[velvet]

Hi Snow White
I’m sorry if my post led you to believe that asking an active CG about their gambling would get anything other than lies and suspicion. Asking for honesty will always be a waste of breath until your girlfriend is ready to go give it..
What I believe is the best way forward is to do the things that please ‘you’ and to talk to her about what you are doing and the things you enjoy and possibly asking her to join you in non-gambling pursuits – in fact to talk about anything but gambling. When you have sufficient knowledge of her addiction it will be easier to understand what she saying because listening is more important than talking.
If you love your girlfriend then I suggest you keep posting and learning about an addiction that she neither asked for nor wanted. At some point in her life she would have gambled (as most people occasionally do) but she would not, could not, have know that for her addiction was waiting.. Nobody wants the addiction to gamble, it destroys the confidence and esteem of those who own it – your girlfriend would probably like nothing more than to gamble and then walk away but she cannot – that is the nature of what she is living with.
I suspect she will always lie to you as long as you are questioning her – if she wants help you will know and then it is important to listen.
Your girlfriend will need to have great courage to accept her addiction and then support from those who love her is fantastic for her. Enjoy non-gambling things with her, show her by example that there are so many good things in life to enjoy by living ‘your’ life and letting her share the good times.
V elvet

[velvet]

Hi Braze
I am glad that you have written your post – living with an active compulsive gambler is very confusing if you are always hoping that things will change but believing deep down they will not.
Your post is peppered with lines such as ‘ I don’t want to stay with someone that I can’t have a happy future with’, ‘feeling anger and hate towards him’, ‘made me look stupid and made me feel anger towards him’ – what you don’t say is whether or not you love him. I’m not asking you to tell me the answer to that but living with a CG (compulsive gambler) is such a roller-coaster experience, until they face reality and change, that I am wondering if you care for him enough to support him towards changing his life.
I am hoping that you keep posting and perhaps join our Friends and Family group on Thursday between 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time or 8-9pm BT because there is support for CGs if they want it and I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that a CG can change his/her life and live wonderful gamble-free lives.
I cannot tell you what to do but if I wasn’t sure about renting a house with someone, for whatever reason, I wouldn’t do it – until I was sure. I would want the decision to be mine based on knowledge and understanding.
Everything that you have written is understood and I hope that when you read your own words again you will see what it is that ‘you’ really want out of your relationship and life because ‘you’ matter.
I don’t know what your final outcome will be, unfortunately we are not blessed with a crystal ball but as I said earlier if you intend going on with your relationship I hope you will keep posting and gaining knowledge of the addiction to gamble so that you can make the informed decision that is right for you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Maverick
Supportive posts are welcome anywhere and none of us knows when perhaps something we say rings a bell that brings about a little change in someone else’s life. Thank you for your words in F&F.
Far too many people are unhappy with the job they have and work to just pay the bills but that is only part of a life – unfortunately the unhappiness can spill over and make the non-work part feel not so good.
You seem to be visualising the whole picture as a big mess with no answers. When life gets like that Lee it is best just to take one small part, work on that and hopefully get it right. Achieving something, however small is good for the soul. I suggest you give your wife some of your time and make it good, not just for her but for you too. Perhaps sit her down and make her a cup of tea and just talk about anything but work or gambling. Remember why you fell for her in the first place because that girl is still there.
42 days gamble-free is certainly not part a mid-life crisis, it is you doing something different and although it isn’t easy, you are achieving something special. Being 40 is great (I wish I was) – you have so much life ahead of you and enough experience behind you to make a real success of the things that matter to you. ‘You’ matter Lee and your wife and children.
Keep posting, you might be feeling muddled but taking one small step at a time will help to ease the muddle. Your message in F&F wasn’t muddled – it was loud and clear, thankyou.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Snow White
Living with a CG (compulsive gambler) in one’s life tends to make one behave like a detective when it is behaviour that one doesn’t like in oneself. It is natural and in my view, sensible. I am pleased to tell you though that the detective persona does go away once you have removed yourself from the addiction.
Your partner may have been telling the truth, as she saw it, at the beginning but small gambling problems have a tendency to lead to greater problems unless they are addressed.
When you say that she knows you are against gambling, I am wondering how strong the terms were that you used to put this message across. If you want her to be straight with you, bearing in mind she doesn’t want you to know whatever you say, it is important that she trusts that you will not use the information against her. She will be vulnerable and she will certainly have low self-esteem which comes from constantly losing,
What doesn’t work with a CG is threats or arguments because they are the masters of such and will use them as an excuse (reason) to gamble. There is a strong possibility she will think “You don’t understand me (trust me), so what have I got to lose – why should I listen to you?”
Back to your question – ‘how do you bring up the subject?’ This is difficult based on all of the above. If she is a CG then you will almost definitely hear lies and possibly she will blame you. You could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions of their website and leave them around for her to find so that she knows you are concerned. You could tell her that you have sought help because you are worried and that you have been told that problem gambling can be controlled. You could say nothing but try and occupy her in hobbies that are not damaging.

The most important thing that, in my opinion, you should do is look after ‘you’ because her addiction will take you down with it if you allow it to do so. You can’t save her but you can support her ‘if’ she wants to change her life.
The ability to gamble thrives on secrecy to obtain enablement. As you don’t live together I am hoping that your finances are completely separate to protect yourself.
I wish you both well and look forward to hearing from you again
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jane
On Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – 8-9pm BST click on the ‘Helpline’ at the top and scroll down – the group is normally near the bottom of the list. Click on ‘Join’ and you will be in.
It doesn’t show until exactly 8pm.
If you try and come in using the ‘Support Group’ at the top it is hard to see the group because it is tucked behind another group and only the ‘F’ is showing. If you click on the F you will be in but the ‘Helpline’ access is easier.
I look forward to ‘seeing’ you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Victoria
I understand everything you have written and I think you have done well to write so bravely in this first post.
The problem you are finding is common and what happens next can be determined by you.
I also felt that my CG had been given all the answers whereas I had received none of the information that could help me cope with all my concerns and with the new man who had been through the programme
I went to Gam-anon and listened to others whose spouses/partners/brothers/sons had changed their lives around with GA. Some did not like the new man and one even wanted to put the clock back to him gambling again, because she found the gamble-free man boring, which I admit I didn’t understand. A lot struggled with understanding but then there were those who had not only survived but were living wonderful lives with their loved ones.
The best thing I did was ask my CG to help me to get it right. I didn’t want to mess up whatever it was that he had been given that could turn him from being a gambler with no moral fibre into someone with empathy and honesty.
Your partner wants a clean slate but this does not mean he is living without regret – he knows he has wrecked lives but he cannot change the past. I know it is hard for you but you do not own his addiction and therefore you are stronger than he is at the moment. He is coming to terms with all he has heard and it sounds as though he is determined to live gamble-free – and maybe he feels he will do that regardless of any outside influence.
I understand your resentment and it is really hard but in the end it comes down to what ‘you’ want. Your partner was away for 14 weeks, did you see friends and do things that pleased you; did you enjoy living without gambling affecting every minute of your day; did you, did you do things that you had stopped doing because of his addiction? In other words did you change at all?
It is even more important now in the early days, when your partner has to use every bit of his strength to control his addiction, that you do the things that make you happy. Yes he has to be selfish but then it is ok for you to be selfish too.
One of the hardest things for me was the realisation that it was incredibly hard for my CG to trust me. If you were anything like me you would have found yourself constantly watching and waiting for the next bombshell, there would have been arguments and threats, both of which achieved nothing. Your partner has done something different to change his life and he is trying to succeed but if he feels you are carrying resentment (which I accept is natural) he will probably feel he is going it alone.
It was months before my CG told me anything that had happened on the programme and it came in dribs and drabs over a long period. In the meantime I began to relax with him and to show him that I had also made an effort and that I was prepared to support his recovery in the best way that I could.
I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived – often better perhaps for having to find the courage to face such a terrible addiction. Was it hard – yes? Did I c o u nt to 10 many times – Yes? Am I glad I stuck it out – 100% yes?
With regard to the daughters that you have between you I have brought up my thread entitled ‘Siblings’ which I hope will help. The children of CGs do not have the voices to explain their confusion or the ability to change a thing. They watch, listen and make uninformed judgments and can get things very wrong.
You haven’t said how long it is since your partner completed the programme which might help me to understand where he is coming from at the moment.
If you are starting to think you are wasting your time then it is perhaps possible that you are giving him negative thoughts about how you feel about your relationship.
I will leave this post here and await your reply.
Velvet

[velvet]

for Victoria

[velvet]

Hi Victoria
This is a quick reply to tell you I have heard and understood every word of your post. You deserve a considered reply and although I have started to outline a post to you i have to go out but I will reply to you asap.
Suffice it to say you are not alone in the feelings you are experiencing but there is lots to say. and lots of hope.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Victoria and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Justanothergambler and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Paul
The half way house is there for a reason but you can manage perfectly well with the tools you have been given to live a wonderful gamble-free life.
I suggest that you keep posting and using the groups including the ex-resident’s group so that you can talk to others who are in your position for as long as you want to do so.
Full-time employment is not to be sneezed at and it is up to you now to keep control of your addiction and enjoy the fruits of your labour.
Your post is positive and great to read but beware complacency – I look forward to seeing you go from strength to strength.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi 3raser
Try and not see Day one as a day that sucks but more a day that heralds a new beginning with greater understanding.
If it was easy to control an addiction to gamble, this site would not exist and if there was a ‘cure’ you would have heard it all over the media. However with no ‘cure’ in sight the only way forward is ‘one day at a time’.
You actually could not afford to lose £50 because the act of gambling and not the money was the stimulus your brain needed to get into action again.
Keep posting and next time you feel a trigger use this thread and your experience to do something different. 5p or £5000 it makes no difference – it is gambling and not money that will always cause you to lose something more precious than money – ‘you’.
Look after ‘you’ and there will not be a need for another Day 1.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Rich and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Millsy
I cannot support you as you deserve to be supported on someone else’s thread so please start your own. If you look at the bottom of the Friends and Family forum page you will see a purple box entitled ‘New Topic’ – click on it, give yourself a title and write your post in the box. Click on ‘Save’ and your individual thread will be open.
You are not alone Millsy and you deserve unique support that relates to your specific problem.
If you read this before the Friends and Family group tonight, i hope you will join us between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time or 8-pm BST. You will be very welcome.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Logic
Two things stand out for me in your latest posts and both are written as a result of you gaining experience and using it.
The first is “ i cant expect CG to just say “yeah okay now youve said that im done with this” and the other is “my biggest hindrance is myself”
Recovery doesn’t happen overnight, either for the CG who has indulged an addiction for years or for the non-CG who has been flummoxed by an addiction for years and spent too much time trying to change it.
Nobody can ask for more than small steps although I found that with practice the steps do get longer and easier.
Recognising that you have been even the ‘smallest hindrance to yourself’ is a self-awareness that is priceless. I think everyone I knew (including me) when they entered Gam-anon believed that they did not have a problem and struggled against the 7th step of the recovery programme ‘Humbly ask God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings.’
Learning about ourselves and taking the experiences we have had and putting them to good use hopefully protects us from making the same mistakes again because if we don’t we go round in ever decreasing circles.
Your new job sounds great and with your new awareness i am sure you will be brilliant. I cannot tell you what to do but I do believe it is good to allow yourself time before you enter another relationship. Take the time to look after you and give yourself the chance to find out what you really want out of life because second best will not do.
Wishing you well
Velvet

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