[tan]

Thanks again IDI. No, not boring. I realize there are giving, caring people like you that are taking time to help. And it sounds like you are genuine, and your goal is to help others with their addiction. I imagine this helps you as well, a karma influx of positive energy.

So, if I wanted to trade options again I would have to call my broker and ask them to enable it. I suppose I could call and beg them to ignore me if I ever call and ask to enable it.

That possibility seems quite remote. I think I mentioned in the beginning this was my only gambling binge. To be honest the thought of ever trading options again makes me physically ill.

Today is tough. Wife is crying, and crying. Today we sell two of the cats. All of this is starting to register with her. And with me.

So, today I will ask my higher power for the strength and will to keep going.

I visualize a day, when we can have some level of stability.

[tan]

Today we had some success. We started selling our cats (we are breeders). We have to sell the cats before we can start grooming the house to sell it. No way we can sell the house until we find good homes for them. 7 cats need homes.

We found a couple that is coming by tomorrow to take two of the cats. It is a start. 5 more to go.

Then, we get the wonderful task of getting our house ready to sell. No fun.

But, tonight before I go to sleep I thank God for giving me and the wife a few hours of feeling almost normal. It is a lot of work finding homes for cats, and we love them dearly.

We have a glimmer of hope. 1% of the hard work is done.

But it is a start.

Let’s see if we can ride this momentum. It is Christmas time, I pray we can feel normal the next few days.

[tan]

Thank you IDI and Monica1.

Woke up at 4:30 but was able to go back to sleep. Wife woke up around 6am and was cleaning the house and litter boxes. She came back to bed and snuggled with me. I got up at 8:30am had coffee and checked the job sites. No new jobs to apply for today.

No responses from my current applications. I can start to apply for Help Desk positions, pay is horrible but better than a grocery store, so I will wait a little longer before changing my resume and online profiles, hope that I can land an engineering job.

Wife is gaining weight, becoming less active. Talking about a low-carb diet for the two of us, stating Jan 1. We are still making love, I guess it makes us feel normal for a little while.

Not sure why she does not hate me. She is still behind me.

Fighting the guilt and shame. Need to stay mentally fit.

Wife continues to talk about moving to Costa Rica. At least we could afford health care. Much too expensive in USA for couples our age unless you get it through work. We watch videos, read books, blogs, this has been our dream and intention for quite some time.

We just did not want to have to do it in a rush.

My mind is coming back. I am fighting the temptation to try and analyze what I did wrong. How could I have done this? What happened to my brain for 9 months? Is this a bad movie or a nightmare? Am I really in this situation?

Yep.

Starting to pray. I am not religious. Praying for the wife to keep her sanity, appears she is not going forward but backword.

I am maintaining the same level of dread, not getting better not getting worse. This sucks.

[tan]

Thank you IDI for the kind words. And for listening.

Today I applied for three more jobs. Still hoping one of the other 35 job applications I have completed will come through.

I figure wife and I have two months to make move or stay decision. If we wait longer than that we risk not having enough cash to dress the house for sale, and that would mean having to take a hard-money offer for our home.

I realize end of December is a bad time to apply for jobs. Maybe early January one of these openings will appear for me.

Had trouble sleeping last night. Dreams about ‘before’ I lost the money. Waking up is the hardest part of the day for me. Especially if i wake up early or in the middle of the night. It just seems hopeless.

Once I am up and about, have some coffee, and continue my job search I start to feel less hopeless, and almost hopeful.

Every minute of every day, I have this dark cloud of fear over my head. What keeps me going is my wife. I messed things up, and now I have to fix them. I have to be strong, and smile everyday, to keep her from going into a deep depression.

Whenever I communicate my fear to her, she starts to crack.

I need to keep the appearance of hopefulness, because if she completely breaks down, I don’t know if I can keep up the energy to continue job hunting. Maybe a better way of saying it is, “It would not HELP my job hunting”

I am trying to visualize a future, where the both of us have some level of stability, some level of financial security. It is killing both of us to be in this limbo.

[Author]

Posts