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Hello Hammo and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Brian
I hail from the Friends and Family community on this site and I also attended Gamanon for a few years some time ago.
Like Vera I would imagine your wife is more aware than you think and possibly shares her concerns within her group already. Gamanon is a great place for her to deal with the way things have been for you in the last 5 years – as is our Friends and Family forum and group where she will be very welcome..
Anonymity works for many and I hope you will continue to post here as well as attending GA – use every support available.
I suspect you have begun to believe that you are getting away with gambling within your allowance and raiding the household kitty but the longer you put off completely controlling your addiction, I suspect, the more you will push it and the greater the distress will be when it all comes out – and it will..
Maybe you could tell you wife that your allowance is too great or ask for a daily allowance and give her receipts for what you have bought. Such acts show a willingness to change rather just rolling along hoping that things will be different if you do nothing.
My CG was not attending GA when I was in Gamanon but there were people there who knew that their spouses were still gambling but who believed that they had pulled the wool over their loved ones eyes. My CG was off spiralling into a black abyss of gambling while I was in Gamanon but I gained immense strength when I was there. Ultimately my CG went to the Gordon Moody Association rehab and changed his life around nearly 11 years ago – it is the reason I am on this site because I can say that I know that a gambling addiction can be controlled.
I wish you well
VelvetHi CC
I don’t need to know your son to know how much his saying ‘sorry’ meant.
People who snigger obviously have no comprehension of what it means to hear something good in the middle of confusion and distress and it is my belief they are often the ones with problems; how much nicer it is when people share your joy even when they don’t understand the significance of a little word. I am hoping that the 55 minute gap is significant too and that it was time spent considering his words and actions.
In my opinion it is not a good idea, however, to let him know how much the word ‘sorry’ meant to you – if he has a severe problem with gambling, or an addiction, finding words that can cause you to relax their guard is a useful tool for him when his gamble brain is triggered.
I don’t think he is, or will be, 100% sure that you will never stop living him if he continues with the life he has been leading. CGs feel unworthy and often can’t understand why anyone would love them. It is not something to worry about though – you know you love him and for now that is all that matters.
If he thinks about stealing as a way of getting money to gamble then the chances are that he will look to his home first so please make sure your finances are protected and any valuables that matter to you are not accessible to him.
Enjoy your baby step but hold it close to yourself and by all means give yourself a pat on the back for the way you are sticking to your position because you deserve it.
Keep posting
VelvetHi CC
It is that intelligence, confidence and sociability that will one day reappear because fundamentally that is who your son is – he is just obscured by his addiction. Sadly unless he is treated he will retreat further into his problem and you will see less of the son you knew but you are working hard and working well to make sure that doesn’t happen.
I was sorry you didn’t make the F&F group last night at there were only 2 mothers in it and you would have made a welcome third – I hope you make it next week.
Being in danger of being beaten up is a well-worn theme and of course it terrifies the person who hears the threat. It would be naive to suggest that a CG doesn’t sometimes get beaten – after all they borrow money and then gamble it away. However the usual people who get upset have been friends, work colleagues and extended family members who have never come across the addiction before and ‘lent’ money in the mistaken belief it would be returned, especially when the CG concerned is young. These people hopefully just learn from their mistake and never enable again while making a lot of angry, understandable and often very unpleasant noise.
Would your son consider communicating with our Helpline or going into a CG group – these groups are facilitated by dedicated therapists and/or CGs who control their addiction? On the Helpline we usually have someone called Harry who is very good with young CGs having been there himself. He is usually there between 9am and 5pm BST Monday to Friday but your son can always ask for him if he isn’t there. I think pointing your son towards those who will support him with understanding and without judgement is important. It was a chance remark by me many years ago when I mentioned the Gordon Moody Association that changed my CG’s life.
I hope you will tell your brother what you are learning here because his nephew is not deliberately hurting him and therefore his hurt is unnecessary and doesn’t help him or his nephew. CGs stay away from family occasions for the reason you have given – they see judgement everywhere and often they are right which is why the more people who understand and who unite together against your son’s addiction and not your son, the greater chance he has to change his life.
I think you are doing brilliantly even if you don’t think so and I hope you will keep posting.
VelvetHi Logic
Terrific, congratulations, you have earned a gold star and a new life beckons.
You can’t talk to a 6 year old about his father’s addiction but he has a mum that you say sounds great so I am sure she will protect him as he grows older – he cannot be your responsibility however much you feel he should be.
All your previous attempts to tell your CG about your new job have fallen on stony ground – an active CG will only worry about what is happening today and until you make your move for him nothing has or will change.
His gambling is more than part of his costume, sadly for the time being it is who he is and you are right you cannot protect him from himself.
I’m not sure how much he will listen to you now, he doesn’t process thought as you do. You want to make this change because he will not and I don’t see any reason in telling him anything other than the truth. If everybody in the life of a CG gives that person a let out – in other words if you say you are moving for a better job, more money to be near you parents etc., but you don’t tell him the truth, how will he ever learn that his addiction is losing him things that matter. Maybe this shake-up will help your CG make better choices in the future, we can only hope so – but you have made the choice that is right for you and in this forum that is a great outcome.
I hope you really love your new job Logic and it gives you the life you deserve. You have had an experience that can be used in your life for the good – I don’t believe in allowing bad experiences to embitter us or to go on hurting us when we have made the right changes for ourselves.
Wishing all the best
VelvetHi Boss Lady
You certainly seem to be on the right track and it stands to reason that early recovery is worrying so it is not surprising that you are questioning some of how you feel. In my opinion, it is important to be careful how you question your husband when you are worried, I put it to my CG that I would like help in knowing what to do and what to say say so that I got things right for him, rather than asking questions. It took a while but as he felt safer with me and recognised that I had made an effort with me too he gradually became the greatest help to me of all.
Being emotionally hurt for years does take its toll and you have to recover too. The great thing about your recovery is that it can reach a conclusion. Your husband will have to control his addiction for the rest of his life. This sounded horrendous for me when I first heard it but of course life settles down and the CG can relax and live a wonderful life. Unfortunately all around us there are things that you and I do not think about – for instance raffles, lotteries, eBay, all seemingly harmless but maybe not to a CG. The addiction is triggered by situations in life and once the addiction has been triggered it can be difficult to control.
Your husband is making all the right moves and you are starting your recovery so I wish you both well.
VelvetDear CC
Well ‘murderer’ was a bit strong wasn’t it? The words that are falling from his mouth are the best he can come up with to make you do whatever it is he wants and he is not succeeding – so well done you. I know how hard it is to hear such things but there are no expletives that have not been uttered by active CGs to those they love and each word strikes home until realisation dawns that it is an addiction spitting its venom, an addiction that knows only lies and threats and uses blaming others as its coping tool. I really hope you will make the group tomorrow evening between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time or 8-9 pm BST so that we can communicate in real time with only kind and supportive words.
I am glad your younger son is keeping you sane but of course it is not his job to protect you and I hope he is enjoying his life to the full; drama and media is a terrific way to work out the confusion that comes with growing-up and I wish him well – how old is he?. If he is a teenager then maybe you could tell him some of the things you are learning and importantly, I think, maybe suggest to him that he tries not to judge his eldest brother, who is not happy or tough, however much he tries to portray himself as such.
Your middle son seems to be just that – in the middle and possibly trying to play devil’s advocate but maybe he too should read the 20 questions on the Gamblers anonymous website and even if he thinks he is absolutely fine he is welcome to use this forum and our amazing Helpline if he wants to talk about just being in the middle of things that puzzle him. Anyone affected by the addiction to gamble is welcome on this site. I am so pleased he is determined to do well in his A levels but I think it would be good if he was to be aware that dabbling in weed lowers his resistance to dangers such as gambling addiction which, although an harmless pastime to so many, is a devastating addiction to those unfortunate enough to own it.
Your youngest son is the exact opposite to your eldest son because your eldest son has an addiction. With knowledge of his addiction you will learn to cope and be able to support him in the right way so that he can hopefully turn his life around sooner rather than later.
I had to smile when I read that your son said ‘one in the eye for your mum’ because it was such a typical young man’s reaction. Sadly he didn’t win at all because every time a CG thinks they have won it feeds the addiction and that to me is a loss. Hoping he is one up this time will tide him over for a short time but because of the way he is choosing to live his life he will know more disappointments than you will ever get one in the eye.
I know you are tired and I know you want it over and sadly because we don’t possess a crystal ball between us nobody can know when your eldest son will cry ‘enough’. What I do know is that the more he is enabled the longer his addiction will control him.
You are doing great saying ‘no’. Maybe you could tell him that you have sought support for yourself and that saying ‘no’ is the right thing to do – maybe he could blame someone called Velvet and contact out Helpline to complain about me – after all if he is so sure he knows what he is doing, what has he got to lose.
I might have said this before but it is always worth repeating – I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that your son could control his addiction and be the happy person you want him to be, a man that he and you can be proud of.
VelvetHi Gvalls
I can’t think of any other thread that has contained so many ways to say goodbye without actually saying ‘do it’, which this forum will not suggest because it has to be your decision – but surely you want more than this?
What is it that you want to hear from us?
I’m really not sure what else we can do to support you. We have so many families who are losing brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers and children because the addiction to gamble is in their lives and the least of their worries is the shape of the body of the CG.
It is entirely up to you methinks, whether you want to wait for her to tire of you but I know what I would do.
VelvetHi CC
Three sons losing their father in such a way would almost certainly leave them blaming themselves with each one thinking ‘how could my father leave ‘me’’. Rejection at any age is horrible and then gradually being dropped further must have hurt them terribly.
There are times in most people’s lives, I suspect, when matters spiral out of control and you were obviously devastated about being bullied in your last job. It seems to me your son might have felt he had let you down because he wasn’t able to stop his mother being hurt again and he may have felt he was possibly temporarily losing both parents.
However, you are now on the up, doing a new job that you like and able to stand back and look at the whys are wherefores of your son’s behaviour. You are standing against his demands for ‘his’ sake when it would be easier, probably, to give in so I know you are strong – well done.
There is a lot that your son most likely needs to process but he doesn’t know it yet – after all at 18 doesn’t everybody think they know it all – I know I did?
In my opinion, he is angry and kicking out and you are the nearest target.
I am convinced you are strong enough, just by reading your posts. Would I be right in thinking that with 3 young men in your home there is a lot of shouting, competition and even anger? I am not suggesting you are a little ray of sunshine in the middle of all this testosterone but I do hope that for a short time each day you give some thought to you, something that makes ‘you’ happy, so that you can appear in control to your sons rather than your eldest thinking he is in control. It isn’t easy but if it is a gambling addiction at the heart of your son’s problems then he will not be deliberately hurting you and neither is he, nor you, to blame for that addiction.
Once again I am leaving a post even though there are many thoughts whirling round in my head but please keep posting and never worry about asking for clarification or telling me that you think I am getting it wrong.
Please tell me more about your 2 younger sons – are they quieter, more respectful, how are they doing at school? Is your eldest son working? Do they all have friends and enjoy hobbies or is it just your eldest that likes football?
I look forward to hearing from you
VelvetHi justletmerip
I popped back over from the F&F forum, as I said I would hoping for a good update from you – any update in fact. I hope you are doing ok but whatever is happening you will he heard here and understood
Speak again soon
Velvet.Hi Jessie
The addiction to gamble thrives on secrecy so don’t be afraid to ask for support from family. Although I believe it is impossible for those who have not lived with the addiction to gamble to understand, those you love can give you support by listening and understanding when you feel low. Now you are asking for support in the right places you can gain all the knowledge you need but it helps to have a united front in a family against an addiction to gamble, for everybody’s sakes, including the CG.
When you are looking for a counsellor for yourself please make sure they have a good knowledge of the addiction to gamble – I went to a general counsellor and spend weeks barking up the wrong tree while she went into ‘my’ childhood – I came away more confused than ever! With Gamanon, as with dedicated counsellors and this site there is no such danger because everybody understands, so time and money are not wasted.
VelvetHi Jessie
How often we think we don’t belong because we don’t understand what it is that is hurting us. I remember entering a Gamanon meeting for the first time and being overwhelmed to find I was not alone and I hope that is what you will feel in this forum. Gamanon is the sister group of GA and it might be worth your while looking it up in your area – it is great to sit in a room where you are understood.
I would say you husband definitely has a problem with gambling and you are definitely not overreacting.
Maybe you could have a look at the 20 questions on the Gamblers anonymous website and possibly download them for him to find – handing them to him will probably only result in another argument. Many CGs (compuslvie gamblers) do not recognise they have a problem but the 20 questions might help him to realise he is not alone in what he is doing.
I think your husband is probably putting up a good front because being a gambler with a problem is not a happy experience. Constant losses cause feelings of failure which result in loss of confidence and self-esteem and that is tough on anybody. As long as he keeps the good front up though he can continue indulging his addiction without coming to terms with it and doing something about it.
It never seems to amount to much as advice but looking after yourself is the best thing you can do, not only for you but also for your husband. He is being ‘cared for’ by his addiction but you are the one watching and hurting. While he continues gambling he will not have the time and the energy for you, that you deserve, so please keep in touch with your friends and family and do things that please you and have nothing to do with gambling.
I suggest you protect your finances and if this means being secretive so be it. My CG told me he would have taken me all the way to the bottom ‘if I had allowed it’.
You mention arguments and being furious but these things only hurt you; so although the following is not a professionally recognized coping method it has proved an excellent way for many to cope
Imagine your husband’s addiction/problem as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you don’t threaten it, it stays quiet and listens.
When you threaten your husband’s addiction/problem, the beast leaps between you and manipulates the conversation causing arguments which give him the excuse to tell you that you are overreacting. Once the beast is between you, you will only hear his addiction/problem speaking and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. In turn, when you argue back, your husband will only hear his addiction’s distorted perception of your words. Never issue ultimatums that you do not mean or do not fully intend to carry out.
It is better to listen than to argue, so perhaps you could come here and write down what he has said. His addiction/problem will be confused with the lack of argument which is good for you. This might sound negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of his problem giving you time and energy to look after you.
Allowing a loved one to fail and fall is tough – falling with them is tougher because there is nobody in control. Your husband is convinced his addiction loves him and will come right for him in the end but CGs always lose because that is the nature of the beast.
Do you have good support in family and friends?
Keep posting and hopefully pop in to the F&F group on Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time.
Velvet<
Hello Jessie
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi CC
I read your post late last night and have been thinking about it ever since in the hope that I can give you a reply that will support you in the right way.
It is hard to know with mental health what comes first but as you say he has been suffering for at least as long as his gambling I think you are doing the right things addressing his gambling.
A lot, if not all, of what you describe is the experience I had and in my opinion CGs, counsellors and psychiatrists are not the people to approach unless they are recommended to you as dedicated addiction counsellors. CGs can blind side those without experience making those who love them appear fools. All the approaches that I made sent me off on the wrong tangents – they couldn’t hear what I was saying because they were too busy looking for the mental problem/fault in me. Going off in the wrong directions over and over again causes you to lose your self-esteem and confidence as surely as your son’s problems do and all the while the addiction within your son laughs because they have helped his cause.
I recognise your son’s lack of emotional attachment but I would not be writing you if I didn’t know that such a lack does not always means there is no attachment.
You seem to be shouldering this battle on your own, is your son’s father united with you?
You appear to have 3 sons and they appear to have differing relationships with each other. I have brought up my thread on ‘siblings’ which I hope will help you a little.
I didn’t find your post jumbled waffle. I am finding that my reply to you is somewhat jumbled and I hope that given time we will learn to understand each other.
I hear so much discord in your family which must be confusing you terribly and causing you to feel very alone, I hope you will feel less alone knowing that on this forum you are understood and that your experiences have been felt by others who have gone on to live successfully lives without the addiction to gamble controlling them.
Are you afraid of your son? Are his brothers afraid of him? What support do you have on the ground? Maybe you could try and find a Gamanon group in your area – it is wonderful to physically sit with others who understand you. It takes courage to walk through the door of a Gamanon meeting but for me it was my salvation.
I hope that you have protected your finances; I suspect you already know that the £2000 that was stolen is unlikely to ever be returned and it is a waste of your energy trying to retrieve it.
Your son is seeking to blame you because he doesn’t understand what is happening to him and he is not prepared to shoulder responsibility for his poor choices and bad behaviour. He didn’t ask for or want his gambling addiction anymore than you – but having said that, you do not own his addiction and you are therefore stronger than his addiction even if it doesn’t feel like it.
I hope your new job is giving your pleasure and offers a distraction from what your son is doing and saying – it is important that you keep ‘your’ head in a good place. If it was me I would not take my mobile to work with me – is this something you would consider?
The addiction to gamble is incredibly exhausting and I will send this post now and await your reply so that I can understand further the problems you are facing. I started my journey of recovery without a hope in the world so I know you can not only survive this but survive it well.
Well done on what must have been a really difficult first post.
Speak soon you are being heard
Velvet
