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Hi Jenny, Velvet, Monique and Vera,
Thanks for the birthday wishes, they brought smiles and memories of our time here, supporting and respecting, and the sometime moments of getting on each other’s nerves, as we struggled with this addiction. I agree Jenny. I learned the most from our disagreements, which had me burning at times as I thought of what you wrote, reflecting on a different angle. Thank you for speaking your mind; it helped my recovery.
When I first started my journey here, I was a wreck, on the verge of a breakdown, fearing my father and his addiction. Just hearing the phone ring, gave me anxiety, wondering who was looking for my father and or was it him calling looking for a bail out. His addiction had such a hold on me, never thinking things would ever change, but it did through GT. Now the addiction is out of my life and I couldn’t be happier.
I may come across as abrasive at times as Jenny wrote 🙂 but for a reason. If my words are uncomfortable, then I feel they have done their job, as I have seen the addiction at its worst, hoping to reach someone to really think about their situation.
Thank you for the well wishes, I had a fun evening with my husband and girls.
XX TwilightHi Madge,
I am being completely honest when I say I have often started writing you, to only stop. I feel like everything I want to write will only upset you, but if you take one thing I write I feel it will be all worth it.
As you know my father is a cg and I have lived with this addiction for so long. My mother did her very best, as you, to shield me from it; but of course, as the years passed, and the older I got, the more I was able to piece things that weren’t as obvious as before.
I didn’t even have to hear the fights anymore, to know that my parents were fighting, or that my mother was upset. I could read it from her body language, and their silent treatment, and their superficial talks, about how work was and how beautiful it was outside, just to fill the void. Your children learn from you and your husband. You are their first teachers and what is happening at your house with the disrespect is not normal. I went back reading your earlier posts and reading how your daughter could ever tell you to shut-up is only a reflection of what she sees. Again, please bear with me, I am not trying to hurt you, just for you to reflect and be the change you need in your house.
This addiction is nothing to downplay as the other ones your husband has. Don’t let love blind you of just accepting this as loving your husband. I don’t like saying this, but the addiction is playing you well, it knows that you are afraid of it, but of course this can change.
I know from hard experience, despite your very best intentions of wanting to prevent your husband from gambling, like hiding his keys, in the long run it will always be futile because the addiction will always find a way to gamble. You will only run yourself ragged, and in the end all your efforts will be in vain and you will suffer a breakdown. Who will be there to take care of you?
What I highly suggest is for you to really start your recovery and please stop sticking to the idea that you will never divorce your husband, this is unnecessary stress. No one can say this, and I would never say this either. I have been married just as long as you and have two children. I love my husband but I know never to say never.
When you are in true recovery, it is liberating, you feel this excitement that you are getting yourself together, you are not afraid of what the future holds, you start seeing things differently, and you feel better about your life. Divorce shouldn’t even be an issue at this time; you just need to heal your troubled heart and soul. You owe yourself everything; you were not made to fix anyone’s life, but yourself. Don’t take the burden for doing for others, this includes your children. Love yourself Madge to want a better life.
What I wrote is from my heart and means no disrespect towards you. I hope you see this.Twilight
Hi Sade,
Welcome and I hope you feel there really is hope in your situation because there is. It all starts with you taking the first step on your journey. You have received excellent replies and Vera’s is spot on coming from a cg perspective .
You have already been with your boyfriend for a while to see how stronger the addiction has grown in him and he is still so young. His gambling in plain sight is bothersome as he is really showing who he is faithful to. As you have wrote, there is not much you can do. There is no amount of anything to make him stop. So now you wonder what is there to do? I can’t live like this, my children don’t deserve a father who’s ambition is to just gamble. I am sure the seven year old already sees what is happening at home and the younger one will too. There is no shielding this addiction; children can easily piece what is happening.
Your situation did not happen over night, nor will it disappear as quickly. It takes you spending time on your recovery. Stop any enabling so your bf can gamble. Make sure he is paying bills first, hopefully this isn’t his way of making money. Does he work? How about you?
Whatever steps you take, remember they will pave the road to you and your children’s future. This addiction never just goes away as loved ones hope. It just gets worst, you are young now and the time is now to make a change.
Also what I am about to write is meant in a good way, as a parent of a child of an addict, there is a responsibility to protect them from this addiction.
Take care Sade,
TwilightI remember when I first came here. I was nervous as heck to post, feeling overhelmed to get my feelings out for others to read, but you know it was what I needed to start my journey. I believe the first thread is the hardest but then it is all downhill.
If you are scared, don’t be. It is quite a liberating feeling to get the junk you have been holding in out.
TwilightHi Madge,
How did the trip go? Hopefully you were able to enjoy being with your children and collect moments you will always remember.
I hope you are not getting too worked up by your husband’s actions if they include gambling and being nasty. Just staying true to your recovery is what is really important for you and your children. Sadly we cannot change people for the better, regardless of our best intentions. However, the only person we can change is ourself; this applies to everyone and not just a person with an addiction. Marriage is challenging period, I know this as well, but through the craziness I experienced with my father, always trying to knock some sense into his gambling brain I got no where, just as I would to someone who is fixed in their ways. So again, focus on you. Also, listen to your inner feelings, and let them guide you. I realized the times I didn’t listen to my gut, I wasn’t really doing what was best for me. Life is too short to be unhappy and to put up with the nonsense from anyone.Hope all is well.
XXXTwilightDear Jenny,
So thrilled to read that all is well in Jenny Land, as it should. I remember how tough it was for the both of us, which seems not too long ago. However, through the tears we made it, mostly from the support here.
This addiction did not take us down, yet it tried, relentlessly; yet we weathered the storm by refusing to be manipuilated anymore. Of course, there were little slips along the way, feeding in to the addiction because we loved the cg. But in the end we realized we could no longer do the same song and dance anymore. It was our recovery that saved us.
I agree life only gets better without the addiction, but we will never be the same having to deal with it. It taught us to be strong and to never let anyone manipulate us, but again at a very high price and one I would have rather never had to experience.
The positive side again is to remember we are stronger than it and once we realized this, we knew we could overcome it. This I feel should be brought to the cg’s attention in their recovery. This addiction gets too many excuses; it really needs to be put in its place 🙂
I smiled reading about this new person in your life. How are the dates going? Pleased to read that all is well with your sons as well. They must be basking seeing their Mum happy and sadisfied with life. I am doing well, busy with work, my girls and family. Life has never been better actually, I can’t remember the last time I had a panic attack, now that is priceless.
Have a nice weekend.
XXXTwilightAs San’s wrote, you know much of this addiction and how it operates. It is never truthful and it is only out to get the next fix. Unfortunately, unless the cg is active in their recovery really wanting to stop gambling there is little anyone can do.
My father is a cg and I know from a very early age what this does to a family and how this addiction tears deep in a family. As you said there is little you can do to make anyone stop gambling, but there is much you can do to take care of yourself. I went years turning the other cheek with my father’s gambling and in the end it really nipped me. I suffered much and so did my family. This addiction just keeps on snowballing until it is either stopped, by not enabling or until it destroys the cg and often this includes the family. Your parents will always be your parents, but they are not entitled to ruin your life. Hopefully you have not enabled them as this will only allow the addicton to grow.
It seems everyone has an addiction these days, so don’t be too hard on yourself. In time the right person will come in your life , I think it is best that you just focus on you and being happy.
Take care,
TwilightGood morning Nomore,
Just read your post hoping in the next month you’ll be closer to the answers you seek. I think it is great that you are looking to find what makes you connect to anger, sadness and despair as you seem so unhappy about your life and situation. No one should feel they are waiting for their life to be over. Life truly is a gift and I do hope you will feel the same way one day.
There are parts that you have written that remind me of a dear friend I have. She prefers to think than feel, like you and is always looking at facts when making a decision. It is like her heart can’t be trusted and I have often mentioned this, but she does not want to hear it and says that is how she is. I have always respected that about her because she truly is a unique person (an artist) and I have often believed she is just misunderstood by many. And somehow this has contributed to her unhappiness; it hasn’t been until recently that we talked about our childhoods. She knows of the struggles I had with my cg father and I am beginning to know hers, the one she has guarded for many years.
She lost her mother at a young age; she was never told that her mother passed. It was always said that her mother was away and I believe this did more damage to her than just telling her the truth. She missed her mother terribly and because her father worked so much she was passed to aunts that were mean to her. She cried for hours and so did I. She believed that her mother left her and didn’t love her. She carried believing the lie she thought was the truth. I have seen a change in her and she is not as frigid and cold about her feelings; there now seems to be a lighter side of her coming out one that has her smiling more than I have ever seen her. Maybe this will also happen to you. I do hope there is something within you that will come out and you will be free of the chains that hold your happiness prisoner.
In regards to your husband when you married him 30 years ago, you were marrying the man you thought he was. I don’t think it is fair to yourself to say that it was the worst mistake of your life. You had no idea what he was hiding. I would take that guilt and throw it to the garbage. It is not your fault and I believe if you just let go of this you will be better off. It is like you are punishing yourself; you could have not prevented this.
You are who you because that is how it is, and as life passes we will always have hiccups along the way as well as moments of pure joy and love. It is a gift that you can express how you are feeling and are seeking answers to change your life around. I know your daughter would want to know that her mother is truly happy.
Thinking of you,
TwilightHi Tired,
Welcome to GT, glad you have been reading posts and hope they support you in your struggles. As Velvet has mentioned my father is a cg. He’s like your husband in regards to being very well liked, I don’t think anyone wasn’t charmed by him, and of course so was I, the dotting daughter. It seemed that the only flaw he had was his gambling, so I and others overlooked it for many years which made it easy for the addiction to grow stronger and be the master manipulator it was.
My parents were old school; being married meant for life and my mother certainly had this belief when she married my father. So she stuck it out with my father’s gambling even when utterly unhappy and beyond frustrated with my father’s gambling (lies, money missing, debts and denying that he really had a problem). My father also took this to his advantage believing their relationship was a safe haven and he could gamble and my mother would stay put, regardless of her unhappiness. Somewhere in their relationship there was a breaking point and my mother patiently waited until I turned 18, to divorce my father. I wasn’t that surprised, as I heard the fights for many years and when it was officially it really wasn’t a big deal. What I was seeing at home was not a marriage. I would never blame my mother for leaving him. I feel sorry that she had to stay with him, for what he put her through emotionally and financially all those years.
My father seemed to do well with this new found freedom, gambling whenever he wanted. My mother moved on with work and I went to college. Dad just kept gambling and I got caught up in “helping him” when he needed money. I hid this from my mother and in ways I became my mother; so unhappy with my father’s gambling. I know my mother went through hell with my father’s gambling but I got the super strong manipulative and brutal addiction trying to tear me apart, along with my family. My father’s addiction was relentless and I honestly never experienced such stress and emotional trauma in my life. It was plain scary. I still get sick with worry thinking about it.
I learned that by not doing something I was basically letting the addiction to get stronger. I could no longer turn the other cheek and just say, “he has an addiction, he can’t help it,” because that will only give the addiction leg room to become stronger. SO I found GT (thank God) and I started my recovery, this is my suggestion for you. Start with little baby steps, have consequence’s and stick by them. Don’t allow to be manipulated by him or the addiction. The addition really preys on our fears and uses it to get what it wants.
I thank God daily for the good things in my life and I know God does not want us to be unhappy. You are not here to fix your husband, only he can do that. You can love him, but don’t just accept his gambling as your duty. He has to take responsibility for his addiction and he can do this through being faithful to his recovery. There is nothing you can ever say or do for him to stop. He has got to do this and once we let go of this thought, recovery becomes our way to sanity. I wish you all the best.
TwilightHi Madge,
What a surprise to see a post by you on my thread. Thank you for your kind words. 🙂
I went back and read your last posts seeing why you are upset; your husband’s rude remarks were point blank hurtful and uncalled for. It can be partly blamed for the addiction within him, but it can’t take all the blame. Your husband still said them. I learned when people say mean things, they are insecure about themselves and want to appear like they are the better person. Still it shouldn’t excuse them from saying hurtful words and shouldn’t be tolerated or placed on the wasteside. What really gets a person’s attention are actions. They are what speak volumes.
Next time your husband says something down right mean to hurt you, I’d say for example: “You have done this one too many times and I am not going to talk to you until you think about what you said, and apologize for why you said the hurtful words you did,’ this will make him think about what he said and of course you must stick by your words. No talking period.
Recovery is never easy; looking back the hardest part was getting on the road and staying on it for dear life. There were many bumps, detours and bangs, but I managed to stay on it with help here. I could have easily jumped off because it was plain scary at times, it seemed easier to just put up with my father’s gambling saying it was an addiction, but deep down I knew I was only fooling myself. So I endured the scary, the hurtful, heart pounding times, feeling utterly scared with the help from members here and my faith.
Each little hiccup in your life is just helping you get stronger and before you know it, you will only a shed tears of happiness living a life free from despair and fear. You are doing great. There are struggles in everything in life, we just have to look pass them and know we will be alright. Have a great day.
XXXTwilightMegan,
Hope you are feeling better, if not a little just knowing that you have found the right place to start your recovery as a child of a cg. As you wrote, it truly is incredible that you are normal after going through what you did with your mother’s gambling and I share these same feelings.
You are already in a good position as you have not been helping/enabling your mother financially for the past year and a half. So in the back of her mind she already knows that you will not help again, but now with the risk of her losing everything I believe she will ask again and this time with tears and utter panic. Just know that this is also part of the addiction’s manipulation for enablement; the stakes are higher and if she is about to lose a car or apartment the performance will be downright brutal to watch. Its intention is to make you feel like you are the bad daughter for not giving in but you must hold your ground and continue not to enable.
The strategy of separating the addiction from the person has other parts. It had to separate my father’s financial problems from him. I did not get involved with his debts or hardships. I did not ask and I found when I didn’t ask I felt better. I did not need to know that he did not have car insurance anymore because this would be only stressful to me, because if he didn’t care about it then I shouldn’t either. If your mother starts unloading her financial problems just tell her that you are confident that she will figure it out, saying how smart she is. I found when I redirected my father’s requests for money to how he could do it he just stopped talking about his problems.
Also I learned from cg’s at the site that they are quite smart always finding a way to get what they need, they have friends and often they have the money somewhere. Don’t underestimate what your mother can do for herself. Again don’t get pulled in by the addiction as it will try everything to get you to crumb to its demands. If you mom pleads with you, just redirect her to how she can help herself. This really works.
When I first came here, I couldn’t stand my father. I even think I once wrote that I hated him for what his gambling did not only to his life but mine and my family. At the time when I came here he was in his mid-sixties on the verge of losing everything, when he should have been financial set for his retirement. When he lost it all, even after years of pleading with him, his addiction tried its best to keep me under its wing as it did for so many years. I had to break free somehow or I was going to suffer a major breakdown. I learned about this addiction and I never looked back with my stance of never enabling, as this is what I did for thirty plus years and I was never really happy. As I gained the tools I learned here I was able to have a somewhat relationship with my father, I was able to release any hard feelings as I did not want them anymore and I was able to love him again. Still it is not how I would have liked it to be but it is much better than I could have imagined considering the situation. My father never acknowledged his addiction so I can’t say that he recovered, but I did and that is really what is important.
It is good that you are getting your feelings out on paper; writing is so therapeutic and I do it often. It is amazing what seems to pour out of your fingers only to enlighten yourself. See this as your journey to a better life and one where your mother may find for herself.Take care,
TwilightHi Megan,
Glad that your search landed you here; it did the same for me about three years ago. This place became my saving grace when I felt all was lost. The support and wisdom from the numerous members here, family and friends, and cg in “The Journal” always had my back 🙂 Though at times I felt my stomach drop reading the truth, it was what I needed. Of course, there isn’t any judgment here but often true words can shake us; yet they are the ones that make us grow stronger.
First, as you know, there is nothing you or anyone can do that will stop your mother from gambling. Begging, pleading, or threats won’t stop her. This brought much relief to me because I thought there was something I could do, in my mind I thought there was some action I could do to make my father stop.
However, there was someone I could control and that was me. I learned that my reactions were just as important as when my father chose to gamble. I was no longer going to enable him in any way. When he called wanting money, or a place to stay, I would not help. This was incredibly hard and emotionally torture for me, because I loved my father. But I did not love the addiction and regardless of how many times I would try to talk reason to him about his gambling, he brushed it aside and protected it. So my philosophy became, I am not going to give you what you gambled away. I knew if I did I was only allowing the addiction to grow stronger in him and I did not want to be part of that anymore.
I have been to very dark places with this addiction. I went to court two times in regards to my father. I went on stand when I should have never, but again I was not going to let his addiction manipulate me. When I read about your counselor saying, you should have your mother arrested. I immediately thought, you are not having her arrested rather, she would get herself arrested for not following the law. I called the cops on my father after pleading with him to stop but he didn’t listen.
Years ago when I came here, I was bitter and I know that because I was harboring a lot of anger towards my father and what he did. I separated myself from him in a way where I had no contact with him for two years. I felt it was the only way I could live without being a total mess. I didn’t want to know what was happening in his life when he was gambling. I sought recovery here and I learned how I could have a relationship with him by separating the addiction from him. I would see him once a week and we would just have our father and daughter moments, which would work at times and sometimes, would not. The addiction would lurk out and try its best to get enablement and I would retreat back. Still it was tough but I was able to love my father and that was what I missed so much. I could see him and just enjoy him. At the end it got bad and again I had to do what I did before, but that is the only way I could have a relationship with him.
I really feel the best thing you can do now is to still love your mother and be her daughter, but you are not responsible for her financially or wellbeing. You already did this in the past and really nothing good came out of it (I did this too with a major loan). So let her deal with her financial woes and if she loses her car, it is not your concern. My father had to take a bus for a few months because he didn’t have money to make repairs and I wasn’t going to pay for it either. Your mother has got to want to stop gambling and seek recovery, there is no use trying to force her. Even if she were to promise that she is done with gambling this moment, don’t bail her out. You can love her but don’t be a puppet to her and her addiction. As you get stronger with your recovery you will see it is the best thing that you are doing for yourself.
This addiction will do whatever it needs to get enablement and it often bluffs, but we become so afraid of our loved ones words and actions that we cave in. When we feel overwhelmed by the demands of our loved ones it is best to do nothing. Let them deal with the mess they have made and be good to ourselves.
Take care,
TwilightHi Ell,
You are such a sweet person, thank you for your kind words. I admire your strength, honesty and continual support to many here. You have a candid way of reminding people of their strengths when they may have forgotten.
Ell, the greatest gift you have not only given yourself but your family is your recovery. It is priceless and will continue to guide you in life and whatever comes your way. I believe if you remember this nothing in your life will ever be too hard for you to overcome.
I hope you take a moment and see how far you have come yet in your struggles while keeping the true sweet Ell alive. Have a blessed Christmas with your daughter and husband. I’m so happy that he has been doing so well in his recovery.
Much love to you,
TwilightHi Jenny,
We both are on the site at the very same moment…how cool is that? A big hello to a dear friend who was never afraid to give her honest opinions, thank YOU.
Thank you for your kind words and I appreciated them, making me see the real deal at times. I do visit the site often, sometimes I post and sometimes I just hold back as I feel that I can be too bold and I am not one to really sugar coat. But I understand that recovery is a process and often takes time, we often have to go back and forth as you wrote and I also did the same many times.
The important part is to start one’s own recovery and stick with it. Taking the little scary steps and just not being afraid of change.
To answer your question, I actually was running, about three miles every other day. I loved it but then I pulled my hamstring and now my heel is bothering me. But I am stretching and walking but running is my goal again. The feeling afterwards is so liberating…
I see group is tomorrow but it is Christmas Eve, so I am not sure if I will be able to make it as I am going to my in-laws.MERRY CHRISTMAS JENNY!