[velvet]

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lianne
Your post tells me that you already have a fair understanding of what to do, so well done.
I will answer your questions in the order you have posed them.
1 CBT can be part of treatment, it can also, in some cases, be a complete treatment. GMA, for instance, offers a residential, holistic, treatment programme which includes CBT. Seeing a counsellor/therapist, once a week may just involve CBT as time is obviously more limited or it may include CBT as part of the sessions.
2 I have never understood why it is believed that relapses are inevitable. A determined gambler can learn to control his/her addiction without a relapse. A slip is not necessarily negative, in that it can re-enforce the need for the gambler to be more vigilant but even a slip is not inevitable.
3 I would never suggest that you leave or stay with your husband – all decisions must be yours. Knowledge of the addiction to gamble is readily available on this site and in Gam-anon, which is the sister group of GA. It will probably be easier for you to make an informed decision when you have gained knowledge of your husband’s problem. Rock bottom occurs only once, it is a mental state and nobody can determine when, or how, rock bottom is to be reached by another.
4 I think I have covered this with point 3.
5 It is unwise to give a compulsive gambler an ultimatum unless you are positive that you are ready and willing to carry out the threat. If your husband is a compulsive gambler then he will own an addiction that is the master of threats, which you are not and nor do you have to be. If an ultimatum is not carried through then an addicted gambler will see a weakness, that can be exploited.
6 I don’t understand why trying to establish if a loved one is addicted, or not, should be called ‘gathering evidence’ unless you are seeking to carry through a threat for legal reasons. In my opinion, gaining knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give a loved one power over the addiction but not power over the addict. An addict cannot be forced to control his addiction – you cannot save your husband but you can support him if he accepts he has a real problem and wants to live gamble-free.
I would not be writing to you if I did not know that your husband could control his gambling and live a wonderful life in control of his addiction – if, indeed, he owns such an addiction. I have known many compulsive gamblers who live in control of their addiction and they are very special people. Learning to control an addiction takes courage and determination, if that courage and determination are carried forward into a gamble-free life then the bad experience can be an amazing force for good.
It is good that your husband’s parents are no longer enabling, whether he is compulsive, or not. A problem that can easily be overcome can become an addiction when it is enabled.
You write about two major incidents over the past year but you say you have been miserable for two and a half years. Do you, therefore, have reason to believe he has been gambling for longer than a year?
I don’t know why you think that divorce is the only option unless you are saying that you no longer love your husband. Divorce is very final – but is it what you really want because only you can know what you really want?
Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gambler Anonymous web site and ask your husband to look at them. If he is addicted it may well open his eyes to the fact that he is not alone but that there is a lot of support for him if he wants to change.
I hope you will post again. If you want to communicate one-to-one, then our Helpline is available and/or you may like to join a Friends and Family group, where we communicate in real time; nothing said in a group appears on the forum. The group is private and it is therefore possible to say things that you may not wish to say in a public forum.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Memelee

I would be delighted to support you. Please tell me which family member or friend you are concerned about and how their behaviour is affecting you..

This forum is anonymous so you are quite safe

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Memelee

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Momo

The more lies a person tells, the more they lose reality – lies consume their memories until lies become their truth. It happens with many compulsive gamblers.

How old is your son Momo? Children sadly do not understand and often think that their parents should be able to sort out every problem – it is only as adults that we realise that nothing is ever that simple. The nature of the addiction to gamble is secretive and divisive which your young son could not possibly understand; he is probably directing his anger towards the person he feels is strongest, the one he feels can protect him and that is you.

I can imagine how difficult to is for you to deal with an attorney who appears to have a strategy in place for disrupting your life so I hope you will get an attorney who will be understanding of your position – can any of your friends recommend one?

From what you say, it would appear, that your husband is not receiving counselling; if he is then he is not listening to any advice. A dedicated addiction counsellor would disabuse him completely from using his mother’s gas card, which is blatant enablement.

I am not opting out but I cannot tell you what to do. It is important that you make your own decisions for your future when you are seeking to recover from a bad experience. You are aware now about what is hurting you and as I have said before you are stronger than you think you are and stronger than your husbasnd’s addiction.  . Make a pact with yourself not to be diminished or laid waste with fear and you will make the right decisions for you and your children.

I suggest that it is good to keep a journal of your husband’s behaviour – a lot of what you have written in your first posts is an excellent start. It helps when seeing an attorney to know what it is that ‘you’ want and what you do not want.

My thoughts are with you

Speak soon 

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Purple

I must have missed the bit where you demeaned yourself for snooping – the only thing I read was a person trying to get the truth when they were being lied to.

It is quite a story – son saves mother and now son can throw the past back at mother whilst using her situation to deflect his own poor behaviour, however, the mother cannot support her son because he saved her!

I like the analogy of the beast of a man/child. I think it is good to treat an addiction as a beast, lying in the corner of the room waiting for any words that threaten it. I know that too many words give the gambler more opportunity to twist them so I suggest you keep your punches brief – if you mean it when you say that your “answer was that as long as he does it and looks at it as a sacrifice for ME, he isn’t ready to quit. And I don’t want him back until that day. And when and if that day comes, it will involve actions this time” is brilliant provided you keep to it and don’t allow further too-ing and fro-ing – gamblers generally relish arguments giving them the chance to twist, blame and demoralise.

I think it is important for you to know what you intend to do if you cannot carry your words through.  Don’t get caught by finding yourself with a sudden rush of forgiveness, think in advance so that you do not give the upper hand back to his addiction.    It isn’t easy but refusing the addiction to gamble, of someone you love, in your life will never be easy.

It seems to me that he thinks he has all the answers to deflect you from his addiction and I think you are doing really well not rising to his unpleasant words because that is all they are Purple – they are words spoken by an addiction.

It is impossible, in my opinion, for FF to handle living with a compulsive gambler ‘perfectly’. Those who love gambling addicts can spend years doing the wrong things for all the right reasons but you are doing well.

I do know why you dumped this in cyber-space and I am glad that you have.

Please keep posting

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Momo
I hear in your husband’s threat to meet with a divorce attorney a classic compulsive gambler’s threat. I believe that he knows he will cause you to be in so much fear for the future of your children that you will be deflected from the real issue in hand. You ‘know’ you are not to blame but he is a bully Momo and he has you running scared.
Of course, that is an assumption and assuming anything with a compulsive gambler runs a risk but if it is at all possible, I hope you will ignore what is just words today and focus on your own health and whatever your children are doing today. If he brings you down then you will not be able to help yourself or your children.
I would never say to anybody that they should leave or that they should stay with a compulsive gambler. What I do believe is that when confronted with a situation like this it is important to stand still and gain as much knowledge as you can about the addiction your husband owns because knowledge will give you power over it.
I think at the moment you are feeling powerless but you are not. You are the mother of children, you are their role model, their security and their future. I can think of little else that is more powerful.
With regard to his family – they probably do know that your husband has an addiction but how much easier it is to blame you and have you take the blame, than to accept the truth. Look at those who are judging you and decide for yourself if their opinions really matter – I suggest, they do not.
When people are determined to find fault with you and judge you regardless of the truth, the only way to win, is not to play the game.
Compulsive gambler do lie, they lie to those around them and to themslves to hide their addiction because if they accept they are compulsive they will have to take responsibility for their poor behaviour and that they do not want to do.
Do you have support from your family and friends? Have you lost friends and interests because of your husband’s addiction? If you have then stand still and take stock – we can only live one day at a time, we cannot change the past but we can change ourselves.
I have many more things I would like to say to you but I know myself when I first found out what had been hurting me for 25 years I could not take it all in at once.
You can live out of the shadow of the addiction to gamble Momo – just for today, think of yourself and how important you are to you children. You probably will not believe this but you are stronger than your husband’s addiction, you are a mother and mothers have backbones of steel. Sometime mothers can find they are bent with the problem of another but you will straighten up again because as you so rightly say, you have been honest and you have done nothing wrong.
One final thing Momo – a compulsive gambler is the master of threats but you are not. Never threaten anything you know you cannot carry through or want to carry through. Tit for Tat is not good.
Keep posting, you have done really well writing this post
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Purple
I don’t hear anybody whining – I would be voluble too if another person was destroying my heart and self-esteem.
Loving a compulsive gambler does destroy self-esteem and in turn that often creates a vulnerable, unwitting enabler.
Some compulsive gamblers do go on and change their lives in another relationship but without treatment, what is the fundamental difference? I suggest that a future relationship does not include enablement.
You describe your boyfriend as handsome, fun and charming – if he was not, would you be less likely to enable him? I have known many handsome, fun-loving charming gamblers and I have seen many intelligent, fun-loving ladies hearts destroyed by their loved one’s addiction. I have even heard one such lady say how dull her husband had become without his addiction and she wished he would gamble again! Fortunately, he was enjoying life in control of his addiction and regularly attending GA – he did not want to go back to the relationship that he had previously.
Draftkings is gambling whatever your boyfriend says. So often F&F say that their loved one ‘needs’ to stop gambling without realising that their loved one’s ‘need’ is to gamble. Until that gambling has hurt him enough, he will probably see no reason to stop.
You cannot make your boyfriend stop gambling Purple but what you can do is to refuse to allow his addiction to drag you down with it. You write that he ‘borrows’ money from family, friends and you – lending money to a gambler is enablement, which allows his addiction to be fed and to grow. Anybody who lends money to a compulsive gambler is clearing his gambling debts, making it easier for him to continue without acceptance of his problem. A gambling addiction gets worse without an acceptance that there is a real problem. Until enabling ceases there is no reason for him to face his demons – facing them takes courage and determination – it is not easy – especially while his friends and family are preventing him from accepting his problem.
Do his friends and family know he has a problem, or do they know but don’t want to see it?
I am concerned that your self-esteem is low. Please look after yourself and do things that please you, things that your boyfriend’s addiction have possibly prevented you enjoying – keep friendships alive, enjoy hobbies and interests – every day set time aside just for you. Keep reading here and learn about the addiction to gamble, you do not own it and you do not have to be brought down by it.
Recognise your own importance because you are a unique, caring, loving person who deserves to be treated well. You have done really well writing this post, I know it can’t have been easy and I hope you will continue to post.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Amy
You have quite a lot of interest in your posts which is great.

I’ve miss you in the group

An update would be great

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Purple

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Moose and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Arkkk and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Marcoll and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Momoftwogreatkids
You ask how another member gets strength to act – I believe that joining this forum is an excellent way to gain strength.
Unfortunately, you have not started your own thread and so I am unable to give you the support that you deserve because that would be wrong on somebody else’s thread.
Please start your own thread – scroll to the bottom of the forum page and click on ‘New Topic’, write a title for your thread and put your post in the box – you can copy and paste the posts you have sent to other members if it makes it easier. Scroll down and click on ‘save’ and your message will be heard.
There are many ways to gain strength Momo – not least sharing with those who understand and do not judge. I hope you will start your own thread – it will be great to support you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi BS
I am definitely in the next F&F session.
I think I might have said this before but it is good to direct compulsive gamblers to the right support, such as GA or dedicated counsellors or rehabs. Maybe you could find out if there is anything in your area.
It is possible that he just doesn’t know where to turn to get the tools to help him control his addiction. He might not want to know which is also common – he might just be offering lip-service to make you feel sorry for him.
You think logically and can possible find the support for him that he either doesn’t want to know about or doesn’t know is there.
Hopefully we will ‘speak’ again tomorrow evening
Velvet

[Author]

Posts