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Hi Again
I think (I am hoping) that the group starts at 2pm Texas time.
V

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Hi Darren
I hail from the F&F section of the site and have read your posts with interest, you are certainly doing well.
I remember being told – and I now say it to so many other F&F – it is never fair to leave cash or temptation around when a CG is in early recovery because when a CG tests him/herself they are not accepting their addiction.
Just a thought – it is great to hear you doing well and getting fit – a body and mind overhaul, great combination.
Take care
Velvet

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Hi Adele
It is puzzling trying to find the F&F group on Thursdays and the easiest way to do it is to click on ‘Helpline’ and then scroll down to ‘F&F group’ and click on ‘join’. It is there on the purple page under ‘Support Groups’ but only the ‘F’ is peeking out behind a ‘Drop in All’ and it is more difficult to hit the ‘F’. This has occurred because I changed my group from Tuesday to Thursday when a group was already running. I am hoping to run another F&F group soon and will post when that will be.
As for the time, we start bang-on 20.00 hours UK time until 21.00 hours or 8pm – 9pm BST.
Any more problems – just shout.
It has been really good to see 2 responses to my plea to update – hopefully others will follow because I am sure that the addiction to gamble has not disappeared causing all those who would have been affected by it not to seek support.
The person who gave me the most hope to carry on and look after ‘me’ was 15 years into her recovery so although it might feel to some, that those who are in recovery for a long time become remote from the pain, I believe more need to hear that if they keep walking forward and caring for themselves then they can live without the addition to gamble tearing them apart – and not only that they can support the CG they love in the right way. Just for the record the person who helped me see the light is now over 25 years into her recovery and so is her husband.
I will post Texas time later
Speak soon
V

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Dear Adele
I know it all sounds idyllic but I also know it only came about with pain and despair. I admit I was never 100% sure when you took to them there hills that you were going to find what is what you had lost but I did hear ‘your’ recovery was well under way and like you I believe it was that, more than anything else, that has given you both the chance to live your lives together in such harmony.
The only consternation I felt with your post was the golf balls flying about and hitting Bambi’s into the rough – I am sure you will be careful though and nurse the little deers until they are fit again.
We can only trust our loved ones to care for their recovery – but then what relationship can ask for more than to trust that the person one cares for will respect and look after your relationship and of course it works both ways.
Your post is so full of your relationship being successful because you put you first and I would love for every F&F member to read it because it always seems a little weak when I suggest that this is the way forward – after all ‘how can looking after me help my CG?’’ It works and you are living proof and I am so glad you are living the life – apart from swiping Bambi with a nine iron or a wedge.
I cannot consider the possibility that I might not have recovered – living with the addiction is not negotiable in my life now.
I think the barriers you have kept in place are right for the two of you and harm nobody.
Oh how I would love to ridge the scenic river valley with you on your Harley but I might have to get off and walk around the hairpin bends – I would have to talk to your pillion rider friend first!
Must go – dinner to prepare before my husband returns from walking the dog. Please post again sometime – posts from members who have moved on are sadly lacking in the current forum which is understandable as very few want to return when they have their recovery which is understandable.
Ride on Adele, ‘in dreams’ I will be with you – sung by my favourite of all time, Roy Orbison – I held his hand while he sang ‘Running Scared’ and he probably was – I was a mere 30 something teenager and he had to tug his hand away!
As Ever
V

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Dear Peanut Feathers
I believe I know why you are posting and I am glad that you are – you are definitely not the last one who needs support from this forum.
Your husband is almost definitely a CG and CGs do many things that are unaccountable and unfathomable to non-CGs. I don’t see any harm in remembering the good times and not the bad and I understand why you are focusing on his poor way to leave.
You are not pathetic and your words resound with me – you are lost and confused and that is how most non-CGs feel when the person they love appears to walk away from the support that was unconditionally offered.
You do have a CG in your life and you are married to him which includes vows to stick together through thick and thin, You want to keep those vows but for some inexplicable reason your husband doesn’t want to, either temporarily or permanently, who can tell?
When I say time helps, I am seldom talking about weeks or even months. My brother died suddenly in February and my sister-in-Law is still reeling and will continue to do so for a long time. On his birthday I took her out and we talked and laughed about anything but the fact that it was his birthday. She knew, just as I knew, that we were both thinking about him but there was nothing that would bring him back so we tried to enjoy the day as best we could. We were both remembering his birthday last year but next year the memory will lessen because time is a healer – if we allow it. Next year, hopefully, she will remember what we did together this year.
I think sending a message that appears to end a relationship is cowardly – it has left you with nothing to hang on to – but still you are remembering the good times and I commend you for that. I don’t find you free but I find you trapped by the selfishness of another which may or may not not be ascribed to his addiction.
It is amazing that a man would be ‘surprised’ by a message from his wife. I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I think I would send the shortest of messages to ask ‘ help me understand why you left when I love you and I am willing to fight for you and our marriage because not knowing ‘why’ is making it impossible for me to move on?’ Maybe he won’t respond, maybe his surprise will be so great he will be struck dumb, maybe he is just gutless and selfish, maybe he will tell you why he left. At the moment you don’t know.
Who can tell if there is anything that can be done or if reaching out here will make any difference – as Mahatma Gandi said ‘ you may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results.’
Whatever you decide to do Peanut, this forum is here for ‘you’. And you certainly don’t feel like a stranger to me.
Velvet

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Hi Zdravko
Of course you didn’t start online gambling thinking it would hurt your family, your friend or yourself – it seemed harmless and that is the way it is for all those caught out by the addiction to gamble.
You are not worse than your father; you are not your father, you are ‘you’ and you can stop gambling and live a wonderful life if you are determined to be free of the control of your addiction. Nobody can tell you it will be easy but I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t know and hadn’t seen CGs (compulsive gamblers) turn their lives around and be amazing.
You have temporarily lost your family but that is because you lost ‘you’ first. Join our groups and keep posting; you are not alone and you will be supported as you retake control of your life. When you find yourself again I would imagine your mother will be only too happy to support you – maybe she could join the F&F forum on this site and hear that there is a great deal of hope. Your mother was almost certainly in a great deal of pain when she heard that you were struggling with gambling, she probably felt she was to blame. She needs time to recover from hearing the things she hoped she would never hear just as you need time to recover ‘you’. The best way you can put the smile back on your mother’s face is to do what you are doing – seek support and do things differently today.
Don’t waste time wondering why and ‘if only’ because no amount of wishing will change what has gone. Just for today Zdravko do things that please you and do not involve gambling. You will get support about blocking your gambling sites and you will be heard by many who care.
Well done writing this first post
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Zdravko and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi TFRFOS
I normally write on the F&F forum but I was drawn to your thread when you said that you had spoken to your mum who was understandably angry and upset but is doing all she can to help you get through this. I am glad that she can’t help you financially because it wouldn’t help you and it would only rope her into your problem when she needs to keep control of her life.
What is she doing to help you and is she getting support for herself?
She has probably known that you have been unhappy without knowing the reason why and the reason why is because it is bewildering, not only to you but to her too. In the F&F forum and in the F&F group there is understanding and support for her which will help her support you in the best way possible.
You are right that there is no easy way out of this mess and gambling is the worst option to even attempt – as a CG you cannot win but only sink deeper.
You have done something positive by coming here and I believe that GA will support you further – it may be worth finding a group in your area. If they have a sister group called Gamanon it would be a haven for your mum to talk and find out that she too is not alone.
It is a positive attitude, support and time that gradually brings healing and I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that this can happen and you can live a wonderful gamble-free life.
I wish you and your mum well and I hope she will get the support that she needs so that she can support you in the best way possible.
Velvet

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Hi Micky
Forget what maybe you should have done years ago (which you cannot change) and enjoy what you are doing now.
Please take care of yourself when you use your money pot to treat yourself. Achieving goals in money and time can feel like reaching a peak – don’t let the empty money pot look like a trough – living gamble-free is the greatest treat of all and it doesn’t empty the kitty,
Velvet

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Dear CC
The group is indeed on tomorrow night and I look forward to ‘seeing’ you there.
Even though you have received unhelpful advice it is probably well meant – people can’t be expected to understand. It sounds as though the person who offered you an escape key might be the support on the ground that you could do with. I think if you can find a Gamanon in your area that would help you too.
When an addiction is in full spate it is indeed a terrible noise and the words can be frightening and disturbing. Your son’s addiction is throwing everything at you to make you budge and no matter what your response is, you will be understood here.
Delete the texts, every time you read them they will only bring you pain.
No matter what has happened CC, bring it to the group tomorrow evening and let it all out, safe in the knowledge that nobody is judging your son or misunderstanding you.
You can always contact our Helpline during the day – I know you will get a lot of support there.
Thinking about you
Velvet

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Dear Adele
How wonderful to read that you and your husband are not only together but having fun and living a nice life. I often think that members feel that even if they survive the addiction it will always be hanging over them and nothing will ever be the same again – I remember you worrying about trust.
Now you know the truth of recovery and I am so very pleased that you do. It has been said by CGs who have controlled their addiction and I know it is true of F&F that given time, understanding, knowledge, courage, determination (and I believe a big wodge of humour) that life can be better for having had the addiction in it – but oh how impossibly difficult such a thought is at the beginning when one is still in the eye of the storm.
Turning a dreadful experience into a spring-board for a better life is not always possible of course but F&F can fully recover from living with the addiction and that is what you have done. The icing on your cake is that your husband has changed his life too and that is in no small measure down to you. Who could ever forget the image of you on a Harley Davidson Screamin’ Eagle Softail Deuce blowing the cobwebs away? I am delighted to say I was out on a beautiful Harley Davidson the other day although sadly only on the pillion but it was magic – my friend who gave me the ride resembles Kenny Rogers so in my heart I was singing ‘Lets Go Down in a blaze of Glory’ – wonderful. We are soon to have 500 of them riding through a village close by and I will be there breathing in the atmosphere and dreaming wonderful dreams.
I am still taking one thing at a time and doing it – my latest is to become a league table-tennis player and even though I am the bottom of the lowest division I know there is only one way I can go – yes home – no not really, I fully intend to move up next season.
Thank you for caring about my loss – it was my brother and it was tough but his funeral was an amazing celebration of laughter, with memories of days on motor-bikes and steam trains. He enjoyed his life.
I cannot thank you enough for popping back because your post will give hope to those who need it. It is hard work walking back to life (or in your case riding a motor-bike) but ultimately the healing comes if we allow it and that is what you have done.
So dear Adele I must sign off, I have a dog waiting to have her ball thrown. I hate to say this but I am still not sure I would know Adele, (the singer version) if I fell over her in the street but you can’t expect everything!!.
Look after yourself and your very special husband keep blowing the cobwebs away and have a ball
As Ever
Velvet

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Hi Maverick
I’m glad you like yourself a little bit because it gives you something to build on. Maybe your new mantra should be – just for today I will not gamble and just for today i will like myself a little more – the two things go hand in hand methinks.
Recognising that you are a work in progress is important – all seeds take time to grow and blossom but what joy they bring when they do,
You can do it Maverick – I wouldn’t bother to write another word on this site if I didn’t know it and hadn’t seen it.
Velvet

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Hiya CC
It is the little day to day amounts that cause the problem. I remember other members who paid a few pounds here or there without thinking how they added up and of course people seldom bother asking for receipts for small accounts – ideal for a CG. Refusing requests for small amounts would probably shock many people but on this forum you get a round of applause.
Don’t let it break your heart that you can’t trust him – we can only ever trust anybody to try and live decently and one day your son will again.
If he is telling you anything then the channels of communication are open and that is the key to the future. He will concoct stories and some more farcical than others but his gambling has found in the past that these deceits have kept you at bay – sadly they can get worse. If you are sure it is an untruth then it is ok to say ‘I don’t want to hear this or that story’ and then to do something positive (like the dusting –ugh!) while changing the subject. One of the problems is that because a CG tells so many lies their memories become fuzzy and the lies they have told become their truth. I think it is a very exhausting way to live and many CG’s get weary with the confusion that their own behaviour creates.
In the meantime keep going as you are – the fact that you called the police rather than making a threat and then not carrying it out carries a lot of weight and I cannot help but admire the way you are handling this.
Don’t waste your time wishing you had known things years ago – I could have 25 years worth of regret if I allowed myself to go down that path – what has gone has gone and cannot be undone. Use it for reference only and live in today because today you are doing great.
Speak soon
Velvet

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Hi Somni
It is so difficult when it is a parent that is not giving good guidance leaving children confused, not knowing where to go and struggling with shame.
We have a terrific member called Twilight and I am hoping she will pick up on your post soon – she is the adult daughter of a CG who was affected all her life by his gambling and denial of his gambling..
In the meantime – you are right not to give her money as she will almost certainly gamble with it or pay gambling debts both of which enables her addiction/problem to grow.
Your main thrust of concern appears to be that your sisters do not have a safe place to talk – they are feeling they cannot share their worries with other family members due to shame and embarrassment. The addiction to gamble thrives on secrecy – your mother ‘needs’ your sisters to keep her secret and yours sisters ‘need’ to talk. Is there an adult member of your family whom you could talk to on their behalf? Does your mother have siblings and would one of them be approachable?
Unfortunately the distortions she has created might have been believed by other family members but often/usually in my experience a lot more people are aware of the real problem (or at least a problem) than you think and they are possibly feeling much as you and your sisters are – if they don’t mention it then maybe it will go away because mentioning it opens a whole new can of worms.
Your mother’s denial of her problem isn’t helping her and is damaging her daughters – how old are your sisters? Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions and send them to her; you will find them on their website and let her see that you are seeking support even if she will not.
Your sisters would of course be welcome here and in the Friends and Family group which is private – they will be safe and nothing said in the group appears on the forums.
Keep posting Somni – you are understood here and I will do everything I can to support you.
Velvet

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<

Hello Somni

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Author]

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