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Hi Zero
I won’t wish you luck because it is you and your determination that will carry you forward, not luck.
I will, however, watch your progress and I will be cheering you on from the sidelines as you begin your healthy, positive, gamble-free life.
If I didn’t know you can do this I wouldn’t be writing to you now
Well done
Keep posting
VelvetHello Zero no Hero and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Angie
I would imagine that you are wondering if you ever knew who you were married to. I understand you must be feeling hurt, confused and even frightened so I am so pleased you have started a thread to help you cope – and cope you will.
Leave behind any hurt you have about your family not telling you that they knew your husband had a problem because the addiction to gamble is divisive; it is better for your family to unite now. We have many posts that ask ‘should I tell?’ and they get mixed replies. I believe it is better to tell ‘but’ and it is a big but – I have been dealing with the addiction to gamble for a long time and so I have tons of hindsight.
The addiction to gamble starts as a bit of fun, a leisure activity and a short lived escape from reality without any thought that addiction could be a consequence; your husband does not want his addiction in his life anymore than you do. Your husband was almost certainly completely sucked in to his problem when he realised he was unable to control his gambling, by which time he had stolen and lied to cover for his behaviour. He has probably spun so many lies by then that the lines between truth and dishonesty have become blurred.
A CG (compulsive gambler) who steals to feed an addiction will not steal when he has controlled his addiction. A thief who becomes a CG will probably still be a thief when he has controlled his addiction.
It takes great courage to face an addiction and greater courage to do something about it but I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that your husband can control his addiction and be the man he wants to be. It might well be that he doesn’t know where to begin to change his life and he is probably afraid to try. Maybe you could direct him to GA meetings in your locality or encourage him to communicate with our Helpline which is anonymous and one-to-one.
I appreciate your feeling of anger but anger will not help your husband, neither will threats or pleading.
A long time ago another member posted this about forgiveness and I have quoted it many times since
• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour. • Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened. • Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust. • Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation. • Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour. • Forgiveness isn’t easy.
Give yourself time and forget forgiveness and trust for now – they can come later and I know this to be true.
Nothing you have written surprises me but equally I have heard so may others, with similar stories, who have gone on to have wonderful lives.
Please keep posting, you cannot make your husband stop gambling but you can support him in his desire to live a gamble-free life. Maybe you could do things with him that please you both and which do not include gambling; allow him to see that life can be good again if he determines to take steps to seek his recovery.
Speak soon
Velvet
Hi Amina
It does take time to recognise a gambling problem because the person with the problem wants it kept secret through misplaced shame and/or fear of being found out.
I understand your feelings of loneliness and I wonder if you can do something about that even if you cannot control your husband’s addiction. It is so easy to become embroiled in the addiction of another and allow your mind to be always wandering towards what the CG (compulsive gambler) is doing – where is he, when is he coming home and why is he doing this?
When your mind is consumed by someone else’s problem you are not living the life you deserve and in turn you can lose who ‘you’ really are. Enjoying friends, hobbies interests that do not involve your husband’s addiction will help to remind you of who you are and help to build a resistance to an addiction for which you are not responsible.
Your husband probably gambled a long time ago, (as so many others do every day without a problem) but sadly for him addiction was the consequence of that bet and he probably has no idea how to control it.
I know it is hard but questioning an active CG about their activities is a waste of time because the usual coping mechanism of a CG is to blame others for their problem or to lie. They blame others because if they did not then they would have to take responsibility for their behaviour and that means facing a demon they do not understand.
In all probability Amina your husband is unhappy, he is hooked into something that is destroying him and he is blindly pursuing his addiction believing that one day he will control it. Some CG do not want to stop and many profess they know what they are doing but most will be unhappy that they cannot gamble responsibly.
I cannot tell you what to do because all decisions must be yours but maybe you could tell him that you are seeking help because ‘you’ are unhappy; maybe you could ask him to help you to understand rather than questioning him. I am not suggesting you are questioning or blaming him but I know from experience it is hard to do or say anything right when faced with an active addiction.
Remember that now you have approached this forum, you are not alone and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you – just keep posting and hopefully things will be clearer.
Velvet
Hello Onmyway and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Kirin
You talked a lot about what you ‘could have done’ which was also my thought when I first started on my road to recovery. What I say now is, that I will never do ‘what ifs’ or ‘if onlys’ because I didn’t do whatever and no amount of wishing makes a scrap of difference – yesterday is gone. I think those who love active CGs spend far too much time thinking about what they have done wrong and about opportunities to change things.
I lived with an active gambling addiction in my life for 25 years and I hadn’t got a clue what a gambling addiction was for 23 of those years. It is not possible to know what difference knowing earlier would have made so there is no point in beating oneself up over ‘yesterday’. Once you have gained knowledge you can make better choices.
By all means use the past for reference but don’t waste time wishing you could change it because you can’t. Neither of us can alter the experience that has gone but we can change what we do and think today.
I know what it feels like to wake up and have your mind flooded by the problems that addiction causes but worry changes nothing; all my plans and efforts to stop my CG wrecking his life did nothing except wear me out and cause me untold misery. I suggest, that you take an hour or two every day in which you deny thoughts of the addiction to enter your mind – see friends, indulge in hobbies and interests, walk in the park, read a book – anything that gives you pleasure and stops you thinking about your mother’s addiction. It works because you give your mind a rest while you build up experiences that are yours to treasure, creating healthier dreams for your future.
I can already hear that you are solid and able to be the rock for your family but if the addiction to gamble is in the forefront of your mine every waking hour then you will weaken. I fully appreciate the way your father feels – would he like to contact our Helpline or join this forum? I suspect he has not understood his wife’s addiction and has, therefore, unwittingly enabled her to indulge it. I would imagine that he was not as surprised as you thought he would be with regard to the sale of the house – he has almost certainly lived with disappointment for most of his marriage. It doesn’t matter what age he is Kirin he is quite capable of living a better life and I believe better living come from knowledge.
To live a gamble free life it will be important for your mother to accept responsibility for her behaviour and its consequences but every time her gambling debts are wiped out she will see it as the opportunity to gamble further. Many CG have to be allowed to hurt themselves enough to make them want to change but enablement will always keep them in the cycle.
Keep posting, you are doing well
VelvetHello Amina
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Angie
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Optimism and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Kirin
I have read and re-read your post a number of times and I cannot see why you feel that you are partly responsible for your mother’s addiction. By wrongly assuming that you are partly to blame, I suspect that you feel you are the one responsible for saving her but if this is so then you would be incorrect.
The only person you can save is yourself and I think it would be really good if you could start by saving yourself from ever taking any blame for the addiction of another, even if it is only partly.
I think that your mother is lucky to have you for a son who is willing to look her addiction in the eye but I am concerned that you think you can do this for her because you will be facing disappointment, frustrations, anger if you believe you can make her stop gambling.
Your mother is possibly ashamed of her behaviour but sadly not ashamed enough, yet, to do anything about it. I find it interesting that she says that Children shouldn’t speak about adult things,” and “You don’t understand it this isn’t your area of study,” The addiction to gamble stunts emotional maturity, so it is likely that you are the more mature person in your relationship, also because you are gaining experience in her addiction, when she is not doing nothing, you will understand her behaviour better than she does.
It seems to me that it would be advisable for you to approach a lawyer or your mother will be responsible for losing far more than the house. Is your father still alive and trying to cope?
Your mother’s addiction does not want to have a conversation with you that could result in her accepting her addiction and her poor behaviour. I liken her addiction to having a beast in the corner of the room that stays quiet as long as it doesn’t feel threatened. When you push past it, the addiction gets agitated and angry and starts muddying the topic, going on the offensive to put blame on those who care which in your mother’s case this is ‘you’.
I mistakenly believed many years ago that the CG in my life didn’t want to see me suffering by the ordeal – he was able to tell me, once he had controlled his addiction, that the only thing that had concerned him, when he was actively gambling, was his next bet. He didn’t mean to hurt me but I was not the most important factor in his life, the important factor in his life was his need to gamble.
I think for you to come to grips with your sad situation it will be necessary for you to put yourself first, to live the life that you deserve, the life your mother gave you 20 years ago.
The addiction to gamble will take those who love them all the way down to the bottom if they ‘allow’ it to happen. This is not what your mother wants to do but she is blinkered by addiction and needs treatment to learn control it.
Maybe you could download the 20-questions from the Gamblers Anonymous web site and give them to her. Maybe she thinks that her addiction is unique to her and that nobody can understand her – hopefully the 20-question will help her realise she is far from alone but that there is good support for her ‘if she wants it ’I’m sorry to say that if she doesn’t want it, and many compulsive gamblers choose not to take it, there is nothing you can do – apart from save you.
I take it that the house she is in danger of losing is your family home and that you and your siblings are watching your inheritance being thrown away on a senseless addiction. If this is so, I suggest that a lawyer is the right way forward to protect you.
I am going to leave it there Kirin and await your reply but be assured that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and your mother can change her life if she wants to do so enough – if it was not so I would not be writing to you.
VelvetHi Kirin
I have posted our customary welcome message to you so that you know you have been heard and understood.
I like to give a lot of thought to my replies because that is what those who approach this forum deserve so I will post to you again as soon as possible.
In the meantime, well done writing your first post, I would imagine it was very difficult for you to write. There is often a lot of misplaced loyalty when it comes to talking about close family members which sadly gives the addiction, which thrives on secrecy, room to grow.
VelvetHi Sunny
If my response to you gave you half of what I felt the evening that I became aware that I was not alone, that I was not mad and that there was hope for me; I would be very happy.
I also did not tell anybody else what was going on in my life, due to my confusion, shame and guilt – but mostly because it felt disloyal, which in hindsight was misplaced loyalty.
I know now that the addiction to gamble is the last thing that a person who has ever placed a bet wants to end up with – it is horrific and soul destroying. Your husband would love to bet responsibly but he can’t and he doesn’t know why. You are gaining knowledge here that he does not have and which he will not be willing to listen to, until he is ready.
I would never suggest that you leave or stay with your husband, all decisions have to be yours but informed decisions are better than acting ‘in the heat of the moment’ and possibly living with regret.
I think that ‘on the ground’ support is the excellent but asking for support from families and friends can often result in unhelpful opinions and suggestions. I believe in telling loved ones that ********** has an addiction to gamble which he neither asked for nor wanted but that you are getting professional help to deal with it. However, you would appreciate them being there for you, being positive for you and helping you to enjoy your life while you are going through this difficult patch which you know you will come through.
Nothing you said sounded unsupportive but maybe the following will help you; it is a method that has been used successfully by many for dealing with a loved one with a gambling addiction.
Imagine when you have conversations with your husband that his addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you are not talking about gambling and keep your cool it will stay in the corner.
Your husband is controlled by his addiction beast but you are not and nor will you be unless you allow it. When you threaten it by raising anything to do with gambling, the beast leaps between you and takes control of the conversation. It is the master of threats and manipulation and will have you in the middle of an argument without you knowing how you got there. Arguments give it reason to breathe so that it can blame you for all the problems, thus exonerating itself from blame.
Once the addiction beast is fully activated you will only hear the beast speak and because it thrives on lies and deceit it will seek to demoralise you; when you speak, your husband hears your words as though through water, your lips move but the addiction-distorted words don’t make sense.
The CG in my life explained it to me in this way: While I was explaining to him that if he told the truth and lived honestly he would be happy; his addiction-distorted mind was convincing him that I was lying, that only his addiction would save him. When I told him I loved him he believed I was lying because as he said ‘who would love the unlovable, worthless failure’ his addiction had convinced him that he was? Lost and afraid he fought back with more lies, blame and deceit because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he is going to be different. I think it is good, although difficult, to block out the lies because by wanting to believe them, you become receptive. If you can stand back and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first, you will become stronger and able to reclaim and control your own life.Your husband is not responsible for himself at the moment and a further life for him to worry about ‘could’ cause him further anxiety. To control an addiction requires further selfish behaviour; your husband will need to concentrate on himself and his actions and it doesn’t happen overnight. . You must do what is right for you; however, I do not have a crystal ball!
Putting your interests and happiness first is really important while your husband’s addiction is controlling him. When a CG seeks recovery he will face unnecessary guilt and shame even though his actions as an active CG were not designed to hurt deliberately. The less wreckage there is will make his hope of controlling his addiction much easier. Furthermore, the more you do for you at this time, the stronger you will be for the rest of your life. I do believe that turning a bad experience into a good lesson in life is the best way of poking a stick in the eye of the gambling addiction.
I will end there because I think there is so much to learn at the beginning that it is hard to take it all on board but please keep posting you are doing well. I hope you find a counsellor who has a good knowledge of addiction; general counsellors can sometimes be a trifle unhelpful!
Speak soon
Velvet