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Hello CC
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Dear BJ
As you so rightly said ‘every situation is entirely different’ and outcomes will always vary.
You made your decision having gained knowledge and for that I commend you, I am sure it wasn’t easy.
Unfortunately the addiction often brings undesirable and dangerous people into lives that were peaceful and naive and sometimes cutting and running is the right thing to do.
Having now put yourself first, give yourself time to enjoy just being ‘you’. I suspect from your posts that you are a wiser person for this experience and I believe in using all experiences, bad and good, to improve our lives.
We can only hope that your ex-fiancé will come to his senses sooner rather than later but he is not your responsibility and while he is still making poor choices he will probably drift on until his addiction hurts him enough.
So look forward and don’t keep wondering ‘what if’ or ‘if only’ these words only hold you back. There is no need to feel guilt or shame – you did your best but he wasn’t ready to listen.
I wish you well Blue Jaffa; that is a brilliant username
VelvetHi BJ
Well done making your stand with your parents, I know it can’t have been easy. .
Laying down rules is difficult with a CG – as is policing their movements when they are trying to change. If you lay down an ultimatum it is important that you have thought it through because the addiction can cause them to walk away when it is not the outcome you, or they, really wanted. What you think your fiancé should understand and what he does understand can be very different things.
I understand your fiancé’s sulk – if he wants to change it is so much easier without being threatened or ordered – the most important thing you can do for him is to listen rather than tell him what he should do. Having listened it is ok to gently ask questions whilst remembering that he does not think you can understand how he feels – maybe come here and talk through what you are hearing. The most important thing you can do for you is to live ‘your’ life to the full, doing the things that please you because your fiancé has not deliberately hurt you. In early recovery he has to be selfish and look after himself first so he will not immediately be the man you want him to be, or the man he wants to be.
Being a detective is not a lot of fun and it means that you are often spending 24 hours a day thinking about the addiction of another instead of living your own life. If he goes to GA, by all means check he has gone in but don’t go in with all guns blazing if he doesn’t. It takes great courage to walk through the door and it might take a few attempts before he actually makes it through. When he does, maybe you could wait until he is ready to talk about what he heard and then ask questions. GA is brilliant but not the answer for every CG,- there is no ‘one size fits all’ recovery and we can discuss other things he can do. CGs can be very quiet when they first talk openly to others about something so deep as their addiction.
I hope your family will support you and leave the handling of the way your life is with your fiancé up to you. If they want to support you further maybe they could ask our Helpline or join our forums. It is important that those who care about him speak with a united front.
Keep posting – I was hoping you would have popped into the group last night, maybe next time.
VelvetHello Milktrayman and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Tfrsos and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Justletmeripon
I have never met a CG who has managed to sustain a long term control of their addiction without support and support is what you will get here.
Abstinence is not recovery. In accepting your addiction and seeking support you have taken a giant leap towards a better future starting with today, the only day you need to worry about.
Having written your first post, you have an excellent point of reference to return to as the days progress but don’t dwell in the past because it doesn’t change a thing. Just for today remind yourself that gambling will bring you back to misery so just for today do not lay a bet.
The reason that you have been doing what you have been doing is because your addiction wants you for itself – it doesn’t want to share you with peace of mind. You can control it because if you couldn’t I would not be writing to you – agreed it is tough and takes courage and determination but the effort is worth the fight. Dig deep because the courage and determination is within you even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.
Keep posting – you are being heard, you will always be heard and you are not alone. You have told yourself a thousand times “Dude, stop. Why are you doing this? – well this time Dude you have made a start by doing things differently, you have shared and been understood. I will look forward to your posts and hearing you feeling less like you are now and more like the man you want to be. You can do it.
VelvetHi Logic
There is nothing weak about saying you are confused about a gambling addiction and you don’t know which way to turn.
Sometimes even the strongest have to get a kick-start to alter the course of their life but you have the possibility of a new job which will hopefully give you the impetus to make a good move that will be right for you. I can’t see any benefit in giving up your present job until you are sure you have the new one but hopefully you will get it and your way will seem clearer.
In my opinion, the vulnerable self-conscious side that you see is probably manipulative. With control of the addiction comes brutal honesty and it was then my CG told me that the tears were never for me and were only for himself. He wasn’t the life and soul of the party but he was loved and people did trust and like him – what I was trying to show you was that the active CG is very different to the one who controls his addiction and until that control is taken it is impossible to know what is true and what isn’t because a CG drastically changes reality to fit his/her personal perception.
I don’t think you are ignorant of the addiction, just the depths to which it can take you and while your job seems tortuous and your home seems annoying I believe you are probably vulnerable to someone that people take a shine to – but I am confident that you will be stronger because you are here and listening.
Speak again soon
VelvetHi PF
Please stop blaming yourself for being you and trying to do everything right. No amount of wishing changes the past; we can only change what we do today. I cannot imagine living with a CG and not having ever pleaded, screamed, threatened, tried to understand, felt shame, disappointment, guilt and anger. We are not saints Peanut, the addiction is manipulative and cruel, it changes lives and can ruin them if it is allowed to do so.
It is that last line ‘if it is allowed to do so’ that I think makes us continue to struggle or change into people who go forward and make something good out of something bad. You are blaming yourself for being human – but you never stood a chance. My CG told me that what I had said and done made no difference to what he did and that will be the same for you. You didn’t make him gamble, you didn’t make him walk away without a decent explanation and you didn’t destroy your marriage.
Your husband’s addiction is claiming you every time you think that you are to blame and it is so important that you rise about this unwarranted opinion. I can’t tell you whether to hang on just in case and I cannot tell you to give up and walk away but I can tell you that ‘you’ and your life are very important.
You didn’t make a mistake sending him the message that you did – your husband made the mistake of not replying. He has run away Peanut and that is his mistake, not yours.
I don’t usually write about it but my first husband walked out when my 3 children were very small, never to return. I felt guilt and looked for what I had done wrong because I couldn’t see why he had chosen the path that he had. Sometimes Peanut we try and do everything right but we don’t see that the person we thought we knew is no longer walking on the same road – they have gone off on another path in the belief that the grass is greener on the other side. I felt as you are feeling now for quite a long time but it didn’t help, I learned to live one day at a time and try and make it good. 2 years later I met and married the most wonderful man who adopted my children and gave us such a wonderful life and happiness beyond anything I had ever thought possible. I firmly believe that because I had been hurt so badly, happiness when it came was so much sweeter.
I know I didn’t cause my first husband to leave, I know I did everything a good wife should do – he just wanted something different.
Eat a little of the things you like best Peanut and eat when you feel like it. Just for today look after yourself and do something that you enjoy. Don’t let the addiction of another take away all you pleasures in life. Get close to family and friends and tell them that you don’t need to hear opinions on your husband but you just want support for you. Allow them to care for you and gradually the pain will recede, if it couldn’t be so I wouldn’t be here.
I didn’t find one scrap of your post irritating and I hope you will keep writing.
I hope the following gives you some support
YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.Look after yourself dear Peanut – you are special.
VelvetHi Logic
The F&F group is between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time / 8pm – 9pm British Summer Time. The best way to enter a group is to click on the Helpline and scroll down at 20.00 hours or 8pm and click F&F where it says ‘join’. The group can also be found under Support Groups but only the ‘F’ can be seen as another group is running at the same time and it is tricky clicking the ‘F’ – at least I think it is!!
I am glad that having read Vera’s post you have seen things from another extremely honest and relevant perspective because I have been struggling to see a good outcome for your relationship when I read your recent posts. You seem to accept that your CG has no intention of giving up his addiction but sometimes you seem happy to accept it. Does the indecisiveness come from reading posts like Lilly’s and mine where there was an eventual happy outcome because if so what you are missing is the days, months and years of pain that it took for us to get to where we are now.
CGs do make it look easy – if they didn’t and they were not charming people nobody would ever enable them. With their addiction they are often the life and soul of the party but take the addiction away and you can be left with a very quiet, introverted thinker. I knew a woman in Gamanon who wanted her husband to go back to his addiction because she found him boring without it!
You ‘know’ that your boyfriend is a CG but I think you are unaware how far down he and his addiction can pull you. I didn’t enable for 25 years because I was in a dream and I didn’t wear rose-tinted glasses, I hung on through ignorance first, then shame and finally fear and as it turned out I had every reason to fear.
It took a parting of the ways for my CG to spiral into a black and terrible abyss that eventually resulted in him at last ‘wanting’ to control his addiction. It took me a very, very long time and many Gamanon meetings to begin to get a half decent life together. I finally entered a course of study of the addiction to gamble to try to make sense of my experience. Having added knowledge to my experience I was able to join GT.
Take more care of yourself Logic, don’t let the new job be an excuse to let a negative situation drag on – this addiction has nothing good about it when it is active.
VelvetHi BF
It seems to me you have made your informed decision.
I wonder if any CG is ever accepted wholly by everybody and that the past is truly eradicated within a social group, which makes me doubt the mindset of those who cannot conceive of the idea that it could have happened to them.
Recently I offered myself in a voluntary capacity to a Meeting Point in my market town, to support CGs and their families, (there is no GA or Gamanon where I live). The woman I spoke to gasped and turning on her heel said ‘we don’t have those sort of people here’ – she strutted away to her shuttered world and I felt pity for her because she was clueless. I understand your resentment with your family but I hope you can vent on here rather than at them – they are ignorant and afraid and anger won’t do you or your fiancé any good. I do hope for a good outcome for you all but I imagine it is going to take a while for there to be any healing. Unasked for, unconstructive criticism tells us a great deal more about the person doing the criticising.
I agree that sneaking around and lying is not a good way to live and maybe you have to make your stand sooner rather than later. I will be here for you whenever you want to talk and maybe, just maybe your family could be persuaded to post on this site and ask what it is all about rather than going off at the deep-end without any thought for you and your feelings. Our Helpline is there for them and there is nothing they have not heard before.
You don’t have to tell me that your fiancé is fantastic outside of his addiction; I have known many CGs who have changed their lives and used the experience of their addiction to live a better life.
Speak soon
VelvetHi Logic
I hope your ‘me’ time is as good as it should be – with no thoughts of gambling hanging over you.
Your last post concerns me on a few levels, the main one being that when you are with your CG you doubt everything you are doing. It is important Logic that you make the decisions about your life, that you are in control of your life and that an addiction is not allowed to pull your strings in any shape or form.
His reading about the race at Chester seems to point to the fact there is no let up in his addiction, he is indulging it. Even when he is too ill to go and place his bets he is keeping his addiction alive in his mind. I don’t believe that what you want to hear is lip service and if this is what you are hearing then maybe it is time to stop listening to his addiction and listen to the one person who should have your interests at heart – you.
I think it would be good if you were to re-read your last post and imagine someone you care about saying to you that they are currently on a path where they will never have the things to make them happy in life.
If he was showing a glimmering of truly wanting to change then I would view your posts in a different light but it seems to me he is choosing to carry on gambling because that is what he really thinks makes him happy and that is not a good basis for a loving relationship.
Keep posting Logic and stay clear about what is right for you when you are with or without your CG.
VelvetHi Blue Jaffa
You certainly are in a quandary and I hope that by coming here you will find your way to make the decision that is right for you.
I imagine from what you say that your family were about to expose your fiancé for indiscretions, possibly even theft – but your fiancé is thwarting such exposure by coming clean to everyone he works with and that is a great step in the right direction – has he come clean with his family and friends?
When you speak of your family, are you talking about your parents only or are siblings and other relatives also not listening to what is important to you? Do you have any allies and/or friends that you can talk to and who are willing to listen without judging?
Your fiancé did what millions of others do – at one time he gambled for fun. What he didn’t know was that addiction was waiting for him and he was probably too far in before he realised he had a problem. I have played cards for pennies with friends, I have done the lottery, I have been to horse racing and dog racing but for reason unknown to me, I do not have an addiction to gamble, unlike the CG (compulsive gambler) in my life. There is nothing that CGs would like more than to place a bet and walk away whether they have won or lost.
It is so much harder for a CG to change their life when they do not have the right support. By ‘right support’ I mean someone who will not enable under any circumstances, who will not pay off gambling debts but most importantly someone who will listen rather than talk at the person with the problem.
I suspect that your near future will be fraught with difficulties – if you do as your family demands you lose your right to be happy with the man you love, if you go to the man you love you could lose your family.
It seems to me there is no easy way for you at the moment and I am hoping you can keep your family and your fiancé. I cannot tell you what to do BJ; I am of the opinion that if you can wait awhile with things as they are and let your fiancé continue with his determination to control his addiction, while you learn more about his addiction, you will both be able to demolish any unwarranted criticism. I suggest, in the meantime, you keep writing on here and hopefully pop in to the Friends and Family group on Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time where we can talk privately in real time. I suggest you stop trying to persuade your family that your fiancé is trying to change his life as it appears you are talking to a brick wall and that doesn’t help you or the man you love, the more anger you show at their inability to listen will probably only aggravate them into thinking you are not able to make a good choice.
I believe that statements of fact are better with those who are not prepared to listen rather than leaving the door open for them to give unwelcome and unasked for opinions.
In my opinion, it is important that your family see you being happy, if is important that your fiancé sees that you are happy. It’s not easy but if you are seen as being unhappy your fiancé will be blamed and he will feel guilty that you are suffering because of him.
Keep talking – you have done well writing your first post. I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and that wonderful lives can be lived as a result.
Velvet<
Hello Blue Jaffa
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi PF
Some CGs have to leave relationships in order to change their lives, some have to leave a place because the temptation to gamble in that place is too great and/or they are recognised as CGs – often it is difficult for the person who is left to know which is the right reason. My CG moved away in order to change his life – he needed to get away from the place that held all his gambling history and all the people who knew him as a CG. When he moved away to new surroundings that held no bad memories he was able to renew himself.
Of course I cannot ‘know’ whether or not your husband feels his life is better without you but I can easily believe that he is better because he is not living in Las Vegas.
Maybe you could text him to let him know you are ok and you wish him well so that he knows you care. If he is genuinely trying to control his addiction it would help him to know you have not been wrecked by his addiction and that he can talk to you even if it is not what you want to hear.
Keep posting PF and look after yourself
VelvetHi Red
Of course you will be putting your daughter’s 18th first but the thoughts of the group will be with you.
Saying ‘no’ is the hardest thing but if you follow it through and keep saying yes a CG will take you all the way down with him. Imagine you cannot give him any money because that is the way it would be in the end.
The most precious words I ever heard, having at last stood my ground and seen my CG accept his addiction was ‘thank you’ and that came only after I stopped enabling him thus allowing him the chance to hurt enough. It’s not what a mother expects to ever have to do and I am so sorry to hear you are going through this pain.
I hope you have a happy time with your daughter, enjoying time with her is important.
Speak soon
V
