[velvet]

Hi Caribbean Blue
It is not just disappointing when you don’t get responses – I found the greater the lack of support I got the more I felt it was me that was the problem instead of being able to deal with what was actually happening in my life, so I am really glad you found this site.
I thoroughly recommend Gam-Anon but if you go for a counsellor make sure they are dedicated to addiction counselling especially gambling.
When you say you are unsure how to talk to your husband it is probably because you are concerned about his reaction – there are things you don’t want to happen such as an argument or a twisting of truth. What is happening with your husband is that he doesn’t know what you are going to say and he may use excuses like ‘I’m tired/can I at least get my coat off before you start/let me wake up first/you are worrying about nothing’ – what he is doing (if this happens) is giving his gambling brain time to ready itself in case he feels threatened.
It is not recognized professionally but the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope with communicating with an active CG.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you don’t threaten the beast it will stay in the corner. When it feels threatened by, for instance, you pleading with him to stop gambling and tell the truth, the beast will leap between you and from that moment on you are talking to the beast and your husband can’t hear you
It is important never to forget that you are not controlled by an addiction unless you allow it. The gambling addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not – and nor do you want to be,
Your husband’s addiction is one that breeds feelings of failure – he will always lose when he indulges his addiction and this will demolish his self-esteem and confidence. With feelings of worthlessness he has to fight back with the only tools his addiction knows, lies and confusion. . Blaming you and demoralising you is his addiction talking..
In my opinion, listening is more important than talking to a CG. When you listen you stay out of the argument that the addiction has created to make you to feel less in control, thus allowing you time to make the right decisions for both of you.

I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which hopefully will help you to see how your husband’s ups and downs can be the means of causing your mood to be changeable too. I hope it helps.
Keep posting and I will keep trying to help you cope with this difficult situation.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Briana
Here you are indeed and here I am listening and ready to support you.
Your thread title gives more away than your post and so my first question has to be why are you questioning your own sanity?
We don’t give ‘advice’ Briana; I cannot tell you what to do because recognising whether your sanity is being threatened by another is something only you know at the moment. I know that the compulsion to gamble causes many/most loved ones to question their sanity but I also know that if the compulsion to gamble was removed there would be no question.
When we question our sanity I think we have often got to the point of not knowing who we are anymore, not recognising what we have become. Such feelings rock our confidence and demolish our self-esteem – hence the words often seen here are words of encouragement to love oneself and put oneself first. When one is flattened by the addiction of another then self-recovery is paramount.
I don’t know if it helps but I wouldn’t be here writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
It would be great if you joined the F&F group tomorrow evening –Thursday between 20.00 -21.00 hours UK time but in the meantime I hope you will flesh out your concerns on the forum and give me a little more to stimulate my little grey cells – for instance who do you know who gambles?
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Briana

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Caribbean Blue
Well done starting your thread, you are already handling the situation well but it is good to talk and share with others; I know only too well how lonely the long haul feels.
Your husband’s denial comes from not understanding how difficult it is to control his problem. He thinks he can control it one day, on his own, in his own time, without realising that it gets worse, never better, unless treated.
I often feel relieved when a loved one says that they ‘can’t do the financial loss anymore’ because it implies the situation seems impossible so something must change – but there is also a strength of purpose behind the words. It wasn’t until I had no more money left to squander that I finally stopped enabling my CG’s addiction allowing him the space to fall until he had had enough and changed his life.
The ironic thing is that when it comes down to basics, it is not money that is the problem for the CG, it is the actual gamble; it is the gamble that fills their minds and changes their character and of course that is harder to control.
Waiting for change can seem and often is, interminable and I fully understand why your anger spills out – you would have to be a saint not to feel angry however much you know it is going straight over his head.
I suggest that you download the Gambler’s Anonymous 20-questions and leave them for him to find, hopefully he will read them, even if he screws them up and throws them away. They can help a CG realise that they have a recognised problem for which there is a lot of support nowadays but also hopefully it will help him realise that ‘you’ need support too.
It is a common misconception among CGs (compulsive gamblers) that the pain and the feelings of being misunderstood are all theirs. Your husband has off-loaded on to you the fact that he feels he has a problem but it is ‘you’ that he has designated as his saviour. I know though that you have already been feeling pain for quite a while and this has not eased that pain. He has unburdened himself at a cost to you by making ‘you’ responsible for his recovery.
In my opinion, I believe it is good that a CG knows that their loved ones have sought support for themselves, thus saying ‘I have to take this seriously for me – even if you are not’. I wouldn’t say ‘even if you are not’ to an active CG because it is antagonistic but hopefully the underlying intent is clear.
I will leave it there for now CB but I hope you will post again soon. Keep writing your thoughts; it is excellent therapy for you.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Caribbean Blue

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi TG
I look forward to the time when you regain that special part of you and sleep in the king size bed. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know you can control your addiction. It takes courage and determination but I have seen it many times.
Never give up and keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lorraine
It’s been ages since I met you in a group but I have never forgotten getting to ‘know’ you a lot better by listening to you – you taught me to understand more then you can imagine.
So I am offering you an ear that is listening and I have carefully noted all the things that don’t help – whenever I am down those sentiments don’t help me either.
I do hope that in the near future your last few words will change from ‘Nothing changed lol ,one day i might’ – to ‘nothing changed but I will’ and better still ‘I have’. Positive thinking when you are embattled and feeling alone can help you rise above unnecessary feeling of guilt and restore self esteem. I’m sorry if that verges on the words that don’t help, its just that my experience has been that when I have felt alone in the middle of chaos it is only positive thinking that got me through in the end.
I know that cyber space cannot give you what you want but you do have cyber friends here and I hope you will post more so that they can support you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello The Gold and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Reeder and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Kstep
I have just caught up with your posts and all your words resonate with me – I heard them many years ago when the CG in my life went into the GMA programme.
Hang on to that sense of direction – the path is signposted well and there is support for you all the way.
I like the sound of what you are doing at the moment – keeping the basics going, getting up, getting ready and taking one day at a time.
I will be following your progress and wishing you well all the way.
Your future is in your hands, this is your moment, your chance, take it and soak up everything on offer. I know it works if you embrace it fully or I wouldn’t be here writing to you.
Great positive posts – well done
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Logic
CGs use manipulation and charm to gain their enablement. Drink is not a reason or excuse for physical violence.
In my opinion you are definitely walking towards a better future.
V

[velvet]

And one more quick post Mr Ex
You asked about writing on other threads. It is up to you how much you post but this thread is for you to write as much as you wish.
However, the site works because of interaction, the more people who tell you the same thing in different ways, the more we tend to listen.
I know I don’t always practice what I preach (and in fact what I know I am supposed to do) – but keep replies short or you can lose the interest of the reader. Eyes become glazed and a gentle snoozing sound can be heard. A reply is great for anybody to receive even if it is just to say you understand. Some you will feel more pre-disposed to write a longer post and that is fine.
You can hardly be expected to keep up – I often lose track. It is also important not to become obsessed with writing here. Work on your recovery and write if and when you feel you want to do so. Do not drain your energy, you need it.
V

[velvet]

Hello to you again Mr Ex
I knew the point your mother would have to leave but I knew that if she wanted to take you to the door she should – it is a long lonely trip for her to go home though!
The Gordon Houses are brilliant – I’m sorry your mum can’t see them. They are in a row with a communal area and all the residents will be at different stages. Leaving my CG there was really tough – I promised him I would phone as soon as I got home but I was blinded by some watery stuff that seemed to come out of my eyes and I got lost. A 4 hour journey became 5. I pulled in at a service station at one point to phone him and say I was home so he didn’t worry but I realised that although it was for the right reason I would have been lying to him and there were to be no more lies. By the time I got home the GH line was closed so I had to wait until the morning. A breezy voice told me he was fine.
I called once every week in the morning but I was only ever told that he had been seen that morning and was ok. When my CG did the programme it lasted 9 months and I know it is different now so a lot of what happened to me will be different. I believe there is still a period of settling down and determining if a person is listening and is on the GMA project for the right reason – back then that period was 3 weeks. After 3 weeks I heard nothing and panicked but during my weekly call I was told he had been seen and was fine so I was left to assume he was fully on the programme. I didn’t actually speak to my CG for 6 months and even then it was with a support worker beside him. I understand now that GMA do not know the extent of the backing the residents have from those who love them or to what amount they have contributed towards the problems that are being addressed – they need, therefore, to give their undivided attention to the resident without any bias. I would add here that my CG did blame me for long time after he went in to the programme and I would have been devastated if I had heard that. I understand from him that it was his choice that he didn’t make any contact because he was afraid of my reaction – he was not to know the amount of work I had put in to understanding his addiction and ‘me’.
I hope your mum will use the forum but if she doesn’t want the public forum then the group on Thursday evenings is completely private. The Helpline is one-to-one and they know all about the project so she can call there between 9am and 5pm, hopefully prepared perhaps just to hear you are still there and fine. I was told at one time he was smiling and that was a bonus!!
I think very few people like the unknown and the unknown for you is probably quite frightening. I hope you will know from everything I have ever written that I don’t put the icing on the cake unless it is truly deserved. GMA is the most amazing project and it can change your life if you want it enough. There ‘may’ be moments of boredom but what is a few moments of boredom compared to a lifetime in control of the thing that will tear you apart. When i look back at the 9 months my CG was in rehab it is a drop in the ocean compared to the life he has had since even though it seemed horrendously long at the time.
Many, many residents who have gone through the programme do not return to this site because they are leading the lives they hoped for which sadly leaves a dearth of experience for you to draw on but I hope that knowing that there are such people, many, many of them, will support you at this time.
When in doubts ask questions – you are being heard
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Logic
If only we were all blessed with hindsight we would never get in predicaments again that we regretted afterwards.
However, always look for the positive side of sad experiences, maybe your hand has been forced but finally the blinkers are off and that is so often the turning point. After 25 years it wasn’t me that walked away, it was my CG because I could no longer enable him – and yet I write to others all the time that controlling their own lives is the right way forward – oh yes precious hindsight!
It doesn’t matter what we are told Logic we have to make our own mistakes – it’s why I cannot ever say if you do this or that then this or that will happen.
Don’t be disappointed with yourself, be proud of the fact that you have planned a future for yourself and this has not cast you back into limbo.
I can see an enormous step forward – now is the time to listen to Logic and don’t look back.
Well done
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Frankie
Along with your other responses I have to add that I too took my CG back because I loved him, because I thought I could save him when no other could, that the problems would intimately end by him realising what he was doing.
It didn’t work for me Frankie, I went 23 years taking him back, unwittingly enabling him because I didn’t know anything about an addiction to gamble and even when I was eventually told after 23 years I didn’t believe it. The last 8 years took me to a place I wouldn’t wish on anybody but finally after 25 years he was gone. This was followed by him spiraling horrifically deeper into his addiction, until he could take no more and went into rehab.
Frankie I understand what you are doing but I don’t want you to spend the next 25 years in this pain and sadly it isn’t going to change as long as you allow him to manipulate you. Your partner isn’t doing it deliberately, he has an addiction – but you don’t have one – you are stronger than he is but his addiction will weaken you as long as you allow him to control your life.
My CG eventually changed his life around away from me and finally we have a relationship of trust. Within that trust he told me that as long as I had enabled him he couldn’t find the courage to face his demons – he didn’t have the ability to change himself without treatment.
He would never have stopped Frankie as long as I fed his addiction.
Sadly your partner’s addiction is winning at the moment so next time you want to throw him out think very carefully how much you can stand by your words.
I cannot tell you what to do Frankie because you have to control your own life but I believe you will be wasting your breath asking for your money back and the same goes for his mother. He is an active gambler, there never will be any money for him to spare because any money he has is for gambling not for caring about you or your child.
It is a sad fact Frankie that your partner would probably do very well without you – he would probably find another enabler, another place to sleep, another person to feed him. You say you can’t be without him and I understand that but what you need to do without is his addiction.
Keep posting. Nobody is judging you – we can’t. I did everything wrong for all the right reasons for 25 years. I can’t go back and change what happened to me but you have your life and your child’s life ahead of you. Keep getting knowledge of his addiction because knowledge is power.
I have brought up my thread ‘The F&F cycle’ for you to help you see what is happening and what will continue to happen until you decide to live in the centre of your own life and not on the edge of his.
I wish you well Frankie – you are really understood here
Velvet

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