Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hello Rainman and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Clo
An active CG (compulsive gambler) will use any excuse not to seek help when they are protecting their addiction and they are afraid of taking responsibility.
When you say that days are a little better now, do you mean that he has abstained from gambling? Unfortunately abstention on its own is not enough to control an addiction. Your bf has possibly been dry gambling. This is where he gambles without money – he makes mind bets. If he bets on sports, for instance, he could check out the odds and then watch the game and make a mental wager. Unfortunately such behaviour only keeps the mind in gamble-mode and that is not control.
This site is free for him to use – we have an excellent Helpline, CG only groups run by facilitators and the forum, ‘My Journal’, where he can receive support from others who are fighting their addiction or who have controlled it.
Unfortunately you cannot force a CG to change; you cannot save him from himself, only he can do that.
I think you were great refusing to enable him but his subsequent behaviour strongly implies he has been keeping his addiction alive as I have written above.
Maybe you could download the ’20-questions’ from the Gamblers Anonymous website and leave it for him to find. I suggest leaving it rather than giving it to him because he will probably react badly. Many CGs think that they are alone with their problem so the 20-questions may bring home the amount of damage he is causing himself and his family.
It is so important that you look after yourself at this time because the addiction to gamble can drag you down with it. You are not to blame for his addiction and you have a son who depends on you keeping fit and happy.
I hope you will write again soon and hopefully join the Friends and Family group on Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time or 8-9pm BST.
I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result but standing up to addiction isn’t easy, so please keep posting.
VelvetHi Mal
As your CG has made the decision to call time on your relationship whilst blaming you it is difficult to know what to suggest apart from allowing her the space to go and do what she has threatened to do when hopefully she will come to realise that her addiction is the problem and not her family.
Your scenario mirrors my own experience – my CG walked away, blaming me and saying he was going to go and prove himself and prove to me that he wasn’t a CG and could make it without me.
Your CG’s mother’s terminal condition will almost certainly be having a reaction in her gambling distorted mind and is possibly the reason that she is being so extreme in her behaviour. She probably/possibly feels she has disappointed her mother, CGs have very low self-esteem because of the constant feelings of failure that comes with constantly losing. It is not uncommon that gambling increases at times of stress such as this.
You sound a great dad and I am sure you are helping your daughter understand that her mother is not deliberately hurting her or you however much it seems that she must be aware.
The verbal attacks telling you that money is all you care about is her way of deflecting her problem. If you are to blame then she doesn’t need to accept responsibility – I would imagine that in the not too distant future she will come to rue walking away but sadly her reaction will probably be to blame you further and possibly gamble in a more extreme way – either way I suspect she will be heading for a fall.
Does she have an occupation that pays well or is she expecting you to fund her ‘setting herself up’?
I think the same applies to CGs as it does to non-CGs when it comes to threats. It is important that non-CGs do not make threats they do not intend to carry through or cannot carry through. I would imagine your CG is having a knee- jerk reaction possibly to her mother illness or hearing you will no longer enable – either way it does not seem to be a well-thought out plan on her part. I cannot tell you what to do but if she walks away, I hope you won’t feel you have to agree to things you do not agree with to get her to change her mine.
I hope all this makes sense and I hope you will keep posting.
I wish you and your daughter well. If she wants to join the F&F group on Thursday or start her own thread on the forum she will be more than welcome although I suspect you are doing an excellent job of keeping her in the picture.
VelvetHi Mal
You must have been reading a different post to the one I read. I read a post written by someone in despair and more worryingly written by someone who had given up not just on the person he loved but himself too, which creates the perfect atmosphere in which an addiction can grow.
You are both going through pain but it is so important that you deal with your pain first because in a weakened state you cannot support her as she needs to be supported if she wants to live a gamble-free life..
Stick with the forum and please join the F&F group.
I will reply more fully later but I just wanted you to know I am listening and I understand what you are saying.
Velvet
You may never know what results come from you actions but if you do nothing there will be no results – Mahatma Gandi<
Hello
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Logic
Well done on handling your notice in – isn’t it strange that sometimes the things we dread the most turn out to be nothing to worry about?
With regard to the name calling and poor treatment; I am not sure why you are still allowing yourself to be in a position where this CG can behave so badly towards you. Telling him that you miss him, when he is offering you so little, seems to me to be an invitation that you are still open for enablement if he plays his cards right. He even appears to have excited your mind enough to wonder why he posted a video to his sister in a group chat when I would have thought that he posted the video, in the way that he did, to obtain just the very reaction you had.
If you were living with your CG I know it would be hard to make the break – every move can be watched and every action mulled over but with the distance you have surely it is possible to avoid all the poor behaviour of his addiction? Do you intend to stay in communication with his sister when you have made your break? I am sure she would understand if you told her that you are very sorry but that you will be unable to continue due to her brother’s ability to manipulate you with a supposed innocent group communication.
I am concerned that by continuing to allow him to manipulate you up until the last minute, your are allowing yourself to carry the stress with you that you say you want to leave behind especially when you can cut one of the big stresses in your life out now.
The only way for you to win is not to play the game Logic – look after yourself.
VelvetHi Mal
It probably isn’t that you are too soft; I would imagine you are kind and maybe a little naive about how to handle the situation you found yourself in, which is understandable.
You say you split about 12 years ago but obviously you got back together again and I wondered why. Did your partner accept she has a serious problem? Did she seek support? Did she change? Did ‘you’ do something different? Under what conditions did you resume your relationship?
I see that you have been following the forum for some time so I think you have probably come across the fact that threatening someone with an addiction and then not carrying it through 100%, will give their addiction the green light to carry on because a CG will probably c o u n t on nothing changing, which is, after all, just another gamble.
I cannot tell you what to do because a large part of healing comes from individuals making their own decision on their own lives, preferable having gained knowledge and understanding – which you are doing.
However, I am glad that you have removed your partner from your a c c o u n t and I would recommend that you keep a closer eye on it and all your possessions because an active CGs, looking for funds, can often find money in ways that non-CGs would consider impossible.
Your partner cannot trust herself, so I don’t understand why it hurts you to know you cannot trust her – this addiction will not go away without treatment and her addiction is not the fault of either of you.
I would imagine that unless your partner gets treatment and good support it will become even more difficult for you to care for her but only you can answer the question of whether or not it is worth your while loving her.
I see nothing wrong with being sensitive. Even though I experienced living with the addiction to gamble for far too many years I know I always was and always will be sensitive. Saving myself didn’t make me hard but it did give back control of my own life – I was no longer the puppet of someone else’s addiction.
I too can see that whichever course you take now there will be more pain but you are aware of what is causing that pain and you can make an informed choice.
Keep posting and maybe tell you partner about this site and/or GA.
I wish you well
VelvetHi Paul
What a terrific, positive post.
I know the programme is tough but it works provided those who enter it are determined and you sure sound like you are on your way to a gamble-free life.
My CG went through the programme about 11 years ago and I didn’t know what to expect from him when he had completed the project – I was terrified of upsetting something I felt was so fragile. I asked him to help me so that I didn’t make mistakes and he did.
I think that when you use those building blocks there are things put into place that were never there before so the finished project is better than anybody could imagine. I hope you will keep posting, keep making the right choices and recognise complacency for what it is – a beguiling temptress who will only bring you misery.
I too thank GMA every day of my life
I wish you well with the rest of your journey and look forward to hearing your progress.
VelvetHi Olegna
nI am a facilitator for Friends and Family on this site and as such speak to wives, girlfriends, mothers, daughters of CGs who are either still actively gambling or are seeking to control their addiction or who have controlled their addiction.
nGoing to GA just for you was the right thing to do trying to control the addiction to gamble requires a selfishness of thought and personal determination so well done on your perseverance.
nFriends and Family often try to establish what triggered the addiction in the first place and usually believe that in some way they are to blame. It might be that your wife believes that your parents are in some way to blame and/or maybe they have said something untoward to her about you. It happens.
nA long time ago I saw a counsellor who spent the whole session barking up the wrong tree, trying to convince me that the problem in my life was me she had no comprehension of compulsive gambling. I had unhelpful experiences with doctors and a psychiatrist, although the main support there was to tell me to throw my CG out of my life. It wasnt until I went to Gamanon, which is the sister group to GA, that at last I found out that I was not alone. There were no counsellors in the room but from that moment on my life changed.
nSo although I am not in the same shoes as you, I have certainly walked a long way in your wifes shoes and I would love to welcome her into our F&F group on Thursdays 20.00-21.00 hours UK time / 89pm BST. The forum is also there for her if she wants to communicate before then or at any other time. Our Helpline is open for her too.
nI dont have a magic wand or a crystal ball so I cannot guarantee you the outcome you desire but I firmly believe that sharing with people who have shared the experience of living with the addiction to gamble is brilliant for those who love CGs.
nI wish you well and hope to welcome your wife should she want to talk to people who understand her.
nVelvet
nHi Coklat
Your English is just fine and everything you have written is understood – well done.
Keeping a journal is an excellent way for you to kick start your gamble-free life – it means you can look back in the future and see how far you have come.
How did you get on with your financial planning? Do you have anybody who can handle your finances for you?.
The weekend is often quiet on the forums but I hope you will soon receive more replies from others who are walking on the same road as you – it is easier to change one’s life when one has support.
If it wasn’t possible to stop gambling i wouldn’t be writing to you so keep posting and sharing your journey to recovery
I hope you will use our groups and get to know you are not alone.
VelvetHello Coklat and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Logic
Try and find something good in each day – maybe you could find peace with a walk in a park or garden. I sat on a bench at the bottom of my garden today and a robin landed beside me, he cocked his head on one side and his wing brushed my leg – it was magical. I went out and bought some maggots for him and when I returned he did too and he enjoyed his meal within an inch of my hand. I forgot the world and lost myself in the beauty of nature.
Maybe you could get a new hobby or have a spa session – anything to brighten your mood and make the stresses go away.
You might not be able to change your job yet and move away but there is no reason to be stuck in the mud.
Certainly if you factor in to your low mood a relationship with an active CG who is in denial then you are not going to get out of the mud – sometimes the only way forward is to pull ourselves up by your bootlaces and change the one person you can change and that is you.
Use your time to look after you, don’t waste 5 weeks with regret – they are a drop in the ocean compared to your life.
VelvetHello PL and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Logic
You have the ability to change ‘today’ and not let it be the same old, same old – the power to change lies in your hands.
The games wont cease until you call it a day or he seeks to change his life which you are sure is not going to happen for some time yet.
I cannot tell you what to do but it is highly probable that as long as you are available then he has hope of enablement – unwittingly you are allowing him to stay buoyant rather than allowing him to sink to the point where he has had enough.
No matter how hard you try it will never be enough because you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved and the only person getting hurt by all this is you.
Why wait for the great future – reach out and grab it now. What is stopping you?
Velvet
