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Hello Nosafe and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Matthew and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Boris and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Ilaria
One of the greatest things about sharing is the realisation that you are not alone.
Your boyfriend making this so-called report to the police is as unlikely as me being a monkey’s uncle! It is not just illogical thinking; it is an actively addicted gambler’s manipulation and doesn’t surprises me in the least.
If it happens again, I don’t think there is any point in going through your bank accounts to prove anything – you have nothing to prove. Always keep in your mind that you are telling the truth and his words should go over your head.When your boyfriend spouts off with lies it is good to stand back and just listen without trying to argue because arguing only brings you into an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control – once you begin to put your side then his addiction has something to get its teeth into.
Many F&F have successfully used the analogy that the addiction is a beast lying in the corner of the room, watching and listening for any opportunity to leap out and unleash its twisted version of the truth. As long as you keep your cool, the beast will stay quiet but once an argument starts, it will seek to take control of the conversation and all you will hear is the beast speaking. This might sound a little negative but the positive side is that it keeps you out of the eye of the storm and allows you time and energy to look after yourself.
A CG, who lives in control of his addiction told me that when F&F speak in can be like hearing white noise – so as long as you are putting your side, your boyfriend is not hearing what you are saying. His addicted mind will be drastically altering your words to fit his personal perception.
There is a lot of support for your boyfriend so although I paint a gloomy picture, I always have hope that good will come out of evil. I am only here because I know that compulsive gamblers can control their addiction and lead wonderful lives but it takes courage to face the gambling demon and sadly many gamblers resist trying until they lose all hope themselves.
Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous web side for him. They can help a gambler to see the severity of his actions. Although this is obviously not always the case.
I look forward to ‘meeting’ you tomorrow evening
VelvetHi Vera
I know I sound like a crumbly old parrot who should have been put out of her misery years ago but I really am only here on this site because I know you can live gamble-free and I will keep saying it until I drop off my perch.
You can say that I don’t understand until you are blue in the face – but in return, I want you to know this – I care.
I suppose all I want to say is ‘keep trying, keep determining, never give up on yourself’.
VelvetHi Girlfriend
Giving cash to a compulsive gambler is the same as giving an alcoholic a drink and I know you would not do that. It doesn’t matter if it is a small amount such as, just enough to put petrol in the car, or thousands of pounds – cash is the tool required for a gamble and it is the ‘gamble’ that excites the gambler and keeps him in his addiction.
It is hard keeping cash and savings away from someone you love, someone you want to trust very much but when this addiction is in your life it is important that you protect yourself and your finances.
Your boyfriend is asking you for help which suggests that he accepts he has a problem and this is good. In my view it is better to seek the right treatment for your boyfriend, rather than hypnotherapy – such as a dedicated gambling addiction counsellor, GA, and/or the Helpline and CG groups on this site.
Keep posting Girlfriend, you are doing well and your boyfriend is lucky to have you supporting him but it is equally important that you look after yourself because his addiction will take you down with it, if you allow it. Keep up your relationships with friends and don’t give up your hobbies and interests because you matter.
Speak again soon
VelvetHi Shaun
Thinking ‘what if’ and ‘if only’ can prevent you from enjoying your life so how about re-applying for the residential programme.
My favourite quote is ‘you may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results’
Re-ignite that fire Shaun, you can do it or I wouldn’t be here writing to you.
Keep posting, you are being heard
Velvet
Hi Ilaria
I am sorry I have not come back sooner but I have only just returned from my holiday.
I understand you feeling that maybe you should not block your boyfriend but at the same time I believe you have done the best thing to protect yourself.
When your boyfriend opened up a little and asked you to handle the finances, he probably felt it was the right thing to do to help himself ‘at that particular moment’ but as soon as the trigger to gamble reared its ugly head again he forgot all logical and reasonable thought.
One of the tools to help a compulsive gambler is to hold their finances but many CGs (compulsive gamblers) will try anything to get their hands on the money using all manner of threats and manipulation to obtain their goal. Saying it is ‘his’ money; blaming you for being moralistic; accusing you of not trusting him and lying are common expressions.
He can help himself Ilaria, he is the only one who can save himself but first of all he has to accept that he has a problem. There is a lot of help available to him and maybe in the future you will be able to direct him to that support.
As time has passed since your first post, I wonder where you are you now in our thinking – please update.
I hope that you are still reading and will post again. It would be great to ‘meet’ you in an F&F group; there is one tonight 10th September between 10pm and 11pm and another on Thursday at the same time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum, it is anonymous, private and safe.
VelvetHi Momo
I am back and hoping that things are better with you and that you managed to find one of our F&F groups.
There is a group tonight, Tuesday 10th at 22.00 hours UK time – it would be great to ‘meet’ you – the next one is on Thursday 12th at the same time.
Emails are not encouraged but I can (and do) answer more easily in a private group – so please join me and ask away. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
I tried using my phone when I was away to log in etc but I found it far more difficult than using a computer – at least this way I have the ability to read and re-read anything I write before I send, thus hopefully, omitting some of the typos.
You can always contact our Helpline if the times for the groups don’t suit you– it is one to one and safe.
I have thought a lot about the point you made about being left out of the in-crowd. I was in a ukulele band until recently but became disillusioned when the leader’s idea of wit sank to stereo-typical sexist and ageist remarks. Within the band there are young ladies and senior citizens who put up with his so-called humour because they don’t feel they can speak out without fear of being ridiculed by the ‘man-in-charge who holds the microphone’. For those in the ‘in-crowd’ who don’t mind, or care it is easier to join in the laughter and ignore those of their number who are having their confidence knocked. It isn’t easy to walk away from emotional abuse, from the man at the front who holds the microphone but sometimes we have to walk away for our own sanity, we have to stand up for ourselves and recognise that we have unique qualities that nobody has the right to disparage. You don’t belong in a crowd where you are overlooked and belittled.
How have you got on with your friend’s lawyer husband?
You are in my thoughts
VelvetHi Kat
It is hard to c o u n t your blessings when you live with a compulsive gambler but I am sure that when you look around there are a lot of good things in your life that maybe have been neglected while addiction has been consuming your thoughts.
When he is at his meeting maybe you could arrange some better ‘me’ time for yourself knowing that his problem is not ‘in your face’ for an hour or two. I am sorry that you feel that he ‘expects’ you to wait up for him but I think it is good that he welcomes your presence when he does come home – I know a gambler’s mind buzzes when they have been to meetings whether they talk about what happened or not. It is good if he does want to share with you and in my opinion, if he does, then it is a good time to listen and maybe ask gentle questions based on what he says. It isn’t easy for a gambler to face his demons and realise how bad his behaviour has been.
I think you will feel like a single parent for some time yet. Your husband will not have faced his responsibilities when he was actively gambling but healing does take time – it is gradual and exhausting but ultimately it is a walk back to life.
When I stood where you are now, I remember thinking that it was easy for him; he was being listened to and understood; he was off-loading and feeling better – but I wasn’t. I fully appreciate, therefore. how exhausted you are and how much you would welcome better support for yourself but I can only say that this is the nature of the beast. The addiction is selfish and the fight to take control of the addiction must be selfish too while he is fighting to re-take control of his chaotic mind.
I do not expect you to c o u n t your blessings as you would have done once but I do hope that you will be able to look around and enjoy the good things in your life so that you are healthy and happy and able to cope while your husband hopefully gets on with his recovery. A healthy happy ‘you’ will be better poised to take on whatever the future holds regardless of the outcome of this experience – this can be a learning curve for the one who loves a CG too.
Please keep posting
I wish you and your husband well
VelvetHello Ilaria
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Duranie
I am on holiday at the moment which makes it difficult for me to give your post the attention it deserves. However, I want you to know that you have been heard and understood.
It is important, in my opinion, that while your partner is with his mother that you give yourself a lot of ‘me’ time, see friends and family, do things that give you pleasure and help you regain your strength which will have been diminished by this sad experience.
I believe that it is important, for those who have a gambler in their lives, that they gain as much knowledge as possible about the addictionto gamble so that they can cope well.
How did your partner take control of his addiction before? Did he go to GA or rehab? I ask this because one of the biggest problem for recovering gamblers is complacency and I wondered if your partner had begun to believe he could now gamble responsibly having distanced himself from his support over time.
A slip is not necessarily a negative for a gambler, it can bolster a determination to live truly gsmble-free when the shock of what he has done and lost, sets in.Unfortunately for you, a great deal of money has been lost and exciting plans have been ruined. However, money is not the reason an addicted man gambles, it is the ‘gamble’ that excites him.
What, if anything, is your partner saying now? Do you know his mother’s reaction?
I will leave this here in the hope that it gives you some support knowing you are being heard.
I am back next week and will look for you and hopefully ‘meet’ you in our F&F group.
I know a man can successfully control his addiction which is why i an writing to you now.
Speak soon
Velvet
Hi Momo
Log in as you have done to post here but click on ‘Support group’ when the group is live. Times are on the home page.
VelvetHi Kath
You are doing really well already in the way you are handling your situation and you are indeed in the right place for support. Unfortunately I am about to disappear for 2 weeks on holiday but I will try and answer all your questions.
Listening is the most important thing you can do – you are listening for an acceptance of a problem and a determination to change that is more than just words. When he gives you an opening it is good to ask him ‘What are you going to do; what can you do that is different on the nights your feel the urge to gamble? Get him to think of the actions he is going to take rather than you trying to answer his problems. It might be a good idea for you to tell him that you have sought help and that you know there is good support available for him. The support on this site is non-judgemental and anonymous – our gambler-only groups are facilitated by a man who has controlled his addiction for many years and will understand your son. Out helpline is often manned by another man who has also controlled his addiction for many years and likewise understands your son. GA is excellent and there are dedicated addiction counsellors
Sharing is great if he will do it and even if he will not, it is good that his father and siblings know he has a problem. Unity against an addiction is the best support a family can give provided they are all saying the same things.
I don’t think there is any point in you calling him out, I think you are already aware that he is possible addicted and even if he is not he is in serious danger or becoming so – when he is ready to seek support he will be asked to admit his addiction. There should be no shame attached to the addiction to gamble – nobody ever asks for it, nobody ever wants it. It was his unfortunate lot to get a problem – once he had started gambling and there was no way he, or anyone else, could have known. .
If he tells you that he has debt, then maybe you could say to him that you cannot bail him out because you have been advised that this feeds his addiction and does not help him.
I think that maybe the best support I can give you is to tell you that my son is a compulsive gambler who changed his life 13 years ago and lives a wonderful life in control of his addiction – so I know your son can do it.
Keep communication open with your husband and his siblings if you can – the more knowledge of the addiction the easier it is to cope and do the right things.
I will have to leave it there but carry on as you are doing, ask our Helpline any questions you may have. I will look for you in two weeks but in the meantime please look after yourself. It is so important that you protect your own life and health. If you are brought down by his addiction you will not be able to help him.
Velvet
Hello Kath
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!