[theone12221]

Hey SB,

I think we’ve all been down the self-destructive road of “I’m screwed anyway” let’s just gamble it all out.

I know that this is basically a trip which is virtually unstoppable and inevitably will lead to rock bottom. The only thing I can recommend, like above mentioned, is to just either have no money or give full control of your finances to your partner. Self-exclusion will also help. Sorry to hear you’re going through this but try to hang in there…there will be light at the end of the tunnel despite how dark it may seem right now.

[theone12221]

Incredible insight kin. I’ve never really differentiated between a slip and a relapse before but you are spot on. Over a year ago I’d have full blown relapses. One loss snowballing into excuses/reasons to just keep escalating and losing more frequently and larger and larger amounts. Not only extremely damaging but these relapses are downright soul crushing and destroy our trust in ourselves.

More recently I’ve experienced slips. Isolated incidents where I’ve lost smaller amounts and did not continue chasing the day after. Also I managed to learn from these events and take positives from them (plus further self-excludions). I think sometimes we can get caught up with our mistakes but it’s important to look at the overall picture, our overall progress in the grand scheme of recovery. Perspective is pivotal to recovery.

[theone12221]

Hey Steven,

I do agree with vera, once a CG always a CG.

The thing with addiction is that it’s not necessarily how often we play…it’s what happens to our thought patterns when we start to play.

We just can’t stop. We can’t just play small or for fun and leave. If we’re up we want more. If we’re down we wanna get it back ASAP. In other words, we just wanna keep playing. Sure we’ll stop the odd session with a significant win, feel great about ourselves. But you know what, that makes us view gambling in a even better light and we are all but guaranteed to return shortly again. If we COULD just walk away with a small win/loss and not think about gambling for a while, we wouldn’t be on these forums. I’m no psychologist but the way our brains are wired just makes gambling extremely destructive to us. It’s even strange for me to think that over 95% of the population can gamble recreationally without things escalating so why can’t I, an otherwise very rational and generally intelligent person, be the same? It is a tough pill to swallow. But you know what, I’m willing to let go of my pride and ego and just accept that I can never be a purely recreational or social gambler (despite the fact that when I do go with friends/family I’m fine, it’s still too dangerous as it will bring back inevitable urges to go alone later).

Is it possible to turn our mindset around? Definitely and I’m sure some people have. But after over 5 years of gambling and countless sessions, the amount of overall gambling sessions (alone) where I’ve kept total control is probably less than 10. The amount of sessions where I was confident I’d keep control but ended up losing control is well over 100. Yes I do feel my mindset changing over time but for people like us with that inner CG (which stays with us for life), a little bit of fun is simply not a risk worth taking – as the consequences can destroy everything we have.

[theone12221]

Hi guys,

It is with both sadness and optimism that I report that I have unfortunately had a relapse 3 days ago, losing two $50 sports bets on an account I called up to re-open but had not self-excluded from. As I said previously, despite feeling like I’ve let myself and this forum down (especially with that thread title!) I will always look at the positives and see how I can improve myself moving forward:

1) the amount was very small compared to prior relapses. I told myself that I’d set a deposit limit of $100, if I won my first bet I’d stop. If i lost both bets I’d stop. I did lose the 2 bets (actually a good thing overall) and I didnt deposit more and promptly self-excluded. My relapses have gone from up to 5 figures (a year ago) to 4 figures (few months ago) to 3 figures ($250 and $100 the two most recent);

2) never leave any door open for gambling – i had mentioned before that proactive action when ANY trigger/urge kicks in is paramount for prevention. This was the only site I had closed the account on but not self-excluded. Re-opening it and having a flirt was always in my mind even though my addiction said “don’t worry a closed account is basically a self-excluded one”. Well as with previous situations like this eventually I caved in but luckily the amount was not too damaging. If I ever get notification of a new avenue to gamble – I will self-exclude in advance immediately;

3) I now officially have full self-exclusion going on…not a single venue or website I can name that I can gamble at (and I would never use a small unknown site because I do not trust the operators).

So this is day 3 again and just another lesson learnt which will hopefully strengthen me on this long path to recovery.

[theone12221]

Hi Steven,

Relapses are pretty much inevitable during the process of recovery. I personally had a relapse 3 days ago however it was only for $100 and I self-excluded from the website after (it was the last remaining site where I had just closed my account, but not self-excluded).

All you can do it learn from each relapse. Ensure that those specific triggers will not get you next time. Also ensure that you are self-excluded from that particular venue/website next time. Lastly the extent of your relapses will also decrease over time as you learn to “cut your losses” and stop yourself during the madness. My relapses a year ago would often be in the 5-10k territory. A few months ago they would be in the 1-2k territory. My last 2 relapses were $250 (just over a month ago) and $100 this week. I set deposit limits to these amounts and promptly self-excluded after losing these amounts. Of course I’m still very unhappy with relapsing at all but I know I’m making progress in controlling them…so that the road to a gambling-free life is at least not too expensive as I learn to be fully clean.

As to your point about money, yes it’s about playing and the excitement/risk and escape/self-destruction that comes with it. Sure, in the back of our minds it’s about taking revenge and winning it all back (or more) but that’s just the addiction talking us into it; really we just keep playing and playing til it’s all gone.

Definitely self-exclude yourself from that venue/online casino or bookie you used and if there’s any other ones that you have access to that you get temptations of using, proactively self-exclude from those as well. Good luck.

[theone12221]

I won’t sugar coat it for you because it’s going to be tough. In fact, your battle against this addiction will be the single most difficult battle you’ll ever face. It is a battle you can win. But it’s a long term one. There is no quick fix. You need to be patient. We gamblers are very impatient and we want an immediate resolution to all our problems. That’s why we gamble…we want that immediate fix to our finances, to recoup all our losses and take away all our negative emotions. Here’s what you must realise – you will never win your losses back through gambling, if you gamble more you’ll just lose more. You can get your losses back by working hard and saving like you’ve done in the past. I know it’s cliche but time will help reduce your feelings of anguish, regret and self-torment. The longer you can go without gambling, the healthier your state of mind will become and the higher chance you have of regaining the trust of those closest to you. Use the memories of your losses as a motivator to never go back to that place again. As a lesson you’ll never forget.

Just remember this. You mentioned that you are not at a point of financial emergency. You still have your wife and kid at the moment (and sounds like a place to live). You are nowhere near rock bottom. Just think about that for a moment the next time you feel an urge to gamble. How much more can you afford to lose?

[theone12221]

Hey Adam,

I like the plan you’ve set yourself. Mapping out financial plans/savings targets also helped me tremendously at the start of my own recovery. The only thing I will caution you about is don’t obsess too much with everything you do and how it relates to your savings/paying off your debts. What I mean is, still try to lead a normal life. I made the mistake of over-analysing everything and counting my savings/expenses TOO MUCH, in that it took over my life (so in essence, you’re still letting the past gambling dictate how you live your current life!). Over-obsessing will also make you resent the restrictions you’ve put on yourself and act as a constant reminder of why you’re being “punished” for your past gambling. Once I stopped obsessively saving and avoiding expenses and just lived normally again, I become a lot more happier, thought about my past gambling a lot less and in general had less urges to gamble. Of course, keep up the good savings habits and try to blast through that debt asap!

So what I mean is, goals are great and will keep you motivated…but free your mind and live as your normally would, just without the gambling part 🙂

[theone12221]

Welcome to the forums.

I’ll admit, it was difficult reading through your initial post as I can see a lot of myself in you. However unlike yourself I do not have a wife or kids currently and cannot imagine the anguish you are going through (the worst part about gambling is not the financial loss, but rather the loss of personal relationships and ultimately your own sanity/sense of self).

I was also brought up around gambling, my dad is a professional poker player (funnily, he makes an income off this and he never “tilts” or play -EV games; I have no idea why I am the complete opposite of him) and taught me how to play at a young age. After winning $2,000 after a few weeks of poker at the age of 18-19 I was hooked. I soon realised that I am not cut out to do this for a living and lost around 5-6k during my university days (not too bad over the few years, but still crippling for a student doing part time casual work).

It wasn’t until I bought my own place and was living on my own the first time when I was 25/26 that my gambling started escalating out of control. What I’ve learnt from over a year in recovery is that we simply CANNOT play at all, whether it’s at the casino or online. 1 bet, as you are well aware by now, can lead to absolute financial ruin. That one small loss you had, looking back ($300) is so tiny and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things yet as a result of it, you have spiralled into this bottomless money pit and vicious cycle that is problem gambling.

I won’t go into too much detail, but I strongly recommend you take the following actions to give yourself the best possible chance at recovery and save your marriage and LIFE:

1) Self-exclude! You must self-exclude yourself from ALL casinos/bookies/online gambling websites you have used in the past or might possibly use in the future. I know where your mind is at right now, we’ve all been there. We tell ourselves we won’t gamble while we have no money but we’re just kidding ourselves – as soon as the paycheck hits its going to go straight into the casinos pockets (the addiction makes us remember those big wins which we’ve all had – makes us believe irrationally that we can win it all back). You NEED a block in place. At this point in time you will not have the mental fortitude to resist the urge itself. Self-exclude, close all accounts. If necessary – hand over your finances to your wife for control/monitoring; cut up all cards and only carry limited cash when you go on. Letting go of your ego and accepting that you cannot defeat gambling/cannot control yourself is a very important, yet incredibly mentally difficult step to reach, in order to become gambling free.

2) Seek emotional support: I know things are rough between yourself and the missus but after all she is your wife and mother of your child. No matter what happens moving forward it is in all party’s interests that you stop yourself from spiralling from one rock bottom to another by continuing gambling. Talk to her about it, being the spouse of a GA is sometimes just as difficult as being the actual GA. The amount of mental turmoil and anguish we put on those around us cannot be measured (especially as they cannot understand why we do it). Educate her as to why you do it. Confide in a close friend or your parents. If these do not apply or cannot be done, definitely recommend going to GA to some emotional support and great advice. You’ll find people from all backgrounds there (yes, some very successful in their careers), some just starting out on their recovery, others who have been clean for 10 years or more – perspective is important and you’ll need as much advice and support as you can get at this stage.

Follow these steps and keep your chin up. You are still young, you can recover from this. If you don’t you’ll look back in 10 years time and see a life wasted. Remember, your future self is watching you through memories. Are they going to be happy or devastatingly sad memories? Only you can decide that.

[theone12221]

Have a long weekend with 4 days off (Monday public holiday and I have Tuesdays off work currently) – first few days went pretty well, very productive got a lot of things around the house done which I’ve been putting off.

A couple of stress triggers and boredom gave me my strongest urge to gamble since my last relapse 34 days ago. I actually searched for which websites I could play on outside of my country which I had not self-excluded from. I even went as far as creating an account thinking “well I will just self-exclude or I might have a small bet before I do it.” Luckily I self-excluded immediately. I also created an account with another international betting site which I came across during my search and self-excluded proactively from there too. Feels great to follow what I said I’d do – immediate self-exclusion following any urges whatsoever.

The funny thing is after doing this I actually felt a lot better overall about my day (the boredom went away even). Just goes to show that even contemplating gambling and the process of “will I or won’t I” is in itself very scary and stress-inducing. Once I got that out of the way, once I knew that I was strong enough to overcome the urge, all my other stresses disappeared as well. This addiction really does lurk in the shadows and attaches itself (often subconsciously) to everything we do, like a dormant parasite. We must always be on high alert.

The temptations will always be there but with every win I have against the urges, I feel more and more confident in my ability to get through this.

[theone12221]

Hey Ray, just checking in on you. How you been mate?

[theone12221]

My thought processes are like this currently:

1) Minor urge/trigger : immediately dismiss it

2) Moderate urge/trigger: think about it rationally for a moment, recall all the lessons I’ve learned about gambling –> dismiss it

3) Strong urge/trigger: mentally battle between rational thoughts/actually gambling –> weigh up options/avenues of gambling I have –> realize that I’m self-excluded and banned from every single offline/online gambling facility in my city –> memories associated with the reasons I put those blockers up in the first place kick in –> rational thinking returns to the driver’s seat –> dismiss the urges and feel great knowing that I can overcome even the strongest of triggers and urges to gamble.

[theone12221]

Thanks Vera! I know indeed they can be. I’ve definitely had urges and I accept that those may never go away 100% BUT they are not strong enough to make me succumb to them. I can control them. There is not cure for a CG, but we can keep the addiction in check, dormant for the rest of our lives.

My blockers and mass proactive self-exclusion has done wonders. Whilst I can resist 99% of my urges (which are relatively rare nowadays), just knowing I have these barriers in place gives me a great sense of security and actually motivates me to never gamble again.

[theone12221]

Hey man, I find that not gambling from lack funds (whilst good) doesn’t really help much with recovery. The true test (and it will make you believe you can quit) is denying those urges when you DO have funds to play with.

This is why you need to:

1) self-exclude and install blockers on any electonic devices you gamble on. Self-exclude from all online/offline casinos/bookies etc.

2) seek emotional support: ga, relatives, partners, gamcare hotline, forums.

Finally be PATIENT…us CGs want immediate results and this is a major trigger for our relapses.

Don’t play the victim card. Everything decision to gamble is a reflection of ourselves and our state of mind. We must be stronger.

[theone12221]

Hi Adam,

Welcome and good luck. You’ve taken out the appropriate measures so well done on following the advice on here (lots of people don’t and think they can beat gambling purely mentally…this in most cases only ends in failure).

Now you need to be patient. Take it one day at a time and see the improvements come through in your life.

[theone12221]

Hey flo,

That trap (I’ll just play a little bit for fun) has probably ensnared every single one of us on these forums in the past (many, many times often). Well done on not continously chasing and stopping/closing your account after a “small” loss. This is showing that you are heading in the right direction. As liz said keep your blockers up and self-exclude. You can do it.

[Author]

Posts