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I wish you a peaceful, gamble-free Christmas Vera
As Ever
Velvet
Hello Guiseppe and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Seester
I think your message to your brother shows great compassion and I hope that somewhere in his mind he has found space to store your words.
I hope you are continuing to enjoy the freedom from stress that you had since you wrote to him. It is hard to know when to stop saying words of encouragement – I think we often think that maybe just one more line ‘might’ trigger a good response and then we can tend to say too much and confuse our loved one. So with that in mind, I suggest you do nothing more until you know the bomb has gone off or hopefully he is ready to listen. Rock bottom is a mental state and cannot be arrived at before time. Your brother can read your caring words until then.
I am a great believer in a whole family knowing as much as possible about the addiction to gamble when it is in their midst. One person enabling can lay waste to the efforts of all the others. Through shame, guilt and ignorance I didn’t share my fears with the result that others enabled when I had stopped. Understanding is difficult but you have a lot of knowledge with which you could support your siblings and ultimately your brother.
You have spoken out to your brother now and told him that you know he has an addiction; he therefore has less need to lie to you although I suspect he will probably do so again. I found that when I had enough determination to vow that I would never let the gambling addiction hurt me again, I was able to say the right words, do the right thing and stop being confused by his addiction. I believe in loving the gambler but standing shoulder to shoulder with him in hating his addiction – even if he is not ready to respond.
I hope you and your family and your brother, wherever he is, have a wonderful Christmas – I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Velvet
Hello Gamblingnomore and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Lovely post Monica
It is such a joy for me to read your words and hear you doing so well.
Please watch that computer game. Gaming like gambling can draw the mind into a false sense of security.
I hope your Christmas is full of all the things that matter to you.
As Ever
Velvet
Hello Sean and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Angel
Please start your own thread and hopefully you can learn to feel less helpless.
If you scroll to the bottom of the forum page and click on ‘New Topic’, write your post in the box, scroll down and click ‘send’your message will appear and you can get support that is unique to you.
If you brother is a compulsive gambler he will need the right support – not pills but counselling from his peers and/or dedicated counselors. such support is available.
I hope to hear from you as I am unable to support you on someone else’s thread.
VelvetHi CB
It would be great to get an update
You are in my thoughts
Velvet
Hi Barra
Restlessness, irritability and a tendency to fly off the handle are typical behaviours of an active compulsive gambler.
If a compulsive gambler could take control of his addiction without support it would be fantastic but in my experience such a belief is a fantasy. This site would not exist, GA and rehabs would not be necessary. Saying he can stop gambling with your support is putting the worry unfairly on your shoulders, while you do the worrying he will have no need to make the effort.
I believe it is good for you to imagine your husband’s addiction as a beast lurking in the corner of the room – it is a method that has worked for many F&F in the early days. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, the beast will lie quiet although it never sleeps. Your husband is controlled by an addiction at the moment but you are not, you are stronger than his addiction, even when it leaves you feeling vulnerable and afraid.
The addiction beast will leap between you when you threaten its existence; it doesn’t want to hear that it is responsible for the loss of money and/or its poor behaviour. The problem is that once the beast is roused it will defend itself with lies and it will try and make you feel you are to blame thus demoralising you.
The gambler in my life explained it to me by saying that all the time I was telling him that he would be happy if he didn’t lie but lived honestly, his addiction was distorting my meaning, convincing him that I couldn’t understand. He felt unlovable and a worthless because the gambling addiction generated feelings of failure in him. He fought me all the way because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism and such coping mechanisms are learned when a compulsive gambler seeks support and determines to live gamble-free.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe the active gambler that they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he is going to be different. If you can stand back and listen to what your husband is saying, rather than trying to tell him what to do, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no purpose apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side, the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
In my opinion, when you know you are hearing a story being spun or you are being given an unlikely reason for a door being locked, it is enough to say that you do not believe him but that you will be ready to listen when he tells the truth and walk away. Having made your point you are registering that you are not open to further embroidery of the truth. When you walk away it is important for you to go and do something that pleases you and removes you from the possibility of further exhausting and pointless argument. This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
I’m afraid there is no crystal ball and no magic pill. Keeping healthy communication open is good, looking after yourself is paramount – it doesn’t seem much but by looking after yourself first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own health and be able to cope better. If we allow addiction to control our lives we become victims and impotent.
I am going to try and find a post for you written by a compulsive gambler who lives in control of his addiction – it explains why seeking help is so important and why trying to do it on your own is impossible – I have never heard of a compulsive gambler who has successfully taken control of his addiction without treatment.
Please ensure that your passport is in a place he cannot access, likewise your pin numbers and account details.
I am glad that you are protecting yourself and your husband by handling the finances.
Keep posting Barra, you are being heard
Velvet
Hi Bara
A compulsive gambler cannot be cured but many, many can and do live in control of their addictions without relapsing.
I am fortunate in that I know a number of compulsive gamblers who have seized the gamble-free life with a passion and a zest that is remarkable. Not only are they living gamble-free but they are leading possibly more extraordinary lives for have overcome the addiction that sought to bring them to their knees.
It is a very hard message for those who love compulsive gamblers but my own experience is this. I trust the gambler in my life to protect his gamble-free life because he wants to do so – he has been clean for over 12 years and enjoys a wonderful life.
I will leave it there tonight Bara but I wanted to give you a quick reply so that you knew you had been heard. I will write again asap.
In the meantime perhaps you could let me know if your husband has started going to meetings and have you heard about GMA?
VelvetHello Bara
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Lizbeth
I am sorry about the unwanted post on your thread. I am not 100% sure how to remove a post in the middle of a thread but I am notifying those who do know how to do it.
In the meantime carry on with your thread as you have been doing because you and your recovery are far too important to be marred by one unpleasant post.
You are in my thoughts
Velvet
Hello Acgr and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Chris and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Jolene
It is a shame that your son cannot hear other addicted gamblers repeating the well-worn mantras, ‘when ‘a’ or ‘b’ happens I will stop gambling; I know that my luck will change; you don’t understand; I am researching a strategy ……;’ and then to hear that same gambler’s pain when realisation dawns that the dream was never theirs to have.
In my opinion, the ‘wins’ that your son has experienced have in actuality been his losses because they will have fuelled his belief in an impossible dream. The addiction to gamble is not about money, it is solely about ‘the gamble’ and money is merely the means to that end – it is ‘the gamble’ that is distorting your son’s thinking. A compulsive gambler cannot walk away and will always lose in the end.
I cannot tell you what to do because all decisions have to be yours but I hope you will keep posting because there is so much more information and help these days for those who seek support.
I think it is good when compulsive gamblers know their loved ones have sought support for themselves because it often doesn’t occur to them how damaging their addiction is to those around them. I believe it can also show that their loved ones are trying to understand and support in the right way. It is great for me to see Worriedmama writing to you, like her I think that Gam-Anon offers terrific support.
I believe in giving gentle signposts towards seeking help because I know that ranting, raving, pleading, threatening, weeping doesn’t reach the addicted mind. An active compulsive gambler cannot listen because he has to believe in his plan to ‘win’ and he has to shut the doubter out.
Speak soon Jolene, you are in my thoughts
Velvet