[velvet]

Hi Sunflower
Gamblers escape from reality when they indulge their addiction and of course, the reality of isolation is particularly difficult.
Did you hear the therapist say that compulsive gambling could be controlled by reduction or is this your boyfriend telling you what he wanted you to believe? When a compulsive gambler gambles his mind is excited the more he gambles and in my opinion only abstinence leads to recovery although abstinence, in itself, is not recovery. One or two days off and then a day being allowed to gamble is not disaster control – it is a recipe for disaster.
I feel very concerned about the way you are feeling. Feeling like a ghost in your own home, feeling as though you are being taken for granted, are not healthy feelings and your health is important. Your boyfriend can only make you feel like this if you allow him to do so, Sunflower because even if you don’t feel it, you are stronger than his addiction.
When things were ‘okay for a week or two’ how happy were you? If you were happy then maybe you could tell him that you want to feel that happiness again. Talk to him about the way it was, for both of you.
I cannot tell you what to do Sunflower, I know that the addiction to gamble breaks some relationships. Where do you see yourself if 5 months or even 5 weeks,? Decide what it is that ‘you’ want to and take control of your life.
How strongly do you feel that it would be better for you if your boyfriend lived away from you because even though it is very difficult at the moment, it might be worth looking for an alternative place for him? Many addicts do become homeless and the responsibility does lie with them if this happens. It is important not to threaten anything unless you are fully prepared to carry it out but if you really want a break from this behaviour then you should do what feels right for you.
Please keep posting – hopefully by keeping sharing your thoughts, you will be able to make the decision that is right for you and if it is right for you, it will probably be right for your boyfriend, even if it is tough.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Rose
I hope that you will be able to forgive your husband, in time, when you gain the knowledge of the addiction that he owns which has hurt you both so badly.
A compulsive gambler often has all the appearance of a good actor but is in fact a lost soul struggling to control a life of confusion, failure and misery. He may well have lied and sought to blame you, to cover up his poor behaviour because he has no other coping mechanism. However, I would not be writing to you now if I didn’t know that your husband can change his life and be the man you want him to be and perhaps even more importantly, to be the man he would like to be.
At some point, your husband gambled, for fun, as so many of us do; the greatest majority of people can enjoy a gamble but someone with the propensity to own the addiction to gamble will not be aware until it is, probably, too late. If your husband could have known what was awaiting him, when he started laying bets, I suggest, he would never have started.
You have done what you felt you had to do and nobody should ever tell you that what you did was wrong. You have asked for space, a time to breath, a time to retake control of your life. You did not tell him to go for ever.
You will not have pushed him to the brink, a gambler is ultimately responsible for his behaviour. What your husband does now is up to him. You say that you love him and this implies you would like to support him but at the moment you need a break which is understandable. Do you know where he has gone and who he is with?
To support him, I suggest that you keep communication open, allow him to talk even if you have a problem believing his words. In my opinion the most important thing you can do is tell him where support can be found. This site offers terrific support for gamblers, as does GA. We have an excellent Helpline and facilitated gambler groups where he would be welcome and understood, There is nothing he could say that has not been heard before.
I will leave this first reply their Rose and wait to hear from you again
I hope that some of what I have said helps, I know how hard it is at the beginning.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Pocket and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

HI WM Innleggene dine skal handle om deg; dette forumet er for folk akkurat som deg. Det er ingen skam å si at du har fått nok, skammen ville være hvis du ikke kunne komme og si det her. Hva vil du gjøre WM, vil du gå bort? Fant du en Gam-Anon-gruppe for deg-hvilken støtte har du fått fra familie og venner? Gamblere som går inn i et spillfritt liv sliter med selvtilfredshet-det dukker opp når de minst venter det, uønsket og vanskelig å motstå. Kanskje hvis sønnen din hadde fortsatt å få støtte, kunne han ha snakket om et så vanlig problem – jeg tror bestemt at det ikke er for sent for ham. Jeg tror ikke at seks terapisessioner ville ha vært i nærheten av å forandre situasjonen jeg hadde i livet mitt. Det virker som om sønnen din, som min, trengte mye mer støtte enn det. GA er alltid tilgjengelig, i likhet med dette nettstedet. Jeg håper du finner en ny jobb snart, men til du gjør det, må du konsentrere energien din om deg, din helse og ditt velvære. Jeg forstår virkelig hvordan det er å nå slutten av din tether, det ville være flott å 'se' deg i en familiegruppe hvor vi kunne snakke i sanntid, det er så mye jeg vil spørre deg, så mange tanker jeg gjerne vil presse rundt med deg. Som Ever Velvet

[velvet]

HI WM Вашите публикации трябва да са за вас; този форум е за хора като теб. Няма срам да кажеш, че ти е достатъчно, срамът би бил, ако не можеш да дойдеш и да го кажеш тук. Какво искаш да правиш WM, искаш ли да си тръгнеш? Открихте ли група Gam-Anon за вас-каква подкрепа получавате от семейството и приятелите си? Комарджиите, които влизат в живот без хазарт, се борят със самодоволството-то се появява, когато най-малко го очакват, нежелано и трудно се съпротивлява. Може би, ако синът ви беше продължил да получава подкрепа, би могъл да се справи с такъв често срещан проблем – твърдо вярвам, че за него не е късно. Не мисля, че 6 сесии на терапия биха се доближили до промяна на ситуацията, която имах в живота си, струва ми се, че вашият син, като моя, се нуждаеше от много повече подкрепа от това. GA е винаги на разположение, както и този сайт. Надявам се скоро да си намерите нова работа, но докато го направите, моля, концентрирайте енергията си върху вас, вашето здраве и благополучие. Наистина разбирам какво е да достигнеш края на връзката си, би било чудесно да те „видим“ в семейна група, където можем да говорим в реално време, има толкова много неща, които бих искал да те попитам, толкова много мисли, които бих искал да раздвижа с теб. Като Ever Velvet

[velvet]

HI WM
Your posts should be about you; this forum is for people just like you.
There is no shame in saying that you have had enough, the shame would be if you could not come and say it here. What do you want to do WM, do you want to walk away?
Did you find a Gam-Anon group for you – what support have you got from family and friends?
Gamblers who enter a gamble-free life do struggle with complacency – it pops up when they least expect it, unwanted and hard to resist. Maybe if your son had continued to get support, he could have talked such a common problem through – I firmly believe it is not too late for him. I don’t think that 6 sessions of therapy would have come close to changing the situation that I had in my life, it seems to me that your son, like mine, needed a lot more support than that. GA is always available, as is this site.
I hope you find a new job soon but until you do, please concentrate your energies on you, your health and well-being.
I really do understand what it is like to reach the end of your tether, it would be great to ‘see’ you in a Family group where we could talk in real time, there is so much I would like to ask you, so many thoughts I would like to push around with you.
As Ever
Velvet

[velvet]

HI WM Viestiesi pitäisi koskea sinua; tämä foorumi on kaltaisillesi ihmisille. Ei ole häpeä sanoa, että olet saanut tarpeeksesi, häpeä olisi, jos et voisi tulla sanomaan sitä täällä. Mitä haluat tehdä WM, haluatko kävellä pois? Löysitkö Gam-Anon-ryhmän sinulle-mitä tukea olet saanut perheeltä ja ystäviltä? Pelaajat, jotka aloittavat pelaamisen ilman elämää, kamppailevat tyytymättömyyden kanssa-se tulee esiin silloin, kun he vähiten odottavat sitä, ei-toivottuja ja vaikeita vastustaa. Ehkä jos poikasi olisi jatkanut tuen saamista, hän olisi voinut puhua tällaisesta tavallisesta ongelmasta – uskon vakaasti, ettei ole liian myöhäistä hänelle. En usko, että kuusi hoitokertaa olisi tullut muuttamaan elämäni tilannetta, minusta näyttää siltä, että poikasi tarvitsi paljon enemmän tukea kuin minä. GA on aina saatavilla, samoin kuin tämä sivusto. Toivon, että löydät uuden työn pian, mutta kunnes löydät sen, keskitä energiasi sinuun, terveyteesi ja hyvinvointiisi. Ymmärrän todella, millaista on saavuttaa kytkennänne loppu, olisi hienoa "nähdä" teidät perheryhmässä, jossa voisimme puhua reaaliajassa, haluaisin kysyä teiltä niin paljon ajatuksia, joita haluaisin levittää kanssasi. Kuten koskaan Velvet

[velvet]

HI WM Suas postagens devem ser sobre você; este fórum é para pessoas como você. Não há vergonha em dizer que você já teve o suficiente, a vergonha seria se você não pudesse vir e dizer isso aqui. O que você quer fazer WM, você quer ir embora? Você encontrou um grupo Gam-Anon para você – que apoio você recebeu da família e dos amigos? Os jogadores que entram em uma vida sem apostas lutam contra a complacência – ela surge quando menos esperam, indesejada e difícil de resistir. Talvez se seu filho tivesse continuado a receber apoio, ele poderia ter falado sobre um problema tão comum – eu acredito firmemente que não é tarde demais para ele. Não creio que 6 sessões de terapia chegassem perto de mudar a situação que eu vivia na minha vida, parece-me que o teu filho, como o meu, precisava de muito mais apoio do que isso. GA está sempre disponível, assim como este site. Espero que você encontre um novo emprego logo, mas até que você encontre, por favor, concentre suas energias em você, sua saúde e bem-estar. Eu realmente entendo o que é chegar ao fim de suas amarras, seria ótimo 'vê-lo' em um grupo familiar onde poderíamos conversar em tempo real, há tanto que eu gostaria de lhe perguntar, tantos pensamentos que gostaria de discutir com você. As Ever Velvet

[velvet]

HI WM 귀하의 게시물은 귀하에 관한 것이어야 합니다. 이 포럼은 당신과 같은 사람들을 위한 것입니다. 당신이 충분히 가졌다고 말하는 것은 부끄러운 일이 아니며, 당신이 여기에 와서 그것을 말할 수 없다면 부끄러운 일입니다. WM 뭐하고 싶니 떠나고 싶니? 감안농 그룹을 찾으셨나요? 가족과 친구들에게 어떤 도움을 받았나요? 도박을 하지 않는 삶을 시작한 도박꾼은 안주와 씨름합니다. 이는 그들이 가장 기대하지도 않고 원하지도 않고 저항하기 어려울 때 나타납니다. 아마도 당신의 아들이 계속 지원을 했다면 그는 그러한 일반적인 문제를 통해 이야기할 수 있었을 것입니다. 나는 그에게 너무 늦지 않았다고 굳게 믿습니다. 6번의 치료가 내 인생의 상황을 바꾸는 데 가까웠다고 생각하지 않습니다. 나와 같은 당신의 아들은 그보다 훨씬 더 많은 지원이 필요했던 것 같습니다. GA는 이 사이트와 마찬가지로 항상 사용할 수 있습니다. 나는 당신이 새로운 직업을 빨리 찾기를 바랍니다. 그러나 당신이 그 일을 할 때까지 당신의 에너지를 당신과 당신의 건강과 웰빙에 집중하십시오. 나는 당신의 밧줄의 끝에 도달하는 것이 어떤 것인지 정말로 이해합니다. 우리가 실시간으로 이야기할 수 있는 가족 그룹에서 당신을 '보는' 것이 좋을 것입니다. 당신에게 묻고 싶은 것이 너무 많습니다. 당신과 함께 밀고 싶은 생각. 언제나처럼 벨벳

[velvet]

HI WM Suas postagens devem ser sobre você; este fórum é para pessoas como você. Não há vergonha em dizer que você já teve o suficiente, a vergonha seria se você não pudesse vir e dizer isso aqui. O que você quer fazer WM, você quer ir embora? Você encontrou um grupo Gam-Anon para você – que apoio você recebeu da família e dos amigos? Os jogadores que entram em uma vida sem apostas lutam contra a complacência – ela surge quando menos esperam, indesejada e difícil de resistir. Talvez se seu filho tivesse continuado a receber apoio, ele poderia ter falado sobre um problema tão comum – eu acredito firmemente que não é tarde demais para ele. Não creio que 6 sessões de terapia chegassem perto de mudar a situação que eu vivia na minha vida, parece-me que o teu filho, como o meu, precisava de muito mais apoio do que isso. GA está sempre disponível, assim como este site. Espero que você encontre um novo emprego logo, mas até que você encontre, por favor, concentre suas energias em você, sua saúde e bem-estar. Eu realmente entendo o que é chegar ao fim de suas amarras, seria ótimo 'vê-lo' em um grupo familiar onde poderíamos conversar em tempo real, há tanto que eu gostaria de lhe perguntar, tantos pensamentos que gostaria de discutir com você. As Ever Velvet

[velvet]

HI WM Twoje posty powinny dotyczyć Ciebie; to forum jest dla ludzi takich jak Ty. Nie ma wstydu powiedzieć, że masz już dość, wstyd byłby, gdybyś nie mógł przyjść i powiedzieć tego tutaj. Co chcesz robić WM, czy chcesz odejść? Czy znalazłeś dla siebie grupę Gam-Anon – jakie wsparcie dostałeś od rodziny i przyjaciół? Hazardziści, którzy wkraczają w życie bez hazardu, zmagają się z samozadowoleniem – pojawia się ono, gdy najmniej się tego spodziewają, niechciane i trudne do odparcia. Może gdyby twój syn nadal otrzymywał wsparcie, mógłby omówić tak powszechny problem – mocno wierzę, że nie jest dla niego za późno. Nie sądzę, żeby 6 sesji terapii zbliżyło się do zmiany sytuacji, którą miałem w życiu, wydaje mi się, że Twój syn, podobnie jak mój, potrzebował o wiele więcej wsparcia niż to. GA jest zawsze dostępna, podobnie jak ta strona. Mam nadzieję, że wkrótce znajdziesz nową pracę, ale zanim to zrobisz, skoncentruj swoją energię na sobie, swoim zdrowiu i dobrym samopoczuciu. Naprawdę rozumiem, jak to jest dosięgnąć kresu wytrzymałości, byłoby wspaniale „zobaczyć” Cię w grupie rodzinnej, w której moglibyśmy rozmawiać w czasie rzeczywistym, o tyle chciałbym Cię zapytać, tak wiele myśli, które chciałbym z tobą poruszyć. Jak zawsze aksamit

[velvet]

Hello JF and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Sunflower
Enabling is giving cash to, or clearing the gambling debts of, a compulsive gambler. Driving a compulsive gambler to a casino would be enabling. Buying him travel passes or paying for his meal in a restaurant because he has gambled all his own money – in other words, freeing up his cash so that he can gamble, is enabling. It is ok to feed your boyfriend, it is ok to offer him a hug, it is good to offer him support and it is important to listen to him, without necessarily believing what he is saying.
There is no point in leaving a gambler, or throwing him out, if the sole purpose is to bring about his crash to the bottom but if you cannot cope or, (as happens) love has flown out to the window then, in my opinion, separation is probably best. I am not opting out of answering your question but decisions on ‘your’ future must be made by ‘you’ because you are the only person who can know what it is that your really want to do.
The shame you say you are feeling is entirely misplaced. There is no shame to be had in owning this addiction or loving a person with this addiction. Your boyfriend did not ask for, or want it, any more than you. He probably started gambling, as most people do at some time, believing it to be a harmless pleasure. For your boyfriend, however, there is nothing harmless about his gambling – for him gambling is toxic and he will never win.
Compulsive gamblers do feel alone, they lack self-esteem and self-confidence and they usually feel entirely misunderstood. Sadly, you cannot save him, which is no reflection on your love for him – he is in fact lucky to have that love even if he doesn’t know it yet.
I hope he will keep seeing his therapist and doing the homework he has been set. I hope he will join with others like him who do understand him and will support him during this difficult time.
I wish you both well Sunflower
Keep posting
Velve

[velvet]

Hi Sunflower
Nobody should ever tell you to leave or to stay – what you do has to be ‘your’ decision but decisions are best made with knowledge and that is hopefully what you are receiving here.
I cannot tell you when he will stop appearing to go backwards. Your boyfriend’s time in rehab and his gamble-free time since are steps forward and any steps forward are good in the overall fight. Slips and relapses are not compulsory but many gamblers experience them as they try to control their addiction – slips need not necessarily be seen as negative in that they can wake the gambler up when he has become complacent but of course this is not always the case.
My suggestion to you would be to do nothing while you are so undecided about what you want – stand still, listen to him, possibly help him manage his finances and yes – possibly see him crash. He is getting warnings but his addiction is telling him that they are wrong – he knows what he is doing.
Laying down terms is a waste of energy while he is not listening – he could promise you the earth and mean every word but such promises disappear in a trice when his addiction demands to be fed.
Sometimes separating is the only answer but you are the only person who can know if this is right for you and is what you want. What doesn’t work is ultimatums – if you threaten to leave then it is important that you are prepared and ready to do so. There is no right or wrong – every individual fighting this addiction is different. There is no shame if you feel you cannot continue and there is no shame if you choose to stay.
Your boyfriend can control his addiction or I would not be writing to you, he has proved that he can live gamble-free. Complacency is the enemy of gamblers and I suspect he has become complacent.
Keep that vital communication open and also with his therapist – sadly nobody can force him to stop gambling but he has a better chance to do so with support.
Keep posting Sunflower. I have been in your shoes and I know that you will know what is right for you when the time comes

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Sunflower

I don’t hear someone who is enabling by being there – it seems to me, from what you have said, that you have been doing well. Please don’t feel ashamed of forgiving him – you are a generous person who loves a man with an addiction and that is just not easy.

It takes a great deal of courage to face a gambling addiction and go through rehab, it takes a lot more courage to live the gamble-free life after rehab. It is also very easy for those who love a recovering gambler to say the wrong thing or to offer unwanted ‘advice’. It is important sometimes to show a trust that perhaps is not being entirely felt.

I don’t ‘know’ Sunflower whether, or not, your boyfriend could play on-line poker safely although I do believe it would be very unwise for him to try. He said that he wouldn’t mind playing on-line poker, not that he had already played – maybe he needed to talk about what was going on in his head. I

In my opinion, it would be good to suggest to him that you are concerned and that maybe he could share his thoughts with his counsellors from rehab or his local GA group. He would be welcome to pose his thoughts on this site in ‘My Journal’ or in one of our facilitated ‘gamblers only’ groups. Our Helpline is one-to-one and anonymous. His thoughts are not unusual, there is a lot of support and he will be understood. These are testing and terrible times for everybody. Gamblers, who are trying to live gamble-free, have had their escape route from reality cut off and coping will be tougher than usual.

Keep communication open with your boyfriend Sunflower and please keep posting.

Velvet

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