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Hi Jenny,
Great to read an update, it is incredible what a complete turnaround can be made once with pure desire.
Going back and forth in any unhealthy relationship is often common until it becomes old, and when the truth of the matter can’t be denied. It is a process and in the end you somehow get untangled by the lies and manipulation and you get out.
So happy to read that you have completed your degree and that you are working in a career that you have had your mind on for a while. I believe love what you do and you will never work another day in your life 🙂
Your boys are certainly growing up and now with girlfriends, wow. They must be good boys which is no surprise you being their mum. Just keep enjoying them as you know time just keeps on ticking even when we want it to stop. My oldest is 12 and has boyfriends per say, but I know that will change in the next years. I think I will not look ahead on that right now.
It is better we had become stronger, as you wrote, though in a warped way, than the opposite and became weaker by the addiction. Just as the addict didn’t ask for the addiction, we didn’t ask for the backlash either. However, the important part was that we sought recovery, and that is what made all the difference. It was ourselves that got ourselves out of the addiction’s hold and the misery it inflicted on us.
I wish you the best Jenny for the New Year and keep going after your dreams. I believe then we will live our fullest lives.
Love, TwilightDear Butterfly,
Velvet’s words and guidance are what pulled through me the very dark days I was living a few years ago and I love her for it. It was definitely the turning point of my life; I had to change and face the addiction for what it was and face what I was really dealing with. I could no longer just turn the other cheek that his compulsive gambling didn’t matter because it did. Yes, he is a good person, he has admiral qualities and of course I loved him and he was my father.
But this was not enough to forgive him for his careless and selfish ways when gambling. I think it is very important for those who love a compulsive gambler to be fully aware that this addiction will not just suddenly go away or that you can handle or even control the gambling, because you cannot. I did this for years and years and years and the addiction only snowballed to this huge mountain that almost destroyed me and my family. I did the easy thing for countless years, I never fully acknowledged the addiction within my father and it was what dragged me in a horrid and unfathomable state I experienced the last few years that I was on the edge knowing the bubble was going to bust.
This year marks the first year that I have really, really lived a life of joy, love and I am so thankful I did. This journey/recovery has to be all about you. Get to know yourself, have a relationship with yourself, treat yourself, don’t think of him, just let him take care of him. When we let go magical things happen to us….
XXXTwightGood morning Butterfly,
So glad that you responded and that Monique reached out to you, too.
Letting go and focusing on you are the best gifts you can give yourself. When you really come to terms that there is nothing you can do to change your husband, and that it is not your job to do so not as a wife or person you will begin to see the beauty in life. We are not here to make someone else’s life better. During my recovery, I turned to God many times, I thought of wise words a friend said. “Why are you trying to fix everything, let God do this. That is his job.” And as a person who father has a gambling addiction, I was pretty much programmed to do this. However, I realized in my recovery that I was the one who gave myself that job and that I had to be the one who was going to stop trying to fix anyone or person.
Embrace this time for you, don’t be afraid of being alone, believe me being alone and happy is much better than being married to the wrong person.I am getting ready for work, so I will write later. Just wanted to reach out and enourage you to really give your recovery a good shot. You will be amazed at the happiness that follows.
XXTwilight
Hi Butterfly,
It is best that you get support for yourself as you are dealing with many issues and I hope my honestly about what you have written will make you think about your life. I don’t want to seen grim, but I don’t see how your life will change if you don’t change.
For some reason you have this urgency to want everything now; almost like you want it to happen so you can’t change your mind, or maybe you really know it is not right. I do understand your desire to have children as I had my desires to, but at the right time and in the right situation. Your situation is too unstable now, and I believe deep down you know this too, of course I don’t mean to hurt you by writing this, but my stomach churns just to think what a distaster it would be to have a child in your current situation. Bringing a child in an unstable enviroment and unhealthy family unit is giving them a huge setback in life. Of course, no one or family is perfect, but to have a husband who rather live in a car than be home is saying alot. Just think of your child seeing daddy sleeping in front of the house because he likes it better. I think this is a blessing that your husband is living in the car and giving your space, you should take this time to reflect on your life and not just pleasing him and begging him back. We are all here to be happy and to live our lives to our fullest, this does not mean that we are a puppet to someone else.
Raising a child with two parents at home is difficult enough, but for you or anyone to think it it can be done alone, if needed, just shows how you don’t know how difficult it is. Of course, not only should a child come to a loving family, but there should be means to raise a child. Will your husband be able to provide or will you have to get a job and get the baby what it needs? There is alot to think about.
Love isn’t suppose to hurt and it is not just one sided. GIve your husband some breathing room and take this time to focus on yourself. Helping yourself is in ways helping your husband, but again you are the one who is important.You say you are not worried about his gambling, which is scary as this addiction only gets worst with time. It demands more and if your husband hasn’t been serious about his recovery than you can only expect the worst. Also, think of the children, they will be dragged down by this addiction. Please don’t think your husband will change once a child comes in the picture because nothing will ever make them change. If anything you will be in a worst spot and a child’s wellbeing in on the line.
Hope you can see that I am writing not to hurt you but for you to open your eyes to what you are really dealing with. You deserve a good life and once you let go of the idea that he is the only person that can give you this, you will see that you are the one who can only do this. Don’t jump into something that will be very difficult to get out of. Your future children deserve more.
Take care,
TwilightHi Sans,
After reading your recent updates about your son, I was taken back to my sickly, painstaking experiences with my father just little over a year ago when I lived in fear and worry for his safety. I was at the point where I was on the edge of worry feeling in my gut that more bad things were on its way. In the end he was slipping at an alarming rate, homelessness, jail, people searching for him wanting to be paid back, that I had moments when I was on the brink of helping him more than I should.
However, there was a part of me that had a hard time doing so because I knew the addiction well. I knew it was counting on me to give in. SO the only way I saw that I could be there for him was to really separate the addiction from him. I would not give him money as this is like giving drugs to an addict and I would not give him what he gambled away. He was homeless because he would gamble his rent money, so I always kept this in mind when he would call wanting a place to stay.
So all I could do is love him because he is my father and I still do to this day. I would see him in his tough times when possible and I would let him know that I loved him, but I would not give in to favors and I explained why. I was there to help, but not financially. I would try to reason with him about his gambling addiction, but he wouldn’t hear it, even at his lowest point.
It is extremely difficult to love a compulsive gambler in denial but it is possible. You can still love them, yet you can always still stand your ground against the addiction. It’s a tug of war, sort of thing, but it can be done. Loving your son is what your heart wants, and what you should do but think twice about bailing him out. He will manage as they all do. Even at my father’s lowest moments, he still lived and unfortunately still gambled. We often think the worst when they are really fine.
Take care,
TwilightHi Eli,
Just wanted to say ***** to you. Your stance and love has made it clear to your husband and the addiction what you will tolerate and what you won’t. I am so happy to read that your husband has been doing so well with his recovery as you are. In regards to feeling frozen, I do believe it is normal when you have been through so much. I believe this is a form of being in protective **** and I have experienced this too. I find to get past it, I seperate the addiction from my father and this allows me to show my love for my father when I see him. Having a realtionship with our cg, can be like a balancing act, but with practice we know how to ajust fine. Yet, on the flip side, being frozen when the cg is active in their addiction is really how we seperate from the addiction.
Thinking of you often….
Twilight"Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you."Dear Dadda,
My heart aches for reading how still your ex is just hounding you. His behavior is inhumane and I believe the sooner your cut ties with him the better you and your daughter will be. There is always a way to make due with what you have. Is there a way you can live somewhere that has transportation? When I took my father to court I didn’t have a lawyer.
I presented my case with all supporting documents and I won both ***** and when it seemed like the judge was overlooking my evidence. I bought it up again by holding the document up
In plain view.
Judges are there to listen to both sides, however the more supporting papers you have the more they will listen. I wish there was something I could say that would change your situation, but I believe when you start looking past the hurdles you ex has been dishing you will find the road out of this madness. Take care, Twilight "Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you."Hi Truth-be-told,
A huge, huge cyber hug to you. Welcome to GT, the place where many have gotten their lives back when all seemed lost. As I read your words I was taken back to when I first started my recovery three yers ago, that I became teary eyed, because it hit me like a gust of wind, how important it was to hang on to my recovery (I’ll explain a little later).
Where you are now, is an awful place to be, feeling incredibly scared, helpless, hurt and let down by your mom. Especially when you have been there for her doing as she asked, bailing her out when ***** were tough; by using your college fund and she repays you by siding with her addiction and behaving like a monster. I was just as angry as you. I said, that I hated my father for what he was putting me through and the life he was living, not caring about anything but his next bet. I was literally a ball of anxiety, fearing for my emotional and finanical health and it didn’t help that I worried that he would get in an accident or that he would get in a fight. Irrational thoughts kept filling my mind worrying about him and when I would share this with him, he didn’t care. He said I was getting worked up over nothing.
Reading posts here and going to group therapy opened a new world to me and I started to see hope in my situation. Everyone here is because of this awful addiction, and after reading their suggestions and insights helped me plot my recovery. Ok, recovery, was not a word I thought I needed. I thought it was my father who needed gambling recovery, but it was the other way around. If we don’t work on our recovery nothing will change. How we react to a cg is what is important and is truly what sets us free from their addiction. We become the ones that call the shots, not the addiction. The roles become reversed.
One thing that has helped me more than anything is the strategy of seperating the addiction from the cg. This was suggested by Velvet, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it wasn’t my father that I hated but the addiction within him. So I set my boundaries with him, just like you should (you don’t even have to tell your mother what the boundaries are). They are yours to stick with. The main one is not to give enablement to the addiction. This basically means you don’t give money to bail them out of their responsibilites and if they don’t have it, they have to figure out how they will or they will go without. Also, you really don’t hate your mother. It is best that you let that anger out because hate is not good to have in our hearts. It will only harm you.
There is no doubt that your mother’s addiction has her pinned down, feeding her line after line, saying her sweet nothings. There is nothing you can do about it and I wouldn’t even pay it any mind. I am not saying that she is not responsible for her actions because she is. She knows what she is doing is wrong but again she is siding with the addiction.
It sounds like you may be around 18, as this is the typical age of an incoming freshman. If you are younger, your mother is responsible for you and your safety and being homeless is not an option. She has to take care of you. If not, I would talk to someone that could help you like a school counselor or teacher. I know this is tough but you are still a child. If you are over 18, do you have any friends you can stay with until you get better. I know there are agencies for disability that you would qualify for.
The key to changing your situation is focusing on you and your recovery. Your mother has got to want her recovery. There may be a time that she may, or she may never want to stop gambling. My father never stopped, yet I am living a very happy and fullfilling life, one very different that I was for decades but I stayed true to my recovery.
During my recovery I wrote a novel, here it is. http://www.amazon.com/Please-Girl-ebook/dp/B009FOGR3Q
Hope you are feeling better knowing there is much support to be gained by being here.
XXXTwilight
"Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you."– 8/13/2013 8:09:15 AM: post edited by harry.Hi Jenny,
I think now you can really move on as you have done everything you could. You bent backwards for him, you supported him and trusted him again and now with the door shut you can live the life you desire. No more worries, no more wondering what he is doing, no more paranoia and shameless threats. Of course, this was not how you wanted things to end but now that it has there are really no regrets on your part. We all want that happy ending, saving the relationship we are in, but some ***** happy endings are when we walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Whether the person is a cg or not, if they continue to do things that are not acceptable and hurtful and deceitful why should we stay?
I believe it is inevitable to fall out of live with someone when they keep repeating the same things the same wrongs, the heartache and disappointment we feels, somehow claims a piece of love and soon the love and respect is gone. We actually can’t go back, we can’t get that love back.
As Velvet has mentioned, my father is the example of one who never seeked recovery and there are millions of him out there. Many who continue to live with the addiction, listening to its demands, conning and deceiving family and friends, not caring that their last dollar will go on a bet instead for a piece of candy for their child, their only life line is the addiction.
Hope you are enjoying your days with your sons and friends, laughing and doing things that you love. Reading a good book, going for walks, or a jog and most importantly being happy, and being free from worries. You deserve it! Life is way to short to settle for anything else.
XXXTwilight
(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)Hi Adele,
I can see why you are confused as this addiction is always sending mixed message. It knows when to be nice, it knows how to twist situations in its favor and it knows how to be mean as he**. One can never trust it, but of course it is within the one we love, but, still this is not an excuse.
You see it is your husband that has chosen to gamble. He is the one not the addiction. The addiction cannot operate alone. It can whisper sweet nothings in his ear, but it cannot physically make him gamble. Each cg is it’s lifesource and unfortunately, we become one as well when we enable and tolerate gambling.
Continue to concentrate on your recovery, as you are doing well. It is important for you to let your husband take responsibility in his recovery. He has got to want it more than anything for it to work.
XXXTwilight(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)Hi Mnn,
If you are not careful you will be suckered in by this awful addiction as it is the master manipulator. It especially preys on family using them to get enablement, knowing what strings to pull and knowing how to play on their emotions. It knows no bounds and it cares only for itself. You are wise that you are educating yourself as this will be your best defense. In my opinion it is not enough that your brother has admitted to having a gambling problem. He didn’t when your now deceased brother had asked him, but now that he is in a financial jam, he has. Still it is not good enough and shouldn’t mean all is good because it is not. By bringing him in your house without a written agreement, ****** all the terms (money) and rules (no gambling) and consequences is opening the door for the addiction to do as it pleases. It has taken your brother’d home which your parents worked hard for and now it is gone. You need to protect yourself emotionally and financially and your marriage. It is best that you never trust the addiction, it is capable of things you can’t imagine. I learned to separate the addiction from the person. I did this with my father who is your brother’s age, but again this is a strategy and is not always possible. I know this addiction well and it ***** to constantly placed in check by the cg and friends and family. If your brother is sincere in his efforts to stop gambling, he won’t object. He will be happy that someone is on his side fighting this addiction. I hope this is true of your brother and if not, be prepared for the roller coaster ride. However,
always remember you can get off whenever you want. This place is full of great people, read more and don’t let the addiction bully you.
Twilight
(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)Hi Kathryn,
Thanks for the smiles this morning, your description of Bikram yoga was how I felt to a T. I tried it years ago and I will never forget that experience, none like I ever had before. It was suggested to me by a friend, who had been doing this type of yoga for years and looked great. Everything about her screamed beautiful, her skin, her toned body and most importantly her demeanor. She was always happy, nothing got her down.
When I left the studio it felt like winter outside, though it was summertime in Florida. I didn’t go back as I had somehow strained my foot. But it did get me back into exercising, which I was grateful for. However, I am happy to report that I have been running deligently since March, average milage is about 10 a week. Exercise has become my therapy and I do look forward to the days when I get to run. I also like that I get to be alone. It’s a nice break for about 35 minutes.
I read about your struggles, and I prayed for you as I know it was scaring you. I could read it in your words. Since coming here, I understand the wickness of this addiction, and the fact that it still tries to take those that have rejected it as their way of life, is upsetting. But we are all victims of something if we are not careful, there are so many good things in life that can easily turn bad. I have my limits to everything.
You are doing incredibly well and you have been such an example to many as you continue to share your life here. I am and will always be in awe with you. I am doing well, I feel my recovery is finally kicking in to where I am living a normal life, where I don’t think the worst of things anymore. Of course, I will have scars, but for me they are now ones that I overcame and look at with relief for my outcome. I also protect myself with boundaries with everyone 🙂 My dad is also doing well, he turned 70 last month and the family went to visit him and of course I cried. This was the first birthday we celebrated for a few years together. I thank God that he is alright and I thank God that I am alright.
Hope you have a great day and enjoy your weekend.
Love,
Twilight
(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)– 5/18/2013 1:22:55 PM: post edited by twilight16.
This prayer has always calmed me, thanks for posting this.(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)
Hi Eli,
Just a quick *****, you are doing incredibly well and whether you will be around when the sunshine comes is neither here or there. We are only human and can take so much, repeated lies and deceit eventually breaks relationships. Enjoy your life Eli! Your daughter is very lucky to have you as her mom.
XXXTwilight– 3/6/2013 3:09:59 PM: post edited by Twilight16.Yes, it is a huge accomplishment and so deserving to such a wonderful person. You did it! The freedom you feel must be so liberating and empowering. I am in such admiration of you dear friend. Forties are looking to be the best years yet ??. Now you can really treat yourself. XXXTwilight(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)