[velvet]

Ciao Beth

Grazie per aver aperto una discussione nel forum di amici e familiari di Gambling Therapy. Questo forum ti fornirà calore e comprensione dai tuoi colleghi.

Sentiti libero di usare il gruppo amici e familiari, troverai gli orari per questi se fai clic sulla casella "Orari del gruppo" nella nostra Home page

Leggi gli amici e i gruppi familiari online

Ora che ti sei presentato scoprirai che molte delle persone che incontri qui hanno già letto la tua presentazione iniziale e ti accoglieranno come un vecchio amico 🙂

Se sei l'amico o un familiare di qualcuno che è sia in, o è stato attraverso il programma residenziale GMA prega di prendersi cura in più per assicurarsi che nulla si dice in gruppi, o sul nostro forum, inavvertitamente identifica quella persona. Anche se il tuo caro non è collegato a GMA, ti preghiamo di non identificarlo né direttamente né indirettamente nel caso in cui decidesse di utilizzare il sito da solo.

Troverai molti consigli su questo sito, alcuni li seguirai, altri no… ma va bene perché solo tu comprendi appieno la tua situazione e cosa è meglio per te e per le persone che ami. Quindi, prendi il supporto di cui hai bisogno e lascia i consigli che non ti servono perché tutto viene da un luogo premuroso e nutriente 🙂

Non vediamo l'ora di sapere tutto su di te!

Stai attento

Il team di terapia del gioco d'azzardo

PS: Lascia che ti ricordi di dare un'occhiata alla nostra politica sulla privacy e ai termini e condizioni in modo da sapere come funziona!

[velvet]

Hello Beth

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

ہیلو بیت۔

جوا تھراپی دوستوں اور فیملی فورم میں تھریڈ شروع کرنے کے لیے شکریہ۔ یہ فورم آپ کو اپنے ساتھیوں سے گرم جوشی اور تفہیم فراہم کرے گا۔

دوستوں اور فیملی گروپ کو بلا جھجھک استعمال کریں ، اگر آپ ہمارے ہوم پیج پر "گروپ ٹائمز" باکس پر کلک کریں گے تو آپ ان کے لیے اوقات تلاش کریں گے۔

دوستوں اور فیملی آن لائن گروپس کے بارے میں پڑھیں۔

اب جب کہ آپ نے اپنا تعارف کرایا ہے آپ کو معلوم ہو گا کہ یہاں آپ سے ملنے والے بہت سے لوگوں نے آپ کا ابتدائی تعارف پہلے ہی پڑھا ہے اور وہ آپ کو پرانے دوست کی طرح خوش آمدید کہیں گے 🙂

آپ میں یا تو ہے، یا کے ذریعے کیا گیا ہے جو کسی کے دوست یا خاندان کے رکن ہیں، تو GMA رہائشی پروگرام اضافی دیکھ بھال اس بات کا یقین ہے کہ کچھ بھی نہیں آپ گروپوں میں کہتے بنانے کے لئے، نادانستہ طور پر اس شخص کو جو کی شناخت کو لے، یا ہمارے فورم پر کریں. یہاں تک کہ اگر آپ کا پیارا جی ایم اے سے منسلک نہیں ہے ، براہ کرم براہ راست یا بالواسطہ طور پر ان کی شناخت نہ کریں صرف اس صورت میں جب وہ خود سائٹ استعمال کرنے کا فیصلہ کریں۔

آپ اس سائٹ، جن میں سے کچھ آپ کی پیروی کریں گے کے بارے میں مشورہ کی ایک بہت کچھ تلاش کر لیں گے کچھ آپ نہیں کریں گے … لیکن صرف آپ کو مکمل طور پر آپ کی صورت حال ہے اور کیا آپ کے اور لوگوں کو تم سے محبت کے لئے بہترین ہے سمجھنے کی وجہ سے ٹھیک ہے. لہذا ، اپنی ضرورت کی مدد لیں اور جو مشورہ آپ نہیں دیتے اسے چھوڑ دیں کیونکہ یہ سب دیکھ بھال کرنے والی ، پرورش کرنے والی جگہ سے ہوتا ہے 🙂

ہم آپ کے بارے میں سب سننے کے منتظر ہیں!

خیال رکھنا

جوا تھراپی ٹیم

PS: میں صرف آپ کو یاد دلاتا ہوں کہ ہماری پرائیویسی پالیسی اور شرائط و ضوابط پر ایک نظر ڈالیں تاکہ آپ کو معلوم ہو کہ یہ سب کیسے کام کرتا ہے!

[velvet]

Labas Beth

Dėkojame, kad pradėjote temą lošimų terapijos draugų ir šeimos forume. Šis forumas suteiks jums šilumos ir supratimo iš savo bendraamžių.

Nesivaržykite naudotis draugų ir šeimos grupe, jų laiką rasite, jei mūsų pagrindiniame puslapyje spustelėsite langelį „Grupės laikas“

Skaitykite apie draugų ir šeimos internetines grupes

Dabar, kai prisistatėte, pastebėsite, kad daugelis čia sutiktų žmonių jau perskaitė jūsų pradinį įvadą ir pasveikins jus kaip seną draugą 🙂

Jei esate draugas ar šeimos narys ką nors, kas yra tiek, ar buvo per, GMA gyvenamųjų programa prašome imtis papildomų atsargumo įsitikinti, kad nieko jums pasakyti grupėmis, arba mūsų forumuose, netyčia nustato, kad asmeniui. Net jei jūsų mylimasis nėra susijęs su GMA, nenurodykite jo nei tiesiogiai, nei netiesiogiai, tik tuo atveju, jei jis nusprendžia pats naudotis svetaine.

Šioje svetainėje rasite daug patarimų, kai kurių laikysitės, kai kurių – ne … bet tai gerai, nes tik jūs visiškai suprantate savo situaciją ir tai, kas geriausia jums ir jūsų mylimiems žmonėms. Taigi pasinaudokite reikiama parama ir palikite patarimus, kurių nedarote, nes visa tai ateina iš rūpestingos, puoselėjančios vietos 🙂

Nekantraujame išgirsti viską apie jus!

Rūpinkitės

Lošimo terapijos komanda

PS: Leiskite tik priminti, kad peržiūrėtumėte mūsų privatumo politiką ir sąlygas , kad žinotumėte, kaip visa tai veikia!

[velvet]

Dear Momo
Your parents don’t deserve this situation, nor do you or your children.
You have a trial ahead of you but you are stronger than his addiction and you have truth on your side. Telling the truth is easier than telling lies so keep pegging away.
Try and avoid the fights, just state the truth and leave it at that – there is no need to enter tit-for-tat arguments with him. Ignore the jibes, that are meant to hurt, rise above it all Momo. You are doing great; your children are lucky to have such a wonderful, brave role model and best friend in their mother.
Do you now have a lawyer on your side that you can trust to do his best and who understands the complexity of your situation?
How I wish I could sit down with you and share time
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Patient Man

I have read your post a few times and every time, one sentence you wrote made me feel more and more concerned for you and that is “But while I’m alive I want not to be lonely, want calmness. I also want my money to go to someone with health and a future but not to the casino”.

With the best will in the world Patient Man I cannot tell you what to do – I have a dear friend with advanced Parkinson’s and I know what I would say to him but you are not he – I don’t know you. What I do know is that you are a vulnerable man married to a woman who owns a manipulative addiction and your Parkinson’s will make it even more difficult for you to be strong.

If her nice self is truly back, then she will understand your reticence about allowing her back into your home. Give yourself time and I mean a lot of time before you make any decision that could be detrimental towards your physical and mental health. You deserve peace and comfort; you do not deserve to be on eggshells wondering what is going to happen next.

If she really wants you to believe that she has taken control of her addiction then maybe she could contact our Helpline or our ‘Gambler Only’ groups and ask them if she is being unreasonable when she asks you to take her back.. In my opinion she needs to show her niceness in actions because words and promises are meaningless to an active addict. I have never heard of anyone controlling their addiction without the right support and your wife has not actively sought that help.

Love can make fools of us all. It is more important that you love yourself too.

Keep posting. I wish you well

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Valley

Anger is so painful isn’t it? Sadly, we hurt ourselves more than the person we feel the anger towards when we harbour it.

Many years ago, a member posted the following which I think is worth repeating

. • Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

• Forgiveness isn’t easy.

You have had a horrible time and I am not seeking to suggest that your father’s behaviour towards you was anything but insensitive, uncaring and unfeeling.  You deserved better.. However it may help to know that your father is not a happy man, he won’t like who he is and he would not have wanted or asked for his addiction.  

Having said all that, I know there is a lot in between the lines of your post that you have not written and I can imagine it is incredibly hard not to feel anger. Do you have any relationship now with your mother and if so, have you been able to talk to her about the way you felt and still feel?

Are you still living at home or can you avoid seeing your father altogether?  

Have you talked to your siblings about your upbringing and how they feel now?

Please keep posting Valley, I know we have only just met but I do know what it is like to live with a compulsive gambler and I recognise your feelings, so you are not alone.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Labrianne
Compulsive gamblers are not, as a rule, open men and a gambling addiction can thrive under a cloak of secrecy. For some reason your husband’s addiction has given him cause for alarm and he has confided in you, which is good for him but is a terrible burden to put on your shoulders.
I am really pleased that you have started this thread and sharing – hopefully, in time, you will be able to seek support from friends and family as well.
Sadly, you cannot make him seek therapy. Forcing a gambler to get help often results in them paying lip service and becoming even more secretive. Your husband has to want to control his addiction and to that end I think it is good to give him pointers to where support can be found and this is best given when he is being more open and less moody than usual. Shouting, pleading, threatening will do nothing but arose his addiction, calm words when the time is right is, I believe, the best way.
Your husband’s feeling of worthlessness are common because the addiction that controls him is one of constant failure. Lies, mood swings, etc are his only coping mechanism at the moment.
You are right when you say that he does need help if he is to control his addiction but it seems to me that he does not think that it is ‘his need’. I cannot tell you what to do but in my opinion, it might be good to let him know that you are seeking support for yourself because you want to understand, so that you can support him. Gamblers tend to think that nobody understands them but it might help if he knew that you want to stand shoulder to shoulder with him, not against him.
Maybe you could tell him about this site – our Helpline and ‘gambler only’ groups are private and anonymous so; it could be argued that he has nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I know your husband can live gamble-free or I wouldn’t be here.
Keep posting, you are being heard
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi C
It is sadly possible to stand around waiting for years for things to change but for now I think you have already done all you can to keep his addiction out of your life and hopefully help him to come to a point earlier where he realises he is hurting himself as well as all those around him. Now it is really time for you to put yourself and your son first.
There can be no confirmation that a man is free from a gambling addiction but they can learn to control their urges and live, gamble-free and more productive lives for having fought their demons and controlled them. If it wasn’t so, I wouldn’t be here writing to you now.
I wish you and your son well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi C1995
Well done writing this post which can’t have been easy for you.
Sadly most compulsive gamblers struggle to take responsibility for themselves and their own behaviour which makes it incredibly difficult for them to take responsible for others and their feelings.
It is possible that your boyfriend told you that he no longer loved you and that he left you when you become pregnant because he couldn’t face the responsibility of another life. This was not your fault – it is the nature of the addiction.
It is important for your health and for the well-being of your son that you put feelings of worthlessness behind you because you are not worthless. Don’t allow your boyfriend’s addiction to bring you down with it. It is a destructive addiction and if you allow it to destroy your life then it has claimed another victim and you are worth more than that.
Do you have support from friends and family?
I know it is hard, really hard but try and focus on the things you can control. Keep in control of your life so that whatever happens you are not standing still and waiting for someone else to decide your happiness. Do something everyday that you enjoy.
Please post again soon and let me know how you are doing and how your son is progressing.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Overthink
You are not overthinking, you are trying to make sense of the senseless and you have arrived at believing that your husband needs more support and is, in fact, possibly feeling better for his confession which puts the burden of worry on your shoulders. I think you are right to be concerned.
I have never heard of a compulsive gambler going it alone and being successful – I have, however, heard many gamblers say that such sites as this and GA would not be necessary if it was possible to stop without the right support.
It is great that he has self-excluded and that he has accepted he has a problem but it seems to me that he doesn’t realise the severity of his problem.
One of the greatest dangers in recovery is complacency and your husband appears to be feeling complacent already and satisfied that his plans will see him through.
I think it would be good if you could tell him, gently. that you have sought help for yourself as you are confused. Maybe ask him to help you understand and possibly ask him, perhaps, to contact out Helpline. As he feels confident then he has nothing to lose as our Helpline is anonymous,
We have brilliant ‘gambler only groups’ on Mondays and Thursdays, facilitated by someone who has stood in your husband’s shoes and has been living happily gamble-free for many, many years. Once again this is anonymous, non-judgemental and supportive – your husband would be very welcome.
Please take great of yourself at this difficult time, make sure you use any support available from friends and family. Unfortunately, many people do not understand about this addiction but maybe if you told them that you are getting support and therefore do not need opinions but would appreciate some love and understanding. The F&F groups on Tuesday and Thursday evenings are there for you – it would be great to ‘talk’ to you in real time.
In the meantime, please keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Onenonly
I agree that many of us need support in our lives and you are certainly trying to do the best for your fiancée – only you can know if you are doing the best for you too – I hope that you keep your support going while you go through this difficult time because you are vulnerable too.
Has the psychologist you have found for your fiancée been recommended for gambling addiction?
I hope that keeping a journal on here will give you support – there is always someone listening and caring.
Keep posting and please make sure that every day you do something that you enjoy.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Witsend

What help did your partner get, how long ago did he seek that help and what prompted him to do so at that time? For many gamblers a life-time support is needed, it depends a lot on how much they are prepared to listen – and how much they  accept the tools provided.

I am pleased that you don’t rely on him for financial security and I understand why you have bailed him out this time but normally I would be suggesting that a gambler’s debts are his responsibility because as soon as that responsibility is shouldered by someone else, the way is clear to gamble again – and sadly in your partners case, to get money in the same way again.

I suspect he would have gone deeper if he hadn’t realised what the consequences of his actions could be. We can only hope he will think about those consequences in advance before he is triggered to steal again in the hope that you will bail him out.

I fully understand why you don’t want to confide in friends and family and I know the response you get will probably be the one you expect – so – how about choosing someone you feel you can trust and tell them that your partner is a compulsive gambler; that you are seeking help; that you are willing to talk about the addiction but you don’t want opinions.  Let them know yhou would like support for you at this time. Cut them off before they get to the ‘leave him’ bit.

Sadly, it will almost definitely be harder if a child enters this environment. At the moment your partner is not taking responsibility for himself and is therefore unlikely to be able to take responsibility for another very vulnerable human being.

The good news is that if he truly accepts his addiction and seeks good support, he can learn to live a gamble-free life which is often more exceptional for having fought this terrible addiction.

In my opinion it is unwise to give ultimatums unless you are positive that you can carry them out. If you believe that you cannot go through this again and you truly mean it, then you already know what is right for you.

Your partner needs support, I have never heard of anyone succeeding on their own.  There is a lot of support nowadays as this addiction becomes more recognised. We have an excellent Helpline and ‘gambler only’ groups which are facilitated on Mondays and Thursday evenings. There are dedicated addiction counsellors and there is GA. Maybe you could find a Gam-Anon group for you, it is the sister group of GA.

I am going to leave my first reply to you there are wait to hear from you again. In the meantime, please look after yourself, your health matters, you matter. It would be great if you could join me in an F&F group where we can communicate in real time.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Witsend

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Kelly
You do have the skills to support him, you have proved that by writing your first post.
Please do not upset yourself that you were unaware that your husband was gambling uncontrollably, you were never meant to know, your husband will have been digging himself in deeper without a clue how to stop.
The addiction to gamble thrives on secrecy and your husband would not have wanted you to know what he was doing. He would not have known why he could not gamble responsibly. He didn’t ask for or want his addiction. The constantly failure to gamble responsibly would have instilled in him a feeling of worthlessness Self-denial of the problem would have felt like his only option.
Constant failure brings depression and feelings of hopelessness but I know he can control his addiction with the right support or I wouldn’t be writing to you. He can turn this experience into something good, he can live a wonderful gamble-free life armed with an inner strength that comes from fighting and ultimately controlling addiction.
It is an horrendous shock when you are given news such as this and it is so easy to keep worrying about it every waking minute but this will not help you or your husband. Worrying and trying to make sense of the senseless takes energy and you need your energy to cope. The finest thing you can do for your husband and also for you, is to look after yourself.
It is great that he is going to meeting already, some gamblers want to talk after a meeting, some do not. I believe that listening is more important than talking. I also firmly believe that asking him to help you understand is really good.
I suggest that you ensure the finances are in your name and that he has no access to them– he has already come a long way by willingly handing over his credit cards.
He would not have wanted to hurt you, the addiction to gamble is all-consuming and I am pleased that he has now come clean and told you.
It is important that he settles his own gambling debts because taking responsibility for his actions is the way forward for him.
As I said earlier, listening to him is so important. If there is anything you don’t understand then ask him to help you understand. Anything you are still confused about please keep posting – I will always reply.
We have a terrific Helpline on this site which is available for him and for yourself. Everything that you say will be understood. Your husband could join our facilitated gambler groups on Mondays and Thursdays – they might add to and strengthen his experience with AA.
Please keep up with friendships, family, hobbies and any interests that give you a break from your husband’s worry. Maybe you could tell me what you have been doing to Improve ‘your’ life so that you stay in control.
It is scary but you are not alone and nor is your husband. He has a greater hope of controlling his addiction with you by his side but I know it isn’t easy. If you feel he doesn’t understand a worry that you have, then maybe you could ask to him to push your concern past his group – a developed group should have more understanding of the concerns of the family at home. Maybe you could find a Gam-Anon meeting which is the sister group of AA.
Speak soon
Velvet

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