that saying ‘I love you’ without entering any further discussion is good because it confuses the addiction and can give your son hope that although he believes you cannot understand, maybe you are still on his side.
I believe it is better not to believe your son’s words in these early days because in trying to see truth or change, when he is muddled by addiction, only makes you more receptive to an addiction that is the master of manipulation. It is better to avoid an argument that has no other purpose than to make you feel less in control.
I know a lot (most) of this sounds negative and the opposite of what any mother should have to face but what it does, is it to remove you from the centre of the addiction giving you time to gain energy to do that which you can do to support your son.
I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to look after yourself first and that by doing so, you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with his addiction. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
I suggest that you talk to his siblings and ask that they unite against his addiction but to try and understand that he need help not judgement. It isn’t easy and I have a thread called ‘siblings’ which I have also brought up for you which will hopefully help you achieve a balance with those around him. Unity against an addiction is great for the CG even if they don’t say thank you for a long, long time.
I really would not be here if I didn’t know that this addition can be controlled – it takes courage on the part of the CG and enormous understanding of those around them. Good support is precious, enablement is not.
Please keep posting and I really hope to ‘meet’ you again on Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time.
VelvetHello Thereisnoeasymoney
and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forumsHere at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Jenpen and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Dext
I am so sorry you have not had replies and I hope you are still reading the forum and that this post will be read by you.
I believe that by gaining knowledge of your mother’s addiction you will cope better and know what to do.
The addiction to gamble is not about money, it is solely about the ‘gamble’. Your mother wants money to gamble because money is a tool, a means to an end and not an end in itself.
It seems to me that your siblings are being used by her addiction as pawns – if you don’t enable then their mother they will suffer and if their mother suffers then so will they. Is there any other way these young children can be protected because giving their mother money is fueling her addiction which will increase without treatment. The suicide threat is similar, who can hear such a threat and not want to jump to the rescue?
I am wondering about an intervention – you have mentioned an uncle who is enabling and therefore unwittingly not giving your mother the support she needs. Would it be possible for you to get together and calmly discuss your mother’s problem, along with any other family members or friends who might enable her? With knowledge of her addiction, maybe as a family you could form a plan and then put it to her – not in the form of a threat (unless you are prepared to carry it out) but gently and with understanding. Your mother didn’t ask for or want her addiction anymore than you did; she is gambling to escape from life but her addiction is hurting her and all those who love her – maybe she could be taught gently to see that. Perhaps you could download the Gamblers anonymous 20 questions from their web site and ask her to answer the questions so that she can see the extent of the damage her addiction is doing to herself and those around her.
Don’t be afraid to talk about her addiction to those who can help because the addition thrives on secrecy to gain enablement – your mother won’t want you all to ‘know’ what she is doing but unity is good. There is a lot of support for active CGs – our Helpline and our CG groups are here for her as is GA which is very effective and which I am sure will have a branch local to your mother.
I hope you are still with the forum and that you will post again
VelvetHi Dove
First of all a massive apology that you have not had other replies earlier, I hope you are still reading.
The plea bargaining and guilt tripping are common – your partner is afraid of the unknown which is very understandable.
I can think of many reasons why you wrote your post and I hope you will keep posting as your partner goes in to GMA. It would be great to ‘meet’ you in real time next Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hour UK times. Enter the group by clicking on the Helpline at the top and then scroll down to the F&F group – you would be very welcome.
When he goes on the GMA programme, the best thing you can do is to look after yourself. It might not sound much but your partner will be learning a lot about himself and when he comes home he will feel quite different from the way he feels now. If, in the meantime, you see friends, enjoy hobbies and interests, have a massage, change your hair style, in fact anything that gives ‘you’pleasure, (activities which have probably been left by the wayside while you lived with an active addiction), you will also progress and be better prepared for him entering a gamble-free life.
When a CG takes a leap of faith towards recovery they often feel a void – how to live without the addiction they believed sustained them? On the programme they learn to cope but if nothing has changed in those around them while they are away then it is easier to slip back. If you are feeling positive and in control of your life by putting yourself first, gaining an understanding of his addiction and how he will feel in the early months when he has completed the programme, then you can be the support that will make the difference.
I hope that you are still reading. I am coping with a bereavement at the moment which is preventing me being as on the ball as I would like to be but I will look for you and I am thinking about you.
Monday will be a tough day for you but I understand – I took my CG to Gordon House 10 years ago and it was the finest extra mile I will probably ever walk.
VelvetHi Logic
You are answering your own question which is great. If he is buying something with money that you know comes from a ‘gamble’ then in effect you would be validating his behaviour. A polite ‘no thank you – I can’t/will not accept a present made possible by gambling’ would be enough. I think of it in terms of refusing the addiction – not the thought behind the gift, hope that makes sense.
I’m really pleased you both had a really good time – good times without gambling are important for a CG to have in his memory bank and especially important for your welfare.
I am a bit erratic at the moment due to bereavement but I do read the forum every day and you are doing well.
Velvet
