[velvet]

Hi Jesere
In what way are the other friends and family supporting your partner? Most people do not understand what enabling means but you do and that is important. I spent 25 years doing everything wrong for all the right reasons.
If you partner is still on poker websites then he is keeping his addiction alive. Did you download the 20 questions and if so what was his reaction?
Keep posting J and live in the middle or ‘your’ life and not on the periphery of your partners – even if he is making bad choices, you don’t have to.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jsere
Trust takes years to rebuild once it has been damaged and It is not your job to find out how to trust – if you do not trust your partner then trust your gut instinct.
Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions from their website and let your partner see that you are treating his addiction seriously, even if he is not.
Many CGs go to meetings because they are either told to go or they think it will please those who care about them but they don’t really want to change the way they behave. They come home and say that they can do it on their own, as your partner has done, or say they are not as bad as the others at the meeting – this is denial.
I hope the money that you have moved into a safe account is really safe in your name and that he does not know the pin number or have any other access to it because you will need to protect your finances for you and your son.
You ask whether you have rights to ask where your partner spends his money – I don’t think ‘rights’ come into it with a CG. If he asked you to handle his finances, which many CG who want to live gamble-free do, then it is ok to ask for receipts but an active CG who wants to gamble will do so with or without your knowledge.
Keep posting Jesere – I think reading other posts is a great idea.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jsere
I thought that I would write a quick post as well as the formal welcome post. Everything you have written is understood and there are lots of ways to protect yourself because protecting yourself is the best way for you to support your CG.
It is late so this is a very quick reply but I wanted you to know you were being heard. I will write a fuller reply soon.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Jsere

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Rdemm and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Gvralls
You posted for advice and you got a terrific reply from Vera who is a self-confessed CG and who gave you a more honest opinion about the pitfalls of Nguyen’s addiction than you will receive from anybody else.
You now write that you are planning on keeping on travelling with her and I am at a loss to understand why having been so clearly advised of the dangers.
It’s an old adage but ‘beauty is only skin deep’ and in my world that means that it has no relation to goodness being found underneath. As a person who does not have the addiction to gamble I would not be tempted to put my life at risk just because someone had the look of a god and could cook manna from heaven. The fact that Nguyen works hard is not uncommon with this addiction as she needs money to gamble and feed her first love.
I hope you will keep posting but please look after yourself and ensure that your finances are well protected as your investments are almost certainly very attractive to a CG.
I wish you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Chez
I wouldn’t tell you to tell a family member because whatever you do must come from you. What I can tell you is that you are in the right place coming here and you are not alone.
I appreciate you have tried counselling and hypnotherapy but until now you have not tried this site so I hope you will keep posting because there are so many who understand you and who will support you.
If I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble could not be controlled I would not be writing to you. You are a unique person Chez and you have an important role to fulfill in your family, you are supporting your daughter but you have recognised that you also need support which is the first step towards being gamble-free so well done. I will look out for you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Laura
Over 6 years ago your husband told you he would leave you if you gambled again and it possibly went part way to encouraging you to change your life but more importantly you stopped for you. Has your marriage been happy in the meantime, does he still show you his love, do you really believe that he would call it a day on your marriage if he knew? Is it less important to you than it was then?
From all that you have said I would be inclined towards leaving him in the dark for a period of time now you have embraced your gamble-free life again. I have no idea whether or not your husband would carry out a threat made such a long time ago and only you can know if your marriage is one you want to hold on to. What I am sure about is that a gamble-free Laura was a happier Laura than she has been recently and gambling has caused that upset in your peace of mind.
I completely agree you should focus on you and your recovery from this blip before the money you are expecting arrives.
Take ODAAT for Laura and nobody else – it is you that holds the key to your future happiness, not your friends or your family. Lying hurts those around you but it will hurt you more.
“We can do anything for just one day” is not just what ‘they’ say; it is what you said to others and what you said to you and what you know to be true.
Look after yourself
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi BL
The line I like best in your posts is when you say ”he hasnt given me any reason to think anything negative so i wont “. Negative thinking brings us all down and even if your husband did give you any concern then positive thought will certainly do more good for both of you
Compulsive gamblers lie because that is one of the main tools of the addiction – it makes those around them back off and because it worked in the early days it often becomes a method of coping for them. Control of the addiction takes time and it is easy for those who love them .to want honesty and transparency more quickly than is possible. It takes a long time for the addiction to get a real grip and it stands to reason that it will also take a long time to fully get to grips with reality.
You did well telling him to go and figure out his mood rather than allowing his grumpiness to bring you down which would have helped neither of you – that is really good coping on your part. Keep doing what you are dong – well done.
I am sure you have heard the Serenity Prayer – this is my favourite version
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Angela
I can hear you are a caring sibling and you want to do the right things for your brother. You don’t have to answer but I am wondering how old he is.
Compulsive gamblers often say, in the early days, that what they are doing is fun; it is possible that your brother is not aware of the dangers inherent in his chosen pastime. I suggest you download the 20 questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website and ask your brother to read them – maybe he will see that there really is an addiction for gambling and it does wreck lives.
You can suggest the wellness clinic but forcing him will not make him stop if a possible addiction has been growing for some time. If his possible addiction becomes your main concern then you will not be able to cope so if is vital that you look after yourself. The addiction to gamble loves secrecy – it allows it to grow without being checked because friends and family enable unwittingly. Are your parents aware of what is happening?
I will await your reply to the posts you have received but in the meantime care for him by gently telling him you are concerned and maybe tell him that you have sought help because you are taking his actions seriously.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hei Sweepy Selv om tap av penger er et massivt problem for de som elsker CG -er (tvangsspillere), gjør løgn og generell dårlig oppførsel mer vondt. Har din manns oppførsel endret seg siden han begynte å motta hjelp, er han mindre humørsyk, mer åpen, snillere, mer avgjort? Dette er tingene som hjelper de rundt dem med å gjenkjenne reell endring i motsetning til leppeservice. Er mannen din klar over at du mangler tillit til hans ønske om å leve spillfritt? Hvis han er det, kan du kanskje foreslå at han snakker med dem som støtter ham om din forståelige bekymring, de kan sannsynligvis hjelpe ham med å forstå deg hvor han er i bedringen. Jeg håper du vil skrive mer om deg selv, ser du etter deg selv eller ser du ham prøve å forandre seg? Når du bruker 24 timer i døgnet på å bekymre deg for om en du er glad i, virkelig søker bedring, utvikler du deg ikke. Avhengigheten til å gamble ødelegger selvtilliten og selvfølelsen til både CG og de som elsker dem. Å passe på deg selv kan virke som et dårlig forslag, men jeg vet at det fungerer ikke bare for deg, men til syvende og sist er det det beste for mannen din også. Jeg vet at avhengigheten til gamble kan kontrolleres – jeg har sett det og hørt det mange ganger, men jeg vet også at det er vanskelig for både CG og de rundt dem å vite når en sann bedring starter, men de begynner. Fortsett å legge ut og bli med i F&F -gruppen på torsdag mellom 20.00 og 21.00 timer britisk tid – noen ganger er det lettere å kommunisere i sanntid. Godt skrevet det første innlegget ditt, det første innlegget er det vanskeligste. Fløyel

[velvet]

Hi Sweepy
Although loss of money is a massive problem to those who love CGs (compulsive gamblers), the lying and general poor behaviour hurts more. Has your husband’s behaviour changed since he started to receive help, is he less moody, more open, kinder, more settled? These are the things that help those around them to recognise real change as opposed to lip service.
Is your husband aware that you are lacking in confidence with his desire to live gamble-free? If he is, then maybe you could suggest that he speaks to those who are supporting him about your understandable concern, they can probably help him to help you understand where he is in his recovery.
I am hoping you will write more about yourself, are you looking after yourself or just watching him trying to change? When you spend 24 hours a day worrying about whether a loved one is really seeking recovery then you are not progressing yourself. The addiction to gamble destroys the self-confidence and self esteem of both the CG and those who love them. Looking after yourself might seem a poor suggestion but I know it works not only for you but ultimately it is the best thing for your husband too.
I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled – I have seen it and heard it many times but I also know it is hard for both the CG and those around them to know when a true recovery starts but start they do.
Keep posting and maybe join the F&F group on Thursday between 20.00 and 21.00 hours UK time – sometimes it is easier to communicate in real time.
Well done writing your first post, the first post is the hardest.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hei Sweepy Vaikka rahan menetys on valtava ongelma niille, jotka rakastavat CG: itä (pakonomaisia uhkapelureita), valehtelu ja yleinen huono käyttäytyminen satuttaa enemmän. Onko miehesi käyttäytyminen muuttunut siitä lähtien, kun hän alkoi saada apua, onko hän vähemmän mielialainen, avoimempi, ystävällisempi, vakiintuneempi? Nämä ovat asioita, jotka auttavat ympärillään olevia tunnistamaan todellisen muutoksen huulipalvelun sijaan. Onko miehesi tietoinen siitä, että sinulta puuttuu luottamus hänen haluunsa elää ilman uhkapeliä? Jos hän on, niin voisit ehkä ehdottaa, että hän puhuu heille, jotka tukevat häntä ymmärrettävästä huolestasi, he voivat todennäköisesti auttaa häntä auttamaan sinua ymmärtämään, missä hän on toipumassa. Toivon, että kirjoitat enemmän itsestäsi, pidätkö huolta itsestäsi vai vain katsot hänen yrittävän muuttua? Kun vietät 24 tuntia vuorokaudessa murehtien, onko rakkaasi todella toipumassa, et edisty itse. Peliriippuvuus tuhoaa sekä CG: n että heitä rakastavien itseluottamuksen ja itsetunnon. Itsestä huolehtiminen saattaa tuntua huonolta ehdotukselta, mutta tiedän, että se ei toimi vain sinulle, mutta lopulta se on parasta myös miehellesi. Tiedän, että uhkapeliriippuvuutta voidaan hallita – olen nähnyt sen ja kuullut sen monta kertaa, mutta tiedän myös, että sekä CG: n että heidän ympärillään olevien on vaikea tietää, milloin todellinen toipuminen alkaa, mutta he alkavat. Jatka julkaisemista ja liity F & F -ryhmään torstaina klo 20.00–21.00 Ison -Britannian aikaa – joskus on helpompaa kommunikoida reaaliajassa. Hyvin kirjoitettu ensimmäinen viestisi, ensimmäinen viesti on vaikein. Sametti

[velvet]

Hallo Sweepy Hoewel geldverlies een enorm probleem is voor liefhebbers van CG's (dwangmatige gokkers), doet liegen en algemeen slecht gedrag meer pijn. Is het gedrag van uw man veranderd sinds hij hulp begon te krijgen, is hij minder humeurig, meer open, vriendelijker, meer gesetteld? Dit zijn de dingen die de mensen om hen heen helpen om echte verandering te herkennen, in tegenstelling tot lippendienst. Is uw man zich ervan bewust dat u geen vertrouwen heeft in zijn verlangen om zonder gokken te leven? Als dat zo is, kunt u misschien voorstellen dat hij met degenen die hem steunen, spreekt over uw begrijpelijke zorg, zij kunnen hem waarschijnlijk helpen om u te helpen begrijpen waar hij zich bevindt in zijn herstel. Ik hoop dat je meer over jezelf gaat schrijven, zorg je voor jezelf of kijk je alleen maar hoe hij probeert te veranderen? Als je je 24 uur per dag zorgen maakt of een geliefde echt herstel zoekt, dan kom je zelf niet vooruit. De gokverslaving vernietigt het zelfvertrouwen en het gevoel van eigenwaarde van zowel de CG als degenen die van hen houden. Voor jezelf zorgen lijkt misschien een slechte suggestie, maar ik weet dat het niet alleen voor jou werkt, maar uiteindelijk ook het beste is voor je man. Ik weet dat de gokverslaving onder controle kan worden gehouden – ik heb het vaak gezien en gehoord, maar ik weet ook dat het moeilijk is voor zowel de CG als de mensen om hen heen om te weten wanneer een echt herstel begint, maar ze beginnen. Blijf posten en sluit je misschien aan bij de F&F-groep op donderdag tussen 20.00 en 21.00 uur Britse tijd – soms is het makkelijker om in realtime te communiceren. Goed gedaan met het schrijven van je eerste bericht, het eerste bericht is het moeilijkst. Flueel

[velvet]

Sveiki, Sweepy Nors pinigų praradimas yra didžiulė problema tiems, kurie myli CG (kompulsinius lošėjus), melas ir apskritai blogas elgesys skauda labiau. Ar pasikeitė jūsų vyro elgesys nuo tada, kai jis pradėjo gauti pagalbą, ar jis yra mažiau nuotaikingas, atviresnis, malonesnis, labiau nusiteikęs? Tai yra dalykai, kurie padeda aplinkiniams atpažinti tikrus pokyčius, o ne lūpų aptarnavimą. Ar jūsų vyras žino, kad jums trūksta pasitikėjimo jo noru gyventi be lošimų? Jei taip yra, galbūt galėtumėte pasiūlyti, kad jis kalbėtų su tais, kurie jį palaiko, apie jūsų suprantamą susirūpinimą, jie tikriausiai gali padėti jam suprasti, kur jis atsigauna. Tikiuosi, kad daugiau parašysite apie save, ar prižiūrite save, ar tiesiog stebite, kaip jis bando pasikeisti? Kai 24 valandas per parą nerimaujate dėl to, ar mylimas žmogus tikrai nori pasveikti, tada jūs pats nesiimate progreso. Priklausomybė nuo azarto žlugdo tiek CG, tiek juos mylinčių žmonių pasitikėjimą savimi ir savigarbą. Rūpinimasis savimi gali atrodyti prastas pasiūlymas, tačiau žinau, kad tai tinka ne tik jums, bet galiausiai tai yra geriausia ir jūsų vyrui. Žinau, kad priklausomybę lošti galima kontroliuoti – aš tai mačiau ir girdėjau daug kartų, bet taip pat žinau, kad ir CG, ir aplinkiniams sunku žinoti, kada prasideda tikras atsigavimas, bet kada jie pradeda. Tęskite skelbimą ir galbūt prisijunkite prie „F&F“ grupės ketvirtadienį nuo 20 iki 21 val. JK laiku – kartais lengviau bendrauti realiuoju laiku. Gerai parašei savo pirmąjį įrašą, pirmasis įrašas yra sunkiausias. Aksomas

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