Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Chalsteve
I have brought up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which I hope will show you that the hamster wheel you and your son are on is something that is understood by many. Those who love CGs do have rock bottoms and they are usually very painful – often it becomes essential that they get themselves out of the cycle first.
Your son’s rock bottom, when it comes, will not be a visible thing, it is a mental state for him and only a true change of behaviour will give you the peace you are hoping for.
I know the pain of seeing other families seemingly enjoying perfect relationships and I am not decrying them but I have found, since I fought my own way into my own recovery, that many more families have problems than I had thought. Do your mates know you have a CG son? It probably feels foreign to tell friends about a problem in your family but I think it is good to just say the words out loud without asking for opinions. Support can come from them just knowing. I have had friends confide in me that they had concerns too simply because I said I had a CG in my family.
I wish I could agree that your son ’has’ to find a new job and that he ‘has’ to make an effort in expectation of a good outcome any time soon. It is far better, I believe, to understand that what you feel he has to do is not what he feels he has to do. In recovery my CG told me that when I said I ‘needed’ him to stop lying and start living an honest and decent life it was ‘my’ need I was talking about, not his – his need was to gamble.
I think you are right to set your criteria and make the commitment to yourself that you will not be brought down by his addiction. Never give ultimatums that you cannot carry through or he will not see the point of facing a demon he doesn’t want to face. Don’t give up, keep gaining knowledge of this awful addiction and learn to live your life without his addiction filling your every thought.
I suggest that your son is afraid of GMA because he doesn’t know how to deal with himself and the way he feels, the addiction to gamble stunts emotional maturity. A CG who seeks recovery sees a void because the gamble is the only thing, in their gamble-brain, worth ‘living’ for. Your son’s compulsive gambling has nothing to do with money, it is all about the gamble, a gamble you and I know he cannot win. It is not his fault, just like you, he neither asked for nor wanted his addiction.
I would like to say to you ‘don’t envy your mates laughing with their adult sons but I know how you feel – your son would almost certainly love to be like them too but he cannot see his way out yet. You are temporarily ploughing a different furrow from you mates – in my opinion it is good to let them know.
Keep communication open with your son (I hope I don’t sound patronising because I assure you I am not) but listening to him is more important than talking to him. He will be lonely, unhappy and afraid. Never forget that you are stronger than his addiction however much you feel you are not.
Keep posting
VelvetHi Fed Up
I am sorry you have not been responded to quicker, Unfortunately I have had a problem and I am not replying as quickly as would like to do.
It would be great if you could join the F&F group this evening between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time as I guarantee I will be there to welcome you.
If you don’t make it, I will reply properly to you soon but circumstances have rather thrown me at the moment.
Velvet<
Hello Fed Up
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
HI Chalsteve
It would be great to talk to you in real time this evening between 20.00-21.00 UK time.
Unfortunately I have had a bit of an accident and am not doing well in my responses but I will be there this evening to welcome you if you so wish.
VelvetHI Chalsteve
this will have to be very quick but I wanted you to know that not only have you been heard you have been understood 100%. I will write to you asap but I want time to consider all you have said so that I can give you the response you and your wife deserve.
What I will say is that I wouldn’t be here writing to you now if I didn’t know that your son can control his gambling and live a decent life.
Don’t argue with each other, it helps his addiction when you do. We all make mistakes when dealing with this in our lives and it is easy to think someone else has got it wrong. Understand that the other one is also dealing with the same problem but in a different way.
Coming here I hope will give you the knowledge you need to stand united.
Velvet<
Hello Chalsteve
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Mark and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Northerner
Never make ultimatums like ‘if he goes back then he’s on his own’ unless you mean it 100%. Challenging a CG is challenging his addiction and his addiction will always look for weaknesses on the part of others. If an ultimatum is not kept then the CG will believe that he/she can ‘get away with it’ over and over.
Conditions rarely work unless the CG asks for them.
I hope the following will help you understand what is happening when you talk to your son, although not recognised professionally it has been a coping mechanism for many of us and I know it works.
Imagine your son’s addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. Every time you speak to him, his addiction is awake, poised and ready to jump – but as long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay in the corner, growling quietly – but never forget, it is always there and listening.
The good news is that although your son is controlled by his addiction, you are not; you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead. When you threaten his addiction with conditions, it will leap between you and control the conversation, probably turning it into an argument. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor do you want, or need, to be. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will not hear your son, you will only hear his addiction – and because it knows only lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. In turn, when you speak to your son, his addiction is distorting your words, drastically altering reality to fit his personal perception – he will not be able to comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained this to me. The addiction to gamble is an addiction of constant failure and misery so your son really believes he is completely worthless. Because he truly believes he is no good, you must be lying when you tell him you love him, or that his life would be better if he stopped gambling because why would you love someone so worthless? Believing himself to be without worth your son will fight back with distortion and deception because sadly, at the moment, he doesn’t have or know any other coping mechanism.
In my opinion, you could be wasting valuable energy trying to believe that this time your son will be different. I believe it would be good, although really difficult, to try and ‘not’ believe him at the moment because in doing so you will become receptive. Stand back a bit and listen to what he is saying – hopefully it will become easier to stay out of an argument that I has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side, the addiction has something to get its teeth into.I know this all sounds quite negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to look after yourself first and that by doing so, you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with this addiction. One of the best ways to win is not to play the gameVelvet
Hi Northerner
The biggest positive, that I can think to give you, is to tell you that I wouldn’t be here writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and that your son can have a gamble-free future.
I really hope to get the opportunity to talk to you in the privacy of a group because the situation you have described is sadly common to many of those who love a CG. You are not to blame for your son’s problem and nor is he, he neither wanted nor asked for a problem with his gambling.
Your son’s feelings of depression and worthlessness are common; his addiction is one where failure figures in everything he does – a CG (compulsive gambler) cannot walk away from a gamble until, often, everything is lost.
Worriedmama is right that it is important to gain as much knowledge as you can because the reaction of those who are trying to care for a CG is often counterproductive – too much time can be wasted doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons.
You say you are unsure how to help if/when his plans fail and although I cannot tell you what to do because it is ‘your’ life I can tell you that giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic.
It is common for parents to feel they have only ‘rubbed along’ with their offspring, growing up is a difficult process and you could not have known that your son was seeking escape in gambling – it is not something you could have expected.
I suggest that when you talk to him you show enthusiasm about any positives in his life, the good thing that happened at work or the funny thing he maybe heard on the television – allow him to bring up his worries when ‘he’ is ready but be prepared to be firm. When ‘he’ mentions his financial problems maybe you could tell him that you have sought help for yourself and that you have been told that ‘his’ plan to hand his finances over to you is something that is recommended.
I will end here and write again soon but in the meantime when your son gives you an opening to talk about his problem you could tell him that if he wishes to talk anonymously to someone about his problem then our Helpline is brilliant. He will not be judged but treated with respect and the greatest understanding.
Keep posting, you are doing well and I think that looking for a Gamanon group, as Worriedmama has suggested, is great. Grab every support you can for yourself because knowledge will give you power over his addiction and help you to realise that you are stronger than his addiction.
Velvet
