[velvet]

Hi Strong
You are definitely not an awful person – you are allowing the man you love the space to discover that he alone has to face the consequences of his behaviour -because as long as you stop him taking this responsibility he had no reason to change.
I know it is contrary to what you believe is how you should show your love – you want to nurture and protect. It is a sad truth, however, that protecting a compulsive gambler from hurting himself can often only prolongs the pain.
Because you love him you are standing back – that takes strength.
You ask, ‘Has anyone done the same action?’ and the answer is yes – me. It was not a choice I wanted to make but I had to stand back. The compulsive gambler in my life told me, when he eventually changed his life, that as long as I enabled he saw no reason to face his demons. He was afraid to face them; he believed that he would prove to me that he knew what he was doing – that gambling would save him. Because he has an addiction to gamble, he could not save himself by gambling, he could only spiral down to an abyss of misery, debt and desperation – I would have tried to stop that BS, if I could have done, by enabling but fortunately I went to Gam-Anon and learned that what I was doing was not healthy for him, or for me.
I don’t know how long it will take your loved one to change but I do know that you deserve a life without the addiction to gamble. I know that given time, you will ‘deal’ with it provided you fill you life with friends, hobbies and interests that you enjoy. You are not selfish, you are being selfless and I wish you so much joy in your future.
I hope to talk to you again in real time soon but in the meantime keep looking after yourself and looking forward. Use this past experience as reference only, it is not a good place in which to dwell.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Being Strong
Please start your own thread so that you can get replies that are just for you.
I can’t use someone else’s thread to talk to you and you deserve to get support .
The forum is different to the groups in that replies can be more considered.
Maybe you could even cut and paste a lot of what you have written to Amy – and then if Amy is still reading she may well reply to you.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi B

I couldn’t believe it, my internet connection went down after the group but here as promised:-

YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Hope it helps
As Ever
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Juann
It would certainly not be a surprise if the nasty behaviour was connected to a week of being gamble-free. There is a void to be filled when an addiction is controlled and many gamblers find it hard to fill that void in the early days.
Arguing takes two however, so I suggest that you maybe walk away when you feel the needling starting and tell him that you don’t want to fight. Then, I think, it would help if you busied yourself with something that pleases you. Maybe, a little later you could ask him to join you in an activity letting him know that you care and that you are willing to talk – just not to argue.
I hope perhaps to ‘meet’ you in the group later
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi K

I hope that you willl gain knowledge of your boyfriend’s addiction before you challenge him with any ultimatums.

The list you have compiled, although understandable, is, in my opinion too long – there are too many conditions and I think you will struggle to get the conversation you want.

The addiction to gamble is the master of threats and manipulation – ultimatums made and not carried through will be a green light to your boyfriend who will see a threat, not carried out, as an opening to indulge his addiction because the threat proved idle.

Many family and friends cope by imagining that their loved ones addiction is a beast in the corner of the room – threaten it and the beast leaps out destroying any, or little, hope of sensible discussion.

Those who love gamblers often say what the gambler ‘needs’ but the only person whose needs you can satisfy are your own – your boyfriend does not have your ‘need’. ‘Your need’ him to stop, ‘he believe that his need’ is to gamble.

I have guests arriving any second now and I am trying to get something out to your quickly but sadly I will only have a few grabbed moments over the next few days.

I wanted you to know you had been heard and understood. Knowledge of his addiction will give you power over it – you are stronger than his addiction but trying to force him to change, will not be the answer – he has to want it himself. I will get this off to you now but I will write again asap.

Velvet     I could’t send this earlier, my friends arrived and I had to stop!

[velvet]

Hello K

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Juann
I hope that maybe you were able to chat to our Helpline yesterday but whether of not you did it would be good to ‘meet’ you again in a group.
You say that he is booked in for counselling and hopefully this will be sooner rather than later – how do you feel about walking the extra mile with him now? I cannot say that you should, or you should not because this is ‘your’ life and all decisions must come from you. It is important that we control our own lives if we are to be free and happy.
I hope we can talk again soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Queue

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Azuz and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Radubarlad and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Dear Love Cows
If the next year is going to be as horrendous as you have described then please ensure that your savings are secure and that there are no hidden loopholes to make you liable. You say the repayments to loans he will take out when he gambles again will cripple ‘us’ – does this mean you feel there is a possibility that you could be legally liable for his gambling debts? If this is what you do mean, then I hope you will find a way to legally ensure that you are not liable. It seems to me, that whatever happens, you need legal advice.
Are you afraid of your husband? Are your parents aware of your situation?
It is possible that you unwittingly enable him, it is possible that he will gamble himself into a hole if you leave. It is possible that he could ruin your business. A lot of possibilities that add up to an unsettled and confusing life. I think it might be good for you to keep a journal of his behaviour.
I am not suggesting that you leave or that you stay, I just want you to safeguard yourself and your son both financially and emotionally.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Priloza
I often say that if you don’t know whether to go or to stay in a relationship then it is time to stand still until you do. Use your time to gain knowledge of the addiction that is hurting you and then make an informed decision on your future. You have done this Prizola and although I appreciate that you are sad, I believe that you know that you have made the right decision for you and probably for you husband and for that reason I applaud your action.
It is easy for others to say that the signs were there but I know from personal experience that even with the signs in neon lights, emblazoned across the sky, it is not always possible to recognise a compulsive gambler until it is, often, too late.
Your ex-husband’s family’s denial is, of course, horrible but sadly it is understandable – they probably hoped you would succeed where they thought they had failed. They will have to live with their son knowing that they did not help you but that is their problem – not yours.
I don’t believe your whole relationship was a sham because until your husband learns to control his addiction it is not possible to know what is truly in his heart. A compulsive gambler can love deeply but the unasked for and unwanted addiction is corrosive and all-encompassing. The addiction demands feeding at all costs and grows as it is fed, destroying homes, families and lives. What is in the heart of the gambler cannot be known when he is driven by addiction and out of control.
Use this experience only as a reference Priloza but don’t dwell in that unhappy past – you have a life ahead of you and if you allow it to do so, this experience can be a great education.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi LoveCows Your husband blames you because not to do so would suggest that the responsibility lay with him and he is not prepared to accept responsibility yet for his actions. You say that your husband went on a gambler’s forum – was this a forum to support him because he wanted to be gamble-free? Sadly, as with all groups of human beings, it only takes one bad apple to spoil the common good. The forums and Helpline on this site are regulated and I believe that we offer an amazing service if your husband is willing to listen, I would imagine that when he threatens to kill your livestock that you react with anger and that there are many arguments. An active compulsive gambler can cause an argument just to keep the loved-one confused and subdued in the hope that with their confidence shaken they are more likely to overlook the gambling and be afraid to confront the addiction. It is often good to call the bluff of a person threatening you but I appreciate the difficulty in doing this. If it was me, I think I would find one line of retort and then walk away and do something that pleased me to show him that I am stronger than his addiction – which ‘you’ are. I think I would say something like ‘kill just one creature and I will seek legal advice’, then I would turn and make a happy noise as I indulge in a hobby or something pleasant, or leave the room. It would be necessary for you to carry out the threat if he did kill an animal but calling his bluff, in my opinion, would tell him that you are not going to jump to the tune of his addiction in future. Imagine your son being bullied when he is older, how would you tell him to react? What do you want to do Sarah? What you want does matter, the way you described your relationship in your first post is not a good way to live. Do you have a Gam-Anon meeting near to you – I think it would be good for you to have on-the-ground support. Keep posting, you will unravel your thinking and see your way forward. Velvet

[velvet]

Hi
I won’t write a username in case you are wanting to change – it makes it easier for the GT staff to correct your name to whatever you wish it to be.
Sadly, it seldom makes a difference when a loved one arranges counselling – it is the gambler who should want to seek support and take action because only he can save himself.
You are right that a gambling addiction will take you all the way down with it, if you allow it. From what you have said, I think it is important that you put your finances and your personal possession in your name only. I take it that the car was in his name?
‘He says “I can stop when I want”’ is a common retort from a compulsive gambler; it doesn’t mean that he believes it but is something he will desperately want to believe. A compulsive gambler who loves his addiction will not necessarily realise that his addiction hates him until he has been hurt badly enough.
This site is anonymous so maybe you could ask your husband to contact our Helpline or gamblers only groups – after all he has nothing to lose if he believes he is in control. The Helpline is one-to-one and the groups are private so he will be safe and nobody will judge him.
I assume that your parents are aware of your husband’s problem and that they are supporting you. It is so hard when you love a gambler and they do not appear to want to help themselves but only you can answer the question ‘What is there left for me to stay’?
I do know that your husband can control his addiction but he has to want to do so.
Please keep posting and maybe join me in a group where we can communicate in real time. I hope it helps to know that you are being heard and that you are not alone.
Velvet

[velvet]

HI Rupture
Taking a step forward, and then a step back is typical behaviour of those who love compulsive gamblers and who are trying to do the right thing whilst trying to cope with living with them day to day.
Hopefully every step adds to your experience and helps you see the cycle and more importantly your own reaction to it.
You are right that waiting for a slip is a way of protecting oneself but of course it can become self-defeating. While you are looking for the slip you are not relaxed and it possibly shows.
Ultimatums, unless they are carried through, will never work – they encourage the gambler to think they can get away with indulging their addiction because threats are seen as just hot air.
I suggest that while you don’t know where your present thinking is taking you, that you stand still until you do know. It is possible, that actually separating can act as a tool to shake the gambler into a wake-up call but this carries great risk. If your partner thinks that you don’t need to know everything then separating will not change his mind – it may prove to his distorted thinking that he was right not to trust you.
I am positive that posting will not jinx your situation – I believe it helps to clarify confusing thoughts, hopefully helping you to make the right decision for you and for your partner.
Hopefully you can pop in to another group
Velvet

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