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Hi Momof2kids
The problem with plastering a smile on your face when you are breaking inside is that you are damaging your own health and that is not good for you, your children or your husband.
When the gambling addiction hurtles into family life it creates such a whirlwind of emotions that loved ones find their minds thinking and worrying about addiction 24 hours a day, they end up on the periphery of someone else’s life, and unable to live in the middle of their own.
Has his addiction caused you to lose touch with friends, hobbies and interests? If so, please try and set time aside for ‘you’ every day to do something that you enjoy that has no connection to gambling whatsoever. This might seem such a pathetically small piece of advice but it works in that you keep your health and your mind in reality for part of the day, giving you time to enjoy ‘your’ life, thus helping you to build up strength to cope with this horrendous addiction.
The addiction to gamble thrives on secrecy. F&F often feel the need to be secretive due to feelings of shame, inadequacy, guilt – but the addiction to gamble is not something that anybody chooses to own, your husband will not want his addiction anymore than you do. There is, therefore, no need for either of you to feel shame, inadequacy or guilt. Do you have close friends or family whom you could trust? If you have, maybe you could confide in one or more, letting them know that you are seeking practical support and that you don’t need advice – just support for you.
It isn’t nerve that helps him lie to your face, it is more likely sheer panic. He is failing very time he gambles and he doesn’t know why so he lies to try and convince you that he knows what he is doing in the hope you will back off and let him find his way to ‘winning’. The addiction to gamble has nothing to do with money and everything to do with ‘the gamble’. All the talk of winning and repaying and making life easier is just talk – it is the gamble that is driving your husband to make such poor decisions in his life.
I suggest that maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gambler’s Anonymous site and ask your husband to read it – or leave it around so that he can see it and know that you are seeking support. The 20-Questions can be an eye-opener to an active gambler in that he can see that he has a recognised problem.
Your husband is controlled, at the moment, by his addiction but you are not – believe me, you are stronger than his addiction even though it probably does not feel like it.
Try and imagine his addiction is a beast in the corner of the room. When you cross examine his behaviour over his gambling, the beast will come between you and suddenly you will find yourself in the middle of an argument without knowing how you got there. The addiction is the master of manipulation and it will seek to blame you for its need to gamble.
Your husband is going to lie about his gambling behaviour so asking him why, etc. is a waste of time.
There is a lot of support available these days for active gamblers who want to live gamble-free. Your husband might not want to life gamble-free yet, believing that his addiction will win for him in the end and sadly if he is not prepared to accept he has an addiction, you cannot save him.
I believe in offering information to gamblers about good support in the hope that something will click with them. It is best to talk about support when your husband is not high on his addiction but when he is in a calmer period between gambles.
I am going to leave this first reply here Mom and let you come back to me with thoughts and any questions.
Your husband can control his addiction or I would not be writing to you. – he can live a wonderful gamble-free life.
I am going to bring up my thread ‘The F&F cycle for you – hopefully it will help you recognise the pattern and help you to know that the confusion in your life is understood here.
Keep posting and hopefully we can soon make you feel a little less lost.
VelvetHi Amy
I think you have every right to feel proud of yourself for standing fast in what sounds like a barrage of nastiness.
If you carry on as you are doing though, he is getting the best support from you and he is lucky to have you on his side.
It is great to see you replying to another member too. I don’t know why but the interaction in F&F has not been wonderful recently. As I am sure you are aware, just knowing somebody else cares and understands can be an amazing tonic.I hope to ‘talk’ to you again in real time soon.
VelvetHI Amy
Well done writing your first post, I know how hard it is.
It is usual for F&F to do all the wrong things for all the right reasons when they are unaware; very few people are really aware of how addiction works unless it affects them directly by which time it has often consumed their lives and the problems seem insurmountable.
Has your boyfriend ever sought help with his addiction? There is a lot of good support nowadays if he should choose to face his demons and live gamble-free – if he couldn’t control his addiction, I wouldn’t be writing to you now.
You are right that it is not the money that is the addiction, money is the means to the end – the ‘gamble’ is all important.
The addiction to gamble causes depression. The nature of the addiction is that the gambler will always lose and therefore constantly feel they have failed. Constant feeling of failure destroys confidence and self-esteem.
It is great that he is playing football, many gamblers give up hobbies and pursue their addiction to the exclusion of all else. Does he bet on sports or watch them for pleasure?
In my opinion, your boyfriend blew his chance of a holiday when he chose to gamble the saved money – you did not make that choice. He is responsible for his choice and his loss. Having said all that, I cannot tell you what to do.
Is there a point to you looking after his money? Gamblers who ask loved ones to take over their finances are hopefully trying to control their addiction and I believe they should be encourage because it is a terrific support to a gambler who wants to live gamble-free. However, your boyfriend is abusing your support and that is not fair on you. If you know you can carry the threat through, try and have a calm conversation when he is being ’sweet’; remind him that he asked you to help him and that you are happy to do so but only if he doesn’t demand money back. If you feel you cannot keep to this arrangement, then don’t make the offer – his addiction is manipulative and sees broken threats from F&F as a green light to carry on regardless.
I am going to stop there in this my first reply Amy because there is a lot to think about. It would be great if you could pop in to an F&F group on a Tuesday or a Thursday evening between 10 pm and 11 pm. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
VelvetHi Dilea
It would be great to get an update from you.
Don’t be apprehensive about him seeing a therapist – if he does he does and if he doesn’t it is just another promise by him that has no substance and can be put into your catalogue of broken promises.
Sadly such lists can confirm that no effort is being made and then you can make the right decision for you, knowing that you have done your best. Thankfully there can also be lists where promises are kept but until then I think you are wise to tread very carefully.
Velvet
Dear Sweet
Your latest post tells me that you are strong enough to get out of this nightmare because you are seeing the lies more clearly – it takes time for the lightbulb moment but I suspect that your light is now well and truly switched on.
How he will pay his debts back is his problem Sweet, not yours – you did not make the choice to gamble, he did, you did not lose the money or run up the debts – he did. Yes, it is hard for him to face his demons but he can do it if he wants to enough and I have not heard once, in all your posts, that he wants to control his addiction enough, for himself, or for you.
If he books his ticket Sweet and makes a wasted journey it is his problem – maybe you could ask your father to speak to him on your behalf. If his brother has covered his gambling losses then that it is his problem.
Why do you feel you ‘have’ to speak to him? You are a free woman, you do not ’have’ to do anything.
Stop the destruction of your life Sweet, live in the light and enjoy it.
VelvetHello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Chloe and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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