[velvet]

Hello Jamjam and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello DG and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Red
I was frantically typing when the group closed. I was wondering if you could communicate with out Helpline during the day as there is often a CG on duty – he lives in control of his addiction and could give you an insight into just what it is that your son is really saying at the moment.
Please look after yourself
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Peanut Feathers
Once again Lily has beaten me with her response and once again I am sending a post I wrote earlier before I had read her words.
I’m sorry that you were too sad to respond because there is always someone here listening and it is common to find that writing relieves pain – putting your thoughts on here will hopefully take a lot of the pain and confusion out of your head.
In answer to your question, if he is a CG, your husband won’t stop gambling just like that – he may abstain for a while but abstinence is not controlling the addiction.
It’s only a thought but your husband may have gone to strip clubs to help him feel he was still the man he would like to be – because the addiction to gamble takes over a CGs mind for 24 hours a day sometimes they struggle with other things – strip clubs are easier than explaining to the women they love why they can’t show affection.
Pride is not something I associate with CGs, your husband will almost certainly be suffering with low self-esteem and no confidence. To hide such feelings he is possibly showing bravado but I suspect your husband is probably more afraid of his feelings than you think. He will not understand why you still love him because he probably feels worthless.
Please keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Thara and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Sharins and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Peanut Feathers
I saw your post earlier and wrote my reply but I had to go out and I didn’t send it. If I duplicate anything Lily has since said, the reason is that although we are all unique the problem we share is common. I am therefore sending my post without alteration.
Your post, which was certainly not too long, outlines your situation completely making it easier to know how to support you.
I will not be addressing your husband as ex because what you decide to do is down to you and at the moment you are saying you would do anything to be with him, there has been no divorce, so he is not an ‘ex’ at all.
The pattern of addiction you describe is common – millions of people gamble without a problem but CGs do not know until it is too late that for them gambling is not something they can enjoy and walk away from.
I suggest your husband has had a gambling problem for at the very least six years and that encouraging you to join him was a natural way forward for him. Don’t beat yourself up that you went with him because you were not to know there was anything to worry about and he would not have wanted you to know. The addiction to gamble loves secrecy and those who love CGs seldom, if ever, know from the beginning that there is a problem
Many CGs who seek recovery don’t fully accept they have a problem, so although they seem improved, they can begin to believe that they are cured and then a relapse can occur more easily. However the tools given to your husband when he sought support will not be entirely forgotten which raises hope that another stronger recovery will take place, in other words a CG can turn his back on the support given but something hopefully usually rubs off. The happiness your husband experienced will not be forgotten by him but in my opinion he doesn’t know how to access it again and he is living with the wrong person to help him.
As long as someone is willing to enable, the job of facing an addiction will appear insurmountable. Making the leap of faith to live gamble-free takes a lot of hard work, a lot of pain and a lot of courage – your CG is avoiding all these things possibly by living with someone who is not willing or able to support him in the way he needs support.
Marriage to you is not his problem – ‘Gambling’ is. He is married to you but possibly he is afraid of the immensity of a Church wedding which is not overly uncommon with CGs. Family occasions are often overwhelming; they can bring back deep personal memories of other difficult family gatherings. Trying to feel part of something good whilst feeling inadequate can bring on massive feelings of guilt and guilt always brings misery – gambling is a way to avoid that misery.
I am really saddened that your Family group thought that giving an ultimatum to an active CG to recover or leave was a good idea – It is something you will never hear on this site. CGs react to ultimatums usually by running away and/or gambling – your CG’s addiction is the master of manipulation and you are not. His reaction should have been fore-seen by this group and never forwarded as an option.
I think your husband probably truly believed his final message to you before he left for Hawaii but if he is getting enablement to gamble it is probably a lot easier to blame you and indulge his addiction rather than seek recovery.
Do you have any communication with him at all and if so what is? Is it possible for you to move away from Las Vegas to somewhere that doesn’t have gambling as its main reason to exist?
I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. I know of many, many spouses who have not left and who do enjoy incredibly special lives with their husbands – it isn’t easy but if you are willing not to give up then I will be here for you for as long as you want me to be. Please keep posting Peanut Feathers because there is a lot more to say and I love your username – as Lily says there is always someone listening.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Peanut Feathers

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hiya Logic
I realise now that when my CG was active I probably gave up listening for years before he sought recovery – I was always looking for the words to save him – so in retrospect I probably kept talking ‘at’ him.
He told me that when I came into the room, or he came home, he would make an excuse as to why he couldn’t talk at that time – he wanted to change or settle down for a minute which seemed understandable. However what he really wanted was time to get his addiction into gear and ready for anything I was going to say. Looking back he was right – I was always questioning – asking for a return of money or what had happened to such and such, or why hadn’t he answered his mobile, etc. etc.. For my part I would dread opening my mouth because I knew I was going to be bamboozled and I stood outside many doors counting to at least 10.
When he changed his life, the questions (and the past) were still unanswered but I was confronted with such a difference in my CG that I was frozen into silence in case I mucked up anything that might suggest a true recovery. However, I am above all things a female, so in the end I talked. I asked him to help me, to help me get it right. He told me not to worry because if I messed up he now had people to turn to who could support him the right way. I was disappointed and I told him that I really wanted to get things right but that I needed help to do so – I didn’t want him walking away and feeling he had to get support because of something I had said or done wrong. So he told me little bits to start with and I listened and this worked for us.
Your CG has been living a difficult double life for so long – most CGs don’t actually know when they started, so to unravel such a long experience takes time, even years. Pennies are still dropping years later which is why a true recovery is such an on-going joy. CGs are impatient but recovery requires patience. I believe that F&F are impatient too – we want the polished article but we have to wait and the wait can be frustrating.
I asked my CG why it took so long and he told me that in the rehab a seed had been planted and they had watered it and tended it until it had grown into a visible shoot ready to be re-planted in the world. A shoot takes time to grow and longer to bud and a bud takes time to flourish – every day it requires maintenance until a long time later (maybe months or years) it blossoms.
You are part of the maintenance Logic – ask him to tell you when to water, when to feed and when to hold back. You may well make mistakes; I made a massive one but was able to explain that I still hadn’t completely understood and by then he knew that I was trying.
The judgy questions are the same as weeds; they choke the growth, so chuck ‘em on the compost heap. Keep doing what you are doing because you are doing well – listen and when in doubt say nothing. If your CG is in a true recovery you will have your answers in time – but let the blossom come first.
Your CG wants to live a gamble-free life. Living a ‘normal’ life does not require praise so, in my opinion, be interested but not effusive. Encourage by saying ‘I didn’t know that’ when he tells you how he feels without demanding more than he is prepared to give at any one time. Maybe come here, or to a group, to talk about what he has said and any questions you might have, rather than questioning him.
If I haven’t helped then come back to me – a different way of saying something is often necessary – and I have my listening ears firmly in place.
I hope you do well with your second interview
V

[velvet]

It’s a package Bosslady – along with a true gamble-free life comes hope along with hope comes contentment, along with contentment comes less friction in the home and along with that comes a happier state in which to live gamble free. Everybody benefits and no more so than a CG who often struggles with unnecessary guilt. Nobody asks for or wants the addiction and it takes great courage to control it – if that courage and control is recognised by those who love them then there is every possibility of a good outcome. Equally, if there is no reaction and no change, a CG might well believe that he/she will be happier escaping into addiction.
I am so pleased that you and your children have noticed his changes and are reacting to them and enjoying them, it will make it easier for him to maintain his control.
He can’t undo the hurt of what has gone before – nobody can do that but you can all make today and all your tomorrows happier.
I took a long long time to trust and he never asked for it or for forgivingness. There came a time when I did forgive because I was ready. Trust is different – I trust that my CG will look after his life and that is all I can ask but then that is all we can ask of anybody isn’t it?
Great positive post – well done to all of you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Maverick
I have just caught up with your posts again and I was struck by Geordie’s reference to your wife knowing about the F&F section of this site.
Your wife has stuck with you through thick and thin but learning to support a CG who is working on living a gamble-free life is not the same as living with an active CG. F&F need to learn to support in the right way; to withhold enablement; to listen and not always be trying to save.
CGs need to be selfish during an early recovery and F&F need to be selfish too but in a different way. You feel you need to attend more groups but your wife doesn’t understand why – if she was doing things for herself that pleased her at the same time that you were attending groups – but more importantly if she understood why she had to do so, she could be your greatest support.
F&F are ignorant of what to do for the best Maverick – nobody signs up to be a CG or to live with a CG and the rules of engagement are confusing – and we all get it wrong. Just as I know now I did everything wrong for all the right reasons for 25 years, I know now I get it right for the right reasons, even if it means my listening ears are more effective than my ‘well-meaning’ talking.
You can do it Maverick – you have many years ahead of you – make them wonderful years for you and your family.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Lost and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lozdean
I hope you will start your own thread in ‘My Journal because I would love to follow it.
GMA is brilliant – they provide you with the tools to live a gamble-free life.
Personally I think that support is of great benefit, both for family members and CGs, when a loved one goes in to the GMA programme. Maybe you could point your mum towards this site; it is good for a parent to realise they are not alone and that they have nothing to blame themselves for, all her worries will be understood here. If she doesn’t wasn’t to write in the forum then I have a Friends and Family only group on Thursdays between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time, nothing said in the group appears on the forum. It would be great to welcome her.
Velvet

[velvet]

It was because my CG was waiting for me to mention the overwhelming pile of dirty clothes in the corner, as I had done for so many years before he changed his life that he had to learn to trust me. I admit I was waiting for something tangible from him, proof that he would not gamble again but I learned that a CG cannot give such a cast-iron agreement. It is nobody’s fault; it is the nature of addiction.
Like Lily I had a time apart from my CG and it helped me to clear a lot of the dirty clothes away so that when we eventually met again he could sense the pile, at the very least, was diminished. I appreciate that you are not in the same position as Lily and me – you are living together whilst trying to forge a new life and that is more difficult but it can and has been done many, many times that I know about.
You wonder if your husband is aware of how much he has changed you but I suggest he needs all his energy to keep himself in a good place and will not have time for such thoughts, CGs have to be on guard from their addiction 100% of the time in early recovery and worrying about someone else detracts from that which they have to do. It is selfish but it works. I think that one-to-one counselling may help you so that you can talk about the things you feel you cannot say to your husband because he isn’t ready to hear you yet. Hopefully in time you won’t feel the need for him to know how you felt because his new ‘normal’ will know without any words from you
I agree we can’t change the past and strange as it may seem I wouldn’t want to do so anymore. You love your husband so give him time to live gamble-free and give yourself time to clear the pile of dirty clothes away – the two things go hand in hand.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi BL
I went back through the years on the forum to when another member posted the following words which I know are about ‘forgiveness’ and don’t relate to ‘trust’ directly but I think help when we are confused in an early recovery.

• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

• Forgiveness isn’t easy.

I think most of us take a lot of our relationships for granted until something comes along and rocks the boat so please stop beating yourself up over being ‘normal’.
A new normal is understandable – I remember seeing my CG as a new man when he changed his life but I recognized that I was new to him too. The strangest thing was for me to realise he had to learn to trust me if we were going to have a successful relationship.
What is it that you feel you are doing to makes him feel he has to try so hard? Talk here about what you want to achieve but also what you have already achieved,
I don’t think it is uncommon for it to appear that a CG has left the past behind with little or no effort and for F&F to feel ‘what about me?’ I can assure you that he has not forgotten the wreckage caused by his addiction and everyday he will have to confirm that just for today he will not gamble; that is something we, as F&F, do not have to do; we can fully recover from living with the addiction but a CG is a CG for life and they can only control that addiction. I lived with the active addiction for 25 years and now I trust my CG to look after the gamble-free life he entered nearly 10 years ago. I work for GT so I use my past as a ‘reference only’ but I don’t dwell in that past, I have no need to remember the minutiae and I don’t spend my life thinking ‘what if’.

I find it hard to believe that you feel you cannot change anything when you think how much you wanted your husband to change and how far he has come.
I like this alternative to the Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
Keep posting – through sharing, our thoughts can unravel but by keeping them in they just get more knotted up.
Velvet

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