[velvet]

Hi Kat
Your words, ‘so I have chosen to handle it differently this time’ could have come from the mouth of any addiction counsellor – when all else fails it is definitely time to try something different – this is also true for gamblers.

All the shouting, pleading, crying, threatening came to nothing, so this time you are looking at your concerns in a different light. You are not saying ‘what did I do wrong’, or ‘you need to stop gambling’, which was a waste of energy because you did nothing wrong and you couldn’t make your husband stop gambling – but you are looking at your own behaviour and realising how it affected you detrimentally.

The anger, betrayal and resentment will gradually diminish, if you allow it; try not to let it be dependent on your husband’s recovery. You are important, your health is important – the healthier and happier you are the easier it is for your husband to face his own demons and the easier it is for you to move forward with your own life.
Your husband is saying many of the right things now – the fact that he wants to replace the feel-good feelings he got. from making a bet. with ‘normal’ things is very encouraging.

I have a concern that he and maybe you, are placing a lot on a 90-day goal. I appreciate that 90 days is an easier thought to cope with than a ‘life-time’ – but 90 days must not be the be-all and end-all. When 90 days has passed and it is felt that a goal has been reached, it is easy for complacency to set it.
I wouldn’t suggest that your husband should be told not think in terms of a 90-day ambition which is possibly an idea from his GA meetings but maybe ‘you’ could start thinking in terms of ‘one day at a time’ because every single gamble-free day is a step towards freedom from his addiction.

I love your planning and I hope to hear how life improves for you.

I write about ‘my CG’ in general terms because it has often been said in this forum that one CG/F&F relationship is worse, or better, than another but this is not so – forum members come from different walks in life but we all live with, or have lived with, the same addiction. For each of us, the more knowledge we gain, the more we learn to cope with ourselves and our loved one. My CG is in fact my son but my support for all family relationships is the same.

I think it is good for all of us who have lived with the addiction to gamble that we understand that we too collect baggage along the way. We can save ourselves, however, we do not need to go to GA ; we do not need to affirm every day that we will not do the thing that we thought was important to our happiness; we do not need to re-evaluate the minutiae of our lives.

We have logic and we have reason Kat; we can survive and survive well. Your baggage can be dumped, you don’t need it, there will be no need to examine it. I never do ‘what if’s or ‘if onlys’, I use the past for reference only, I never dwell there. I would have achieved my recovery, (whether or not my CG achieved his), after I started learning about his addiction and realising that there was nothing I could have done that would have made any difference and that I was allowing myself to be controlled by his addiction. Your recovery is different to your husband’s but in my view it is equally important.

Young children will adapt. Their father is doing everything in his power to live a better life and that takes courage and determination. I look forward to hearing that just for today he is gamble-free.

I might not get the chance to write again before I go on holiday but I will be back in two weeks and keen to see how you are doing. You will be in my thoughts.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Kat
It is hard for a compulsive gambler, who really wants to control his addiction and believes he is at last doing everything right, when he feels that those around him can’t just forgive and forget – but superhuman we are not and I would imagine you have experienced years of pain before this possible recovery.
Some years ago, another member put the following on her thread. I hope it helps.
• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

• Forgiveness isn’t easy.

It is possible that your husband’s anger towards you is designed to deflect his anger from himself. If he is accepting his addiction and beginning to take responsibility for years of poor behaviour, then guilt may be weighing heavily on him and guilt makes healing harder.
I won’t pretend that any of this is easy Kat – I think in many ways it is worse than actually living with the addiction when it was active!
I’m not sure your husband needs to see a psychologist – controlling the addiction takes time but the things you describe all sound like they are part of his addiction – I can certainly relate to having seen paranoia, anger and anxiety. Perhaps in time, if he wants more support, he might feel he would like to talk to someone other than his sponsor and this would, in my opinion, be the time to find a dedicated addiction counsellor.
15 days is still a drop in the ocean compared to years of addiction – your husband will almost certainly be impatient which is normal with a CG – unfortunately only time and constant awareness of his behaviour will give him the gamble-free life he seems to want. However, gamblers usually feel a void when they seek to control their addiction, which is one of the hardest things they have to contend with and which, if left untreated, can result in a slip or relapse. Maybe you could talk about things that he would like to do with his gamble-free life, what hobbies he would like to take up, what things he would like to do with you what things you would like to do with him, such as going out for a meal or taking the children to a park/ leisure centre/sea-side/wildlife park. If recovery is all about talking about the past it is hard to look forward to the future. The past is what you both make of it, you can use it to hurt yourselves or others, or you can use it to make you strong.

I understand your feelings and your reaction, but your husband’s lack of understanding is common to many CGs. Maybe you could ask him to put his concern about your reactions to his sponsor. His sponsor has probably been gamble-free for some time and should know the problems that family members have. Your husband will probably accept it better from another CG.

It seems that I am telling you to do all the understanding and I am sure you are fed-up being the one who has to do all the understanding. Anger is natural and very understandable but I suggest that you try and avoid fights, which are a waste of breath and energy. The addiction to gamble erodes logic and reason which means your husband will probably be struggling with understanding many of the things that you take for granted. The only coping mechanism he has known for years is probably to demoralise and blame the person closest to him. Walk away if you can and go and do something that you enjoy but maybe tell him that you will talk later when the anger, for both of you, has abated. Keeping the door open to calm communication does more good, for both of you, than all the fights.
Keep posting – while there are changes, even if they are small, there is hope. You are doing well in a difficult situation.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Kat

It would be great to say to you -yes, I believe your husband has got it but sadly, to date, I do not own a crystal ball.

It takes time to know if a recovery is a true one or not. I waited, just like you, for my life to implode when the CG in my life changed his life over 13 years ago, (after 25 years of active gambling). .  His success means that I can say to you that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives played out as a result.

I think the biggest signal for hope, for you, is when your husband’s behaviour changes and only you can know when that is. Is he available when you phone him, is he more attentive to your needs, does he lie about the simplest things? In other words, – what is he doing that is different this time?

Does you husband tell you what happens at his meetings, have you ever attended a GA meeting? I was amazed when I eventually plucked up the courage to go into a GA meeting – I heard so many other people expressing the same concerns, fears, failures, as my CG – I felt less alone. I also attended Gam-Anon which gave me my sanity back and helped me to move on with my life.

Many gamblers do not talk about their meetings or their struggle to control their addiction for fear that they may fail – but your husband telling you how he feels is not as important as the actual changes in his behaviour.

I walked the extra mile a long time ago – I had so many doubts and fears but I watched and I waited – so I know how hard this is. If your husband has turned the corner then it is great if you can support him. He should know how hard it is for you but I doubt that he will – his focus will be on his recovery. In my opinion, trust takes a long to time to rebuild and should not be hurried. There will probably be a few doubts along the way. I remember telling my CG after a very long time that I forgave him – he said that he would never have asked me for forgiveness but for me the time eventually felt right.

When and if doubts arise, I suggest that you ask your husband to talk to his sponsor about ‘your’ concerns – his sponsor should be able to help him realise that occasional doubts are to be expected. I asked my CG to help me to get things right – this worked well for us in that it showed my willingness to learn and more importantly, I think, to listen. Keeping communication open is so important.

Keep posting, I would love to hear how you are doing.

I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes :- You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing, there will be no results – Mahatma Gandhi

I wish you, your children and your husband all the joy that can come when the addiction to gamble is defeated.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi RG

You are a unique and special person with an actively addicted husband; in no way are you worthless.

Your husband did not and does not choose his addiction, he neither asked for it nor wanted it but sadly for him and you, when he first gambled, (as so many people do without a problem), addiction was waiting for him. I know it is hard to understand but he doesn’t deliberately want to hurt you.

Your husband doesn’t want anybody to know that he gambles because he wants to carry on without taking responsibility. The addiction to gamble thrives on secrecy and depends on loved ones covering up but I believe that loved ones need all the support they can get. Do you have any close friends or family that you could confide in – it will hopefully be easier to confide when you know that there is nothing to be ashamed about and that nobody is to blame? Maybe you could tell them that you are gaining knowledge of the addiction to gamble and you don’t need advice but you would welcome support and friendship just for yourself.

Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website and leave them for him to look at – it might help him to realise that his addiction is recognised and understood but that there is a lot of support for him if he wants to change his life. Our Helpline is available to him, it is one-to-one, private and non-judgemental. If he is confident that he can handle his gambling then he has nothing to lose by contacting them.

There is nothing that I can say that will stop your husband gambling. Maybe you could tell him that you have sought support for yourself because you are taking his problem seriously even if he will not. Many gamblers do not think that their loved ones need support! Like you, I find the word ‘sorry’ totally inadequate, it is only actions that prove real regret. All the promises in the world c o u n t for nothing if a gambler is actively addicted. Does your husband ever accept he has a problem even if he doesn’t accept its severity?

You cannot save your husband sadly but you can look after yourself and your children – they naturally love their dad but in time they will see that he is constantly letting them down. You are the role model; you are their rock.

It might be that your husband’s addiction has to hurt him before he wakes up to the enormity of his addiction, however, you are aware now and you can take steps to improve your life. Do something for yourself every day, something that takes your mind away from your worry – see friends, take up hobbies or renew interests that you have lost because your mind has been focusing on his addiction.

I hope you will keep posting, I am sorry that the forum is so quiet at the moment but I can assure you that I do listen and will always respond. I am going on holiday for 2 weeks starting next Saturday but I will look for you as soon as I get back. I will of course respond this week if you post again shortly.

My thoughts are with you

Velvet.

[velvet]

Hi Amanda
I would love to meet you in the group tonight at 10pm, it is private and safe. There are so many things I would like to talk to you about. You have come to the right place. Well done writing what must have been a difficult post.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Momo
I am so sorry that you have had such a difficult time trying to get your brother to believe you. The addiction to gamble is divisive and depends on secrecy which makes it is almost impossible, in my opinion, for those who have not lived with it day in and day out, to understand what it is like to do so.
I hope you have better news regarding your old high school friend’s husband, you really need legal advice, which I cannot give.
It is so frustrating to talk to a wall – I hope that by avoiding confrontations with your husband you are feeling more in control of your life and less in the eye of the storm?
As long as your husband does not accept his addiction and consequent poor behaviour then he can convince himself that every day is a new day and nothing ever happened; sticking his head in the sand is the easiest way for him to avoid taking responsibility.
I lived with the addiction to gamble for 25 years Momo and for 23 of them I was unaware what the problem was. I believed that provided I kept showing love, then love would conquer all – it didn’t work. It is with knowledge that we eventually make the right decisions for ourselves and retake control of our lives. You are aware of what is hurting you and your children and you are able to do the right thing for you and for them – and from what I am reading you are already doing the right things.
I think that it is important to use a bad, past experience as a reference to help the future but it is equally important not to dwell in that past. Making something good out of something bad seems to me to be a kick in the teeth of addiction and that pleases me. I believe, it is often a mother’s lot to be ‘on duty’ but your children will have benefited from you being strong – and I do mean strong, not sober and unfun!
When you feel you are not part of the in-crowd, it is possibly time to look at the most important relationship of all – the one you have with yourself. I also think it is important to look at those who make you feel unloved and ask yourself if their opinion really matters – are they so much in control of their lives and happiness that you would like to be like them? – I think not.
Given time you will be able to release the fun-side of Momo that I am sure exists but has been squashed by circumstances.
I look forward to hearing from you – you are a unique and special person so believe in yourself.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Butterfly
I would hate for you to end up on the streets because of your common-law’s addiction.
I cannot offer you the support you deserve on someone else’s thread Butterfly but I would love to be here for you so maybe you could start your own thread and allow me to walk with you.
Scroll to the end of the forums and click on ‘New topic’, write your post in the box and give your thread a title, scroll down and click on ‘save’. Your thread will appear in the forum and I can then support you.
I hope you will give us a try – there is no need for you to feel so alone with this worry.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Djp
I believe that nobody should tell you to leave or to stay because you must do what is right for you but with knowledge of your boyfriend’s addiction you will be able to make an informed decision.
Has your boyfriend ever sought help for himself, he might not be aware of the amount of support available to him? Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers anonymous web site and ask him to look at them – it might help him to focus on his behaviour.
Perhaps you could ask him to look at this site and maybe call our Helpline or contact our CG groups – everything we offer is anonymous and non-judgemental.
Whatever you decide, it is so important that you look after ‘you’ Djp because you will not be able to help yourself or your boyfriend if you sacrifice your own health. Don’t be afraid to make the decision that is right for you.
Please post again and let us know how you are doing. It would be great if you would join me in an F&F group –nothing said in the group appears on the forum, it is private and safe.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Momo
I spent a long time last night composing a reply to you but my time has run out and I can’t finish it – I am going away for 10 days and the car is laden and waiting. I will send you a little of what I have already written and when I return I will write again
Please don’t ever think of yourself as ‘just a mother’ again; take another look at yourself, you have the important job of raising children and you are doing it without the emotional support that you deserve. You have tried to be a good wife to someone who his obviously very selfish and who has a gambling addiction – that to me sounds like a brave woman struggling in a world that she did not sign up to.
When we lose our self-esteem because we have allowed ourselves to be squashed by a bad experience, it is easy to assume that we are not liked – we feel that we are lesser people than we should be. If we are not feeling bright, witty and in control of our lives then it follows that we will think that those around us see us as sober and unfun – we forget how we felt when our confidence was high and the future shone bright. Living with an addiction to gamble can destroy self-esteem and confidence but it does not have to be irrevocable – it is within your power, as it was in mine, to turn your bad experience into something good.
Look after yourself
As Ever
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi GD
It seems to me that the person most affected by your father’s poor behaviour is your mother, is she seeking any support for herself?
I think that you are right, there should be consequences for your father but how far is his family prepared to go? Is your father still getting food, drink and warmth in the home he shares with your mother and if so, is it possible for your mother to stay with somebody else for a while, to give her a break so that she can recharge her batteries?
When you confront your father on issues such as him saying that he has been told that he does not have a gambling addiction, it is good to be concise about your disbelief and not to join in a discussion with him. Gambling addicts often enjoy an argument because they create opportunities to pass blame. make excuses and demoralise. Short comments such as telling him that you will only be ready to listen to him when he tells the truth and then walking away and doing something that pleases you, is better than trying to make him listen when he plainly has no intention of listening.
Your father is choosing his addiction and as long as he makes that choice you cannot save him, however, your mother has not chosen to live with his addiction controlling her life. You write that she has had enough but what does she want to do, what does she feel she can do? Is she of a similar age to your father?
Sadly, not all outcomes are good and sometimes difficult choices have to be made. I’m sorry I cannot tell you what to do, your mother has to decide what she wants to do as part of taking back control of her own life. I hope she knows that she is not at fault, there is no shame or blame to be allocated.
It would be great if you, or your mother, could join me in an F&F group – communicating in real time is often a great way to off-load. Our Helpline is available to you as well – it is private and one-to-one.
Speak soon GD
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Anonymous
Sometimes just getting things down in writing helps, so I hope that writing your post gave you some welcome relief.
We are not negative in this forum Anonymous, I wouldn’t be here if I thought for a minute that the addiction to gamble could not be controlled.
It seems that some gamblers take for ever to get the message but it certainly helps when all those who care about them stop enabling. Who is bailing your mother out and why? I am not being negative when I say that you are right that you cannot stop your mother gambling and that you are also right when you say you cannot stop others enabling her – but is it possible for you to make those people aware that they are harming your mother – to really bring it home to them the long-term damage they are wreaking. These are facts not negative comments.
I cannot tell you when your mother will have had enough but as long as there is no incentive for your mother to focus on controlling her addiction, I suspect her behaviour will worsen.
Do you have siblings or friends who feel as you do, or are you alone in your struggle with your mother’s addiction.
Your mother has an addiction and needs good support; your problem appears to lie with those around you mother who are not supportive. She is obviously unhappy – I suggest you get those around your mother to rally round and help her in a positive way rather than making recovery more difficult for her.
Please post again and let me know how you feel. It is not unusual for a gambler to receive treatment and then seem to reject the tools they have been given but some of what she has heard from the counsellors will still register with her and needs to be built upon by those who care about her. Positive action and support from those around her is needed.
It is important not to make every conversation about gambling – once again positive talk about a happy future is great, talking about holidays, friends, hobbies, family – in fact all the things she could have if she takes a leap of faith and becomes gamble free.
I wish you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Momo

I have read your post so many times and I grieve that I cannot help you more but I hope you appreciate I cannot give legal advice.

I really hope you can find a great attorney who is not asking for such a big retainer. The one you have spoken to has made some good points and has not led you to believe that things will be easy but I hope that good will overcome for you because you deserve it.

I hope you will keep using this site as a place to come and off-load, knowing that you will always be heard and understood. If there is anything I can ever say to you to make things easier for you I will do my best to oblige. Don’t bottle your emotions up, you are safe here.

Don’t waste your energy trying to make sense of compulsive gambling because there is no sense to be found. Keep your energy for you and your children.

You have the words of this attorney to help you, I hope you will know that you have this site to support and care about you. There is a wonderful life waiting for you when you come out of the shadow of your husband’s addiction and I hope that you will still be posting when you emerge into the sunlight, so that I can share your relief.

You are stronger than his addiction Momo, you are logical and reasonable and not clouded by distorted thinking so please look after yourself and keep yourself occupied with good things. Don’t let his addiction and poor behaviour bring you down; you and your children are worth so much more.

Speak soon.

Thinking about you

As ever

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Onlyty
I am so pleased you have found your way here to ask for support.
If you feel you cannot trust your son’s answers, then it is important that you listen to your gut instinct because when it comes to gambling you are probably right.
It is so hard to approach a child that you suspect is gambling, you want him to talk to you and you don’t want him thinking he can get away with his problem but you know it is so easy to distance him. You are right in not wanting to distance him – but – you must also be strong for his sake. Learning about his ‘possible’ addiction will definitely give you power over it but it takes time and you will need patience.
There is a possibility that your son won a lot of money in the early days and he thought he could repeat that success. Sadly, if he is a compulsive gambler, he wouldn’t know that he had a problem straight away and the compulsion could run away with him. Winning for a man with a potential addiction and unaware he is vulnerable is, in my opinion, a loss not a gain – he believes he can do it and in the end he cannot walk away until all is lost.
Once the addiction has taken hold any amount of money given to a gambler feeds his addiction, there is nothing too big and nothing too small.
Do you have a good relationship with his girlfriend?
Did he pay the money back that he ‘borrowed’?
He has admitted to you that he has a problem and I think it would be in order for you to ask him if he has sought any support for himself since he admitted this to you.
It is a tough message for a mother but the tears from someone with a gambling problem are usually the tears of regret, for themselves, tears that the gamble they enjoy is not working for them – not sorrow for the worry and hurt they are causing those who love them. ‘If’ he does indeed have a problem then the problem can distort his thinking to fit his personal perception but it is not deliberate.
The gambling addiction has nothing to do with money, money is a means to an end. The excitement comes from the ‘gamble’ only and this is what is hard for F&F to comprehend.
I am not going to write any more in this first reply Onlyty – I know it takes time to take all you hear on board and it is very distressing. I would love for you to join me in an F&F group – we have one tonight between 10 and 11pm and again on Thursday. It would be great to speak to you in real time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum, it is safe and private.
Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website. If he raises his worry again then perhaps you could ask him to look at them – if he has a real problem, he may identify with the questions and realise that there is a lot of support for him.
Hopefully you have seen the early stages of his problem but without seeking to worry you further, it is important to be aware that unless a gambling problem is treated it gets worse, never better.
Please keep posting. You have done well writing you first post.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Cathy
Saying ‘no’ is so hard isn’t it and yet it is such a small word? You mother is manipulative and knows just how to push your buttons and I’m sorry to say that soothing words from another, possibly cannot take away your pain and confusion but you are retired now and in my opinion, you deserve a better relationship than the one your mom is offering you. Have your tried saying ‘no’ and sticking to it? Maybe it is worth a try.
Your mother says she has no food but do you know whether this I true or not?
Cathy, you know you have been a good daughter, you know you are not selfish, judgemental and mean – look at the person saying these things and ask yourself if her opinion really matters or is it the rambling of someone with an addiction and possible dementia? When your mother is determined to find fault with you and judge you regardless of truth; the only way you can win is not to play the game. In my opinion it is time for you to stop being the target for your mother’s cruel and unnecessary remarks, you don’t deserve them.
Please keep posting, you are in my thoughts
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Rupture
I agree that you should not be surprised that he is still gambling but sometimes, I think, it is impossible not to be amazed at just how serious the addiction to gamble is and not to be surprised when it rears its head again.
You want to believe him just as we all want to believe those we love and that is what makes it easy for us to be fooled over and over again. However, you are no fool and you will find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Things probably didn’t get any better, I suspect your boyfriend just learned to hide it better – but now you are aware, what do you intend to do? It is important to know what it is that want Rupture.
Are you handling the finances?
Sadly, if he doesn’t take action, then nothing will change and you could still be here in 5 years – I know that is not the future you envisaged for yourself.
Keep posting Rupture – the more knowledge you gain about his addiction the easier it becomes to make the decision that is right for you. He is putting his addiction first, so it is important that you put yourself first because you, your health and happiness, matter very much.
Velvet

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