[Trucker334]

I‘m in Florida and had to drive down I-75. There were signs saying, “I’d rather be playing black jack“ and I had to admit that was true of me. I did divert my attention to other matters and the rush went away pretty quickly. I’m only miles from one of my favorite casinos, but I don’t have any intentions of going. I’m kind of anxious about my next paycheck, but I’m making plans to be wise with my money. It’s been a good day overall I’ve been very positive. Thank you for taking the time to check on me. I really feel like making that first post here was one of the best things I could do. Hope you’re doing well. 

[Trucker334]

Thank you for the encouragement and reminder I need it! I’m reminding myself every day to pay bills and give my family money this week. A part time job isn’t possible as I’m on the road 24/7 and work an average of 70 hours a week. I’m not too stressed about the garnishment. If I’d just apply the extra money I’d normally gamble to that bill I can have it paid of pretty quickly. I’ve just got to stick to my guns and avoid the casinos. It’s difficult being out here alone with no accountability, but this site is helping. Thanks again for taking the time to follow up. It means a lot. Stay strong, you’re helping me so I know you can continue to help yourself!

[Trucker334]

You’re right about everything. I’ve got to remain focused on today. It took me over a decade to get into this mess, so anything less than a decade to get out would just be gravy I guess. I’m sure I’d gamble away the big win. I was once given $5000 cash and it would have gotten me out of the mess I was in at the time, but I just knew I could turn it into more. I knew I could double or triple it and pay back the loan and take care of my family. It was gone in one two day trip to a small poker room with a few table games. The bigger the loss the stronger the pull to take your next paycheck and win it all back. Always thinking, my luck is going to change and this time I’ll walk away. Then, now I’m really in trouble. I have no choice but to gamble this next paycheck. So sickening. So depressing that I’ve believed this lie for so long and hurt so many people. I wish I was normal. I‘m so jealous of normal people who pay their bills and enjoy hobbies and family time. I’ve ruined all that, but all I can do is take one day at a time. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Stay strong! Doing the right thing when you’re an addict is much more difficult than the world gives us credit for. I just hope I can do the right thing today. 

[Trucker334]

Thank you for the encouragement and words of wisdom. I completely agree that I can’t continue to hope for the big win and I’ve got to stop all together. It’s difficult, my mind is playing tricks on me.  I’m thinking things like, now that you’ve posted your story and your trying to quit you would be able to gamble again and walk out with your winnings. I know it’s a lie. I can’t ***** how many times I’ve told myself that lie and believed it. I’m a little down today. I’m struggling with the hurt I’m going to cause others by coming clean. I realize that continuing to gamble is what will really hurt my loved ones, so I’m focusing on not doing that ever again. The temptation is real and I don’t get paid until Friday, although I can take a $100 loan tomorrow. I don’t know what my life’s suppose to look like without gambling. Thanks again, I really appreciate every comment. I feel like writing these things down is already helpful me to focus. And truthfully I realize just how unreasonable my addiction is as I confess my thoughts and feelings. I’m glad you’re fighting! Keep it up! My wife only caught me one time and it hurt her and I promised I’d never do it again. My sister is the only other close family I could confide in. I wrote her a text yesterday and then deleted it. She’s such a good person that I’m always ashamed of how week I am. I’m hoping to be clean for at least a couple of months before I share with anyone I know. Hopefully if this doesn’t workout I’ll do the right thing and talk to them. 

[Trucker334]

thanks for the response. I agree with what you’re saying. Telling truth on here that I’ve never told anyone has opened my eyes so much. Last night I was desperate and doubtful, but when I woke up I was broken over letting those truths out and I‘m so glad because my lack of brokenness has worried me for at least a year. I’ve got a woman looking for me a local job right now so I can get home. Here was a casino/game room in the truck stop where I just took a shower and I had $16 left I could pull off my fuel card and I didn’t do it. Baby steps! I’m not the person I’ve been, I know my actions are wrong and I hate them. But, I love to sin I don’t want to make it sound like the devil is makin me to do it, it’s all my fault. I feel like  there is hope. Hope that exists through a long dark path and one Im praying God will give me the strength to endure. God is faithful. He is good. He loves me and he died for me providing that be once and for all. He knew all my faults when He saved me twenty years ago. I’m thankful for this site. Stay strong all of you. Thanks so much. 

[Trucker334]

Thank you for the response. It’s not fun. I am completely and that ally out of control. When I borrow money or take my paycheck into a casino I really believe, despite knowing better, that I am good my to climb out of this whole I’m in. I know for sure that I know God and He knows me. That‘s why I hate myself the most. It’s obviously some evil in me that makes me continue to do these things. God can do anything, but I can’t seem to get anything right. I was a passionate pastor and I would constantly repent only to fall again. I told my congregations for ten years that I was a sinner and that I made mistakes all the time. I prayed and asked God to take my life if I was going to continue to do things that were not pleasing to him. I begged God to take away my free will and keep me from doing these things. When I was put on medication and it took away my desire to gamble I went back to the counselor I was visiting and asked why the medicine was able to do something that God would not do no matter how many times I asked. For those who don’t believe in God the answer would be simple; there is no God. But, God is as real to me as anyone. He became a part of my life twenty years ago. I know there’s a spiritual answer. Maybe the truth is I don‘t want to stop. But how can that be when I hate myself so much.  Life can seem so dull and routine. Maybe I’m afraid of a spiritual answer because then people will start to look to me again and I’ve never felt worthy of people looking to me. The standard is so high and I can’t keep it. I confess that I’m a sinner. I have no hood apart from God’s Grace and mercy. I deserve His wrath. My wife has emotional problems and I can’t see confessing to her while we’re in such a terrible financial situation that‘s all my fault. I don’t want to see her go through that kind of pain. Once in ten years she did catch me. But she thought I was cheating on her, so I confessed that I had gone gambling and lost my paycheck because I was upset about our bills and trying to get ahead. She just doesn’t know that our bills are all my fault. All because of my gambling. When given the choice between hurting her that way or just trying to win it all back I just want that one big win that will make everything okay. But, I know I have to stop thinking this way. After posting this last night I considered finding a job at home no matter how little it paid so I can be with my family. My wife and kids miss me so much and all I’m doing is giving away our money out here. Your response means a lot it’s given me another reason to write and to think. I do believe God can help me. All things in His time and I‘ve got to choose whether I will love Him and hate gambling or hate Him and love gambling. Thank you.   

[Trucker334]

I hope one day I can say something similar.

[Trucker334]

I’m currently screwing my life up and doing things that make me by far the worst person I know. I can’t help you from the point of view of someone who has or even is recovering, but I can offer advice as an active addict who has made every mistake in the book and currently hates himself with a passion. First, don’t take the loan from your friend. Sell something, anything. Work more hours. But right here and now don’t ever, ever take another loan. It’s a lie that we tell ourselves that a loan will help. In the end it adds to our shame and frustration. If you do take the loan, and forgive me but I bet you do, have the friend pay the bookie directly. No matter what you tell yourself if that money hits your hands how are you going to resist the urge to make that one last bet? If you just make one more bet then you can pay back the friend, the bookie and who knows you may even come out so good you can make another bet and climb out of the whole you’re in. Shit, it’s all lies. You’d be better off letting the bookie break your legs than taking out another loan. God I’ve got to stop taking out loans. This life sucks. Sorry for ranting and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I know your pain.

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