[velvet]

Hi K
Your reaction and actions, for someone who has never been around addiction before, are brilliant – well done.
What has you husband’s reaction been to all the steps you are taking to protect yourself and ultimately him? Is he willing to go to a support group? Is he talking about his feelings and what he wants to happen in the future?
When communication is opened, it is important to keep the door open and listening is often more important than talking. If your husband’s behaviour has developed into a gambling addiction, then it is good to be ahead of him in what he is capable of doing as a result of that addiction. Knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give you power over it and protect you.
You are right to say that you need to process what has happened and that takes time, you have been hit after all by a bolt out of the blue. Don’t be rushed into thoughts of trusting him, keep talking here and in your support group – you will get through this.
You are right to need to tell him how his actions have affected you but it is better to be aware that he may not want to listen through shame and guilt but it is important to be aware that he need not feel shame and guilt because he didn’t ask for or want this addiction. Nobody wants to have an addiction to gamble. The addiction distorts thinking and very often gamblers resort to lies to help them cope – be ready but don’t necessarily attack him if you hear them – the lies will cease when the addiction is controlled.
What is less easy to achieve, is ‘your need’ for the two of you to come up with a plan together that he will stick to quickly when ‘his need’ is the gamble. Make plans with him that are achievable today. By all means work out plans to protect yourself which means understanding and learning about the ‘what’ and the ‘what nots’ to do but remember he is being compelled by a force he does not understand and will probably still feel the ‘need’ to gamble.
It is most important that you look after yourself – the addiction to gamble is divisive and corrosive. Have you got family and friends to support you? Keep up with friendships, hobbies and interest because, thinking about the addiction 24 hours a day does not help, it merely saps your energy.
I will leave my first reply there and wait to hear from you but once again I applaud all the steps you have taken so far; your husband is very lucky to have you, wiling to listen, on his side.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello K

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Butterfly
I have just read your reply to a member in the F&F forum which led me to find your thread.
As the parent of a compulsive gambler I know what it is like to hear the devastating news that your child has an addiction.
I think it is important to remember when you tell your father that he is hearing the news for the first time, whereas you have lived with it for a while. He may well say things in the heat of the moment due to ignorance of the problem and I hope you will be able to swallow his possible anger and disappointment – parents usually feel the problem is their fault and often react badly.
I would be delighted to help him understand that you didn’t ask for or want the situation in which you have found yourself – nobody would ask for such a problem but sadly it happens. I facilitate a group on Tuesdays and Thursdays if he would like to ‘talk’. We also have a Helpline where he can get support for himself.
I believe you, when you say, are not a bad person. I also believe that you are not stupid – what has happened to you could have happened to anybody.
I hope you will soon find it in you to forgive yourself. You are here on this site and seeking to control your problem which takes courage so well done.
I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled or I wouldn’t be here.
Keep posting and take one gamble-free day at a time
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Butterfly and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Antoine

In my opinion, at the present time your husband is dealing in words and not actions and it is actions that make the difference.

The plans you have described would offer your husband access to money and it is ‘possible’ that your husband sees such plans as a way out of his debts but until he has concrete plans in play and is following a recognised treatment to recovery, I believe you would be unwise to trust him.

The addiction to gamble is extremely manipulative. Your husband has seemingly given you a lot of what looks like evidence of his determination. The letter and his plan to see a counsellor implies he is trying but until he actually seeks help and until you see a change in his behaviour, I think it would be best to keep the plans for the future, which include him, on ice.

I appreciate that a compulsive gambler who wants to change his life and therefore puts forward a scheme to achieve that end, would be hoping that those who love him would fall in behind him – I can see why you are tempted to trust him.

Unfortunately, there is not a crystal ball to tell you how he will proceed or where you will be in five years time.

I tend to agree with you that at the moment common sense should tell you that it is the worst idea to go into a business adventure with your husband – but – given time, given dedication and given proof of a decent length of gamble-free life, I would not rule it out for ever. I would add, though, that in my opinion, the finances should be in your name and he should not have access to cash, A compulsive gambler who accepts his addiction, faces his demons and learns about his addiction should be able to understand that he is not going to be considered safe with cash.

The addiction to gamble cannot be cured but it can be controlled. I think it would be good for you to to gain as much knowledge as possible of your husband’s  addiction so that you know the difficulties of early recovery recover – such as complacently.

The addiction to gamble can be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result but it does take time.

Just a thought, would it be possible for you to take on the business yourself and maybe seek legal advice to safeguard your finance?

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Relapsing and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Badsportsbetter and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Привет, Харби, и спасибо, что запустили ветку на форумах Gambling Therapy.

Здесь, в Gambling Therapy, мы гордимся тем, что являемся заботливым и разнообразным онлайн-сообществом, которое может помочь и поддержать вас в трудностях, с которыми вы сейчас сталкиваетесь. Мы понимаем, что это может быть тяжелое время для вас, особенно если вы новичок в выздоровлении, поэтому приходите сюда так часто, как вам нужно, и участвуйте в форумах, заходите в онлайн-группы и подключайтесь к горячей линии помощи в режиме реального времени, если вам это нужно. к одной опоре. Мы вместе!

Здесь, на форуме, вы можете поделиться своим опытом в безопасной, благоприятной и приемлемой обстановке. Прелесть записи всего этого в том, что вы можете не торопиться, и вы будете создавать записи о своем прогрессе, на которые вы можете оглянуться, если когда-нибудь почувствуете, что вы не двигаетесь вперед. Итак, делитесь столько или меньше, сколько хотите, но старайтесь придерживаться только одной темы на этом форуме, чтобы люди знали, где вас найти, если они хотят быть в курсе вашего прогресса или поделиться с вами чем-то.

Помимо форумов, новых членов приглашают присоединиться к Чарльзу в Группе практических советов для новых членов по понедельникам в 21:00 (Великобритания) и в четверг в 19:00 (Великобритания).

И на этой ноте ….

Я передам вас нашему сообществу, потому что я уверен, что они подскажут вам несколько мудрых слов 🙂

Заботиться

Команда игровой терапии

PS: Позвольте мне просто напомнить вам ознакомиться с нашей политикой конфиденциальности и условиями, чтобы вы знали, как все это работает!

[velvet]

Hello Harbby and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Antonie

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Kat
How do ‘you’ feel about the way things are now Kat? How you feel matters in this forum.
Is his general behaviour any better?
In my opinion, the behaviour of a compulsive gambler towards his loved ones and children, is the greatest signal as to how well he is taking control of his addiction. It often takes a long time for a gambler to take control and become the person he would like to be and the person his family want him to be but any improvement in behaviour is a good sign.
As ever
Velvet

[velvet]

HI Steph
To answer your final question first, there is no ‘cure’ for the addiction to gamble but the addiction can be controlled, or I wouldn’t be writing to you.
Good support is great for a gambling addict and I suggest that you read as much as you can about the addiction so that you can make an informed decision about what you want to do from now on.
I find it very strange that his meeting should ‘tell’ him to break up with you unless he has portrayed you as some sort of trigger for his addiction– it is not the way I would expect a normal GA meeting would behave unless they had been convinced of the unsuitability of his relationship.
His work ethic is typical of many compulsive gamblers – long hours for big salaries means they have the wherewithal to gamble. It is only when work dies off, or debts become too great, that such gamblers become concerned. In my opinion, if you are communicating with his father, it would be a good idea if you could suggest to him that bailing a compulsive gambler out from his debts is equal to giving an alcoholic a drink. Removing the debt clears the slate giving the gambler the ability to gamble further, thus keeping the addiction alive. The addiction to gamble is all about the ‘gamble’ – money is the means to an end, it is a tool, it is not the goal.
Attending meetings ‘on and off’ suggest that, maybe, he is not determined to face his demons. Meetings do help the determined gambler provided they are prepared to listen.
You cannot save your boyfriend Steph but you can support him by not enabling him. The addiction to gamble can take loved ones all the way down if they allow it so it is important that you look after yourself. If you are worn out and full of the cares of his addiction you will not be able to help yourself, or him.
Please keep posting and asking questions. I will understand whatever you decide to do.
velvet

[velvet]

Hello Steph

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Momo
I appreciate that it doesn’t really make any difference whether his cruelty towards you is deliberate or not – the fact that you are hurting and being hurt, is surely enough. Whether he meant to hurt you or not is a moot point. As a compulsive gambler he will be hurting his inner self deeply, every time he gambles, without deliberately doing so.
In some relationship there is a possibility that hurting will be deliberate but, in my opinion, this is within the personality of the person and not a direct consequence of the addiction to gamble. A man capable of emotional abuse will be abusive whether he develops the addiction to gamble or not. Successful treatment for the addiction will not make such a man less abusive.
Your husband cannot admit his behaviour is poor because to do so is to take responsibility for his actions and he is obviously neither ready nor willing to do so.
There is no cure for the addiction to gamble but it can be controlled. Your lives have been wrecked by debt and misery but your husband is in denial so it follows, in his distorted mind, that it must be your fault. If you are horrible then it stands to reason that his gambling is not to blame.
Believe in yourself Momo, don’t go down the path of thinking that you are responsible for his addiction because of some non-existent issues. We all have foibles, none of us are perfect but the addiction to gamble is a destroyer of relationships and you are not to blame.
Do you have a Gam-Anon group near you, it might help to share with others who are experiencing similar problems – it is often good to physically sit with others and share a box of tissues. I hope you find an attorney soon who can support you in the way that you need supporting.
I found it helpful to keep a journal where I wrote my true feelings and listed the many incidents of poor behaviour; it wasn’t a grammatical, it was riddled with language that I never use but it helped me to get some of the anger out of my brain that was swirling around without an outlet. I never showed it to anyone, it was never meant to be shown to anyone. When my CG took control of his addiction and more importantly when I re-took control of my life, I destroyed the pages one at a time and knew that I would never again allow an addiction to hurt me.
I really believe that one day you will be happy because I know that once I felt as you do and I came out the other side.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Babi and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Author]

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