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Hello Manjikot and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Sunshine and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Hanihan
In my opinion, when a gambler really want to change his life, it is important that every avenue is explored. If the ideal solution for your partner is rehabilitation then please look at GMA and don’t dismiss it because he has gambled all his money and can’t afford to take time off work. GMA is for compulsive gamblers and gamblers have often not got any money as a result of their addiction and it is understood that a man has concerns for his work.
You and/or your partner can get information on our Helpline or by getting in touch with GMA direct.
The project used to last 9 months but it is considerably shorter now and the time away is a drop in the ocean compared to a life-time – I know because many years ago I waited 9 months for change.
As I said before, it would be great if you would join me on a Tuesday or Thursday evening when we can communicate in real time.
VelvetHi Kat
The Gam-Anon 12 steps are the same as the GA 12 steps apart from the 1st step. I belonged to Gam-Anon for quite a few months before I began to see any relevance in the steps to me and I resented quite a lot of them before the light dawned.
I’m glad that Russell Brand is helping you, I found him hard to relate to which, I think, just goes to show that there isn’t just one way to recovery and it is great when a gambler finds a way that works – and that applies to F&F too.
It is good to try and understand your husband’s addiction but it is equally important to understand how his addiction has affected you. Your recovery is important too Kat, your husband’s addiction will have changed your life and what you make of that experience will affect everything you do for the rest of your life. I think it is important to realise that the experience is one that we can treat as a great education or we can crumble and allow it to defeat us – I know which I prefer and I believe you feel the same.
Your husband’s plan for recovery appears to be working well, so my question to you is this, how do you feel now? How are you coping?
You are right that complacency is a threat but maybe you could ask your husband to help you with this concern – I think that asking a gambler in recovery for help to understand and cope, says that you are standing shoulder to shoulder with him, that you are willing to learn, that you accept he is not the only person who Is working on a brighter future.
I look forward to your posts and I hope that you both continue to grow in recovery together.
VelvetHi SJ
I suggest that you don’t look at any screens, including television, for at least an hour before you go to bed – maybe take a short walk or sit quietly and think of things that make you happy. Maybe you could read something that doesn’t tax your brain, have a glass of warm milk or chamomile tea.. Allow yourself to become relaxed before you close your eyes.Dreams have been explored in this forum before – keep posting and hopefully you will learn to control your sleeping thoughts.
sleep well SJ – you deserve your rest
Velvet
Hi Lizbeth
Time goes far too fast for me too.
You are doing fantastically and building a wonderful gamble-free life.
Great post, you are inspirational
Your grandchildren are lucky to have you in their lives
VelvetDear Momo
How sorry I am to hear that your problems go on and on – I can hear how devious your husband is and it grieves me; not only has he got a compulsion to gamble but he is an extremely manipulative lawyer who know what button to push.
What ages are your children? Your husband is putting a lot of pain on very young shoulders and if anybody tells them anything, I think it should be you.
He is manipulating you Momo and I can fully understand you wanting to rise to his bait but I hope you will keep your cool with your children and help them understand that a divorce is not a question of their fault or yours, it has become a necessity because you and your husband no longer love one another but that you will always be there for them. In other words, Momo, protect them and let them understand the truth when they are old enough.
I am not a marriage/divorce counsellor; I probably should not be advising you on what to do in this instance but I am a mother and I have been through a divorce when my children were young. I have also worked for a long time in the law and known many lawyers.
Children often see more than we give them credit for, it depends on their ages of course.
You are being treated abysmally and I sincerely hope that you will come out of this dark tunnel very soon.
Please keep posting, I believe in you.
As Ever
VelvetHi Hanihan
It is great when a gambler accepts support with his finances and you are doing really well agreeing to support your partner with this.
I am not keen on anti-depressants being offered to gamblers because the addiction is usually the cause of the depression and a fuzzy brain will never give lasting results. Dedicated addiction therapists and counsellors who look at the whole picture are, in my view, the best way for gamblers to tackle their problem.
When your partner goes to the casino to watch the roulette wheel he is not de-stressing, he is keeping his mind in the action and that is a tiny step away from relapse. Gambling in his head is the equivalent of a dry drunk; it is the gamble (and not the money) that excites him.
As I said in my previous reply to you, we have a terrific Helpline on this site and the facilitated gambler groups would willingly support him – it is all anonymous. If you are in the UK, GMA is an amazing rehab – details of which can be got from our Helpline and from the section on our forum page for GMA residential treatment, Q&A. GA is another great support.
I know of many who have learned to control their addiction which is why I am writing to you now. I know your partner can be in control of his life.
It would be great to ‘meet’ you in an F&F group where we can ‘talk’ in real time, nothing said in the group appears on the forum. Please stick to one thread, multiple threads often mean that support is missed because they are harder to follow.
Speak soon
VelvetHi Hanihan
I would never suggest that you leave or stay with your partner although I understand why friends and family would tell you to run a mile, they feel helpless – but of course love is not so easily discarded. I cannot tell you what to do but I know that the more information you have about his addiction the easier it will be for you to cope and make the right decisions for you.
I also know that you partner can control his addiction which is why I am here writing to you now.
The addiction to gamble is not about money. To a gambler money is a tool – a means to an end – it is necessary for the goal, and the goal is solely the ‘gamble’.
Whenever a gambler is bailed, out the addiction is fed. Every penny given to a compulsive gambler is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. Every time a gambler is bailed out, it merely gives him a clean slate; he needn’t worry about that debt anymore, the way to the next ‘gamble’ is clear.
I am not surprised that you are feeling really let down by your partner leaving you with his children while he goes to gamble but sadly I am not surprised to hear it. You feel that he has crossed a line and maybe it is time for you to think what you can do that is different this time – I think you have already made a good start by posting here.
Does he say he ‘wants to stop gambling – it is possible that he has ‘tried’ various forms of counselling but has not listened – he has to ‘want’ to do it for himself. We have a terrific Helpline on this site and gambler groups that would willingly support him – it is all anonymous. GMA is an amazing rehab – details of which can be got from our Helpline and from the section on our forum page for GMA residential treatment, Q&A.
I hope you will join me in the F&F group this week where we can ‘talk’ in real time so that we can get to know each other better.
In the meantime, I will leave this first reply here and await your reply.
VelvetHi Amo
I don’t hear a selfish person writing this post.
Everybody who lives with a compulsive gambler makes choices and some/most of those choices are very tough inded. Nobody can or should tell somebody else what to do in these trying circumstances.
What I try to do is to give knowledge of the addiction to gamble and means of coping, to F&F members to help them make the right decision for themselves. I cannot, should not and will not make decisions for others.
I also cannot judge the decision of someone who has left a gambler after 22 years of pain.
I am pleased that you write that you don’t hate your husband and that you do in fact care for him because there is no doubt he would rather not be a compulsive gambler; he did not ask for the addiction which is wrecking his life but your love for him has flown out of the window and sometimes that is just too much to bear.
Maybe you could tell him that there is a lot of support for him on this site. Our Helpline would be delighted to support him as would Charles, who facilitates groups for New Members on Monday evenings and Problem Gamblers on Thursday.
Don’t let guilt ruin your life– you have made your choice and it is a brave one. It ‘might’ be that your husband gets a wake-up call from your choice but whether he does or not, you are out of the shadow of his addiction and you deserve to enjoy your life.
All members here are different and their outcomes will not all be the same – I wish you much joy with your life away from the addiction. I also hope your husband will seek and find his way out of the sadness and confusion of a gambling life.
It would be great to ‘meet’ you in an F&F group where we can communicate in real time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
Velvet
Hello Amo
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Hanihan
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Emma
Adding a little to Steve’s earlier post about planting the seed, once you have planted the seed of recovery it does take time for the first green shoots of a gamble-free life to show. It needs to be fed and watered so that it grows straight and tall allowing it to withstand all manner of weathers thrown at it. It is so important to be patient because when the blossom comes – my goodness, how beautiful that blossom is.
You have planted the seed now Emma – I will follow your progress and wish you well
VelvetHi G
Provided that your girlfriend is willing to ban herself from the casinos then there is no harm in taking her to do so. If she has not stated her willingness and she is going at your insistence then it is likely to be a wasted venture.
Las Vegas is probably the worst place for any gambler to go if they want to live gamble-free. If she believes that there is a remote possibility that you are willing to fund this trip and enable her ‘dream’ then her addiction will be in full throttle.
Giving her cash is feeding her addiction – and giving her money, generously, is not helping her. If she has ‘earned’ this money, then it is hers to do with as she wishes but it would be good if she was willing for you to take care of it for her – but she has to agree. I don’t see why you feel the need to give ‘generously when you know she will abuse it.
It is quite a generalisation to say that English people talk and meet. I don’t believe that an English compulsive gambler wants to talk or listen any more than a Vietnamese gambler who is addicted – unless and until, they are determined that they want to take control of their lives. She might come from a community that doesn’t talk but does she also come from a community that doesn’t listen?
If your girlfriend wants to live gamble-free then she clearly has some work to do on herself but you can help by not enabling her.
VelvetHi Lizbeth
You have done very well getting your thinking straight even with this unexpected hiccough with your finances.
Changing a ‘whole’ picture at once can be intimidating. Break the picture down into smaller manageable pieces that you know you can achieve and allow the whole picture to become clear gradually. .
Terrific positive post Lizbeth -well done
Velvet