[trinitysky]

Carole,
I know you are probably right.. I know I need to stay focus and clear headed it’s just so hard right now. I’ve lost everything to this. A disease, a mistake has managed to destroy everything. He (my boyfriend) is an amazing guy. The best I’ve ever known and I know he loves me and I know deep down he wants this to work. I just think he is so scared about the future and his parents have pumped him so full of negativity that I don’t stand a chance. I have to believer there is hope. I have to believe that he just needs this time to think and sort his thoughts and he’ll come back to me. He’s my world…

[trinitysky]

The worst has happened.. My boyfriend came home last night after talking with his parents and he asked me to move out. He’s afraid of what will happen to his parents business if he stays with me. He’s afraid of what everyone will say and that they’ll all be looking down on us all the time. He’s worried that we’ll be struggling to get by because of all the money I have to pay back. God, I can’t lose him. He’s all I have left and the only thing in this life that truly means anything to me. I know I can fix this, I know I can make this right and pay everything back without hurting his finances. I just am afraid he will give up before I can try. I see it in his face, he’s moving on, pushing me away. What do I do? Tell me someone has gone through this and some how managed to hold onto the one they love. God help me!

[trinitysky]

Today has been a better day. My birth certificate will be delivered tomorrow. A lot sooner than I thought which means I can hopefully start work this week. I got a lot accomplished today, small things but they needed to get done. Staying busy definitely helps keep my mind off all my troubles.
This month seems to just be flying by. I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas! My next court date will be here before I know it. I’m truly not so worried about it. I feel like I’ve done as much as I can at this point. I’ve been going to my G.A. meetings, I found a job and possibly a second, and I log in here as much as I can for additional support. I haven’t been gambling at all, completely cut that out of my life.
I’m continuing to struggle with the things I can’t control, like my boyfriends parents and the way that whole situation might turn out. In fact I think at this very moment he is discussing it with them so I guess it’s really out of my hands now.
I’ll update ya’ll later.

[trinitysky]

This disease is destroying everything that means anything to me. The worst thing I had imagined is about to happen. As I mentioned my boyfriends family is in town and today he overheard them asking a friend of ours if they had heard anything about me. My boyfriend feels like they know something and he’s going to talk with them. He’s decided that it’s best if he does it alone. I honestly don’t think he’s strong enough to stand by me through this… and that just about kills me.
When all of this first started and I had to come clean with him he was so supportive. He said that everything would be ok, that this is a disease and people make mistakes. He said he would leave me over this and we’d make it through it together but the more this drags on the more angry and negative he becomes. I love him so much and I believe he loves me but sometimes love just isn’t enough. It just might kill me if I truly lose everything. He’s about the only thing keeping me sane these days.
I just feel as though the whole world is crumbling down around me and there’s no way out.
Only positive note in all of this is that I still haven’t gambled…

[trinitysky]

Thanks everyone, it’s definitely a tough fight. I went to my second g.a. meeting last night. Attendance was a little lacking but there was a member there that I hadn’t met yet. . . He was a defense attorney in the area. This disease really does affect people from all walks of life.
My boyfriends parents are back in town for the holidays. They of course have no idea what has been going on. I may have already explained this but they own a restaurant right next door to the place that I used to work. This is how my boyfriend and I met. His parents rent the building from my ex employer. I’m so terrified right now that my old boss will tell his parents, not for my sake but for his. He’s been so stressed since they’ve been home. I know he’s afraid of what will happen if they find out. They had promised him the restaurant in another couple of years and with this whole situation adding tensions he’s afraid that wont happen. I’ve already cost him so much I just pray, at least for now, that they don’t find out.
I have to wonder when it is that the hits are going to stop coming. This is the first time that the holidays really don’t feel like holidays to me. We have been struggling so much because of me not working that there’s no way we can afford gifts. Our tree is up but it’s so depressing without gifts under it. My mother and my grandmother are currently both in the hospital and I wonder if either of them will even be around this Christmas.

[trinitysky]

I’m a little more relaxed today about the situation although it could be because I have a whole new set of issues. I think maybe after a few days at the new job I’ll be a little more comfortable.
The job I took was in housekeeping at a long term rehabilitation facility. I love the work and you get to be around older folks which are my favorite kind! Because it is in healthcare they are very strict when it comes to backgrounds and such. I’m just thankful to have made it this far. I thought for sure when they ran my background I would have been booted.
I also got offered another job as a part time manager at a retail chain. If I can pass the background check for that job I’ll be ecstatic! Two jobs means I can really start and make things right.
I’ll keep praying and sticking to one day at a time..

[trinitysky]

Had my first day at the new job today, I have to say it was one of the most nerve wracking and stressful days yet. I really don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep this up. My hat goes off to any of you that have faced the fall out of your addiction and stuck it out long enough to turn your life around. The stress, nerves, and ups and downs of it all are so exhausting and overwhelming. When does it end. When do I get a little relief.
I’m so worried about being “outed” about my arrest at work that I cant just focus on the job. I truly hate this

[trinitysky]

Well I wen’t from the most positive I’ve been in a long time to being at a new low. I wen’t to orientation today for the new job. The whole time I spent praying that nothing came up on my background check. Finally after 8 hours there I figured I was in the clear. So orientation ends and we are starting to leave when my department heads says to us “I still have to check references, but I don’t expect any problems there”. Now this was something I didn’t think would be a problem because I was hired. I had figured they’d done all that they needed to or they wouldn’t have wasted the time and money of training me. I’m worried about this obviously because of what my ex employer could and probably will say about me.
I’m so frustrated right now. I’ve been having those thoughts again, the thoughts of where do I really go from here. Do I really have a chance at a normal life. How will I ever pay all the money back if I can’t find a job. And as horrible as it is to admit I’ve once again entertained the thoughts of just ending it. I of course never would, at least I don’t think, but I’ve backed myself into a corner where it seems there is no escape. The ceiling and floor are crushing me.
It wouldn’t be so bad if this were my first rejection but I’ve been filling out apps for months.
After I got home today my phone rang and I know the number was the new job. I was so scared of what my ex employer had told them that fear kept me from answering the phone. They didn’t leave a message so now I have to wait two days and stress about all of this.
I know we can’t control everything and I shouldn’t get myself so worked up but every time it seems I get a little bit of a break I end up getting shot down even harder.
UGH!!!!!

[trinitysky]

I hear that there is no cure for this addiction and I hear it a lot. I do believe that it is always lurking but I also know there is a way to beat it….. and I believe I’ve found the way that works for me.
The key is to find something more powerful than the addiction. Preferably we find it before hitting bottom and doing something horrible like I did. We need to find that thing that truly makes life worth it. Personally that thing for me is the future. All of the things I want to do in life, all the dreams I have that I have come so close to losing. I think we should always chase our dreams and develop new ones. This is what motivates me to stay away from gambling. The bonus for me is that slot machines are my weakness and in order to play them you actually have to step foot in a casino. I drive by them often seeing as how there is one 15 minutes from my house and another 5 within an hour or less away, I’m never tempted to pull in because I know what I have to lose. I remind myself of my goals and I picture my life without ever achieving any of them. This is stronger than the addiction. I AM STRONGER THAN THE addiction. I’ve never been an online gambler, into the lottery, or dealt with bookies. These are not weaknesses of mine so I don’t worry about them. I think I was more so addicted to the atmosphere than the actual gambling. Maybe I’m fortunate in that aspect.
Fortunate.. a funny word considering the circumstances.
I will forever remember the low point I found myself at, this journal and the meetings are sure to help with that and any time I might be foolish enough to think I can manage my addiction and gamble a bit I will remember how horrible I felt. I will remember the look of disappointment on the faces of those I love, I will remember actually considering taking my own life and how scared that made me, but most of all I will remember the complete and udder loss of all control over my own life.

[trinitysky]

I woke up this morning feeling so worried and apprehensive about everything and in this moment I’ve never been more optimistic.
Thank you to Charles for our discussion in group today. Everyone on this site has been so amazing. The day I become the successful business owner I’ve always dreamed of I plan on donating every penny I can. You are all wonderful beings.
What, might you ask, turned my day around. Well I was sitting here reading the forum post by Charles labeled Just For Today, worrying about my orientation tomorrow and my background check. Worrying that I would again be jobless just as I thought I had found a job. My phone rings… its a company I worked for in the past and they have an assistant manager job opening. I know I can nail this interview. Retail is what I do best! The great thing is this company has amazing benefits and plenty of room to grow.
I’ve learned that no matter what your religous beliefs are you should never give up faith. When you least expect it miracles do happen.
If you need proof just ask me. I have had so many little “gifts” given to me these past few months. The biggest being that I am FREE at home for all the holidays when I could be sitting in jail wishing I was.

Together, we are a force to be reckoned with!

[trinitysky]

Well I should find out between today and tomorrow if I still have the job. I woke up with nots in my stomach today. I truly hate that feeling. I went through months of waking up like that. I can’t wait for the day when I can actually wake up and not have to worry about these things.
On a positive note I still haven’t gambled at all. It’s been almost three months since my stop date. It’s so hard to understand the grip of gambling once you get away from it for so long. I can’t make any sense of the past year. I really don’t know the person I was. I’m getting back to who I was before all of this happened. It’s definitely tough, with everything that has been going on, to truly get yourself back and I’m praying that one day I will. I’m not really sure how you go through all that we go through and still manage to come out the other side whole and unashamed.
Hopefully one day I’ll have the answer…

[trinitysky]

thank you so much Monique… I’m trying to keep my head up, good days and bad. I’m waiting for the day that the good days out weigh the bad. I guess we all are

[trinitysky]

Went to g.a. last night and I have to say I am sooooo relieved. I got myself all worked up about going for no reason. I actually think it helped. I met someone there who has gone through a similar situation and just hearing his story made me feel like maybe I’m not the monster I keep making myself out to be. Things can definitely get better from here.
I also went and did the whole fingerprinting, as much as I’m afraid of facing more humiliation I know that the worst thing they can say is no. Fingers crossed that they don’t but if they do I’ll just keep pushing forward.

[trinitysky]

Going to my first g.a. meeting tonight. A little apprehensive about it all but I know I need to go, and I will.
I go tomorrow to get fingerprinted for my background check… really nervous about that. I’m afraid my arrest will show up and the humiliation that will follow being told I can’t have the job. Some how I have got to find the strength to push forward and to stop letting these negative thoughts creep in.
I am more determined than ever to come out of all of this stronger, smarter and more successful but it’s proving to be an incredible challenge. I have desperately been searching for someone who has been in the same situation… to no avail of course.

[trinitysky]

I’ve been searching for a job… well since I quit my last one and it’s been a tough time. I’m learning now just how difficult it’s going to be once this mess goes on my record. The chain of events that this addiction has put into motion makes me ill. The fall out of it all is actually worse than going through the addiction. I’m an extremely hard worker, reliable, dependable, I always give 110%, and I’m very intelligent but all anyone is going to see any more is that I took from someone who trusted me.
Where does one truly go from here? What kind of a future can someone really hope for after all of this?
I went to fill out an app today at a long term care facility and got interviewed on the spot, which I nailed! They offered me the job right then, so of course I was excited…. then I had to fill out the paperwork, they do a fingerprint background check. Normally these would have been the kind of papers I signed without even reading them because I have NEVER been in trouble before. Today, however, I read every word. Needless to say, when they do the background check and my arrest shows up they wont be so excited about hiring me.
I’m so frustrated right now, another sleepless night is definitely in store.
I have so much left in me to offer and I refuse to except that this is going to be the story of my life. I have to find a job and I would really like two, the quicker I can pay back what wasn’t mine the better I think I’ll feel and the quicker I’ll be able to move on but this task is proving impossible.
If something doesn’t give soon I think I’ll go insane!

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