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Hy Lydian
The gamblers I know who have been controlling their addiction for several years are all living lives without the confusion and heartache that gambling losses bring. They are living the lives they want to live and liking who they are.
They have followed different paths to achieve their control but they all had to start with Day 1. You have reached out and been heard so this seems to be a great day for you to start your new life.
I have a few friends who go on cruise ships and they talk about table-tennis and other sports, what else is available to you on the ship?
You could use this journal as a sounding board; keep track of your recovery by recording your progress here and tell us what you have been doing – the gym sounds great. The facilitator for our Problem Gambler group is a GA member and he would love to support you, try our Helpline, you will be understood and welcome, you need not feel alone anymore.
I look forward to reading your journey.
VelvetHello ExG and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Lydian and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Gvalls
You describe yourself as a kind soul with a girlfriend who can’t ‘own’ money. You are creating a beautiful home for her, giving her sick sister money and even being a ‘dutiful’ man to hundreds of people from her home country.
You struggle to see that with basically every reason to ‘just calm down and be nice’ to you, she is not conforming. However, I struggle to see why your girlfriend would reward you for the “good deed of being a fool at her service” when you write on another thread, that you ‘tolerate’ her gambling and that you ‘give her permission’ to go to the casino with $60 or $80! Where is the incentive to quit?
A compulsive gambler is entitled to ‘own’ money they have earned although will often need support with handling it Does your girlfriend have no income of her own?
I am pleased that you remembered that you had been informed last year that you are part of the problem and yet here you are again asking for sympathy for yourself, whilst still feeding your girlfriend’s addiction, which you tolerate.
It is possible to carry on enabling a compulsive gambler ad infinitum but I suggest that you have to ask yourself why you would do this? A compulsive gambler can control his/her addiction but does need the right support and handing cash to such a vulnerable gambler is not an act of kindness.
Maybe you could find a dedicated addiction counsellor for your girlfriend which would be more helpful and cheaper than any small apartment with separate entry, private kitchen and bath. Perhaps you could encourage her to join GA where there is a significant number who quit gambling forever. Perhaps you could encourage her to come on this site and talk privately to our Helpline or participate in one of our CG groups where she would be most welcome and understood.
Velvet
Hello GT and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
I admire your positive spirit Rachel and I look forward to reading more posts from you as you take control of your life and thoughts.
Sometimes we all need somebody on our side to help us overcome a problem and I hope that you will continue to find the support that you deserve as you embrace your gamble-free life in this forum. The emptiness you feel will pass as you build confidence in yourself – it takes courage to fight the addiction to gamble and you are showing that you have that courage in everything you write.
The definition of a team is a group of individuals who join together to achieve a common goal and I hope you will soon get the backing from your working colleagues team that you deserve. Do you carry, or have easy access to, an alarm?
You are in my thoughts
VelvetHello Rachel and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Kat
I have seen the changes that you describe and been amazed at just how much gambling can affect the personality of a human being and how massive the change can be when the gambler emerges from the abyss of addiction.
I believe that the courage and determination to change successfully must be complete with no half measures. I think that whatever process occurs it affects every aspect of their lives.
I have witnessed gamble-free gamblers with a great empathy that is often lacking in people who have not fought an addiction and come through. I have found gamblers who have embraced a gamble-free life to be less judgemental. In short, I have learned to admire compulsive gamblers who have turned their lives around. I am very aware that there is no cure for the addiction to gamble and that a man who has fought to be gamble-free will have to assert daily that ‘just for today’ he will not gamble.
I am hoping to hear soon that your husband is no longer considering 90 days as a goal – his clear thinking should help him to pass that line and move into a gamble-free lifetime. 90 must not be a target because the greatest danger a compulsive gambler faces in recovery is complacency – there must be no ‘I’ve done it I can relax and be less vigilant now’.
I do believe that those who love the compulsive gambler enough to stand by him during his difficult journey into a gamble-free life also have character changes of which they may not be aware. I think it toughens but need not make hard, I believe it makes a less judgemental person – but in my opinion, best of all, it teaches one the ability to say ‘no’ to other people’s problems dragging one down to a point where one is consumed.
I hope you will keep posting, I love following your journal and your husband’s progress.
VelvetHi Andrea
Please post your own story so that you can get the support you deserve. I cannot respond to you on someone else’s thread.
Scroll to the bottom of the forum page and click on ‘New Topic’ put your post in the box, give yourself a title and scroll down to ‘send’ – a click will get you responses.
VelvetHi Justme
I think that the first thing you need to hear and believe is that he is going to GA and not just saying that he will start. Words and promises are too easy.
I am not surprised you checked his phone – sadly the addiction to gamble makes detectives of many F&F who would never have dreamt of looking to check up on a loved one. He is wrong to assume that others would not put up with it and I am sure if he pushed his thinking past other GA members he would find others who do understand why their loved ones feel the need to check.
A slip is not always a negative thing, it can be the shot in the backside that makes a gambler stronger in his recovery. Your husband appears to have slipped at the beginning of this year but he did not return to his support group and subsequently relapsed along with heavier drinking and drug taking. You are not to blame for this relapse, your husband is the only person responsible for this downturn. Does his circle of associates include gamblers and drinkers? Is he easily led? Are his friends aware that he has a problem?
Trust takes time to rebuild and, in my opinion, cannot be rushed. I believe it is dependent on the behaviour of the addict and yes on the reaction of the loved one too.
I think it is good to let him know that you don’t want to check on him but to ask him how he expects you to learn to trust him if you don’t. Let him know that you want to stand shoulder to shoulder with him in his desire to be gamble free but that you need help too. Maybe he could ask the other members of his GA group how they respond to their loved ones who are struggling with trust. Trust is two-ways – he wants to trust that you will not check on him and you want to trust him that he will he honest,
Keep posting JM – I can hear your dilemma and I hope to hear that your husband has started on his recovery so that trust can become even a possibility again.
It would be great to ‘meet’ you in a group where we could communicate in real time. There is a group this evening, Thursday between 10pm and 11pm and another on Tuesday at the same time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum, it is safe and you will be welcome.
VelvetHi Mo
I am so pleased that you have posted and with such great clarity. I hope I can help you to make the right decisions for yourself and also for your boyfriend.
Compulsive gamblers are not bad people, so I believe you when you say that your boyfriend has a beautiful soul. Your boyfriend did not ask for not did he want his addiction but it is unwise to put your head in the sand if the reality is that he does own it.
I can hear in your post your desperate desire to save this man you love and I wish I would tell you that it was possible but the only person who can save your boyfriend is himself, sadly love does not conquer all.
Your boyfriend could agree to all your rules and even believe that he could live by them but until he has taken action to seek treatment to help him control his addiction, his words are no more than that – just words.
It is to his credit that he has admitted that he lied about stopping but I am extremely concerned that he is suggesting that everything will change if you move back to him, or he to you. This might be his hope but in my opinion, the reality is not that simple – controlling an addiction to gamble is not easy and requires action on the part of the gambler which should not include asking a loved one to take responsibility for his failure or success.
I am not surprised that you are stressed over this situation – your boyfriend is putting a lot on your shoulders instead of accepting that it is him that should be actively taking steps to control his addiction, before he asks you to be with him. I am sure that he does not realise how much you are affected physically and mentally – his addiction is a selfish one which will prevent him understanding your feelings. To understand ‘you’, he would have to take responsibility for his behaviour and I don’t hear him wanting to do that yet.
I don’t think ill of your boyfriend, quite the reverse, I sincerely hope he will take a leap of faith and seek support but not in the way he is doing. I have never heard of a compulsive gambler who has controlled his addiction ‘on his own’ but I have heard many times of compulsive gamblers who have wanted someone to sacrifice their own life to support them.
I suggest that you ask him to seek the right support for himself. Maybe you could download the 20-Questions on the Gamblers Anonymous web site for him, maybe you could ask him to contact GA, or a dedicated addiction counsellor or join our community on this site who would welcome him, understand and support him. Actions speak louder than words and although I cannot tell you what to do I know that if it was me I would not join him until he had made the effort for himself.
With determination, courage, acceptance and the right support, your boyfriend can learn to control his addiction and live an honest and fruitful life – if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be here writing to you.
Please post again – I think this must be very confusing for you
VelvetHello Zero and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Jemma and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Goldy
You are right to recognise the importance of focusing on the health of your wife and family.
In my opinion It is great that you are offering to support your brother-in-law in rehab but I would suggest that telling him that the offer will be withdrawn if he does not act immediately will aggravate his addiction
In view of your wife’s health, I believe it is right for you to cut communication until he is willing to admit that he requires help but I think that if you could attach your willingness to support him in rehab, when that time arrives, it would be better. As a compulsive gambler he will be the master of threats and manipulation – the threat of an ultimatum will mean nothing to him – ultimatums are like challenges and the outcome of a challenge is just another gamble.
I suggest that your parents-in-law need support and they can hopefully find this is a local Gam-Anon group which is the sister group of GA. We would also be pleased to support them on this site, in this forum or on our Helpline. If they had appreciated that ‘lending’ money to their son was like giving a drink to an alcoholic they would probably have handled their situation better. I understand why they turned to your wife but she is not able to help them through no fault of her own – they need the support of those who understand the addiction to gamble.
I think that compassion for an addicted gambler is right but it is important to know how to show that compassion – clearing debts and covering up is not the answer.
I hope that you will keep posting, there is a lot to understand that could help you cope better – knowledge of the addiction to gamble gives you power over it.
VelvetHi Darcy
I am so pleased you felt compelled to post again. I believe that I understand the feelings that you are experiencing and I hope this will help.
It takes a long time for an addiction to develop to the point where rehab becomes the answer. In that time a gambler will damage a lot of lives, not least his own.
The world, to a gambler embracing a gamble-free life, is often scary. In rehab he can learn how life should be and what he should do in different circumstances but nothing can fully prepare him for the reality of a gamble-free life. He returns to those he has hurt and is therefore incredibly sensitive to possible criticism. He is constantly aware of how he should be behaving. He is afraid to fail.
The seed of a gamble-free life is planted in rehab; it is nurtured and watered until it takes root and begins to show signs of growth – but it cannot fully develop until it is transplanted back into the real world with all its stresses, temptations and fears. It is only time that helps it to grow tall and it takes a lot longer for blossom to appear.
It is really hard for those who receive their loved ones home, the painful memories are still raw and it is so difficult to believe that this ‘new man’ will not revert back to type – too many hopes have been raised and dashed too many times in the past. In my opinion, love that was understandable strained during the active addiction years doesn’t just return when a man appears to have changed his life – we do not choose our feelings.
I think that maybe it would help you to stop looking over your shoulder and enjoy what pleases you. Allow yourself time to know what it is that you really want. I think that it is easy to expect too much, too quickly.
Please keep posting, your worries are normal, trust cannot be rushed.
Velvet