[trulyshi]

I feel like you posted this today just for me.  Thank you, Debbie

[trulyshi]

Trying to understand the way I feel today.  I’ve been reading a book Bettie sent me called "Codependents" Guide to the Twelve Steps" and finding that I can relate to the first chapter in its entirety.  I feel strangely calm and very much in control right now which is not normally the way I feel at all.  I had urges earlier today to gamble when something happened here at home.  The b/f was awaiting a package from China that he had ordered online and it arrived this morning.  My initial thought was anger, how dare he do this when I’m sitting here on vacation and the money could have been spent on doing something together, perhaps an evening out so I didn’t have to **** yet again.  Then, I read that chapter in the book and realized – IT’S NOT ABOUT ME.  I cannot control what he does and cannot manipulate the situation to make it about me and what I want.  He didn’t order something just to spite me or to take away from me, he was just doing what he does – taking care of himself and his own *****.  I made a decision not to take it personally and looked up a homemade pasta sauce recipe online then went off to the grocery store to buy the ingredients.  As soon as I had made that decision, all thoughts of gambling and the urges went away and I knew that I was ONLY going to the grocery store and then home.  I love to **** and I’m looking forward to making my homemade sauce, I’m even excited about it.  He and I are both winners today, he is enjoying his new equipment (I even told him it was a beautiful guitar and he looked so proud of his acquisition) and I was pleased that I was able to make it home without a casino detour.  He helped me carry in the groceries and even made me a cup of coffee.  I know that this is very small compared to his past actions and selfishness, but to me it’s really huge because I’m at peace right now and that’s the most important thing of all.  I just want to get through each day without anger or self-pity and do things that make me happy.  I’m really looking forward to taking my daughter shopping tomorrow for a nightgown to wear in the hospital when she has her baby and we’re going for lunch for her birthday.  This is shaping up to be a good vacation after all.  Debbie 

[trulyshi]

So glad you arrived safe and sound and had a good trip.  I just enjoyed a coffee on the porch too and now need to make a fast run to the grocery store.  I’m going to attempt homemade pasta sauce for my son-in-law, he hates onions and can’t find a canned sauce without them.  Hope the weather there is as nice as it is here and say hi to Carole for me.  Deb

[trulyshi]

Had a wonderful evening at my daughter’s, having dinner and swimming.  I have invited the neighbours over for dinner tonight so will spend most of the day cleaning and cooking.  Not the vacation I had envisioned, but it’s all what you make of it – so I will make it fun and relaxing.  Weather is gorgeous today, sun shining and not too hot – all the windows are open.  Time for breakfast and then a quick trip to the grocery store.  Feeling confident today, there is no time for gambling for this girl – she’s got her own agenda.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

Very sorry to hear about your grandson.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

So sorry to hear about your friend Vera.  You are right, life is so very short.  I know that if I were given one week to live I would probably spend it trying to make amends to the people in my life (mainly my kids) that I think I short-changed due to my gambling.  I think I really need to forgive myself first, and get on with my life.  By the way, no hard feelings here either, I’m proud to know you and hope to get to know you better.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

How is your ankle?  Are you coping alright with your mom gone?  It must be difficult to manage stairs right now.  I know that I broke my wrist many many years ago and to this day it still aches at *****, especially in the winter.  Hope things are good with you.  Deb

[trulyshi]

Had a very quiet day today, didn’t get alot accomplished but am very relaxed.  Watched the olympics for awhile and procrasinated doing the laundry for yet another day.  The b/f put together a kitchen pantry that has been sitting in pieces in the corner for over a year so I need to organize it and put dishes and appliances into it, should help to unclutter the kitchen a bit.  I think I can manage to put off doing that until at least tomorrow, lol.  Time to rustle up some dinner, my tummy is rumbling.  Deb

[trulyshi]

^ the last thing I did for someone in need was just simply to listen to her and then to hold her while she cried.  At the time she was a complete stranger who came in to where I worked and needed financial advice because her marriage had fallen apart.  That was a few years back and she remains a friend to this day, I don’t see her often but when I do she always gives me a big hug.
> Just finished watching an episode of Downton Abbey, I really love the English shows.  Now I am getting ready to barbeque some chicken wings and thinking of what side dishes to go with them.  I believe macaroni and cheese may be in order here together with corn on the cob.
v Do you sing in the shower and, if so, what songs do you usually sing?

[trulyshi]

Just tried to give you a call, you’re either busy packing or out for dinner.  Will try again later, I’m going to get some dinner right now and dive into the pile of laundry that I’ve been avoiding for the past few days.  Talk soon, Deb

[trulyshi]

I was so excited to get your package in the mail.  Thank you so much for the two Melody Beattie books.  You are such a sweetheart and you really made my day.  I’m going to read them over the next week while I’m off work.  It’s been so long since anyone has done something nice for me and after reading one of her books from the library I can’t wait to get into these.  Even though I’m jealous that you are getting a proper vacation on your time off and I’m going to be staying home, I’m so happy for you that you’re spending it with a good friend and will be able to get away for a bit.  Western Canada is beautiful country, make sure you take some pictures this time, lol.  Luv ya twin girl – Deb

[trulyshi]

I ended up going to bed at 9pm last night and slept through till 4am when the bf came up to bed and woke me.  I managed to get about another hour sleep and then gave up so here I am at 6:30am on Saturday morning, wide awake.  I think I’ll just relax and do some reading and then start in to my laundry.  I also have a gift certificate for a pedicure that I need to use before October so may go and have that done.  Have a great Saturday everyone.  Deb

[trulyshi]

Vera, I responded to you on your thread (had to hunt for it, but finally found it).  Again, no need to apologize and I’m the one who’s sorry because I didn’t mean to upset you, I was just trying to explain things.  Right now I’m a menopausal emotional woman who is dazed and confused (poor excuses, I know) and I think I didn’t do a good job of telling you when I responded that I’m grateful for yourself and others who support me and make me think.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

Oh Vera, obviously what I wrote was misinterpreted by you.  I initially was upset by what you wrote, but when I went back and reread it I realized that you were not trying to offend or blame me.  Actually, there was alot of insightful things in that post and I’m truly sorry you removed it.  You NEVER need to apologize to me, we are all here for the same reason and I admire you and I thank you for taking the time to respond to my ramblings on my journal and for trying to help.  Please accept my apology for making you feel bad, that was not my intention at all – I was trying to justify why I felt I wasn’t to blame for the disintegration of my relationship.  I’m in a really rotten place in my life right now and feeling very sorry for Debbie.  We’re not here to judge each other and again, please never stop being supportive.  If you ever need a friend – here I am.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

Vera, I have thought long and hard over how to respond to your post.  My first initial reaction was anger and amazement.  How dare a fellow cg kick me when I’m down?  How dare you insinuate that the demise of this relationship may have been partly my fault?  Then I took a step back, had a cup of coffee and came back and reread it.  I am now ready to respond since I don’t believe either of those things were your intention.
When I moved in with the boyfriend it was at his insistence, not mine.  I had my own apartment and was settled.  The thought of coming home to someone each night and being able to share my life with someone won out and I moved in.  Marriage was not something I wanted at that time and is not something I want now.  I held nothing back and he knew about my addiction and my behaviours before I moved in, I never **** or omitted anything.  On the other hand, I did not know aout his addictions or his hoarding tendencies.  Yes, the house was a bit cluttered when I moved in but the explanation I was given was that he was in the process of opening a store and was looking for the right location.  As time went on and more and more equipment came to rest here I realized that there was never any intention of relocating this stuff.  He omitted telling me about other things that he was addicted to, which have come to light over the past year and would have made a difference at the time – I would have chosen to stay in my apartment had I known.  Out of what little respect I have left for him I will not go into it at this time since it is his personal business and not my story to tell. 
The casino and the gambling were my escape.  I actually didn’t gamble for the first 5-6 months I was living with him.  He presented a completely different personna to me at that time – I call it the honeymoon phase.  I was wined and dined and treated with respect and affection.  As I became more comfortable and bought things for the home, added him to my benefits at work and just became more emeshed in his life things started to slowly change.  The bloom was off the rose, so to speak.  In order to avoid dealing with it, in order to avoid facing up to it – I escaped and returned to my old ways.  Going out each night was much better than facing the fact that my partner didn’t want to spend time with me anymore, didn’t want to be with me or notice I was alive.  As the house became more cluttered and I would have to make a path through the mess in order to get from A to B – I escaped and ran and blocked out the obvious. 
The main reason I was happy to find GT was the ability to keep a journal, so that I could look back and reread posts.  You see, I have a tendancy to forget the bad when I get a scrap of attention that makes me become hopeful again that things will work out.  With the journal I can go back and see the emotions I went through and the struggle and that memory makes me stronger with my convictions.  I’m not looking for validation, pity or sympathy here.  The support from others was a wonderful bonus and part of why I believe I am able to now move on in my life and fight the gambling urges.  The advice has been wonderful and helpful and I’m grateful anytime anyone offers any.
Vera, I wish you luck in your own struggles and will support you in any way I can, but I cannot take ownership for the demise of this relationship.  I’m quite sure that the "other side of the story" would be interesting, but probably not truthful.  Take care, Debbie

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