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Hi Kevin,
Welcome to GT, it has been my saving grace and a place I was able to aquire skills that helped me in my recovery to eventually live a normal, happy life.
Your journey will not come without bumps and hiccups, just stay on the road, doing what you can. Having a parent that has an addiction is heartbreaking, because they are your flesh and blood. However, when the addiction starts calling the shots and the addict lets it, then changes have to be made or the child will fall down with the parent. The child will be left with nothing but more heartache and empty pockets.
The threat of suicide is no joking matter and it makes me sick to think that it is often used by any addict to get what they want. It is a selfish threat, that should never be said to make a loved one give in to their demands. I realize your mom has a history with suicide which I feel a professional would be the best to advise you. But I do know I could not live my life in the shadows of anyone threatening to kill themselves so they can get what they want. That I find too controlling and manipulative, and cruel.
When my father first said it, I was stone cold terrified. I didn’t know what to do, where to run to or how I could help. However, I was too far in my recovery to give in to his demands of money. I knew I wasn’t helping matters if I did.
The last time my father threaten his life, he did so to my neighbor. He said if I didn’t help him he would kill himself, this was said to the neighbor’s high school son. I had him Baker Acted and he is finally living a good life.
I don’t know all the details of your mom, but if she stills has a house she is still in a good spot compared to many other cg’s who are homeless. Is she paying her bills? Does she come for gamblilng money when she runs out of money? How regularly are you giving her gambling money?
If you don’t change your ways, the addiction will get worst, more than you can imagine. I gave money to my dad, someimes it was easier than dealing with his addiction. However, it backfired, because it saw me as its money source. You are in a tight spot, but you can start changing little by little, as you have written your mom gets reactive and lays the guilt on you, but you have to push that aside and not give in.
If possible have a heart to heart with her, let her know your feelings and whatever you tell her, make sure you stick by it. If you don’t, the addiction will laugh and know it has you in the palm of its hand.
Your recovery is what is important, it is the only chance you have to live a good life and in the long run it may help your mom truly see what her gambling addiction is doing to her.Take care,
TwilightHi Mowglette,
It is certainly normal to have questions about love and motivation racing in our minds. We think how could have there been love, when the reality of what was going, hence the gambling was happening behind our backs. I wouldn’t doubt his love for you; as you wrote what you two went through hell fighting to get your visas. However this doesn’t change what is happening now with his gambling.
The question is what will he do? Will he get the help? He ran off, for reasons he only knows, the addition to gambling can leave a person feeling worthless, and he could be buying himself time to calm things down or he could have gone on a gambling binge. I do believe you will hear from him. Take this time to reflect, if you are unsure what you want, just do nothing for now until you get a firmer feel for what you want.
Please keep in mind, this addiction does not go away on its own or there wouldn’t many families throughout the word struggling with the effects of a cg in denial.Take care,
TwilightHi Mowglette,
Welcome, you have most definitely made the right decision to start on your recovery starting here. Reading other threads here will help you understand the addiction, know its manipulative ways, and how to start gaining control of your life. It is a process that won’t happen over night, or months, and sometimes even years. But it will get you closer to living a normal life. I promise this.
From what I know, by what you wrote, your husband broke away because he knew his gambling would be discovered, meaning his losses, deep down knowing what he did was wrong. HIs losses are probably more than you can imagine and he knows this would not be acceptable. So he is most probably hiding at this point, trying to strategize his next move. I can’t say for sure, but from what I know, and what others write here it may be the case. He will probably reappear, asking for forgiveness, professing his love for you, and this is where the ball will be in your court.
You will have to decide what to do. Take him back? Create consequences if he were to gamble again. And if he isn’t in denial of his gambling and is sincere that he has a gambling problem and wants help what is he going to do about it. There has to be a committed from him. It is going to be up to you. That is why you must seek active recovery for yourself and your decisions will also influence your daughter.
She is still at an age where the hurt she may feel if things don’t work out with your husband, won’t leave lasting scars. However, if you just let your husband get away with his gambling, she will see this, as we all know here, once the cg gets deeper in the addiction gambling any money they can get their hands on. It will have a huge impact on finances. So think about this.
If it were me, I would not contact him, I would let him contact you and explain himself. Don’t feel like a fool, because you are a very smart person who is seeking help because you know his compulsive gambling is not normal and you have seen the ugly of it.
We have many wonderful members here, who will be here to support you. In the meantime have fun with your daughter at Disneyland Paris, how exciting. Seven is such a wonder age, my youngest is 8.Take Care,
TwilightDear Jenny,
I smiled the whole time, reading the words from a very happy Jenny. The journey was undoubtedly hard, full of ups and downs, dealing with feelings that tore at your heart, bringing you to dark places, but you made it girl. And how you did.
Reading your update was like reading the resolution in a beloved novel; so thrilled that everyone in the family is doing well in their endeavors, happy, and living healthy lives and of course, that there is a Jenny happy ending.
I like how you wrote how proud you are of your boys dealing with their father. Of course, they learned from a seasoned mum, saying this in a good way. So, some good did come out of it all and you and your boys are prepared to deal with any situation. I’m sure you have a highly effective BS radar/sensory like me, so not much slides by anymore, LOL.
But honestly life could only get better after sticking with your recovery. It was what made all of this goodness possible. Thrilled you are finally enjoying going out. Since my girls are still younger, the going out in the evenings are not here yet, but I have been meeting old tennis friends for doubles. Somehow playing on the courts again, has me smiling more in my life.
I hope others read all of your posts, as they are treasures just as this one.
Love,
TwilightHi Michelle,
It’s good that you keep returning here for support, it is here where you will gain the tools to break through this addiction in your own time.
We all want there to be hope, we all want to hold on to the dream/prayer that our cg will stop gambling and be the person they were. It was a dream of mine for many many years and if my father had shown any true desire to face his addiction and seek recovery I would have been there. I would have supported him, there is no question about it.
I spent most of my life being his number one fan, many times looking the other way when he would tell me little lies and hold on to the idea that I was always going to be there for him, because I loved him.
But as the years past with his addiction getting stronger. I had to do something, though I believe if I could have postponed it I would. I did not want to take the tough love approach, but I was at the end of my rope just a few inches from being eaten by sharks (life). I had always given him the benefit of the doubt, which cost my immediate family emotional and financial distress . Everyone but I was seeing what was happening, his gambling was getting him in trouble and I had to finally face the music I dreaded to. I finally had to face him and his addiction. I was at a very depressing place in my life. Anxiety taunted me, taking any good thing in its grip to destroy.
Coming here to the site was a blessing, I learned about the addiction. I couldn’t figure how my father couldn’t just stop gambling. After reading and learning, I learned it was like a drug addiction, it really screwed around a person’s thinking. I got excited thinking I could work around his addiction, developing strategies. The biggest was separating the addiction from the person. I found joy being able to love and spend time with my father. If the addiction would ask for enablement I would say no and not feel bad about it. Knowing that it was the addiction that was trying me, however, my ending is not a happy one.
My father did not ever admit to having a gambling problem and without that admission, he never seemed treatment. However, in the mist of my recovery I was able to move on with my life, and I truly can say I am the happiest I have been in a long time. I thank God for the support here and for the strength I was able to build by the people here, especially Velvet, Jenny, Loob Loo and Jilly.
My advice is for you to live your life being the best mom you can be to your little girl. Don’t push a relationship with your ex, it will only bring more heartache. We don’t know the future, he may change, but it really shouldn’t be your concern. If he doesn’t it is his loss and just knowing that he has an older daughter he doesn’t speak to speaks volumes.
Take care,
TwilightHi Happy,
I so appreciate your reply on my thread here on the other side; as I post mostly on the F & F forum; reading what you went through as a teenager gave me a chill, being a reminder of how childhood experience are still in our memories. I’ll never forget when my mom would stress over about the unpaid bills and my dad would say, “At least there is a roof over your head.” Really? It doesn’t take away from the fact that the house was in dire need of repair. Anyway, your memory, struck one in mine. Going back to yours, I smiled reading how your dad gave you money for the things you needed. This also reminds me of my mother and her little money stash she had, changing it often so dad wouldn’t come across it to spend on gambling. How is your mum now?
The addiction wants you to feel shame of your failings because it is cruel like that. It uses it to get you to gamble again, giving you false hope that you will win it big, so you can wipe free whatever failings you feel. There isn’t a person alive that doesn’t have failings, when you think about it, they are springboards to success. I have my fairshare, but they are not to ever make me feel guilty. We are not perfect, nor will we ever be. Whenever you feel down about them, just remind yourself you are not alone.
For the amount of cg out in the world, these boards should be pumping out a thread every minute. You are ahead of many as you are aware that gambling is not something that suits you. It gets you angry, stresses you out, and for now it is controlling you. I think you give it too much credit, saying you can’t stop, because you can. Take baby steps, spend more time with your son. Schedule activites with him, if you are going to gamble. If you feel like gambling, remember what happens afterwards. You gamble, you lose, then you’re depressed, angry, etc.
I do think it is a good idea to hop over to the F & F side, we are on the flip side of the addiction. Unfortunately, many deal with cg that are in denial of their gambling. There is alot to be learned from each other, maybe you could start posting there as well.
My journey is really done, my father is in a safe place, he can’t gamble, but I think if you knew his story it would really shake you up to think about gambling. He was a successful man, had his own business, etc, however, with the years passing he lost a little at a time. However, each year he slipped deeper in his addiciton, until he lost everything and lived in a car.
My reflections are for problem gambling on all levels; I just want people to see what horror it can do to a family if not taken care of.I wish you the best,
TwilightHi Michelle,
You are doing extremely well, none of this is easy; we are all human, and of course, there are situations where we can be flexible.
However, keep in mind, that tough love mixed with the insight to see what is really happening in a situation, gives everyone in a relationship what is needed to not be taken by any addiction. I like to see the addiction as a separate identity, bullying the addict to believe lies, and of course it tries to bully friends and family imhumanly. Standing firm is like being an advocate for the person, and of course yourself and child. It is never wrong to show compassion, but not enable. We all know the worst type of enablement is monetary, that is a line, in my opinion, does more harm, as the addiction has gotten what it wanted.
Living life the fullest with your daughter, sharing precious moments together is what matters the most. The next time your ex doesn’t call or do as he says, let it roll down your shoulders and off of you; don’t let it bring you or your daughter down. Show that you are not interested in games.Take care,
TwilightHI Michelle,
Glad I could help in anyway, another valuable lesson I learned in my recovery is not to care about what others think about me and my choices. I am the only person who can say what is right for me.
When we listen to others, and do what they say, we are going against what is right for us. The least of your concerns in what he thinks or says. He is full of the addiction, to know what he is really saying, the addiction will say things that strike at the heart. This is called emotional blackmail, trying to reel us in, so we will feel guilty. I also refer to it as a low blow.
10 years is a long time, I am sure a good chunk of your life. Don’t you think it is time you really move on? I still read a little attachment to him, with him being on your computer and reading his emails. If you feel the need to get something out of your system, write it done. There is no need to lash out at him, he will not really hear you and you will only get more frustrated for even trying. The addiction is not deserving of your heartfelt emotions or tears, it will only use it against you.
The relationship at this point should be civil for your daughter’s sake, but speaking or spending time with him otherwise should stop; there is no reason for it.
We are creatures of habit, so I can see why you still call him, but have you really tired meeting other friends to talk to? OR just go out for a walk, pick up a book, watch a movie, go outside with your daughter. There is a thousand things you can do to make your day a better one.
Yes, I am in contact with my father now, seeing him every few weeks. A few years back it was discovered that he has dementia. I firmly believe the years he gambled contributed to this in someway. I do believe you do end up losing your mind to gambling, of course this is my opinion, but I have found facts showing good reason for the connection.
Your daughter’s happiness is what mothers want for their child, and even though we want the fairytale family, it is not always possible. What’s more important than having a father in her life, is one where an addiction does not destroy her.
I wish, as I do with all cg, he acknowledges his addiction, gets the treatment he needs and sticks with it. It is possible, but it has to be his desire and not just yours or your daughter. In the meantime, work on your recovery so you may become stronger for not just you but your daughter.
All the best,
TwilightHi Michelle,
Your wishes for your daughter to have her father in her life is admirable and a true reflection of what a good person you are. However, you may want to rethink it as I am sure you have wished this for yourself with your ex; wanting him to be the man you knew he could be, showing you signs of capability; however he always seemed to run back to gambling, leaving you high and dry, breaking your heart.
Do you really think he will act differently around your daughter? Will common sense come before his gambling? As long as he continues to be in denial of his gambling he will always put gambling first.
Your daughter is still very young, where the tears she cries for her father now, desperate;y wanting him will pass. Seeing her cry now, is nowhere as bad as the tears will be when she is older, when he has maniputated her and used her to enable his gambling. I was born to a cg, one who never whole-heartedly admitted to his gambling addiction; of course there were a few occations when he knew there was no other choice.
I would not push a relationship with him, stop calling him to see your daughter. Spent the time with her, if she asks about him somehow skirt around it, until she forgets. There is no need to reinforce her desire to hear from him.
Five years ago, I cut ties with my father, my daughters were 4 and 9; and of course they adored their grandfather because they had no idea what he was really doing, I was torn, but I went ahead with the estrangement because I was not going to let the cycle repeat itself with my daughters. I told my oldest why grandpa was not coming around , at first she still didn’t see the big deal of his gambling, but as time past she did. Now that she is 13. she is aware about addictions and how dangerous they are. Just knowing that both of my girls are safe from my father’s addiction is worth more than wanting for them to have their grandfather in their life. They are better not having to live that lie.
It is you and her that are important; and if it means it is just you two without your ex, there is nothing remotely wrong with that. Don’t try to fit him in your daughter’s life when he is showing little effort to be the father he should.
Take care,
TwilightHi Madge,
Great update, and to be honest I wasn’t expecting such a change in you. Not to bring the past up, but I feel it is worth to make the comparison as you seem much happier of a person now. It is like night to day.
Maybe it is because you have released the idea that you have to make sure your husband gets over his addictions, or that you finally let go of the idea that marriage is forever, getting rid of that enormous pressure and with that realization made, you have let go, letting whatever may happen be.
I believe the road to recovery changes us more than we realize, especially in the beginning. As we travel, we change, and can no longer go back to our old ways, we can’t shake the feelings of warnings, and the hunches we have that are protecting us. During our recovery, we start listening to our rational side, we start seeing how things really are and not how we want them to be.
Life is too short, I am feeling this more and more with each passing day. I believe we feel this way, when we start feeling good about ourselves and start appreciating life.
There will always be hiccups in life, with or without the addiction, children also have a way of pushing our buttons, and we have to stay true to what is good for us.
Thrilled you are doing so well.
Twilight
Dear San,
I read the fear in your words. I read the frustrations and the hopelessness. I have been there.
The best advice I can give, is to retrieve yourself away from your son for a long time. I did this with my father, I shut him out completely even though we lived in the same city.
I blocked his number from my phone and never answered unknown phone numbers. I chose this route the last few years of him terrorizing me because he knew how to get to my heart, he knew how pull me in where I felt guilty. He knew how to turn the tables, then saying I love you and when I didn’t help, he would threaten to kill himself if I didn’t cave into his demands. Of course I was a mess, but at the end I told him go ahead and guess what? He didn’t. It was the addiction bluffing.
In these times you have to remember the last time you helped him, it did nothing, but allowed him to gamble again.
He is so deep in the addiction that there is nothing you or anyone can do. He does not have the desire to stop, his desire is to continue to gamble.
I realized through the years, the best defense is our recovery. Be good to you, vowing to never feed into the addiction. Remembering we have to often take extreme measures not to be abused by the addiction.Love,
TwilightDear Dadda,
Hello, here is no question of the malice you have suffered from your ex cg. It is a miracle that you are functioning, and are surviving as well as you are, please do not give up this far along in your recovery.
You are a SURVIVOR in the highest form, don’t let others tell you otherwise, just keeping doing for you. The worst is behind you, unfortunately you will continue to deal with the aftermath of you ex cg until it stops. However, take refuge in knowing it will end.
I can only comment about a cg in denial like your ex, not the ones on this site or any other seeking recovery, the ones in denial are the majority of the cg in the world. Never admitting to their gambling problem or the havoc they are causing their families, as you know my father is one of them.
I do believe a cg in denial, when pushed by the addiction to get money, enablement, will without question engage in malicious behavior, becoming dangerous to be around, with their threats and aggression.
I am sure there are women who have not only been verbally abused by their cg which we read countless times here, but have been physically abused. My father held his hand up to me when he didn’t like what I said; he knew I wasn’t going to give in, this was enough for me to be scared and to believe he had it in him to strike me. Many may say but he didn’t, but I was holding my daughter, so who knows. He may have if it was just me. It is a blessing that you are out of the marriage.
The good news is time does heal all wounds. When I accepted the wrongs that were done to me, which I will admit took awhile. I was on my way to a better life. In the process I forgave myself, often times blaming myself for not seeing what was really happening.
This is your time to create your new life, don’t try to correct the system anymore, it is truly futile, the lack of support for families of cg is truly a cry, or waste too much time dwelling in the injustices of the gambling system. You want out of that life, you should tell yourself I don’t want to be connected to anything that is linked to gambling. Honestly I avoid it like the plague. I limit my time here, I am done with my recovery, but when I read about someone struggling like you, it hits home.
Just remember you are never alone, you have your daughters to be thankful for and God, aka your higher power. At the end of my recovery when I was dealing with the craziness of my father, the law, his obvious demise I let it go. I let God handle it. Just believe your break is not too far away, because you keep on chipping away.Twilight
Hi Goodgirl,
I was once the forever good girl and easily manipulated girl, until I started my recovery. I learned the bailouts I thought would open his eyes to his addiction did the opposite. It only allowed for his gambling addiction to grow into a immortal monster and thighen its claws on my emotions and purse strings.
Helping you mom is admirable to an extent because she is your mother, but when she continues to gambling and put herself in the dire situations regardless of age is irresponsible. I don’t believe in bail outs, and when she said she would survive of eggs until her next check. It’a the addiction in her playing big shot, so don’t spend anytime worrying about her needs. She is fine with bare minimum as she has been gambling most of her money.
There is much to learn about the addiction, it is the master of manipulation. If you feel she is mentally unstable you could contact social services and have her evaluated due to her age. It is known many dementia patients increase their gambling.
The most important thing is for you to start your own recovery, everything else should be second.Take care,
TwilightHi Hopeful,
I am a child of a cg who never owned up to his addiction, who never took it seriously, who only slightly admitted that he had a problem when he needed a bail out. When he was scared of being on the streets. He is the type of cg that run rampant in the world destroying the lives of spouses and children.
I lived with this addiction at a young age until my late 30’s. I was my father’s scapegoat, his biggest enabler and he left me with nothing but debts. This was done after he did the same to my mother. This is the reality of many whose parent is a cg in denail. I was used and abused by this addiction.
By placing your children’s best interest forth, you have spared them much anxiety, having to walk around eggshells around their father, have spared them from not being able to do what other children do because there is no money. Instead you are giving them every chance to live a normal and healthy life. You did it the first time by leaving their father at young ages, they will never know the true, cruel mannerism of their father’s drug addiction. Thanks to you and your stance for them not to ever believe they should be treated or treat someone the way your ex did. This world is tough enough, but having an addict in the house who has no desire to get help and continues to gamble regardless of how small it is, or do drugs, etc is setting the whole family for disaster. No one is perfect of course, but an addiction is never a character flaw, it is a chosen one. One that can be corrected if the desire to do so is within the addict and unfortunately not many have the desire to do so.
I can honestly say, I would have rather not known my father, than live the life I did for so many years. He did much damage to me emotionally and financially. I don’t hold grudges, but I am not stupid to ignore what he did. I am just thankful that it is over and I am finally living a joyful and happy life with my children. I see him occationally when I feel like it, and often when I leave, I cry because of the years I wasted, basically living in a world of anxiety covering his lies, helping him, being the loyal daughter. Because many said in his defense, he is your father. I realize what stupidity those words were, such hogwash. I should have cut ties with him after the few times I discovered he was lying. How my life and my mother’s life would have been better for it. But of course, that is neither here or there, but I have learned never to ever get on a sinking ship again. My daughter’s were not immune by this addiction, especially my oldest who is 13. However, they have learned what addiction is and to stay away from it.
You have made brave choices and they are ones many only can wish to do. I believe many who will read your words will find the courage and strength to follow their guts.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Twilight