[The Pheonix]

Thank you for your responses vera and HappaTheSmall2 i’ve been tested today i would like to start by saying in terms of gambling i had such an urge to gamble! £28 left in my bank, the decision was petrol or gamble £28 and see if i can chase the impossible because in reality if i won £100 £200 or £1000 tomorrow it would be gone plus double getting it back! enough is never enough it’s selling your soul to the devil big win now which will last a few days and then lose treble the amount a spent weeks months years of misery!!

I’ve resisted today so in terms of gambling that’s one nil to me this time round!

In terms of everything else i have been struggling the tablets i have started to do something about but it needs focus i’ve explained to the dr they wanted me to take Methodone which i can not do, but i’ve spoken to a Consultant as i still get severe pain but i don’t know whether the pain is now related to withdrawal from the tablets of whether it’s genuine pain.

The Consultant has referred me to some cousellors due to my guilt about gambling in the past and i broke down in the consultants office explaining everything i’ve done and the chaos that consumes my life and my thoughts. It helps to just log everything i’m thinking on here so it may appear to be in a random format at the moment because i’m just writing it as it comes in my head i know i need to work on important area’s of my life and try to control it. I need to consider my next move before i make it instead of doing things out of impulse which is a gambling trait!

I’m going to log off now and write a plan including a couple of practical things i can do to help with the following area’s of my life, i know i can’t solve everything at once but if i do a little about all of them at i know i’m working on things and can maybe give myself a bread from the constant criticism and disappointment that i have in myself at the moment!

Health
Fitness
Money
Family & friends that have been there for me
Gambling
Weight

I need to keep a better track on things and take a bit of time throughout the day to work on me and gather my thoughts!

Speak soon!

[The Pheonix]

So here we go day 2 of when i can honestly say no gambling, my tablets reduced by 2 yesterday so taken 16 instead of the 18 the day before! which granted is a lot still but at least its improvement instead of getting worse, my weight currently 18stone 4lb and i have started dieting today. Im going to live my life properly and after i have things in order and i have a relatively clean slate i’m going to live an honest and true life with no lying no sneaking no watching my back no being unreliable and lying about where i was or where i am. the energy drinks are going to be reduced fom 4-6 per day and i’m going to sleep properly instead of staying up all hours trying to find things i can do to put right the shit i’ve caused myself and everyone else! but mostly i’m going to find a way to move on and forgive myself i can’t do anthing about what i’ve done but i can do something about what i am going to do, i have a blank page and it’s me that writes the next chapter!

Luckily i have just earned promotion to Project Manager at work which is something i really happy about but i’ve already missed time off through trying to put my mistakes right trying to sell things to get money back i’ve lost.

I know the aditional things i’ve put on thier to relatively new gambling addicts they will be thinking what’s all the drug addiction and overeating etc got to do with gambling adiction. Hopefully it won’t become apparent to new gambling adicts that your life becomes out of control in more than just a financial sense you take on a completely new persona and your a completely different person and do things you wouldn’t normally you are on a mission to self destruct and if you are addicted to gambling or anything else there’s a good chance you could become addicted to anything!

Looking back everything i have ever done has become an obsession boxing, fitness, football, paperwork, computer games, work, food! the only difference is some of the obsessions are good and some of them can destroy your life like gambling, tablets, energy drinks, diet pills, wasting money and even i believe i have an addiction to sorting out mess when i’ve created and firefighting it’s a high to get out of trouble.

But i have to change and i will change onwards and upwards for the Pheonix on day two!

[Author]

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