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Hi Lauren
I too, don’t know how you have slipped through and not had replies.
Please give us another chance and post again.
I hope you found your way to the gym and that maybe you are feeling more positive but however you are it would be great to hear from you again so that the community can support you as you deserve.
VelvetHello Lauren and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Shirley
My experience has been that we ‘think’ our child has dealt with grief or rejection; we do everything in our power to lessen the trauma and we leave the door open for discussion at any time but I do think it is difficult for a parent to start a conversation with a child when the child appears to be coping well and time has elapsed. Sometimes matters appear to have to go desperately wrong before avenues of conversations are opened allowing healing to take place.
I have personal experience that rejection was dealt with by my son when he attended the GMA programme and I have every reason to thank GMA and the staff for the rest of my life for what they did.
Your son certainly has strong reasons to seek support until he is gamble-free; not just to cope with his grief over his sister but any trauma he undoubtedly felt when he was involved in accident himself. Having been involved in an accident in a car myself I know that the trauma experienced can be very confusing.
How did he do when he had his counselling session? Did he tell you about it? It is no reflection on a loved one when a gambler doesn’t want to talk about their counselling because of the emotions that are stirred up – but a counsellor knows how to steer those emotions to a place of safety. If your son has not opened up yet, I suggest you give him time and maybe one day he will want to talk.
It is so easy to keep wanting answers from a child with a gambling problem when they are often not able to give answers. A child in recovery must learn to trust that the parents will listen and not try and tell them what to do or how they should be.
It is good that your son realises that he will need to be proactive in filling his free time – the void left when a gambling addiction is controlled is very difficult to fill. Good counselling will give him the necessary tools to deal with this void.
Keep posting
VelvetHi Chanlon
Your husband is saying a lot of the right things but obviously it is actions that will c o u n t in the end.
Your friend’s words are good – it isn’t enough to say to a compulsive gambler ‘just stop’, they need to know how.
The addiction to gamble causes depression – it is hardly surprising in that it is an addiction that offers only failure to those who own it – they can never walk away until everything is gone because it is ‘the gamble’ that rouses the excitement – not money.
Gamblers are often emotionally immature but with the right support wonderful lives can be lived as a result of taking control of the addiction. The courage and determination that it takes for a person to control this destructive addiction can make for very special lives – I know this to be true.
I like very must that he doesn’t expect you to trust him because he can’t trust himself – that admission alone suggests he is thinking in the right direction.
It is important that if you threaten a compulsive gambler that you are prepared to carry the treat through – not to do so would be a green light to carry on gambling.
Keep posting, you are doing well
Velvet
Hello Anig and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Chanlon
A gambling addiction in the home often turns those who would never have considered such an action to play detective, so there is no need for forgiveness.
I completely understand your thinking when you say to your husband that you want to help him ‘as a friend’ but sadly his addiction will not allow him to hear these words as you mean them. A gambling addiction drastically changes reality to fit the personal perception of the gambler causing him to hear words spoken, with all the best intentions, as white noise from someone who cannot and does not understand.
Please rule out any thoughts of guilt, whatever you decide to do will be understood here. You have come here for support and I will never suggest that you leave or stay – all decisions must be yours as it is important that you re-take control of your own life. Knowledge of your husband’s addiction will give you power over it and I believe that knowledge helps one make the right decisions.
I take it that your husband has never sought any help for his problem – if this is the case and he was my husband, I would give him information on GA, this site and dedicated addiction counsellors. Maybe you could let him know that you are seeking help for you because you are treating his addiction seriously even if he will not.
Lying goes hand in hand with the addiction Chanlon – it is the gambler’s way of coping with those who love them telling them that they know what is going on. Lying and sometimes stealing are not necessary in a gamble-free life and your husband can have that life – if it was not so I wouldn’t be writing to you.
Your husband’s addiction can drag you down with it, if you allow it to do so. Looking after yourself is so important. Many loved ones give up on their friends and interests when they are worrying 24 hours a day about an addiction that they do not own themselves. You are stronger than his addiction, even if you don’t feel that you are.
Keep posting and hopefully pop into a group – it is good to share in real time.
Velvet
Hi SonNee
I can tell you how I think you should cope with your father’s addiction but sadly nobody can tell you that if you do a or b then you will save your father.
You are a fantastic achievement in your father’s life; you are a brilliant light among so many failures that his addiction will have brought him and therefore the most important thing you can do for him is to succeed.
I hope you will write again soon and tell me that you have graduated and that you are going to medical school.
Your plans for him so far have not resulted in your father waking up to his addiction and when that happens it is time to try something different. Therapy groups and dedicated counsellors are marvellous but getting an active compulsive gambler to appreciate them is another thing. Forcing them to go is a waste of time, they must want to change their lives, or nothing will change.
I hope that knowing that you are being heard and understood will give you some support. Your father can control his addiction but he has to accept that he owns it first. Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20-Questions from their website – it might help him to realise that his addiction is recognised and that there is support.
You could also try https://www.oasas.ny.gov/gambling/index.cfm for support.
Please keep posting
VelvetHello Chanlon
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Shirley
I am not suggesting that there is a connection but did your son get counselling of any sort when his sister was killed. He was at a very vulnerable age and many gamblers start gambling in their early teens.
It is great to hear that you and your husband are walking shoulder to shoulder – it is common for couples to have a wedge thrust between them with a CG child.
His words this morning suggest he is ready to tackle his demons – I hope he was still receptive this evening.
This is short but I have just finished my group and my bed is calling – I just wanted to get a reply off to you quickly
VelvetHi Shirley
A compulsive gambler will often feign tiredness and illness giving him time to think out how he is going to answer the next question or to avoid going to work when his addiction has caused him to fail again. Lack of sleep is usually due to his addiction going round and round in his head thinking of how to get money for the next gamble. His misery is more than likely due to his disappointment over a gamble rather than feelings of guilt. It is understandable that you keep saying the same things over and over but the addiction creates so much white noise in his mind that he probably isn’t hearing you. Trying to get him to make sense of his senseless behaviour takes the energy out of you and doesn’t get you anywhere.
Your son can control his addiction even with all the slot machines in the pubs and restaurants but he will need to use the tools he has been given – only he can do this of course. Saying that he is embarrassed about walking into such places to pour his money into slot machines is, I suggest, paying lip service. Once he is triggered he will not feel embarrassment, only a desire to gamble.
I have re-read what I have written and it is a very sorry message – however, as I have said earlier he can control his addiction and that is what is important for you to know. How old is he Shirley? Are you and your husband in agreement about the way you want to support your son? I ask this because the addiction is divisive and it is common for parents to find themselves arguing over who is doing what. A united front is the best thing for your son.
It is important that you sleep at night Shirley. Worry will not help your son but it will affect your health. If you become ill with stress then you will not be able to help yourself or him – it is, therefore, essential that you look after you.
I think that debit cards are ok when there is some appreciation of money but from what you have said it doesn’t seem that your son’s addiction is at that stage yet – money is, therefore, only a means with which to gamble. It doesn’t matter if he gambles with 20p or £2,000, the act of gambling keeps his addiction juiced in his brain. Was the £20, that you put on his card, money that he had earned?
If he does post on this, or another, addiction therapy site, I suggest that you do not read what he has written. A gambler will lie but other gamblers know this – gamblers in control of their addiction will say – ‘you can’t kid a kidder!’ There is often a lot of lies surrounding what a gambler will say in early recovery, even to those who understand him – it only distresses F&F who are wanting to see only truth. His true recovery will start when he is ready – you will not know which is the true one when it starts and nor will he – but start they do.
I really hope you will join me this evening, in a group, or soon because there are things to say that do not appear on the forum.
VelvetHello E18482
Please start a thread for yourself as it is not possible to give you the support you deserve on someone else’s thread.
If you scroll to the bottom of the forum page and click on ‘New Topic’ you will find a box in which to write your story. When you have done that simply give your thread a title and scroll down to ‘save’. Click on save and your thread will appear.
I look forward to reading your post
VelvetHello Shirley
Welcome from me.
It is extremely hard for parents of a compulsive gambler to put in place barriers that their child will not circumnavigate. It is natural to feel you can leave money or valuables around in your own home without fear of having them stolen by a family member – but – when that family member has an addiction to gamble the barriers must be strengthened. There is no shame in your son’s addiction – it was neither his fault nor yours that he owns this destructive compulsion, therefore, protecting him from stealing from you is caring for him as well as yourselves.
He obviously hasn’t put everything in place to avoid temptation – he is visiting pubs where the temptation is massive. I fail to understand why a counsellor would tell you son that he ought to have his own bank card – you are doing everything right trying to protect his finances. What the counsellor ‘actually’ said is, of course, unknown when your son probably distorts what he has heard to fit his personal perception. There is no point in to-ing and fro-ing with him about what is a lie and what isn’t – it is better for you to accept that you cannot believe him at the moment because he has an addiction – it is so wearing always fighting to get any truth. Hopefully it will stop him turning the tables on you if you avoid such conversations for now.
Most compulsive gamblers I know who live in control of their addiction carry ‘debit only’ cards and maybe this is what your son should be considering when he leaves home eventually.
I don’t know what counselling your son has had but it would be usual for a counsellor to discuss triggers with a client anyway. If he really wants to control his addiction then maybe he could look at the GMA residential programme, some details of which are in the lower forums ‘Friends and Family of GMA Residents’ and ‘GMA residential treatment Q&A’. Our Helpline would be willing to communicate with you and/or your son about this support too. I personally know it is amazing. The Helpline is one-to-one and anonymous. We also have terrific facilitated groups for compulsive gamblers which offer judgement free support.
I accept that he believes that moving into his own house will solve his problems but sadly the demons go with him until he has faced them down and determined to truly accept a gamble-free life but his distorted thinking will prevent him from facing this. I also wonder if, him saying this to you, is not just further manipulation to gain more time before he wakes up – which is what compulsive gamblers are prone to do. It takes courage to face this addiction Shirley and your son appears to be lacking the oomph required to take him forward – for the moment. However, I would not be writing to you now if I didn’t know that your son could change his life and be the man you want him to be – and more importantly, the man he would like to be.
It would be great to ‘meet’ you in an F&F group – nothing said in the group appears on the forum – it is safe and you are welcome.
VelvetHello Extremist and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Priloza
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Victor and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!