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no …. he doesnt 

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I had preoccupied my time with extra shifts , which was effective at the time . However I have been so exhausted from all the extra work and lack of sleep . I had the night off last night and after a few hours of sleep I went to the casino yesterday . I spent comp dollars and some cash I had on me , but didn’t touch my debit card, probably because my husband gets alerts the second it’s used . This. Morning however I spent some money I had saved aside . It wasn’t much but any amount is too much right now ! I’m disappointed in myself but even more disturbing I was more upset that I didn’t win . I’m sick and I know it , I’m going to exclude this week I think , but I’m very anxious about it . My husband knew I was going to the casino and didn’t say anything about it he said our bills were paid this week so , if it is what makes me happy . I came home and also reinstalled one of my play casino games I had deleted because I was ordering coins on it . I used up the free coins and deleted it , but feeling sick to my stomach . I can’t work every night . I work 12-14 hour shifts overnight and I have a teen daughter I need to pick up from school , which means interrupted sleep . But I’ve got to Do something , I feel defeated .

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So woohoo I made it to day 9 . I’m working my life away all weekend to avoid temptation . I work tonight again , but unfortunately off the next two days , unless the hospital needs me by some slim chance . I’m trying to plan for things to do the next couple days and already paid the bills that were due the ones I could so I don’t have to worry about that . I also started dieting and exercising Monday so I’ve been preoccupied with logging calories and what not . Down 7 lbs this week ! God please don’t let me mess this up .

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So it’s day 8 . I’m working again tonight . I’m exhausted , but I really need the distraction . I still think of the slots and winning some money that I know will never come .

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It’s day 7 . I picked up a shift at work . So I’ll be there until 7 am . Distractions

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It’s been 6 days without gambling in a casino . That last day I even deleted all play casino games on my phone . The ones where real money isn’t really won . I found that i was ordering coins when the free coins ran out even when I didn’t have the money . I used to laugh with my husband when I first started playing those games ” who on earth would pay for that ? ” I did . Today I was looking at my baby girl , she just had her sweet sixteen , she isn’t always sweet but that’s another story , I remember taking her to the dentist about 3 mos ago and she was supposed to get dental work , but o couldn’t come up with the copay . Meanwhile I spent thousands of dollars in the casino feeding slots . I’m so ashamed . I don’t want to feel like this anymore . Is there any hope for me , I wonder . Will my family ever be able to look at me the same now that I’ve confessed my deepest transgressions . I was once a strong hard working mother who worked extra to keep her sons in college . I had my oldest in high school and two more shortly after , it seems I’ve always been looking to fill a void . But I was never a statistic , I finished school and went on to two college degrees , I wanted my kids to see hope in the face of adversity , now I feel like a big fat failure , now that they know … it’s hard to explain , so humbling . Like all the times I borrows money from my son for gambling , and now I don’t dare ask anyone for financial help even when I need it . Food is sparser , we have enough but not much , I won’t ask , I’m too embarrassed and worried they think I’m trying to get money for gambling . I don’t mind suffering right now I just don’t want my family to . I’m sorry I’m feeling sorry for myself right now , but it’s starting to sink in exactly how much I’ve done to threaten our stability .

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8 months is great , I haven’t yet made it to 8 days . Please hang in there . You are an inspiration -Carrie

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hello Kin , I wish I could  fast forward  to the chapter where I was going around the hole.  But unfortunately, I’ve seen this hole before and yet I keep falling in . I’m working on it . I am a work in progress,  thank you for your perspective 

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After a very tough 3 nights at work . I want so much to unwind and escape . I’m trying my hardest to do that at home . I’m feeling down on myself and emotional . This is usual when the casino seems so friendly and inviting . And I’m off the next three nights and while I have no money on hand I do have the comp money waiting for me … again … I’m not going to go . I just am thinking about it . Also reflecting on my life and current job and wondering if I should pursue something else , I am feeling emotionally drained . I work as a nurse in a very acute ICU . The things I see are hard even for a veteran nurse , add in emotions of family who are looking to blame someone and coworkers dealing with similar stress , it gets to be a lot . And it seems the way I release is either to feed a slot machine or over feed myself . I’ve gained 25 pounds in the last year . But today I’m doing neither . I’m home off work tonight . I’m about to make a salad and watch a movie . Today I won’t !

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THank you

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thank you for your support 

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Thank you Charles . I’m really struggling right now , but it’s easy to abstain because I’m broke and have to go to work tonight . I’m a little worried about later this week , when payday hits 🙁

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Merci Charles. J'ai vraiment du mal en ce moment, mais c'est facile de s'abstenir car je suis fauché et je dois aller travailler ce soir. Je suis un peu inquiet pour la fin de la semaine, lorsque le jour de paie arrivera 🙁

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Thank you Charles . I’m really struggling right now , but it’s easy to abstain because I’m broke and have to go to work tonight . I’m a little worried about later this week , when payday hits 🙁

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I went and as usual . I was up and down and up and down . I I had over 1000 at one point with just comps ,  and gave it all back and spent the cash I brought .  I’m steady thinking about how I can go again next week . I know I won’t have any extra money seeing that I spent my bill money last paycheck , there are bills waiting . I wish I could stop thinking about this . I really do . I joined a health club at work , I plan to start working out . I signed up for extra shifts at work . I’m still thinking about it …

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