[trulyshi]

Cat, Vera and P, thank you for your posts.  I slept in my apartment for the first time last night and I slept like a log.  There is clutter galore still, but it is MY clutter and I will slowly sift through it and put things in their place.  A good friend helped me unpack a bit and I still have to call her and ask where she put things.  I honestly cannot believe how uplifting everything feels.  I love my apartment, I love my family, I love my friends, I love my independance and above all I love not being held hostage to gambling.  For over 15 years it was all I thought about, all I knew.  Recognizing that I needed help, entering recovery and remaining there has probably been the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  It has also been the most rewarding.  I am 100% sure that I would have left Barry before the end of last year but I am glad that things turned out the way they did because now I am living and this life is wonderful.  Staying in that situation was way too enabling and even though I entered recovery last April I know that as much as I wanted to stop gambling he wanted me to continue, which I will probably never understand but really no longer care to figure out.  I feel very strong right now and as if I could conquer the world.  I am at my ex husbands house right now doing a few last loads of laundry and using his computer (what a terrific man he is).  This afternoon I have my one on one counselling session at Problem Gambling Services and I fully intend to continue those sessions for as long as they let me.  My self exclusion ban is still in place and I will not be removing it, thank goodness for that ban it has saved me from more than one urge.  Urges are so few and far between now and I have learned how to put them from my mind when they do pop up.  Its time to go finish the laundry and make sure I have packed up everything from here and not left anything behind.  Cat, I truly love you but red paint is just not going to happen, it would clash with my purple bathroom.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

ICan, I hope your MIL is okay.  I answered your message on the other site, thanks so much for writing to me.  I am babysitting tonight, taking a break from the unpacking.  Everything is now in the apartment and I will be sleeping there tonight for the first time.  Tomorrow will be spent unpacking more things.  My friend came over yesterday and put everything away in the kitchen and today I couldn’t find a thing, lol.  Now I have more dishes which my daughter gave me and no idea where to put them.  Well, Rome wasn’t built in a day and I have the luxury of time.  It also keeps me busy and my mind occupied which is a very good thing.  I’m going to go play with Sarah now, let us know how your MIL is doing.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

I hope you have the most wonderful, terrific, fantastic birthday ever.  You are such a special lady that I will call later and sing the birthday sone to you and I do not just sing to anyone, lol.  Hope the pain subsides a bit for you and you can enjoy your special day.  Luv ya, Deb

[trulyshi]

So sorry to hear your news Lizbeth, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time.  Big hug from Canada.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

Strength comes from within P.  You can do it, just think of how you would feel afterwards if you gambled.  You would be even more depressed.  Remember how much you hate having to start over ******** the days in recovery.  Remember all the ***** you have lost money and how it made you feel.  YOU CAN DO THIS, I have faith in you.  Deb

[trulyshi]

P its important for you to post as often as you can when you are feeling depressed, there is alot of support and wisdom here to help you through.  I have come to learn that it does not matter who reads your posts, if it helps you then that is all that matters.  I am so proud of you that you have not gambled, you are a very strong person and know what you want.  Glad your son likes his room, its so nice to be appreciated.  Thinking of you and I am in your corner.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

Went shopping today and got a few more things for the apartment.  I get the keys Thursday night, cannot wait.  Sarahs christening is this coming Sunday and I am going to **** a bit for it.  So I am expecting to have a busy weekend since I want to start painting as well.  It has been almost 5 months since I left hoarding house and the landlord and I cannot believe how far I have come.  I think back sometimes and I cannot fathom how I stayed in that house and that relationship for as long as I did.  I see clearly now just how selfish and sick he really was.  My therapist tells me that I stayed because it was better the devil that I knew than the one I did not.  I was afraid to leave because I did not know where I would go, did not have much money and it would certainly have interefered with my gambling.  How sad that the addiction controlled me to that extent that I was willing to stay in a loveless relationship with someone who was being emotionally abusive.  I do realize that my gambling certainly must have affected him, but I also believe that he did not care and preferred me to go to the casino instead of being home (in fact he stated a while back in an email to his sister that he was glad when I was out gambling because he hated it when I was at home).  His main purpose for me was to enable him to be semi-retired, the money I paid him allowed him to work part time and my benefit plan and use of my car were other perks.   I was so ******* up in my addiction that I could not see the forest for the trees and he continued to take advantage.  How sad, but no longer my problem. I really believe that nothing happens to us without a reason.  I have been gamble free for close to 5 months now and never want to return to being that person who did not like herself much and was willing to settle for less than she was actually worth. My apartment is going to be painted with bright, vibrant colours and I will hang pictures of my children and Sarah on my walls.  There will be a Christmas tree and decorations this year (there was no room for them the past 4 years).  I feel free, like I am flying and soaring and no one and nothing is ever going to bring me down again, I will not allow it.  Debbie 

[trulyshi]

Velvet, I echo the previous comments.   You have been there for me when I truly needed you and there were days where I was so down and hating myself but when I logged on here and saw your post on my thread it lifted my spirits and I felt the support and comradery.  Thank you for being you.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

Thinking of you and your family at this time Sherry, so sorry to hear such tragic news.  Take care of yourself and remember we cannot control what others choose to do.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

I get my apartment keys a week from tomorrow, its coming fast now.  My son apologized and I accepted but I still plan on talking to him about it and telling him how I feel.  I went to the show last night with my friend for her birthday and while we were having some dinner in the foodcourt she was being texted by her ex with some nasty stuff.  I told her that I was glad I had not heard from Barry in months and it was a relief not to have to deal with him any longer.  I no sooner got the words out of my mouth than I looked up and he was walking towards me.  I ducked my head down and mumbled something, when I looked up he had already passed by without seeing me.  I am asking myself why I even bothered to duck, why did I not just hold me head up high and ignore him.  I found myself wishing a big hole would suddenly appear and he would fall into it.  Anyways, here I was worried about running into him downtown since I will be moving about two blocks away from him and I run into him in a shopping mall which I rarely ever go to.  Go figure, lol.  I want to congratulate those here who are determined to march into March gamble free, you can do it.  Time to go to work now, Deb

[trulyshi]

When I moved out of Barrys house I put everything in the basement here and have been going through it bit by bit.  I have moved several ***** over the past 8 years and am still amazed at some of the junk I have kept.  I have also found some things that I forgot I had and was happy that I kept them.  Some of those things can invoke wonderful memories as well, of places and people.  Keep moving forward Cat, try not to take any backward steps.  I am over 4 months today and ********.  You can do it.  Deb

[trulyshi]

Wish I had a glass of wine in my hand right now, I would toast you – Heres to P, just look at how great she is doing.  I have days where I am really depressed too.  I was just reading Betties post about her sister and I had a wonderful memory from my childhood of my sister, it made me smile.  Try to think of something that makes or made you happy, P and hold onto that memory for a bit, it may help to chase the blues away.  Luv ya, Deb

[trulyshi]

My sister is 14 years older than me and I can remember (I must have been 3 or 4) sitting on her lap on the front porch wrapped in a blanket while she sang A Thousand Stars in the Sky to me.  We have not spoken in over 7 years and really did not speak much before that either.  Glad you mentioned about your sister, that is actually one of very few good memories I have of my childhood.  You are a sweetie for offering to go to grief counselling with your friend.  I will give you a call later to see how you are feeling, take it easy today.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

Thanks to everyone for your concern and care.  The procedure was fine I do not remember any of it.  I have had severe stomach pain since I had it done but it has eased up since last night.  Apparently they removed two polyps and have sent them for biopsy, I will know in a few weeks if everything is alright.  My worry right now is my 24 year old son who has anger issues.  He lost his temper a few nights ago when I was watching tv and he wanted to change the channel and I told him I was watching something.  He screamed obsenities at me and it is not the first time.  When he came to apologize a few minutes later I just could not accept and told him that no one was ever going to speak to me that way again, not even him.  We have not spoken since.  I told his father who agreed to speak with him but I am worried that nothing will change.  He has had anger management classes but they do not seem to have had an impact.  My mind is racing and I am wondering if his behaviour has something to do with the fact that I left the home and the marriage when he was 15-16 years old, perhaps he felt I deserted him.  I want to suggest counselling to him but I do not believe he will listen.  He was not a planned baby, but I love him and always have.  I am so proud that he has finally found work that he likes and is committing to that and school.  Guess I am feeling some guilt here, but cannot excuse his behaviour and I am tired of accepting it.  Debbie

[trulyshi]

And I thank God for allowing me to find this site and in so doing, find you. 

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