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Hi Jilly,
Yes, as Vera has written there is a VAST difference between a CG in recovery and a CG who makes no attempt to change his life. My father and your husband share this in their lack of attempt to stop gambling or even recognizing there was a real problem.
This extremely important for family and friends to remember when the temptation to help or enable in anyway arises, when guilt may strike or if someone tries to influence by saying “but he your children’s father, etc” is to shut those voices and know you are doing the right thing, not only for you but him.Dad is doing well, and yes, he is still in the same place, doing well safe from the addiction and in ways himself. When I visit him I am still overwhelmed by joy that he is living a normal life, compared to the years prior, as you know the story. However, it was at a very high price for not just him but me and my family. I feel his years of gambling as a young man to a senior, contributed to his mental demise.
I have moved on, though I do check on a few member once in a while, my time here is limited, and instead I am throughly enjoying my children, and my family and good life doing well for myself.
I can read your strength in your post and with a big smile, I say “Go Girl.” You will see as time passes, greater things happening to you and your children. You deserve all the great things in life and karma will certainly bless you.Thinking of you often.
XXX Twilight
Dearest Jilly,
What a wonderful update, only emphasizing that in due time most of us will truly break away from the addiction like you.
Yes, trail and error and more of it, years and years of it, but it is what led you to where you are now. Surrounded by those you felt would not understand, your children, family and friends, I feel this is also one of life’s ironies. Now you and your children can move on, supporting and loving one another, not ever to worry about your ex-husband’s gambling addiction. He will have to deal with his actions alone.
Not to be a downer, but please be careful with your ex. He is good now, but once his addiction reaches a new level where he has close to nothing and his young love kicks him to the curb. He will return, he will expect for you to help and play the “We are family, we have children together. So for the sake of them, please help” card and he will be relentless. The addiction will make sure of it. Just pay it no mind. It does not control you anymore. Yet, for the now, it’s great reading that you doing a great job not letting him manipulating you, just continue this stand.
I have moved on too, much has happened with my father since you left, but like you, I am enjoying my recovery and I have you to thank, too. I will always remember how supportive your responds where to me at my darkest times. Many times I wrote to you being a bit direct yet your kind replies, only showed you appreciated what I wrote. I will always remember this. I also remember how you appreciated when I once wrote “you cannot sit on two chairs.”
Much love to you Jilly,
XXX TwilightHi Jenny,
I like Velvet’s simile of GT as an oasis, a place to stop for a period time to regain strength and start recovery. This is not a forever place, nor should it. However, it will never be forgotten and a place where one can return. I feel this is what makes it so special.
You most definitely have been an extremely supportive and active member here. Really taking in consideration all parts of a person’s concern and dilemma, more so that I could or would. I kind of cut to the point, but not you. You still have that sweetness, which is so appreciated. Your replies will be forever here on the site, helping those reading older threads. Their lives will be changed by your words. Your legacy will remain here, giving back what you received.
I have moved on as well, I don’t have it in me to post anymore about the addiction. It has already taken so much for me, even though my outcome is a blessing, two years have almost passed, even with the dust settling. I forgive my father, but what I had to endure with him and his compulsive gambling is still a hard pill to swallow. Now that I am free, I know now what it means to be truly happy, living my life with my family, laughing more than I ever had in my life, and this is how I want to continue living my life.
Thank you for all your support.
XX TwilightHi Sherry,
What really helped me was keeping my heart and mind separated, for example, I could care about him but this did not take away from the gambling he did and I was not going to enable his gambling.
Things can be amicable between you two, however, don’t let this be the gateway for him to ask favors or bailouts, these are his, and if he crosses the line wanting help, just back away. You have spent the last twenty plus years, believing and trusting him, but he kept gambling.
It is time you live your life, your ex is where he is because of his choices, his denial of the monster addiction in him and if he were to change, he has to do this by action, and not by just saying I have a problem. This can be a good start but doing nothing about it, is just really nothing. It is not a big deal and should not be rewarded.
Your son is lucky to have a mother like you, who is standing against this awful addiction. It is hard, it is probably the worst thing you will do in your life. However, in the end, your efforts will be rewarded by a healthy life, one free from stress, anxiety and sleepless nights.
Somewhere along the lines your ex will have to face his addiction, it may be years from now, but he will and maybe then he will do something about it. Any enablement by you or anyone is not going to help him and prevent a possible rock bottom. It was when I completely shut the door on the addiction did my father’s life start crumbling down to where he eventually got the help he needed. Still my life was who I was trying to save and my children’s, not so much my father’s. He had made a clear choice that he was going to continue gambling and this was enough for me to move on to a better life.
TwilightHi Sherry,
I know how it feels to be in your shoes as I was a few years ago in a similar situation (court). Actually three times for different reasons.
The first time I felt like I was going to throw up, shaking like a leaf, just a few feet away from my father, to see the person who should have never allowed for his daughter, to do what I had to so he wouldn’t further destroy my life with his gambling. Still he was trying to be nice, please what a con. Was pure evil and the most awful thing a parent can do, to see their child suffer.
Your ex is doing the same thing to you, he is playing the victim, the hurt one, now he says he has a gambling problem I feel more out of convenience , for the court’s sympathy; to save his behind. A role that many cg in denial play real well to get enablement. The minute you start feeling sorry for him, start feeling like you haven’t given your all, is the addiction getting through your wall and I would change that frame of thinking real fast or you’ll do something you’ll regret.
Continue on your recovery, don’t communicate with him, this includes writing a letter which he will misconstrued to think there is hope between you two. The best thing I feel you should do is let him live his life, let him gamble, let him take care of himself. He is not your husband anymore, it is time you let go.Your unhappiness is not because of anything you didn’t do, it’s because you tried so many times and your ex just kept gambling. He is the one who made the choice to gamble, to live in his car and the only one who can get himself out of the mess he created, not you or anyone else.
Twilight
Hi dadda,
To answer your question about explaining the destruction in their life in my opinion, is to make an example of how they should be very careful of allowing anyone else in their life with an addiction and to be very careful of not to become an addict, as they clearly know the dangers of letting something over take their lives like gambling.
This lesson is invaluable and hopefully will guide them when they make friends and the boyfriends they chose. I know my daughters even at their young ages, 12 and 7, know who to stay away from. I am proud to say that my daughters are aware of the consequences of being an addict as they have seen the end result of their grandfather, my dad.
It is a good thing your oldest daughter is moving far away, as I did the same thing when I went to college, which was hundreds of miles away from my dad. Yet, when I graduated and move back, he stuck to me like honey, and thus the enabling started. At first it was little things, “oh, can you help me out until I get paid..” and of course it continued for close to 20 years. It wasn’t until my late 30’s did I stop to give him anything.
My mother had warned me many times, about his gambling, and how I should not help, but I did. He had a way of asking that at first seemed genuine and before I knew it I was like his sugar daddy. It makes me sick thinking about the money I handed over to him, when I needed it and of course he never paid any of it back.
You daughter’s should know they are not helping him or themselves if they help him. He is the father, he should be responsible to take care of himself and if anyone should go to someone. It should be them and not him. I remember when I started saying no to giving him money, he would lash out.
I admire your strength and I know you will get through this, in all honestly I would not even think about your ex, he has taken so much from you and instead you should be thinking about your next move. When the house is auctioned off, walk away knowing your life will only get better.
Take care,
TwilightHi James,
You are a sweet man, only wanting what is best for you and your daughter and still your wife. Believe you are doing right for all, as you are the one seeing clearly.Move on with your plans, whether it is separation or divorce I don’t think there is much of a difference. The marriage has been touched by this addiction and as you have wrote, you have done all you can.
As the years pass, your wife’s addiction will get worst, as it is no secret this addiction just keeps get stronger. Maybe she will eventually hit rock bottom, however there is also a chance that she will not and continue to gamble. As Velvet has written, what we think is rock bottom is not always the case for cg. My father lived in a car on and off for two years and he still gambled. This is sad, this addiction is sad, what it does to people is sad, but again the addiction is not holding the persons hands to gamble. The addict is raising their hand to gamble, they are driving, walking, taking a bus, hitch hiking, etc, to the casinos, or maxing their credit cards for online gambling.
I think it is wise that you have what ever bank statements or credit card statements to show the court of her gambling, etc. This is just to show that your wife has a problem, as the courts always like to keep families together. I would have the years you have been married outlined, along with her gambling patterns and how much she owes to the casinos, etc.
Remember to take care of you in this difficult time and remember you don’t have to justify your actions, you are really the only one who knows of the hell you have been going through.
Take care,
TwilightHi Dadda,
You are most certainly being heard and prayed for, but as you know there are no easy fixes. I remember your story with your ex and the house, your tough situation and your daughter. It’s an inspiration that you have made it this far, you are most certainly a strong person who will continue to walk through this hell your husband has made for you.
I feel you need this closure, though you may be financially ruined, etc by your husband’s gambling addiction, it is about over and you have your life.
What I would do is find living arrangements either through a friend, even if you put whatever you have in storage and sleep on a couch, or if that is not possible, go to a local church, there is a place for you and your daughter. It seemed to me the more I looked the more I found, never allowing myself to feel defeated.
Just let go of your husband and what he has done to you, there is nothing that can take it away, and there is nothing he or anything can do to take it away. As they say the damage is done. The monster in him will not ever change, unless he wants it to and we know that answer already. Honestly at this point I wouldn’t give him any mind or thought or reason for him to last out. He has proven who he is and let him go gambling his heart out, but without you ever having to ever deal with his BS again.
You will get through this, you just can’t get hung up on what has passed, and how unfair your situation is because as you said no one really cares, this just shows gambling addiction is really not equivalent to drug and alcohol addiction. Yet, those that have lived it knows it is, when someone takes drug or drinks they either pass out, etc but gambling addicts can go hours and hours and gamble until they have lost everything, which greatly impacts family.
Just keep believing and seeing the good things in your life, plugging away to what is available to you.Best wishes,
TwilightHi James,
I’d say do what you feel is right and if you feel moving far away, then do so. You are the sound person who is looking for your daughter. You have given your wife chance after chance and she can’t manage her gambling, her reasons are hers. Yet, your daughter should be given the best shot to live a normal life, not one controlled by the addiction, having to make sacrifices in order to bail her mother out, debts that certainly will have an affect on her. I think it is wise to separate this debt from you, so you won’t be responsible.
Of course this is extremely tough on you, but never feel like you are breaking the family, or taking your daughter away from her mother because guilt and others will tell you to work on it more. Of course, it will be up to you, but if it were me I’d make sure to get my daughter out of harms way.
About four years ago, I stopped my daughters from seeing their grandfather, they were 8 and 3. As I was estranged from him, after numerous interventions yet he kept gambling. My point is my youngest doesn’t remember the crazy things he said and did to upset me. However, my now 12 year old, the older daughter, still remembers what I went through.
Take it easy, this won’t settle over night or even a month. It will take time for you, but do how you feel and if someone tries to pressure you to forgive your wife or gives you the spill how staying together is the best thing for your daughter, they haven’t live with an addiction as cruel and manipulative as gambling. It’s an addiction but doesn’t erase any of their actions and it should never be used as an excuse or crutch. Life is full of rules and consequences.Take care,
TwilightHi James,
Your daughter is only 2, what she cries about now she will not remember, but as the years pass and the older she gets, there will be a time when she will. Her mother’s addiction has not touched her yet, as there is a term called child amnesia. So really think about going back and forth with your wife. She needs help, but if she is not willing to get the help and stick with it. The skies the limit with this addiction and what it will do to your daughter.
I know as a child of a cg, hands down my life will always have scars because of my father’s gambling.
TwilightHi P,
It is good that you are expressing your feelings and getting them out of your system. I do believe this is a huge part in getting what bothers us out so we can move on. This part in your recovery you have mastered.
Also, you are not in denial about your gambling addiction; you know the hold it has over you, and you are not underestimating the destruction it has and the further destruction it may do. You are afraid it will get worst and you are right to be scared as it will.
Yet, you have your slips and each time afterwards you regret them. Yet you still have them. I think you have been slapped enough times by the addiction to know it is not your friend, nor will it bring anything good in your life, the big win it is fooling you to think is just around the corner or next bet will never happened. The few times my father was forthcoming about this addiction, I remember when he said along the lines, “When I needed to win money the most, I never did. I only kept losing.”
Somehow you have to remember this, and usually in desperation we are not the most levelheaded.From what I have read, you have a job, a family and you have not lost everything. What you have are the consequences of your gambling, debts. The addiction knows this and uses it to get you to gamble more. So stop, stop listening to it. You have a better chance paying it off and getting on with your life, than if you were to gamble today.
We all have free will, the mess you are in was not just created, and it will take time for it to seem like it is getting smaller, but you are in a much better situation than you if you continue to gamble.Don’t place unnecessary pressure on yourself. You have a lot of good things in your life, start focusing on them and remember no amount of gambling will ever truly make you happy.
Take care,
TwilightRock bottom was what I was praying for, hoping my dad would finally see the light of the addiction controlling his life. When I knew he was living in the car, not working, just living on a little pension he would see the light, but no. I felt he would certainly see how his situation was the result of gambling, but again he didn’t. If anything gambled more and demanded more from others and me, always wanting money, now looking back he knew he had nothing to lose. It is truly sad when it gets to this point, not just for the cg, but the family members. I had many nights feeling sick to my stomach, afraid for him but still I did not give in. I knew my father if I did he would think all was well again and the vicious cycle would start again.
Tougher times are still ahead for you but remember whatever your cg pulls you can handle it, just remember your reaction is what is most important. Action is really the only thing that moves a cg, not screaming or threatening or crying, these actions only show the addiction that it has control over you.
There is nothing you can say to him that will move him to stop, only following through, as you did yesterday filing contempt papers. Don’t give the addiction room to do anymore damage.
You will be fine, keep running to keep your sanity and you are on this road to recovery for you and your children.
Take care,
TwilightHello and welcome to GT, I agree with Sans the only validation should only come from you , however, I do understand it feels good to hear from others say you did the right thing and YOU DID. YOU ABSOLUTELY DID THE RIGHT THING.
Now you are must start your recovery, this is very important in moving on with your life, getting stronger and healing your heart and spirit. What you and others have endured with a cg in denial is and was hell, there is no other comparisons and it will take time for you to heal from the madness and cruelness of this addiction. It knows no mercy and will continue to take what it can from those who love them. Reading when you wrote about finishing the race, really tugged at my heart. AS my father would do the same thing, yet this was when I passed an important exam for my job. It was like it went through one ear and out, only wanting money.
The support you will receive here will help you get on track and also help you deal with your ex or husband, because unfortunately he will be back. He will knock on your door, demanding what his addiction is shouting to him, he will say he is homeless , that he loves you , he will say anything to make you feel guilty,to make you feel like you are the bad person, don’t listen, if anything he has to prove himself, and I’d say this take time (years) just be prepared and keep in mind if you give in, all the work you have placed against this addiction will not be as effective.
You, and I am including myself, are in this situation because we allowed it, we enabled and we were afraid of truly standing up to this addiction. We allowed the term, husband and father, stop us from saying enough is enough.
When an addict doesn’t seek help and continues to be destructive than how can we support this behavior? Yet, many of us do, or have, for the wrong reasons. We cannot wish an addiction away.
My father is a cg, I lived with this addiction at a young age, when my parents divorced when I was 18, I unknowingly and unwillingly became his enabler until I was in my late 30’s. This addiction has no shame as it targeted me, however, the good news is that I stopped it from attaching itself to my daughters, my father’s granddaughters. It will never hurt another soul, yet it still lives with my father, it is his headache and no one else’s.
Though the boards seem slow, go back and read posts, there is so much to learn from reading other’s posts.Best wishes,
XXTwilight