[velvet]

Labas Saulėgrąžos

Tikimės, kad jūsų vaikinas persvarstys savo požiūrį į paramos paiešką.

Daugelis priverstinių lošėjų priešinasi palaikymui ir nesuskaičiuoja daug pasiteisinimų, kodėl siūloma parama nėra skirta jiems – deja, jūsų vaikinas dar kartą įrodė, kad eiti vien tai nėra kelias į priekį.

Šeimos gali pabloginti situaciją, jei nestovės petys į petį. Suprantama, kad daugelis žmonių nesupranta, bet, laimei, tokie žmonės kaip tu vargsta tai išsiaiškinti.

Atsiprašau, jei tai skamba griežtai, bet manau, kad svarbu žinoti, jog jūsų vaikinas beveik tikrai neskauda, nes negali sumokėti savo vyrams – labai įtariu, kad jam skauda blogai, nes nepavyko. lošti ir jam gaila savęs.

Būtent „jo“ elgesys privertė jį į tokią liūdną būseną ir jūs negalite jo išgelbėti. Jam svarbu prisiimti atsakomybę už savo veiksmus, o tai, manau, reiškia, kad jis turėtų informuoti savo vyrus ir verslo partnerį ir tikėtis, kad jie supras ir pasiūlys paramą. Jūsų vaikinas iš tikrųjų pavogė jo vyrų atlyginimus, o tai yra nepriimtina – jei ir toliau taip elgsis, jis gali atsidurti kalėjime, kuris niekuo nepadės.

Jis nėra baisus žmogus, tačiau jo veiksmai yra siaubingi, ir, mano nuomone, jis turėtų prisiimti atsakomybę už juos.

Šioje svetainėje turime puikią pagalbos liniją, ji yra anoniminė ir individuali, mes padėjome lošėjų grupėms, kuriose jis būtų laukiamas. Jūs turėsite vietinių GA susitikimų savo vietovėje ir esu tikras, kad jis galėtų rasti specialų priklausomybės ligų konsultantą. Parama yra čia N ir ji bus ten, kur jūs esate – mano nuomone, jums laikas pasakyti jam, kad jis imtųsi tos paramos, o jūs pasirūpintumėte savimi.

Prašome toliau skelbti

Aksomas

[velvet]

ہیلو سورج مکھی۔

امید ہے کہ آپ کا بوائے فرینڈ مدد مانگنے کے بارے میں اپنے رویے پر نظر ثانی کرے گا۔

بہت سے مجبوری جواری سپورٹ کی مخالفت کرتے ہیں اور ان گنت بہانے بناتے ہیں کہ پیشکش پر سپورٹ ان کے لیے کیوں نہیں ہے – افسوس کی بات ہے کہ آپ کے بوائے فرینڈ نے دوبارہ ثابت کر دیا ہے کہ اسے اکیلے جانا آگے کا راستہ نہیں ہے۔

اگر خاندان کندھے سے کندھا ملا کر نہ کھڑے ہوں تو معاملات خراب ہو سکتے ہیں۔ یہ بات قابل فہم ہے کہ بہت سے لوگ نہیں سمجھتے لیکن شکر ہے کہ آپ جیسے لوگ یہ جاننے کی زحمت کر رہے ہیں۔

مجھے افسوس ہے کہ اگر مندرجہ ذیل باتیں سخت لگتی ہیں لیکن مجھے لگتا ہے کہ یہ ضروری ہے کہ آپ کو معلوم ہو کہ آپ کا بوائے فرینڈ تقریبا certainly یقینی طور پر بری طرح تکلیف نہیں پہنچا رہا ہے کیونکہ وہ اپنے مردوں کو ادائیگی نہیں کر سکتا – مجھے سختی سے شبہ ہے کہ وہ بری طرح تکلیف دے رہا ہے کیونکہ وہ اس سے دور نہیں ہوا۔ جوا کھیل رہا ہے اور اسے اپنے لیے افسوس ہے۔

یہ 'اس کا' رویہ ہے جس نے اسے اس افسوس ناک حالت میں ڈال دیا ہے اور آپ اسے بچا نہیں سکتے۔ اس کے لیے ضروری ہے کہ وہ اپنے اعمال کی ذمہ داری قبول کرے جس کا مطلب ہے کہ وہ اپنے مردوں اور اپنے کاروباری پارٹنر کو آگاہ کرے اور امید ہے کہ وہ سمجھ جائیں گے اور مدد کی پیشکش کریں گے۔ آپ کے بوائے فرینڈ نے درحقیقت اپنے مردوں کی اجرت چوری کی ہے جو کہ ناقابل قبول ہے۔

وہ ایک خوفناک شخص نہیں ہے لیکن اس کے اعمال خوفناک ہیں اور میری رائے میں اسے ان کی ذمہ داری لینی چاہیے۔

ہمارے پاس اس سائٹ پر ایک شاندار ہیلپ لائن ہے ، یہ گمنام اور ایک سے ایک ہے ، ہم نے جواری گروپوں کو سہولت فراہم کی ہے جہاں اس کا استقبال کیا جائے گا۔ آپ کے علاقے میں مقامی GA میٹنگز ہوں گی اور مجھے یقین ہے کہ وہ ایک نشے کا سرشار مشیر تلاش کر سکتا ہے۔ سپورٹ یہاں ہے N اور یہ وہیں ہوگی جہاں آپ ہیں – میری رائے میں ، اب وقت آگیا ہے کہ آپ اسے بتائیں کہ وہ سپورٹ لیں اور آپ اپنی دیکھ بھال کریں۔

براہ کرم پوسٹ کرتے رہیں۔

مخمل۔

[velvet]

Hi Reneetgraham
CBT is an excellent way forward for many people.
I think it would be a good idea if you approached the CBT centre in Toronto to see what they have to say about your father – better still, maybe, your father should make the approach.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Shirley
Thank you for your clarification.
Probably the most common cause for a relapse is complacency. Your son has had counselling and appears to now believe he can handle his addiction without further support.
The support on this site is anonymous, our gambler’s groups are facilitated and brilliant, he would be welcome to join them – he might be surprised to hear that his thinking has been voiced by others before him and found to be flawed. There is nothing quite like someone who has walked the recovery path before putting someone in early recovery straight. Our Helpline is there for him, it is one-to one and again it is anonymous.
I agree that you cannot make him ‘do’ anything but I firmly believe in giving signposts to good support.
Many compulsive gamblers do not know for sure what triggers them, they can be triggered by happy things just as much as sad, ups as much as downs. Talking and sharing with those who understand them often unlocks hidden thoughts.
Kee posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Darcy
While your husband is in rehab he will get the chance to voice his thoughts on horse racing in the future and he will be receiving the tools for a life-time recovery.
It is only natural that you are worried. Your husband’s addiction will undoubtedly have confused you and it is easy, therefore, to believe that he will fool the counselors and therapists in the rehab but they are trained to spot those who are really wanting to change their lives and those who are paying lip serve. I grant you that not all compulsive gamblers who go into rehab are willing to listen but the fact that your husband is there is reason to hope.
It is scary to think differently and allow yourself to trust; the fear of being let down again is understandable. It is important for you to use this time while he is away to work on yourself, to learn to relax and be happy, to do the things that his addiction stopped you doing such as seeing friends and enjoying hobbies. If your husband is using his time in rehab well, he will return to you a changed man which is why it is good that you are healthy, happy and in control of your own life when he returns
I have known of some sports gamblers who have watched sport while living successful gamble-free lives following treatment, it is not something that will happen immediately in recovery and the gambler needs to be aware of the dangers of doing so. I have known gamblers however who have turned their backs on the sport that triggered them.
Your husband will be talking In rehab about how he thinks his life will be when he leaves and I am sure he is being advised about how dangerous it is to test his addiction.
It would be good to ‘talk’ to you in the privacy of a group Darcy. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum. I know it can be very lonely waiting and hoping at home. I would be interested to know if he is on the GMA programme but possibly you would not like to write this on an open forum.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Shirley
I hope when you say that your son is not angry that it means he not is not behaving unacceptably towards you, apart from gambling.
Sadly many compulsive gamblers do not take on board all they hear when in counselling for the first time but hopefully your son will have taken on board some of what he heard, even if he is slipping and sliding about at the moment.
Your son is young and will not want to accept he has an addiction that he cannot control without support, he is maybe still thinking that he can win and that it is not his fault when he loses.
It seems to me from your post that your son is trying to push the boundaries a little at a time in the hope that you don’t see the bigger picture unfolding. He has a well paid job which he undoubtedly hopes will cover any slips but I am sure you are aware that his addiction will get worse without control.
If it was me, I would sit him down when he was in a good state of mind and tell him that I do not want to be his minder but I would like to give him the right support. I would tell him that he had led me to believe, following his counselling that it was better for him to hand over ‘all’ his finances until he could trust himself and I would ask him to willingly hand over his card. I know it feels like treating him as a child but it really isn’t – it is treating him as a man with a problem that deserves the right support. I know of many, many compulsive gamblers who have willingly handed over their finances because they have accepted the good intentions of those who are trying to help them – in my view it is important that your son trusts you which might sound odd but I know it to be true.
I think it would be good to tell him that you will not clear any more debts for him as these are his responsibility and are the consequences of his own actions. Clearing gambling debts is to enable an addiction just as giving a drink is to an alcoholic, even if it I just a little one. No judgement Shirley, just information, I did it myself.
Please post again and let me know how you are doing. I know how tough it is but I also know that your son can control his addiction or I wouldn’t be writing to you.
Well done writing your first post. It would be great to ‘meet’ you in a group on a Tuesday or Thursday evening between 10-11pm. We could ‘talk’ in real time – nothing we say will appear on the forum, it is private and safe.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Maria
Trying to understand why your partner gambled will not help you, making sense of the senseless will only leave you more confused.
The addiction to gamble destroys self-confidence and self-esteem which probably means your partner is feeling somewhat worthless; in my opinion, it is more important to listen to her at the moment, rather than questioning her because she may well prevaricate to avoid admitting how she truly feels.
She has done well contacting Gamcare and I will be interested to hear how she gets on. Let me know how you feel when she tells you about it.
Please keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Nmci
Do you know why your boyfriend sought help five years ago, did he accept then that he had an addiction; were his family aware at that time?
The reason I am asking these questions is that accepting an addiction is a big step towards taking responsibility and it appears, from your post, that this is what he did.
Slips do not have to be entirely negative, they can make a compulsive gambler stronger when the realisation hits home that they have slipped back into old behaviours. However, it is important that your boyfriend is made aware of his behaviour before it becomes a full-blown relapse although I accept that this may have already happened from reading your post.
For some reason, in the past N, your boyfriend faced his demons and tried to live gamble-free; if his family were instrumental, in any way at that time, maybe they could help to open his eyes again. For that reason, if it was me, I would ask for their support.
Please keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Joanne

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Dear Vera
I was really touched by your message, thank you.
Stupid thing to do. I caught my foot in the cable when I was charging my tablet, splat I went down and crack went the hip. Easily done but it should not have happened. All cables will be well off the ground in future. It’s a painful recovery but I can’t do any more than take one day at a time – now where have I heard that before?
Anyway, thanks again, your words were really appreciated.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Rupture
I am sorry I have not replied to you earlier, I hope you are still reading. It would be great to get an update.
Compulsive gamblers are often very hard workers because they want to earn money to cover their gambling and this can work until the addiction reaches uncontrollable limits, behaviour deteriorates and debts exceed that which is being earned.
Sadly without treatment this addiction gets worse and not better. I am sorry that your boyfriend is saying that GA is not for him but it is not uncommon for gamblers to feel like this. In my opinion many gamblers go to GA in the hope of finding the magic cure but sadly it doesn’t exist – they want to control the addiction but they don’t want to do the work that is necessary to achieve that end.
The different forms of addictive gambling cannot and should not be compared, there is no one form of gambling that is any easier to control than any other – there is not one form that is worse or better than any other. Your boyfriend has a gambling addiction which means he cannot walk away, until, often, he has lost everything.
Has your boyfriend tried this site? I don’t think that ‘My Journal’ which is the forum for compulsive gamblers who want to control their addiction could ever be said to be inactive. We also have a brilliant Helpline where your boyfriend could communicate in real time, one to one and get the honest, down to earth support he deserves. The CG groups are excellent and private, he would ‘meet’ those who understand him and as it is anonymous, it could be argued he has nothing to lose by trying them.
When your boyfriend is triggered there is little point in trying to talk to him logically or reasonable because he cannot/will not hear. Challenging and threatening him will have no effect.
Your boyfriend has been in recovery for 3 years and this might be a good base for you to build on. Rather than talking about what he is doing now, which won’t change a thing, maybe you could talk about how happy you were in those three years, remind him of the things you did, friends you had and places you went when times were good. In other words, positive thoughts. Don’t compare with the way it is now, just talk about how happy he seemed and how much better you felt – what it did for your health to see him doing well.
I can hear in your post that you feel that you are sinking and this is definitely an area over which ‘you’ have control. If you allow his addiction to bring you down then you are not helping him or you. Maybe you could write a list of things to talk about other than gambling and call your old friends to chat, I am sure they would be pleased to hear you sounding better. It is a cycle that F&F find themselves in– they talk over and over about their problems and then notice their friends dwindling; feeling unwanted and uncared for they sink back in to themselves with confidence and self-esteem flying out of the window. You use to have friends so you were obviously a good friend yourself – try and make the effort and see what happens. Believe me, I know it isn’t easy.
I hope you are still reading Rupture. There is an F&F group every Tuesday and Thursday evening between 22.00-2300 hours UK – it would be great to ‘meet’ you in real time.
I lived with the addiction to gamble in my life for 25 years but I hadn’t a clue what it was that was the problem. You are aware and you really can change your life. I hope that talking to counselors is helping you – I found that talking to people who had ‘been there’ helped me. I took too long to wake up and do something to help myself and when I did it was hard but so worthwhile – please don’t waste your life.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Sweet
First of all, I hope to encourage you not to leave this forum which is for Friends and Family only – in this forum ‘you’ are understood. I am not a gambler but I have studied the addiction and I have lived with someone with a gambling addiction.
On this site we have another forum for gamblers who are seeking support and who do want to live gamble-free lives but I know from my own experience that I did not find this forum helpful to me when I first joined this site many years ago. This forum is ‘you’, however, so I hope you will continue to post.
I cannot tell you whether to go on with your relationship, or to leave it because it is important that you make our own decision – this is ‘your’ life and nobody else should tell you what to do with it.
What I can do is offer you an ever-listening ear and a warm understanding. I can possibly tell you the pitfalls of going one way or the other but even these should not be your deciding factor.
If it was me Sweet, I would not marry an active compulsive gambler and move to another country with him where I would not have the support of family or friends. The reason I say this is because unless my fiancé could prove to me that has sought support and was not just telling me what he wanted me to hear I would be extremely unwise to trust him. Your fiancé has an addiction that drastically distorts his reality to fit his personal perception – he will almost certainly use lies and manipulation, as a means of getting what he wants.
When a compulsive gambler uses words like ‘I am cured’ he is either doing it deliberately or unconsciously to mislead those who love him and those who might enable him. Only with treatment and a long-term gamble-free period should a gambler be able to say, ‘I have taken control’ – but never ‘I am cured’.
When your fiancé says, ‘if I want him out of my life I will be the one to break up because he never will’ – he is putting the blame on you – but you are blameless Sweet, your fiancé’s addiction is not because of anything you have done or said. There is nothing you could have done or said that would have made any difference to your fiancé’s addiction.
Whatever your decision, you are not selfish. I don’t know what disease you are talking about in relation to you but I do know that your fiancé’s addiction is definitely selfish and manipulative – only ‘he’ can do anything about it. You cannot save him. The only person who can save him, is himself and there is no magic cure. Telling you that you alone hold his future happiness is untrue – his future happiness rests with him.
He can live a gamble-free life Sweet, he can live a wonderful life but at the moment, I am sorry to say I do not hear him saying the words that mean he is accepting his addiction and if he cannot accept his addiction then he is, in my opinion, not a man that I would trust. Words are not enough, words are easy. Facing the addiction to gamble means taking responsibility for your actions, not expecting others to do it for you, it means acceptance and action.
I hope you will keep posting.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Sweet
I am so sorry that you are feeling and have been given cause to feel, so vulnerable. Sadly, it is common for those who love compulsive gamblers not to find good support in their family. In trying to force you to give up the man you love, I suspect that your father is probably trying to do what he believes is right for you but you are being pulled in two different directions and that does not help you one iota.
Many F&F become so immersed in the addiction of their loved one that they lose sight of what will make them happy forgetting just how important they are. You are important Sweet and you deserve to be happy but at the moment your fiancé’s addiction and your father’s reaction to it, are the reasons you are having so much suffering. In my opinion, you need time to breath without pressure from anybody. Do you have a friend or sibling that you can trust, someone who will not put pressure on you, someone you can talk to about things that make you happy, someone with whom you can share a hobby or interest? Do you have a church or other place of faith where you can go for peace and understanding? Do you have a Gam-Anon group meeting near you?
I am sorry to say that although a compulsive gambler can learn to control his addiction and live a wonderful life, there is no cure and your fiancé is not right to suggest that there is. What leads you to believe that the last time he gambled was a month ago?
I am concerned for you Sweet and I hope you will keep posting. I have not been visible in the forums this past few weeks because I have broken my hip but your post spoke to me very clearly and I felt the need to reply to you. I have found that, in replying to you tonight, I have forgotten the pain in my hip because my mind is not on me which is what should happen when we talk and share with friends.
I can hear your struggle and I can imagine your pain, but in my opinion, it would be good for you to take time just for you. Maybe you could ask your fiancé to try and understand the way ‘you’ feel and that you need peace from being asked to share his gambling problem and hearing about his lack of money. Maybe you could let me know what he says. The addiction to gamble is a selfish addiction and because you are unselfish you are being hurt.
Sometimes when we are being pulled in different directions Sweet, the only way not to be hurt is not to join in with either side but to stand our ground and look after ourselves. Look after ‘you’ because in doing so, you will be doing what is right for you, your family and your fiancé.
Keep posting and speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Little Blue

I do hope you do pop in to a group, it would be great for a real catch up.

Happy New Year to you and your family

As Ever

Velvet

[Author]

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