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Hi Anthony
You have started your thread with a post that must have been hard to write – I want you to know that you have been heard and understood.
I think your message to your mom was a wonderful way of showing her how much you care but I am sure you are aware that her addiction will probably prevent her from accepting your words as they are meant.
Your mom has a roof over her head with your grandma so you know where she is and that she is safe which is good – is your grandma aware of her daughter’s addiction? Is your grandma a strong woman?
You, your brothers and your father know you have done your best so your mother’s unkind words have no basis in fact. If she was in control of her addiction you can be sure that these are not the words she would express.
When it is felt that everything has been tried and there has been no change for the better it is time to think what else could be done that is different. Your mother has had her debts cleared many times and still she gambles so clearing her gambling debts doesn’t work. She has demanded money and thrown it away feeding her addiction, so giving her cash hasn’t made any difference. Sometimes, when words and actions from loved ones have made no difference, a compulsive gambler has to be allowed to fall.
Entering into prolonged conversations with an active gambler gives them the ability to place blame for their own poor behaviour on everybody else, so I suggest that when your mother makes contact it might be better just to calmly tell her that you will only listen to her when she is ready to be polite and that you will not listen when she is being unpleasant. Maybe you could give her the address of her local gamblers anonymous (GA), or a dedicated addiction counsellor, or give her information about this site. She would be welcomed on our Helpline where she can get one-to-one, non- judgmental, anonymous support.
I hope you will keep posting Anthony; you have been fighting a long battle together with your father and brothers against an implacable addiction. You have told your mother that you will be there for her when she is ready to seek help and for now I cannot think of anything that you could have done better.
Velvet
Hi KQ
Please start your own thread so that you can receive replies and then Cairo and others can communicate with you.
If you scroll to the bottom of the forum page and click on ‘New Topic’, write your story in the box and click on ‘save’ your thread will appear in this forum.
Living with the addiction to gamble in your life is a lonely experience – this forum is for sharing experiences and learning how to cope.
Your husband might know that he is ruining your life but he probably doesn’t know how to reverse the ruin and make things better.
You have reached out and you have been heard, please keep posting
Velvet
Hello Vasilis and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Cairo
Well done writing your first post, I am sure it was very painful to write.
Sometimes anger, disappointment, confusion and shame can lead us to feelings of hate but I have to ask you why you wrote this post if it was not because your first hope would be that you could rekindle love if your husband faced his addiction and stopped gambling.
Your husband lies in a desperate attempt to divert you from his addiction but of course if doesn’t work; he doesn’t appear to know, however, what else to do. Has he ever tried GA (gambler anonymous) or spoken to a counsellor about his problem – has he ever sought any help of any kind or are you his only sounding block?
There is a brilliant post somewhere on the site and I must find it again for you, where a compulsive gambler who lives in control of his addiction explains why support is so necessary for an addicted gambler – if it was possible to ‘do it alone’ and stop gambling, sites like this and GA would not exist.
If you want to tell his family in anger then I would not say that I thought it was the right thing to do. Families can live in a state of denial over a child or sibling with the addiction to gamble and an angry approach could damage your relationship with them. If, however, you want them to support you and you do care deep down that he is unhappy with his addiction and needs support, then I would think it was a good thing to include them.
I am going to leave this here Cairo as I have to go out but I will come back to you asap. I wanted to get some thoughts off to you quickly so that you know you are being heard and that I do care.
Look after yourself
VelvetWell done starting your thread Chris
I will come back to you asap
Velvet
Hi Gaby
It is so hard when the person who one would have thought should have been the role model is found to have feet of clay.
For many people, however a parent, sibling or child has the sadness of finding a fundamental weakness in another family member. It is very important when it comes to the addiction to gamble that it is understood that nobody is to blame – there was nothing that you could have done to stop your mother gambling and nothing she could have done to stop herself owning this terrible addiction.
What you do today is what matters. ‘You’ matter, your education and future happiness matters and will make a difference to your mother. The addiction to gamble is riddled with feelings of guilt and shame – the less she can feel she has wrecked your life, the more hopeful she could feel about her own life.
This site is free Gaby, as is GA. Gamblers anonymous is an amazing changer of people’s lives ‘if they want to change’. Sadly you cannot make your mother stop gambling but you can direct her to those who would willingly support her in her quest to be gamble free. This site has a brilliant Helpline where your mother can communicate one-to–one anonymously. We have terrific facilitators for groups of gamblers where sharing and understanding is to be found. Your mother can stop gambling but she has to seek the support that is available.
I know it is hard but in my opinion, the neighbours and friends from whom she has taken money should be told that your mother has an addiction. Hopefully they can also be told that she is seeking help but that will be down to her. You should not pay her debts because it leaves her free to ‘borrow’ again and doesn’t help her or you. The addiction to gamble thrives on secrecy, if one person will not give money then another will unless they are aware. There should be no shame about admitting this problem, as I have said, nobody is to blame. Ideally it should be your mother that tells her relatives, friends and neighbours because that would be a big step towards acceptance of her problem but failing that it might be that someone could inform her that the relatives, friends and neighbours should be told for their protection and also for her sake.
Your mother is almost certainly depressed because of her addiction and not addicted because of depression. It is her addiction that should be addressed.
You are right when you say you will not get your money back and it is likely that the friends, relatives and neighbours will not get their money back either but that is not something you should worry about – you cannot balance the books and make it right. Sadly they may have to learn the hard way that a compulsive gambler needs support, not money.
Can you talk to your father?
Please post again Gaby. I know my message is tough but sadly you cannot ‘know’ that your mother wants to get help. People have not been successful in getting her to stop because they have not understood that it is your mother who has to want to stop. Keep communication open with her, tell her straight that you will not enable her; listen to her but do not place your trust in her because she cannot trust herself; direct her to free and wonderful support. Above all look after yourself because you are an achievement for her, something she can be proud of.
Velvet