[timetogo]

Hi Velvet,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and share your perspective. You are right, it is hard to talk to people about what living with a CG is like. I think writing it down actually helps, as it’s only when you see it before your own eyes, you realise just what you’ve been through.

I think I have reached the end of my tether and I just don’t know that I can continue in this marriage. I do know that CG can be controlled and people can change, I just don’t know if my husband will ever truly be free.
He has had a lot of opportunities to change and relapsed so many times. I also have this nigggling doubt because I don’t think he has ever truly admitted to himself what the real impact of his gambling is.
When, and I saw when, because this is a recurrent theme, I find out, he is very sorry, wants to do right and make amends.
As time goes by, he starts to distance himself from the gambling and the behaviours and makes it out to be quite trivial. He says things like, “I’ve never stolen” , “I’ve never gambled the mortgage money”, “the kids have never gone hungry”…
While literally none of this is wrong, I have been the one making sure there is enough to pay the mortgage, I’ve made sure the kids are looked after, I’ve had to give him money month in , month out.
I make more than him, so I would expect to pay more etc but we should be in a position where neither of us have any debt and have savings, we actually don’t because of his gambling. We’ve been in this vicious cycle, everytime I feel like we’re getting somewhere, he falls off again.

I also find that he has tried to isolate me from people I love and care about and know care and love me. It’s like he wants to weaken me as much as possible and when he has me where he wants me, he can just lash out, call me names, humiliate me and make me feel really bad about myself.

I don’t know how to love someone like this anymore and like you say, hard to know the real person from the CG. I used to try and separate the two, but I can’t do that anymore. It’s hard to see any goodness in him towards me. It’s like I am the enemy and he just has to keep me weak so he can get away with what he wants.

I find myself looking forward to the times he is not around. I am so much happier and calmer, which makes me more patient and better with the kids.
I know if we are to separate, I’ll never truly be free of him. He is still my children’s father but he won’t have control over me and can’t hurt me anymore.

I am so much better than this hell I’m living and I do deserve happiness. I fear that as long I am with him, I’m totally at the mercy of his moods, his impulsiveness, irrationality and selfishness.

I know if this is the path I chose, that it’s not going to be easy. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to feel normal and look forward to the future again, right now I don’t 🙁

Thanks again for reading, helps getting this off my chest.

[Author]

Posts