[velvet]

Hi Sweet
You want to please so much that it is making you very vulnerable.
You don’t want to go to see your boyfriend, you don’t want to hurt him and yet he carries on threatening you without any thought for what ‘you’ feel.
He is a compulsive gambler Sweet and he is using underhand tactics to get what ‘he’ wants. You have absolutely no proof that he is not gambling, you have absolutely no proof that his brother is controlling his finances because he may relapse as ‘a result of the stressful situation with me’. This is blatantly putting the blame for a possible gambling relapse at your door and that is not where it should be – ever.
I think, in view of the heavy pressure he is putting you under it would be good if you told him that you cannot/will not agree to see him. It will be painful but I believe that it is important to draw a line under this unhealthy relationship. I think you need to be strong and say ‘no’ so that you can rebuild your confidence. As long as you are replying to him, he will keep making threats because he is a gambler and he is gambling with your mind, hoping to wear you down in the end and make you do what ‘he’ wants.
I can hear how difficult it is to be in your shoes; sadly you are not the first person I have heard who has to cope with such manipulation – because that is what it is Sweet. He is trying to manipulate you for his own gains.
Are you family supporting you now that they know you no longer want to marry this man? I hope so.
Speak again soon
As Ever
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Diego
Most compulsive gamblers will find a way to gamble even when everything is against them so if your wife it choosing not to go to the casino, when you are home, then she sounds as though she is trying to control her addiction.
It is always more difficult when a culture of gambling is involved. It appears that your wife is surrounded by gambling which will make it much harder for her to control her addiction – but not impossible.
Does your wife accept that she had a real problem? Is she aware of the support that is available for those who accept their addiction and want to change their lives?
Please keep posting, it is much better for you than simmering.
I wish you well.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Kate

It would be great if you could update in the not-too-distant future and let me know how things worked out for you.

Your partner is lucky to have you on his side, even if he doesn’t appreciated it yet.

I wish you both well .

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Fleece
I fully understand your feeling when you say that you can’t ‘stand aside looking at my loved one spiralling down with a company she never used to be a part of just for the glimmer of hope that one day she’ll want to change when she hits the rock bottom, with so many loans that I won’t be able to help her anymore’ – but sadly, if it is a gambling addiction that holds your aunt in it sway then you cannot save her. Trying to save someone with the addiction to gamble usually ends up with the loved one enabling the addiction to grow due to lack of understanding about how to support best.
However, telling you aunt where support is to be found is a great way to help her. Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous web site for her, so hopefully she can recognise her behaviour is something that is recognised and for which there help if she is willing to embrace it.
I wish you well Fleece – I know what it is to feel helpless whilst watching a loved one with an addiction.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Diego
I wonder if your daughter senses your unhappiness over the new-found truth that she is not your biological child. I am sure she would love to have a good relationship with you if she knew that you could still see her as you had always done.
She is innocent in all this Diego and although I know you are too, you hold an important key to her future.
Your wife appears to have an addiction that she didn’t ask for and certainly will not want – a compulsive gambler would love more than anything to be able to gamble responsibly but sadly, for your wife, this will never happen.
27 years is a long marriage and I am sure you have enjoyed a lot of happiness alone the way – unfortunately you now have 2 seemingly insurmountable problems on your hands and only you can decide what you are going to go about them. Personally, I feel that the child needs you to be the father she has always believed you to be, the rock in the middle of what is a very turbulent life, for her, (and you) at the moment. My husband raised my 3 children who are not his biologically. He is he the most amazing Dad and adored by his children. They want to be like him, they want his approval they love him totally. We have had our ups and downs – the teenage years were hard but then growing up is not easy, however, the effort he put in over the years has paid off a million times over. The relationship between them is amazing.
You sound a decent man with a good moral compass – an excellent role model for a daughter whose mother has an addiction.
Finding out about your daughter has obviously knocked your confidence. – If it was me, in your situation, I would give myself time to think before I made any life-changing decisions. As you said, your daughter could become your greatest ally and that could be very special.
I do agree that you have had a raw deal and it is, therefore, important that you make the right decision for your future. Only you can make those decisions and I hope that sharing on here will help.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Kate
What I do hear coming across very clearly in your post is that you have every right to be erring on the side of caution.
The fact that you have never seen him gamble does not make it any less likely that this, or something similar, is occurring.
You are safe in that your finances are not joint so it is down to you how you want to proceed with your relationship. Whatever you decide to do, it is important that you protect your finances at all times.
Compulsive gamblers can and do learn to control their addiction and as a result often live incredibly useful lives, sometimes, in my view, all the better for having the courage to overcome something so awful as an addiction to gamble.
Your friend could certainly do with a friend like you, someone who knows his probably secret and is prepared to stand by him without allowing herself to be controlled by his addiction. It is important to consider your own health and happiness first, however, because the road to overcoming this addiction is tough for both the gambler and the loved one.
Directing compulsive gamblers to good support is invaluable. He probably won’t thank you for it but it is quite possible that he doesn’t know that there is help and understanding for him. We have terrific support on this site and he would be very welcome
I suggest that if your want to keep a relationship with this man that you stay close to support too. You would be welcome in the F&F groups which are on Tuesdays and Thursdays 10pm – 11pm; nothing said in the group appears on the forum and it is good to ‘talk’ in real time.
I would never tell anybody to leave or to stay in a relationship with a compulsive gambler, I believe that each individual has to make their own choice. I would be misleading you if I said that all outcomes were fantastic but I do know of wonderful relationships and very special people who are compulsive gamblers but who do control their addiction,
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Kate

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello SickinSanDiego

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and

[velvet]

HI Fleece
I have read your post through a few times and whereas I can see that your aunt probably has a problem I would have to make a guess at what that problem was based on what you have written – and guessing is not good enough.
It seems to me that the relationship she has with the other woman is not a healthy one but apart from me thinking that maybe she is co-dependent with this person, it would be wrong of me to assume that either woman is addicted to gambling.
This forum is for the families of those affected by someone with the addiction to gamble but apart from your aunt working in a place where there are gambling machines, I cannot hear any evidence of a gambling addiction.
I am sorry that you have this problem and if it becomes clearer to you that your aunt is gambling, I would be delighted to support you.
Look after yourself because regardless of what is happening with your aunt, you do not deserve to be weighed down with so much stress. In my view, she is not your responsibility – you cannot change her, only she can do that and to do that she has to want to change herself.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Bonnie and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Carter and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Sweet
This forum is not just for members going to marry gamblers – it is a forum for those who have been affected by the gambling addiction.
It has seemed to me in your posts that you do not have anybody to talk to and I believe that you need support.
‘Your’ recovery from the experience you have been through is important. I understand why you are hurting and I want to support your through your pain. Please continue to post for as long as you need to – you will always be heard.
In my opinion, your boyfriend has probably shown his true colours to you. Threatening to gamble and throw himself off the balcony is the behaviour of a man with an ‘active’ addiction and not one who is in control. He is demanding that you to take responsibility for his life but you are not responsible for his actions – only he is responsible. If he chooses to gamble – it is not your fault.
I hope in time you will come to realise that you have made the decision that is right for you. I appreciate what you say about your family but I can’t help thinking that your decision is based more on your own concerns than theirs. From all you have said, I think you were right to be concerned.
Speak again soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Emma and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Mjaycee
Does anybody really have control of the way things will turn out for their children? I don’t think so! We plan, we dream but ultimately our children make their own way – sadly your son’s way is difficult but not impossible.
I like your son’s message to you and his seeming recognition that you are not helping each other but with no fault being placed on either of you.
I don’t know how often my son tried to control his life before he eventually succeeded but looking back I am sure I didn’t do or say the right things if he did try. We became estranged M. He went his own way, believing that he was going to ‘show me’ that he knew what he was doing. Did I think about him? Of course I did, everyday – but without his addiction consuming me I began to pick myself up, I went to Gam Anon, I re-found my life.
I love the Serenity Prayer – I also love the following
YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Enjoy your walks M and make sure you notice nature unfolding all around you, embrace your friends and laugh with them, share with Gam -Anon as you have here because you never know who is listening, put fear to bed. You are not alone. When your son realises that his addiction if hurting him enough to determine to change, you will be healthy and in control of your life and able to support him.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Mjaycee

You have done so well already with your son and I am sorry that his girl-friend’s reaction to you was so poor – it would appear she is in denial, in which case there is nothing more that you can do for her. It is always a shame when those around compulsive gamblers choose not to see – it doesn’t help anybody.

Your whole post is a mirror image of my own  experience so I hope that my telling you that my son changed his life 13 years ago and now lives a wonderful happy life in control of his addiction will help you.

When my son accepted his addiction, he told me about the anger he had directed towards me for years and the reason why. He had to blame somebody or accept responsibility for his unacceptable behaviour – I was the closest and therefore the easiest target. Even when he went into rehab he told me that he was still blaming me for everything – fortunately I did not hear it and fortunately those who did hear him recognised that this was his way of deflecting blame.

It is so tough. We have a vision of the way our child will be when he grows up, we give unconditional love and we do all we can to safe-guard their happiness, so why then does this happen to us?

I know now Mj that I was not to blame for his addiction and nor was he. He gambled at an early age with friends and before he knew what was happening the addiction took hold and got steadily worse over the years. I was totally unaware of what was wrong with him apart from sensing his great unhappiness and I was completely ignorant of addiction. I did everything wrong for all the right reasons – I bailed him out, believed his lies, I gave him a roof and an easy life because I thought he would learn from me what love was all about. It didn’t work.

You are not enabling, you are informing those who care for your son that enabling him is wrong; you are not letting him return to your home where he could wreck your life whilst making no effort to change his; you have heard his nasty comments and yet you are still here, loving him in the best way and doing well. I think you are great and I hope that one day your son will tell you that too.

Parenting a compulsive gambler is a sad, thankless and lonely place and it is even sadder because the child is also in a sad and lonely place. He cannot win when he gambles, he will not win because he has an addiction.

I am going to leave this here for my first reply to you and wait to hear from you.

Velvet

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