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[velvet]

Hi JLF
To find out how to make a compulsive gambler be honest, I think, it is good to understand why they are not.
A compulsive gambler will probably have used lies to cover early losses and the feelings of failure that accompany the addiction. Having successfully deflected the attention of those around them, from their gambling, the lies become normal. As time passes and the losses accrue (which they will because that is the nature of the addiction) the lies can get even more fanciful – they become a way of dealing with life, often with situations that are not gambling related. A memory peppered with lies is confusing and the gambler can begin to believe his lies are his truth.
I suspect that your boyfriend did not want you to look at his other account because it showed up what he believes is his failure and it might stop any form of enablement from you including your loving him – he needs you to believe his lies.
Has there been a time that he has acknowledged his problem or sought any support? There is a lot of support for compulsive gamblers but of course they must recognise they have a problem in the first place.
I cannot tell you what to do but I believe that on a good day it might help you to gently tell him that you have sought help for you and that you know there is help for him.
Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20-Questions from their web site and ask him to look at them. Many compulsive gamblers feel they are alone with their problem and that there is nobody who can understand.
You write that he has gambler friends but they might be managing their gambling and walking away when they are losing. Your boyfriend will not understand why he cannot. A non-compulsive gambler will probably cover for his friends because he doesn’t realise the seriousness of the addiction.
You write that he has borrowed from family and friends, I am not sure that compulsive gamblers borrow – they take available money from those who do not understand in the hope they will win – when they do not win they chase those loses until all is gone and the lender is often left without reimbursement.
I think it is important to know that a compulsive gambler does not gamble for financial gain, it is the gamble itself that excites. It is difficult for friends and family to understand because they see money as a commodity to buy things and to live better, not to squander for no reward.
I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which hopefully will give you some insight into the roller-coaster that is your boyfriend’s addiction.
Giving active compulsive gambler money is the same as giving an alcoholic a drink, maybe his friends and family would do well to know that. It is enablement when a gambler’s debts are cleared by another.
I am going to leave this reply here now and await a reply from you. Please ask me whatever you want to know and I will do my best to answer you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Molly

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Molly
Could you write a little more please – I would like to support you but your thread title doesn’t give me anything to go on.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jen
I am shouting to you across the ocean ‘don’t take the bait’, don’t let that ugly gambling devil called complacency pull you in, stand fast and kick him into oblivion.
One day at a time is all any of us can or should concern ourselves with but some days will be harder than others at the start of a recovery. Maybe on a good day you could make a list of things to do in readiness for a tough day, make plans for turning a difficult day into something good, such as seeing friends and family, walking and observing nature, enjoying a favourite meal, anything that pleases you and that doesn’t cause you further pain.
I know you can beat this problem or I wouldn’t be here writing to you. Look after your gamble-free life – it is precious – as are you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Ed
There are some names that never go completely out of my mind and Uncontrolled has to be one of them.
I have thought about you many times and wondered how you were doing and although you have had a hiccough you are getting yourself back on track so keep going straight. I knew you could do it and you also know it now..
I’m sorry about your father, one of my dearest friends has Parkinson’s and I am finding it very hard to see him deteriorate. I am so pleased your wife stuck with you. I can never suggest to a family member that they stay or that they leave, we all have to make our own choice but you are doing well which justifies her faith in you.
Complacency is the devil Ed – you can give in to him and he can take everything away from you whilst promising you the earth. I am sure you will have thought about how and why he managed to knock you off kilter so knock him off your shoulder, kick him into the gutter and get back to enjoying your life.
Great post, you have made me a very happy person tonight.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello G and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello, Welcome back Alliesmum and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Jen Welcome back and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Sweet

I cannot tell you what to do but in my opinion it would be unwise to consider marriage until you have seen a very big difference in your fiancé’s behaviour. As a compulsive gambler your fiancé cannot promise that if you lived together he would never gamble again because a compulsion to gamble cannot be cured – it can be controlled but it requires treatment, courage and and dedication.

Your mother is obviously very worried about you and I think her concern is understandable. Re-read your post and imagine someone else had written it – what would you say to a girl who was talking about giving up her home and security to marry a man who owed a hundred thousand dollars as a result of an addiction to gamble – you might react in the same way as your mother.

Your fiancé is almost certainly depressed because he gambles and not gambling because he is depressed. It is unfair of him to place the responsibility of his recovery on your shoulders when the only person who can save him is himself. We can only save ourselves; we cannot make a compulsive gambler stop gambling. I naively believed that love could conquer all and I tried everything to get the compulsive gambler in my life to stop gambling but in the end there was nothing that I could do.

Divide your post it into two columns – in the first column put the reasons to marry your fiancé and in the second column put the risks and dangers of marrying him. I don’t think the result would surprise you Sweet because I think that you are asking for advice when you already know the answer but you wish that you didn’t.

If your fiancé loves you then he can turn his life around without you giving up your family and sacrificing your security to go to him. Your fiancé can change but he doesn’t need you with him to do it. In my opinion, if he loves you, he should understand that you cannot commit until he has had treatment and lived gamble-free for at least a year. He cannot trust himself yet, so why should he think that you should trust him?

I think you have a very tough decision to make Sweet and I hope that some of what I am saying helps you to make the decision that is right for you.

Keep posting and asking questions.

You are in my thoughts

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Danielle and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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