[velvet]

Hi Steven
I look forward to following your progress. It isn’t easy but the effort is so worthwhile.
If your girlfriend wants support while she supports you then she is welcome to join the F&F forum and groups.
I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled, if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be here writing to you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Steven and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Grace

I don’t think there can be anybody who loves a compulsive gambler who at some point has not silently screamed ‘what about me?’

I remember when my CG first began to live gamble-free that I couldn’t understand why nobody seemed to think that what I had been through mattered – it seemed to be all about him. I knew that it was important that he was first in the thoughts of those around him; that I had to stay calm; not ask questions; not be selfish and worry about me; that I had to understand that it was his time to blossom – but the silent scream echoed round my mind ‘what about me?’

I too experienced anger and resentment. I was told by a counsellor that I didn’t need support – what had I got to worry about? She could not understand that when recovery starts for a compulsive gambler that the world doesn’t instantly become a wonderful place for the person who had been closest to the gambler. In reality I was more confused than before.

I determined that I would never belittle the anguish of those whose loved ones have just entered a gamble-free life because it isn’t easy.  

Forgetfulness, not in the sense of repressed memory but in the sense of deliberately refusing to think about the past is often an effective way to achieve mental equilibrium.

Sharing thoughts about feelings that confuse you, in the anonymity of this cyber world, will hopefully be liberating for you. The addiction to gamble, that neither you nor your fiancé asked for or wanted, has taken enough away from you both already; letting it go is hard but hanging on to resentment will hurt you further – don’t let it take any more of your life.  

The CG in my life lives in control of his addiction, we have love and trust and I have no need of resentment or anger but it did take time – for both of us.

I wish you both well and I hope you will keep posting

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Amylaaa and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Contessa and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Devvie
All F&F threads will share some similarities – addiction, loss of money, lies, confusions, denial, blame; it is how we handle it that is different and nobody can, or should, tell you what to do. The decision to leave or stay with a compulsive gambler has to be yours. Your friends do not understand – they see you in trouble and they want to help you – the solution appears to them simple – walk away. What they fail to appreciate is that you love your boyfriend. What I know and what you are probably learning from this site is that your boyfriend doesn’t want to be a compulsive gambler anymore than you want him to be.
It is understandable that hearing the same old story over and over is enough to make you want to walk away and some do. I think it is often good to put some distance between a compulsive gambler and the person who loves him. When the addiction is in your face every day it is hard to think straight and make good decisions. However, many F&F do not want to walk away, they want to work for a good outcome with their loved one. I will not tell you it is easy because it isn’t but I do know your boyfriend can control his addiction and although you cannot make him stop gambling you can support him if he wants to do so.
Turning you into the aggressor while he portrays himself as the victim is common with the addiction – it gives the CG s addictive mind-set an excuse to gamble further. You don’t know how he feels, you are unreasonable, you don’t understand etc..
Many F&F have described their loved one’s addiction as the ‘other woman’ and she is certainly a very demanding mistress.
A circle of behaviour can become a way of life – you don’t want to confront him; he thinks he has ‘got away with it’; he gambles, you don’t want to confront him; he thinks he has ‘got away with it’, he gambles and so it goes on.
I think it is important that you protect your finances and I believe it is best to have an account of which he has no knowledge. You can only bail him out if you have available money so I suggest you make your saving untouchable. He gets paid and squanders it then turns to you as ‘the ever-open purse’ but if you haven’t got it he can’t have it.
The tears and the hand wringing is horrible to watch but the tears are for himself because he cannot gamble. F&F want to believe the tears are for them, they want to see remorse but if he was truly remorseful there would be action and you are not seeing any.
When he is going through the ‘wants to contribute and wants to be able to carry his own weight financially’ part of his cycle you are probably, understandably, telling him what he should do to make his life easier but he doesn’t want to hear it so he turns you off. Maybe you could download the 20-questions from the Gamblers Anonymous web site for when he is in this frame of mind – it is possibly better to show him the words of others who understand than wasting your breath. Maybe ask him to read and answer the questions for himself because you cannot/will not keep enabling him.
In my opinion it is good to tell an active CG that you are seeking help for yourself, to let him know that you recognise the severity of his problem even if he will not. Maybe you could tell him that you learned that enabling him is feeding his addiction so you will not bail him out again because you love him.
I know it is really hard to stand firm but I see it as standing shoulder to shoulder with the CG against his addiction rather than constantly telling him what to do when he is not prepared to listen.
There is a lot of positive support these days for those who want to live gamble-free. We have an excellent Helpline, CG only groups and ‘My Journal’ forum on this site. GA is a marvellous organisation – he will be welcomed and understood in all these places.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Not the end Nick – but a great beginning

Well done

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Devvie

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lamann
I have always thought that if people continue to give and lose money, when they have been told they are enabling, then they deserve to lose it – but of course in this case his mother is feeding your husband’s addiction and that is wrong both for you and for him.
You have obviously found this out somehow – is there an in-between person who could put her straight? If a third person is involved in giving you this knowledge then maybe it will do some good for your husband to realise his ‘secret’ is out.
I think that all you can do is try, somehow, to get it through her misguided head that she is damaging her son. Maybe suggest she comes on to this site or looks at the gamblers anonymous website to learn about compulsive gambling.
The other person to appeal to, of course, is your husband but from what you have written I doubt it will make any difference but maybe, just maybe you could get him to search his conscience.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Vera
It probably won’t surprise you to know that I will not be a lender. I would have no problem lending money to people who will pay me back but I don’t know who will and who won’t.
Do I sound mean that I worry about being paid back? The reason I would worry most is that it would change my feelings for the person who has not paid me back and I don’t like that feeling. This has got nothing to do with addiction. I organise quite a lot of events and often pay up front for the tickets or booking – I just don’t understand the people who do not offer to pay me back quickly. Money is not a fun subject when it is owed and not willingly returned.
Your replies seem to imply that if you are good and kind, then you will lend money. I am not sure I agree with this. I have a friend (it really isn’t me) whose family treats her like a purse and not a person – not a nice feeling. I don’t think that those people who take her money are good and kind and they are destroying my friend’s feelings of goodness and kindness.
thanks for the post that gets the little grey cells buzzing
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Laura
Sometimes a warning shot across the bows can make us stronger. I am glad that your slip has not resulted in more pain.
I hope you know how much you are cared about all over this site.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Hannah
It would be great to get an up date
You are in my thoughts
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Blue

All the things your husband listed are typical of a person suffering with the addiction to gamble but often not admitted.

The compulsion to gamble does cause depression – by its sheer nature of constant failure it cannot bring happiness.

The compulsion to gamble usually results in debt which causes depression. Your husband cannot see an end to the debt his gambling has caused but sadly his answer is to gamble more causing his debt and depression to multiply..

An active compulsive gambler is emotionally immature. He is unrealistic about a time-table to clear his debts because he will only see gambling as his answer.

The compulsion to gamble takes time to grow into something that feels insurmountable – it stands to reason, therefore, that it takes time to undo the damage and become gamble-free – there is no quick or easy fix. Everything that he has said is understood here and everything he has said has a solution. What he does not appear to be understanding yet is that he can control his addiction, he can live gamble-free, he can become debt-free, he need not be depressed.

I suspect your husband didn’t like what he heard from the AA counsellor. He was probably frightened by what he thinks he has to do and what he has to give up to live gamble-free. I remember being brought up short when the CG in my life told me how daunting ‘forever’ looked without his addiction. As non-CGs we can move on from the gambling experience and recover our lives completely but a CG cannot. Your husband will always be a CG but he can control his addiction and have a wonderful life – I know because I have seen and heard it done often. Many F&F and CGs make something not only good but better out of their lives as a result of living through the bad experience.

All this depends, of course, on your husband wanting to take control of his life and not be controlled by an addiction. I think it might be a good idea to tell him what you are learning on this site and in particular the message that comes from CGs who do live in control of their addiction – ‘facing the addictive gambling addiction is not something to tackle alone’, if it was so it would be documented on this site. Personally, I have never heard of a CG maintaining a gamble-free life without support.  it is hard to get a CG to hear what they do not want to hear so pick your times when he is more ready to listen and never in the middle of an argument.  

I appreciate that you have other problems causing you stress but I am sure it would help if you could handle your joint finances. Many CGs do not like this as they feel they are being treated like children but most CGs who want to live gamble-free accept that this is one of the best ways forward for them. It isn’t a punishment, it is an amazing tool and it can make all the difference.

I am concerned that you feel you are tipping over the edge so I really hope you will keep posting. Look after your job and your other family worries first; your husband’s addiction is looking after him at the moment. Your health is more important because without it you will not be able to cope with any of your concerns.

Try and imagine that all your worries are a daunting pile of pieces in a giant jig-saw puzzle – what do you worry about first? By taking one piece at a time and dealing with it before picking up the next, the pile of worries gets smaller and you can begin to make sense of the whole picture. Worrying about problems all day long doesn’t solve anything. Try and have some ‘me’ time every day. I know this is one of the latest ‘in’ expressions but it does help.

Just as your husband will have to do when he faces his addiction, it is important that you just take one day at a time – you can do no more.

I hope some of this helps Blue but ask me anything and I will do my best for you

Speak soon Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Confusedson

I understand why you are saying that your father’s addiction needs to be addressed but sadly it doesn’t seem to be his ‘need’ at the moment, he sees his need as being a need to gamble. It is hard for the non-compulsive gambler to understand but the addiction to gamble is not about money; it is solely about ‘the gamble’

If your father is to control his addiction it is important that he takes responsibility for his debts and his behaviour. In my opinion that includes not using your home as an address for creditors to make contact. I cannot tell you what to do but I suggest informing the DMV that your father does not live at your address. Even though your father has repaid previous debts, enabling a compulsive gambler will only keep the addiction alive and strong. Giving money to a compulsive gambler (CG) or clearing gambling debts is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic – it feeds the monster within.

As your father still appears to have money in reserve I suggest it might be a good time to tell him that you will never lend him money in the future. Hopefully your brother will do likewise. Maybe you could tell him that you have sought help because you ‘know’ he has a problem even if he is not ready to accept it. Maybe you could download and give him the Gamblers Anonymous 20-questions which can be found on the GA site, sometimes gamblers are unaware that their problem is recognised and that there is help available. In my opinion, your mother’s family should be informed that your father has an addiction and that by giving him any money as a gift, or a loan, they are feeding a manipulative, divisive, destructive addiction that will get worse if it is not treated.

Many F&F have used intervention methods to bring home to the gambler the extent of the damage they are wreaking. Faced possibly with you, your mother, brother and relatives, expressing concern en masse he ‘may’ feel that perhaps he is not behaving as he should. However, I am a little concerned that you seem unsure of the scale of your father’s gambling. I feel that if you are to confront him you will need hard evidence or he will simply deny his problem.

As I said earlier the addiction to gamble is divisive and families can be torn apart so please make sure that if you go down the intervention route that you are all agreed on what it is that you want to say and what outcome you are looking for with your father.

Maybe you could investigate local GA groups and/or dedicated addiction counsellors for him. This site is available for him; we have a terrific one-to-one Helpline. It isn’t enough just to say ‘stop gambling’, many CGs do not know they have a recognised problem, they often do not believe that anybody can help them and they don’t know where to get help,   Many are simply afraid that they will not know what to do without their addiction,  

Please keep posting, read the forums and maybe try our Helpline yourself.

Velvet

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