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Hi August
I am sure you have done the right thing posting here. You are already talking to people who understand so you are not alone.
Although his family do not appear to be willing to do anything constructively, the fact that they are aware and can therefore support you is good – so many families choose denial and that is worse.
Although your husband has seemingly admitted that he knows he is a gambler with a problem he is almost certainly not accepting it’s severity. Accepting the addiction for what it really is, is very frightening and compulsive gamblers are afraid to take the plunge where they will possibly hear that they can probably never gamble again.
The lie-telling is your husband’s way of coping with the enormity of what is happening to him and your disappointment. The first lie would have been to make you back off and you probably did, thinking whatever it was that he had done was a one-off. The lie gave his addiction breathing space – and so the next lie would have followed and the next, until your husband’s memory became so cluttered with lies, he no longer recognised the truth.
The good news is that you husband can control his addiction, if it was not so I wouldn’t be here. He can be the man he wants to be and the man you want him to be.
It is a great blessing that your finances are separate. The addiction to gamble is all about the ‘gamble’. Money is the means with which to gamble it is not the goal.
Your husband does need the right support. You are correct that you cannot save him but maybe you could direct him. Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20-Questions for him. Gamblers Anonymous is excellent support as is our Helpline, forum and gambler-only groups on this site. Everything is anonymous, non-judgemental and understanding; your husband would be very welcome. As he has said he knows he has made poor decision – what has he got to lose by trying? There are also dedicated addiction counsellors if he is prepared to face his demons.
I think you are saying what so many family members say, which is that the lies are the most painful side of the addiction. Your husband doesn’t realise this and will never understand it while his mind is clouded with addiction.
I have brought up my thread ‘the F&F cycle’ so that you can see that everything you are going through is understood. Your husband didn’t ask for or want his addiction anymore than you. Compulsive gamblers would love to gamble responsibly but they can’t.
Well done writing you initial post, it cannot have been easy. Please keep posting, you are not alone.
VelvetHi Paul
It seems to me that you have to bite the bullet and look at the bank statements. This is your money and your life too.
The fact that she doesn’t appear to want to quit is not a reflection on her feelings for you, if she is addicted then her feelings cannot be fathomed. I believed that the compulsive gambler in my family hated me but when he took control of his addiction, I found that he did love me. I know how hard it is to be confused by the behaviour of a gambler but also know how hard it is to hang in.
I don’t agree with any counsellor who says that you must accept the behaviour of a compulsive gambler – it suggests that he/she is unaware of addiction.
Arguments get you nowhere Paul – they merely sap your energy.
I would be lying Paul if I said that all outcomes are good for those who love compulsive gamblers but if you love your wife then start now as you mean to carry on. You have every right to check the bank statements as Vera has written. If you love your wife then a confrontational-intervention may help, they do work for many.
VelvetHi Paul
It is understandable that you feel sick to the stomach but it is also good that you are asking questions. I hope you will keep asking.
It is quite possible that your wife has an addiction to gamble but it is also important to understand that if she has, then she did not ask for it and she will hate owning it. To admit it, however, would be to accept it, which would bring up overwhelming feelings of guilt, fear and shame – denial is therefore common.
The addiction to gamble is not a bad habit like biting your nails, there is no magic pill to take to stop it and there is no crystal ball for her to see what a gamble-free life can look like. I cannot tell you what to do Paul but I suggest that if you are telling her just to stop gambling then you are wasting your breath – if she could, she would.
The good thing is that she can control her addiction and live a wonderful gamble-free life – if it was not possible, I would not be writing to you now. You could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website and maybe she would see that her behaviour has a pattern and is recognised. There is lots of support for her when she is ready – she can find it in GA; here on this site or with dedicated addiction counsellors. We have a brilliant helpline, forum and gambler-only groups where she would be welcome. The Helpline is one-to-one and as with the groups is private and safe; every member is anonymous.
I think it would be good if she knew that you had asked for support for you – most compulsive gamblers are unaware of the feeling of those around them. It is a selfish addiction but it is also a very lonely one.
I agree with you that it is a waste of money but the addiction to gamble has nothing to do with money. Money is only a tool with which to indulge the addiction – the addiction is the ‘gamble’ itself.
I hope you will keep posting because there is a lot you can do to protect yourself and ultimately your wife. Sadly you cannot save her, only she can do that but as I said earlier she can do it with courage, determination, guidance and understanding.
Speak soon
Velvet
Hi Monica
I think we all invest a lot, probably too much, in our holidays and it is incredibly difficult when we don’t get the satisfaction we desired.
Don’t associate two holidays that haven’t been successful with recovery. There will be great holidays ahead I am sure and they will be all the better for being gamble-free.
I think the only thing good I can see is that you are home and home probably seems more wonderful than it did before you went away – well at least I tried to find a silver lining!!!
Velvet