[trinitysky]

I’m trying to work on the “in control” issue. I never thought about what I deserve. I guess I figured I got myself here, I did this and whatever happens because of it is what I deserve.
I’m a work in progress…

[trinitysky]

I’m having an ok day today.. I’ve always had an overactive mind and today it’s on overdrive. One day at a time is becoming my new motto but it’s a tough one to live by.

[trinitysky]

I’m trying, truly. My biggest struggle is in not having control over my life. I truly hate that feeling more than any other.

[trinitysky]

It’s amazing how (as mentioned by P) hitting your rock bottom can make you question every bit of your existence. I know in this moment that I am stronger than I have ever been and I know that no matter how this whole situation turns out, I’ll be ok. I truly feel like this is where I was meant to be at this point in my life. This whole experience was meant to open my eyes, I used to be so judgmental towards everyone when it came to addictions. I always thought that if you truly wanted to quit something then you should just be able to quit. Just like that. I know now that it doesn’t really work that way.
I have always felt sort of disconnected from the world. Like maybe I don’t belong here. I feel right now, in this moment that I do have a purpose, I may not know what that is and I may still struggle with the feeling of not belonging but I know at the end of this I’ll find that purpose.
I wish you all luck and hope through my journey I can some how help someone from making the mistakes I have.
We are all stronger than this, we can all beat this..

[trinitysky]

Monique,
you are correct in saying it’s difficult. At times I struggle with even thinking about the future. I sometimes feel like I may not have one. A real one that is. This whole ordeal has threatened the way of life I’ve become accustomed to. It is threatening every relationship that I hold dear, but my faith has only gotten stronger. In all of this mess I have truly found faith and strength in a higher power.
Thank you for the encouragement and well wishes. I’ll keep you updated.

[trinitysky]

After that night out at the casino my boyfriend and I started going quite a bit. He liked to gamble too, just not at the level I was starting to like it.
Over time I started going more and more. Any time my boyfriend was at one of his softball games, or golf league, working, or hunting I went. I tried to go by myself as much as I could to keep him from find out how much money I was spending. I then, of course, lied about what I had done while he was gone.
The most shameful part of this whole story is that soon after I started taking money from my employers to cover my addiction. For the life of me I cant even begin to understand what made me come up with the idea. I consider myself to be a pretty honest person. I have never taken from anyone before and would never have considered in any other situation. I just couldn’t control the urge to go gamble. I tried. I truly tried. I would wake up every morning and tell myself “today is the day, the day I stop gambling and most importantly stop taking what isn’t mine”. Then as the day would progress I would get weaker. I would tell myself, this is the last time. I will win enough to pay back what I took and I wont be a coward about it. I’ll win the money back and go to my employer and tell them what I’ve done. Every time I took the money I said this to myself. I kept reassuring myself that I would make this right. But the truth is no one ever wins. Not really, not in my kind of situation.
Now I was dealing with the stress of my personal life and the gambling stress. So instead of taking the pressure off like I had thought that night at the casino, it added to it. It, of course, was too late at this point. After about 7 months of taking money, gambling it away, and lying I just couldn’t take it any more. I quit my job. I thought if I pulled myself away from the source of cash that I could get a better grip on things. And I did, for a bit. I started working for a friend who, go figure, liked to gamble. We stopped a few times after work at the casino.
Then, I got news that my last employer was having me investigated. I was horrified. I knew there was a possibility that this would happen, I actually knew it was inevitable but some how it still surprised me. To make this part, the worst part of my story, a bit shorter I’ll sum it up. I got a call from a detective and met with him. Told him the truth, a month later I was in jail. I got out the next day (the worst night of my life), and I am still caught up in a legal battle.
The horrible fact in all of this is that I’ve hurt a lot of people. This wasn’t something that I did that just hurt me. That’s the most unbearable fact of all. I am facing losing everything I care about and cherish, and perhaps I deserve to.
The one good thing out of all of this is I haven’t gambled in months. I have no desire what so ever to step foot in a casino. I know they say you never cure an addiction and it doesn’t just go away but anger and fear of losing it all is a pretty good motivator.

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