[velvet]

Hi Nick
I don’t know if gambling is the reason for your daughter’s silence but I do know that it is possible to repair broken relationships if the will is there. Hopefully when you are secure in your gamble-free life it will be easier for you to cross the divide if she is willing to meet you part way. I don’t say half-way because I think you will have to work the hardest. How old is she?
Entering a gamble-free life, in the early days, can often be a time of impatience – “I’m making the effort – now why can’t the world accept me?” You know how determined you are to be the man you want to be and the father she would want you to be but at the moment she is unaware of the changes you are making.
Early recovery has to be a selfish time; it is enough for you to work on yourself for the moment. A seed of hope has been planted in you, the green shoots are showing but it takes time to grow and more time to blossom.
Whatever happens Nick, your gamble-free life will give you a freedom that is precious and worth all the effort.
Keep going – you are doing well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Sweet
Is he returning to his rehab for his professional help?
It stands to reason that not every person who goes into rehab is going to have the dedication to really embrace the tools on offer and have the necessary desire to live gamble-free. The reason that so many compulsive gamblers have to re-seek control of their addiction is that they have tried many times to take control but have been caught out by complacency. It is very hard for a gambler to accept that they cannot be cured especially when gambling is being thrown at them all the time from the media, family and social groups. Letting go takes a lot of courage – who could tell if we had the problem if we would have the courage required?
I know that a compulsive gambler has a greater hope of controlling his addiction when he has the right support which is often achieved with dedicated addiction counsellors and therapists; however, good, support from friends and family is immeasurable.
I am only pushing a thought around and you must act as you think fit but I think that if it was me and I still loved the gambler then I would possibly wait until he had received further professional help, I would walk the extra mile whilst seeking constant support for myself until I was sure that I knew the limit to which I was prepared to go. I would also want to see a difference in his behaviour,
I assure you that whatever you decide to do I will understand. We often don’t know our limits until they have been crossed so I think it would be good if you knew what yours were. You are gaining knowledge of his addiction and I would imagine you are gaining a lot of knowledge about yourself – I believe that knowing ourselves is the start of us walking back to life. I think that maybe you should think what it is that you really want because what you want really matters – after all this is your life.
Small comfort I know but dealing with this addiction now is better than when you are married with children.

Velvet

[velvet]

Great post Lizbeth
You are doing well
You are in my thoughts
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Claire
I have read your post a few times and each time I can hear a woman who will not only survive the addiction to gamble but who will take it as a springboard towards a better life.
You are indeed in a transition and still confused about so much of what has happened but you have made a positive move to protect yourself and your children and that is great. It would be wonderful if this was the incentive your husband needed to get himself into a gamble-free life but that is, of course, only in his control.
In my opinion it is too early for you to be making final decisions about how you feel about your husband – it is understandable that you doubt your love for him at the moment but his addiction will be clouding your thinking. Give yourself time to heal. Live for today alone.
You don’t want your children’s father to abandon them and you will do your best to make sure this doesn’t happen – but – and it is a big but – if he will not behave as he should towards them, you will protect them so you will never allow his addiction to make you an idiot. You are now too aware of the danger inherent in your husband’s gambling – I believe it is when we are unaware that the addiction makes fools of us.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Chelsea and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Claire

That was a powerful reply you wrote to Marshmallow and it tells me that you are working your way towards your own recovery and doing it well.

I hope you will write again and tell us how you got on at Gam-anon. I went to Gam-anon 14 years ago and it was there I found my salvation and began my recovery.

I find your words very mature; you have realised that your husband is choosing not to face his addiction and that you do not have control over his choice. You have put yourself and your children first and made, what must have been, a very difficult move to separate yourself from his addiction. I am positive that you will find light at the end of the tunnel and come out of the crazy darkness – you have a lot of strength and you have a lot of understanding of your situation.

You did well telling him that getting himself sorted was more important than saying ‘sorry’ – words are easy, action is not.

Like you, I hope your husband will wake up and change his life but in the meantime you are carrying on living and growing and caring for your children – and that I applaud with all my heart.

Please keep posting.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Marshmallow
I hope you come back to Claire’s thread, she has written you a very powerful reply.
Please start your own thread by scrolling to the bottom of the F&F forum page and click on ‘New Topic’ – write your post in the box; give your thread a title, scroll down to ‘save’ and click. It is great that Claire has answered you here but this is her thread and other members cannot support you on someone else’s thread.
I am sure that Claire will find your thread when you start it and you can support each other.
I look forward to seeing your thread when I too would like to give you further support.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi K

It is good to off-load and hopefully you felt a little better for it – I think you will top this week’s ranter class; I thought it was a well-deserved rant. How sad it is when bad behaviour is passed on but don’t stop trying to teach the old dog new tricks – keep showing him by example how good it is to give Bailey time and maybe – just maybe a switch will be thrown.

Keep going with the non-smoking too – I gave up donkey’s years ago and I didn’t find it easy (what does one do with one’s hands?). Like you, I used little sucker things, after trying to give up and not succeeding for years. It was all or nothing for me but one day, finally, my determination kicked in and I wouldn’t have one now, not for all the tea in China. The real benefit, for me, took a year to kick in but you are already aware that if something has been part of your life for a long time, it takes time to find different ways to deal with the effects of stopping. I promise you the effort is worth it – and health wise – well – it is amazing.

I love your upbeat posts and I feel for you in your rants. You have held that beacon of hope up for so many over the years.  You deserve to live a great adventure.

As ever

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi IDI
I think that all experiences, good and bad, are not ‘lost’ times but times when we add different dimensions to our personalities – if we improve our lives as a result of those experiences then surely the time was not lost.
How can we tell what our destiny was to have been, or is to be, when every day we are being bombarded with new ideas in an ever changing world? I am positive that being on this site and sharing large lumps of ourselves with others is not the destiny that either of us would have planned but we are both, in our own way, trying to make the best of our experiences ‘so far’.
I wish you well in your recovery whether or not you decide that GMA is right for you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Blue
You are not enabling and the credit card debt is yours so I think that your options are as you said – stay together and wait for him to hurt enough to seek help (while you feel the pinch because I suspect he will never contribute) or ask him to leave – it is a sad choice methinks but it has to be yours.
The only other thing I can suggest is an intervention meeting with friends and family where the dangers of his behaviour are pointed out to him and he is informed that all enablement is going to cease. This only works, of course, when everybody understands enough to speak as one voice.
What I do urge you to do is to ensure that ‘your’ life is full of friends and the things that please you – so many of us get so wrapped up in the addiction that we lose our own dreams and ambitions and it is harder to start again – I speak as one who knows this long and lonely road. It is easy to let months and years roll by in constant hope of change but a compulsive gambler needs those around him to be pliable so please be careful and look after you.
Keep posting and hopefully gaining knowledge of his addiction. I wish I could tell you that if you did a, b or c it would make him stop gambling but there is no magic formula. I do believe it helps to share though and I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Natalie and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi CB
I am concerned that it is only you that is trying to do something about the way things are for you both – your husband doesn’t seem to be making any effort to live gamble-free. I would like to take you back to an earlier post by Vera where she makes the following points
“ Good intentions often lead to misguided actions. I say this both as a CG who demanded enablement and as an enabler.
We need to reflect deeply to identify our enabling behaviour and why we do it.
If you resent your actions, do them out of fear, or carry on in the absence of appreciation I would think you are enabling, not helping the CG.
It is a complex situation . We need to weigh up the consequences of short term pain versus long term misery.
Take it one day at a time CB. You are an intelligent lady. You will learn the difference between enabling and helping as time goes on.
Enabling is not just about financing the CG. It also involves time, emotional drainage and allowing him to place the onus on you for tasks he should be taking responsibility for himself.
CGs are experts when it comes to deflection and projection.”
At the moment, you are in a position of control, your credit is good and you are able to control your own life.
Are you saying you have control over the bills because you are paying them without your husband chipping in – because if this is so, why would your husband bother to curb his addiction when you are managing so well?
Maybe you should be saying ‘I will not pay your bills unless you actively tackle your addiction’ and mean it.

It seems to me and forgive me if I am not reading this right – ‘you don’t just want to get by, you want to move on’ but you are perhaps hoping that you will be able to do so even while your husband gambles, hopefully less. Sadly things will not improve unless your husband actively seeks change – the addiction to gamble gets worse, never better, it requires treatment and it thrives on enablement.
Don’t be impatient, be positive and tough – you do not have to allow his addiction to rule whether or not you just get by or not. Be strong, I can hear you can do it.
Velvet
You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing, there will be no results – Mahatma Gandi

[velvet]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Dylan
Does your father recognise that he has a problem, has he ever sought help? Are you the only member of your family who is aware of your father’s addiction and behaviour?
You are loading yourself with a burden of guilt of guilt that is unnecessary; you do not make your father gamble, you have not been the cause of his addiction. I appreciate the depth of your concern and the heartache that you are feeling but in my opinion the best thing for both of you is for you to refuse to enable his addiction.
Do you give your father cash to pay for his rent, buy his food and medication because giving a compulsive gambler cash is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic? When his addiction is triggered he will probably take any amount, however small, that you give him and squander it – that is the nature of his addiction. I’m sorry to say that your situation will probably never alter until you do stop sorting out your his gambling debts.
In my opinion it would be good to let him know that enablement is ceasing because you love him. Maybe you could buy his medication for a month and some food and let him know that you cannot support him any more unless he seeks help.
I am hoping that you do have other family members who can support you because I know this is a very lonely road for you. If you do have support maybe it would be a good idea to have an intervention with him where everybody sits down with him and levels with him on the seriousness of what he is doing to himself and to you. It is important if you do this however that everybody is in agreement over what you are saying.
There is no magic pill to give your Dad to stop him gambling, or crystal ball to see what will happen but I do know that if nothing changes then nothing will change.
70 isn’t too old to change, he would be welcome on our Helpline, in our CG groups and ‘My Journal’ forum. He would also be welcome in GA. The problem is that he has to want to help himself, you cannot save him and because of that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Please keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Dylan

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Author]

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