[trulyshi]

Kathryn, I think Ken’s reflection for the day – month of August – was meant for you and I to read.  It woke me up. Deb– 8/3/2012 11:10:43 AM: post edited by trulyshi.

[trulyshi]

I have these visions of you with your sore knee and Carole with her sore toe, hobbling together to the porch, with your arms around each other in order to hold each other up, and a marguerita in your free hands.  Deb

[trulyshi]

Woke up at 5:30AM in a puddle of sweat because you-know-who was ****** beside me directly in front of the fan.  I came downstairs to find the air conditioner shut off and the temp read 28 degrees C.  By my figuring that’s about 88 degrees F and that’s too fricken hot for this menopausal lady.  I went around slamming all the windows shut and cranked on the air so I’m not a soaking mess before work.  I will NOT pay rent to live in a steam bath.  I find myself right now fluctuating between extreme anger and self-pity.  One more day of work and I’ve got the week off.  Really not looking forward to it since I have no plans but I will keep busy.  Deb

[trulyshi]

Wanted to say thank you for all your support and encouragement, you are such a good friend.  I keep thinking that things have to get better soon.  Glad your ankle is healing enough to get you out of that cast.  Bet you took a nice long hot bath after getting it off.  Deb

[trulyshi]

He tried to tell me this morning that he really does still love me, but I couldn’t say it back to him.  I couldn’t *** and had to tell him that I didn’t feel anything.  Actually I do feel something, I feel despair and unhappiness.  Can someone please tell me why I feel worse that I ever have, even when I was gambling?  This really isn’t fair, I thought I had hit my rock bottom, how can I keep going lower?  I appreciate all the votes of confidence and the compliments but I really don’t deserve them, I’m absolutely miserable.  Yes, Bettie, I see danger signs all around me and I do recognize them and will put preventative measures in place, to gamble now would undo all the good I’ve done (thank you for being such a good friend, only someone who really cared would point that out right now and I appreciate it).  I just realized how I feel, it’s like I’m in mourning.  Not for him, but for me.  Is it okay to feel sorry for yourself?  Deb

[trulyshi]

Great minds think alike girl.  I’ve just made a giant pot of coffee and I’m going to ingest as much of it as I can before going off to work.  I think I might do a road trip of my own next week and go to visit my son.  He’s a 5 hour drive away and if I can get up the nerve to conquer my "highway demons" I’m going to do it.  I’ve always hated driving on the highway, the trucks scare the crap out of me.  Other than sitting on the couch all week though I think it might be a good alternative.  Keep that leg elevated as much as you can, don’t try and overdo it today.  Luv ya, Deb

[trulyshi]

Bettie, one of the first things I’m going to do once I get out of this mess is to get my passport, I would love to do a road trip with you.  Carole, you have offered me some amazing insights and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, you are a very smart woman.  I confronted the bf last night and told him I don’t love him anymore.  He told me that he didn’t love me either.  I then asked him if I could have just a bit of time to find a place to live and gather my belongings and he said of course, that he hoped we could part as friends.  An hour later he tried to hug me and kept telling me to come over to him.  I just told him that he had hurt me terribly with some of his actions and that I was very lonely and didn’t want to start gambling again so this was for the best.  I said that material things mattered more to him than I did and I couldn’t live like this anymore.  He said that he knew he had done alot of things wrong and was just realizing his behavour was unnacceptable.  I just went up to bed, what’s done is done.  Guess what?  He plopped himself into bed around 3am and I’ve probably slept an hour total after that.  Once I wake up it’s very hard for me to go back to sleep, especially if I have alot on my mind.  Two more days and I’ve got a week’s vacation.  I’m going to spend it apartment hunting.  I’m glad I live close to downtown and my work – that way I can go on a nice walk each day and look for rental signs on the buildings.  Time to make a pot of coffee and try to wake up fully to start my day.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

Hi Schnauz and welcome to GT.  It’s funny how, as a compulsive gambler, I felt I was in total control when I was sitting at a slot machine.  No one was going to tell me what to do, and if I wanted to gamble – well it was my money and I’d darn well do it.  The sad truth of the matter, as you pointed out, is that I was out of control and just the opposite was true.  Gambling controlled every aspect of my life.  I was immune to things that were going on around me and being done to me.  Reality is harsh, and there is no immediate fairy tale ending when you stop gambling.  I was wrong on that ***** too, I expected everything to be rosy and that money would start building up in my ac***** right away and debts would magically control themselves.  ‘I’m very slowly regaining control of my life now and will continue forward.  Best of luck to you and keep journalling.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

Hi Me, and welcome to GT.  You are so right, it’s not until we each hit our own personal rock bottom that we can begin to recover and gain some sanity.  This site is a wonderful support system and it’s what has been lacking in my past attempts to stop gambling.  I find myself gaining strength daily through my own research and also the words of others.  You are not the only one here who has gambled rent or mortgage money.  I have refinanced my loan three ***** over the years, it would have been repayed many years ago had I been able to stop gambling then.  Best of luck to you and keep journalling.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

Just a short note from me, Jim.  If my partner told me he had gambled again and incurred alot of debt I’m not sure what I would do, I guess I would know at that time.  However, I can tell you what I would do if I found out down the road that my partner had withheld that information from me and I found out through other means – I would leave him.  I would consider that a definite breach of trust and could never trust him again.  I would constantly wonder what else he had withheld or **** to me about.  A partnership is just that – the good with the bad.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

Wow.  That’s all I can say to that Carole, wow, and thank you.  That was truly a necessary eye opener, it made me laugh but then I cried.  Vera, I’m so tired right now that I can barely keep my eyes open.  I just got home from work about a half hour ago and here’s how that half hour has gone:
Came out of work to find him waiting in my car by the curb.  I hopped in the car, really happy that I didn’t have to walk home in the heat.  He didn’t speak to me except to say, we’ll go home and get your purse – I forgot it and we need your casino card so we can get a free buffet for dinner.  We got home and he opened up the front door and he shouted out "Hey Bruno, how’s it going buddy", to the dog.  I sat down on the front porch and he turned and asked me if I wanted to go get changed before we went to the casino.  I told him I would really rather not go, first of all I had a long day at work, I was tired and I didn’t want to go…… period.  I told him that I felt unappreciated today at work and that I feel unappreciated at home too so it was a lose, lose situation.  He got indignant and asked me what I meant about being unappreciated at home.  I told him that when the dog gets a better greeting than I do, then there’s obviously a problem.  He said that he always greets me warmly and I stared at him incredulously and told him that I look for it every night, I wait for even a ***** or I missed you today, or how was your day,  and….. it doesn’t come.  He threw his hands up in the air and yelled, fine, I was parked in a no parking zone waiting for you to come out of work and so this is how you’re going to act? So that’s the way it’s going to be tonight?  Fine.  Then he stormed into the house and then stormed right out again, told me over his shoulder that he was going for a walk and disappeared. 
I think I’m going to go out now, take a book and have a nice dinner by myself.  You are probably right Carole, he sees the writing on the wall and his pride won’t allow him to do anything else except continue to treat me like ****.  The old Debbie is gone, she’s not coming back and nothing he does can make that happen.

[trulyshi]

I think we should make you a token Canuck what with all the time you’ve spent in Canada lately, lol.  Try to elevate that leg as much as possible this week, you want it to be okay for your big trip out west next week.  My vacation is next week too and I plan on being as lazy as possible so I will try to think of you and Carole sipping your margueritas while I’m laying on the couch drinking my beer.  Deb

[trulyshi]

I spoke too soon yesterday.  I was awoken at 2:30am by being pushed over against the wall to make room for the bf to get into bed.  I was startled into being wide awake and couldn’t go back to sleep so just came downstairs, found an alarm clock and laid down on the couch.  I must have fallen asleep since I woke up there at 6am.  It’s obvious to me now that he’s doing it on purpose, perhaps as some kind of punishment – who knows?  I wish I could just sleep on the couch all night but he’s there on his computer and watching t.v. till all hours of the night so that’s not an option.  There is nowhere else to sleep.  I’m off on vacation time next week so it will be a good time to start looking around.  I’m so tired, too tired to even cry.  I’m starting to think that he wants me to move out but doesn’t want to tell me, perhaps this is his way of getting me to leave on my own.  Time to make some coffee and get started on the day, it can only get better….. right?

[trulyshi]

I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes for even a second.  You are beautiful inside and out and your friendship means the world to me.  I’m having a really down day and feeling very sorry for myself.  I can’t even work up the energy today to pour myself a cup of coffee…….   big sigh.  Call me when you get home from work, Deb

[trulyshi]

I know that in my bank Bettie if the money doesn’t stay there very long, ie. over a month, then the money doesn’t count towards goals.  I had someone deposit $450k and then took it all out and invested it elsewhere within a week.  Just keep doing the excellent job you are and don’t worry about the other guy.  Slow but sure wins the race.  Debbie

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